Parents in 80's going to pub

[Astrid80]

I just need some perspective / advice here, is it usual for your parents in their early 80's to be going out for pub lunches, given the current climate? I'm talking a packed out gastro pub type thing, not a small out of the way pub that perhaps doesn't get that busy. The places they go to are 3 + dining rooms big and always busy.

They're going out on Friday to one place and again on Saturday to another with 2 sets of different friends. It's my mother's birthday and I'm in the dog house for not joining in and arranging a 3rd lunch date with them this weekend on Sunday. I do have an autoimmune condition / chronic illness (that they can't relate to) and I was previously shielding.

Maybe I'm still being too cautious, but hearing on the news of all the places being put under tougher restrictions again makes me feel it's not the best time to be going for 3 pub lunches in one weekend? They've always been healthy til the last few years when high blood pressure / cholesterol and dodgy knees kicked in. They're both in better health than me though

I don't know what to do, am I being a total killjoy? I did ask if they'd like to come to us for tea on one of the days (trying to compromise), they said they'd probably be too full and tired but would come if we really couldn't make a lunch out.

I tried to put it out there to my mother about you know... the pandemic / their age / my condition etc but I get the impression I'm being a total party pooper and massive pain in the arse to them by not complying. I've always done what my parents wanted and I'm now 41 This is one of the few times I've not done what they expected / wanted. They seem oblivious to the fact so much of the country is going into lockdown again, unless it effects them directly they have no time for what's going on elsewhere. My mother made a comment about it perhaps being her last birthday, in a guilt tripping kind of way saying "well just think, I might not be here next year..." Mind you she's been saying that for the last 10 years at birthdays and Christmas when it comes to making plans! I usually end up doing what I'm told to avoid drama!

If I was in my 80s, no way would I be spending a whole year isolated in my house. This is so miserable but I'm only following the rules because I probably have another 50 years to make up for this year.

Yes, they may live another 10 years but they may also realistically die in the next 12 months. Doesn't mean you need to put yourself in danger, ever. You have every right to shield and make no apologies for it. But they also have the right to make their own choices and go to the pub if they want to.

What's the problem? Good for them. What rules are they breaking?

I would say good on them, not living in fear and making the most of what time they have left together

their chance of getting it is not high. If they were in a higher risk area I'm sure the answers would be very different

You have no idea what their chance of getting it is.

My mum just a 81 and fit and healthy. She is living her life and not unduly bothered by coronavirus worries. She has several weekly social and interest groups and is going to everything she can. We are going out for a celebration lunch with her today.

I respect her take on how to live her own life and I make sure that she respects mine (I'm a lot more conservative about corona risks).

"They're not hurting anyone else....until they get covid and use up a hospital bed/ventilator and pass it on to their nurse who passes it on to her family etc, and they cost the NHS a bomb and contribute to stretchign resources...."

What are the chances of the above happening?

We worked out the other day that out of 40 of us, we all knew 100 people, who knew another 100 people. So maybe 10,000 people? No ones even had covid. Let alone had it badly.

And what are the chances of a nurse getting it from your parents. Nil?

The above is just scaremongering drivel.

CupidStunt2020 nor do you, yet you assume the worst... 80% of 80 year olds who contract it won't be hospitalised.

They could have been put on the shielding list if they had wanted to, via their GP and did qualify for home deliveries, anyway.

She's quite right that it could be her last, even though she's been saying it for ten years. I was on the shielding list but didn't. I wouldn't go out to a pub, though, not that I can, I'm in Liverpool.

Your Mum could have a fall and die within months. Everything is becoming risky for her. So I can see her pov.

However, I am of the opinion that end of life care should be discussed and they should realise that every possible means of keeping them alive, that would be at other times, or if they were younger, won't be available. I've seen elderly people gasping and fighting at the end because they won't have a sedative, or their families have told them not to and are asking for interventions. When they could die peacefully.

But if they are realistic and want it to be quality over quantity, then they should carry on.

Theyre at the highest risk, so it seems to me like it's their decision. And no, it's not selfish to become ill, unless of course you believe medical care should be rationed solely to the blameless. So no treatment for COPD if a smoker, type 2 diabetes if overweight, etc. Would solve the NHS budget issues that's for sure, and is basically the way people seem to view everything.

If they get covid they will probably take up a hospital bed that would be badly needed for someone's else who may be in pain or losing their sight. So they are being selfish. That other person in need could be you.

You dont have to put your own health at risk for someone being selfish. In your position I wouldnt have them in the house or see them except outside, they present too much of a risk to you.

The key here though is that the parents are expecting the OP to do as they are, and she shouldn’t feel obliged to.

Also, people are focussing far too much on dying. Just because not that many people are dying in comparison doesn’t mean that survival is the be all and end all. I am a flu survivor, hence why I am now considered at risk from COVID. I have two underlying heart conditions brought about by my catching the flu four years ago,and an additional, primary heart condition I didn’t know I had until I caught the flu.

I’ve had three cardiac arrests,two weeks in ICU, heart surgery, and my future lies in a transplant, although I’m fortunate enough not to be on that list yet.

Currently I am in fact very well. But if I catch COVID, if I don’t die then the potential damage to my lungs will likely mean I won’t be eligible for the heart transplant I am going to need. Given the choice between dying now and dying by inches over the next few years I know which my choice would be.

Dying isn’t the end, surviving with severe complications is.

The parents are free to do as they wish. But they’re not free to demand the same of the OP.

And no, it's not selfish to become ill, unless of course you believe medical care should be rationed solely to the blameless

It IS selfish to deliberately put yourself at risk of becoming ill in the middle of a pandemic, of course it is.
They can do as they choose, as can we all, but lets not pretend here.

If they get coronavirus, please come back and tell us whether they want to be treated by the NHS or they chose to self manage at home because "they’ve had a good life/have lived it up/good for them"

You are not being a killjoy, you are being reasonable.

My grandparents have just recently managed to get back to normal, with my gran going to bingo three times a week and my grandad going to the pub while she's there then picking her up after (soft drinks, just goes to see friends). They're both 80, and are the ones who've got the closest to 'normal' life in the whole family.

I say good for them.

At 80, as morbid as it sounds, every day is precious as you get very close to defying life expectancy. Therefore why would they want to waste what could easily be very close to the end of their life? Even if they seem well now, they may never see another autumn, and you'll know that they enjoyed some lovely, cosy autumn afternoons out rather than being stuck within their own 4 walls.

Government advice no longer tells them to shield. Let them do what they feel is right for them.

I think you're right, @Astrid80. What they're doing is very risky. I'd love to be able to go out to pubs for meals, but we're in our 70s, and it isn't worth it.

I'm CEV, my parents aren't. I've stopped seeing them because of the risk, they're out in pubs and restaurants etc. Now both have Covid symptoms, haven't isolated and haven't had a test. Brilliant

@GreySkyClouds

If they get coronavirus, please come back and tell us whether they want to be treated by the NHS or they chose to self manage at home because "they’ve had a good life/have lived it up/good for them"

You are not being a killjoy, you are being reasonable.

But the government no longer suggest that the elderly should shield. Restaurants are open and must operate under strict guidelines. Why should they not go out when they're allowed to? It's not like they're breaking rules. What do you want people to do? Just sit at home until they die of natural causes?

@LindaEllen I don’t want anyone to die for any reasons, but that’s not realistic (especially in the middle of a global pandemic)

OP. I'm with you. I do respect everyone's right to act in a responsible way, which befits their personal situation. But it is a case of Russian roulette. No one knows how it will impact them unless/until they get it. Not a chance I would like my parents to take. If you die if Covid19, it is a death like drowning but over a much longer timeframe. Nothing I would wish on even my worst enemy. ,
My parents (both 76) are being ultra cautious and only going for a daily walk and nip to the local shop if absolutely necessary. My sister gets all their shopping otherwise.

I just need some perspective / advice here, is it usual for your parents in their early 80's to be going out for pub lunches, given the current climate? I'm talking a packed out gastro pub type thing, not a small out of the way pub that perhaps doesn't get that busy. The places they go to are 3 + dining rooms big and always busy.

They must be covid-secure or they'd have been closed down.

If your parent want to live their lives let them.
However- if it is going to impact you/your health then don't let them guilt-trip you into going along.

Tell them you'd have loved to see them but if they can't respect your decisions regarding your own health and worries then they have to carry on without you.

To be fair, that says more about them than you.

"They're not hurting anyone else....until they get covid and use up a hospital bed/ventilator and pass it on to their nurse who passes it on to her family etc, and they cost the NHS a bomb and contribute to stretchign resources

That could be the case for anyone at any age, not just people in their 80's. They are adults and what they are doing is ok and legal. I've been to the pub with my elderly father several times and really don't recognise the rammed in pisshead image in the media and on here.

And as we all pay for the NHS we are all entitled to treatment. That's how free at the point of service means.
I don't know why nurses' families are more important than anyone else's.....especially as hospital staff now have adequate PPE so are protected.

DH’s Grandad went for one last hurrah the day before they were all closed and he was back there as soon as they reopened, he goes every weekend with his son. He has been very cynical about life since his wife died so I don’t think he’s particularly bothered about covid.

They are adults and perfectly capable of making their own decisions and choices. I dread the thought of any of our children trying to push their will on us as we get older.

my grandparents are early 70s and still going about their normal lives. shopping, coming to visit myself and other family members regularly, going camping often, taking my little girl to the park.

they refused to lock themselves away and good on them. they both believe they had the virus at the beginning of the year. my grandad was ill for a while with pneumonia when they returned from america and my nan then came down with what she thought was a chest infection and a bad cough. they are both of the opinion anyone of us could be gone tomorrow so what's the point. make the most of the time you have and all that.

Fookin hell. I dont want to play down anyone's relationship with their parents but can't people realise its quality of life not quantity of life. Parents sound ace and good luck to them.