Parents in 80's going to pub

[Astrid80]

I just need some perspective / advice here, is it usual for your parents in their early 80's to be going out for pub lunches, given the current climate? I'm talking a packed out gastro pub type thing, not a small out of the way pub that perhaps doesn't get that busy. The places they go to are 3 + dining rooms big and always busy.

They're going out on Friday to one place and again on Saturday to another with 2 sets of different friends. It's my mother's birthday and I'm in the dog house for not joining in and arranging a 3rd lunch date with them this weekend on Sunday. I do have an autoimmune condition / chronic illness (that they can't relate to) and I was previously shielding.

Maybe I'm still being too cautious, but hearing on the news of all the places being put under tougher restrictions again makes me feel it's not the best time to be going for 3 pub lunches in one weekend? They've always been healthy til the last few years when high blood pressure / cholesterol and dodgy knees kicked in. They're both in better health than me though

I don't know what to do, am I being a total killjoy? I did ask if they'd like to come to us for tea on one of the days (trying to compromise), they said they'd probably be too full and tired but would come if we really couldn't make a lunch out.

I tried to put it out there to my mother about you know... the pandemic / their age / my condition etc but I get the impression I'm being a total party pooper and massive pain in the arse to them by not complying. I've always done what my parents wanted and I'm now 41 This is one of the few times I've not done what they expected / wanted. They seem oblivious to the fact so much of the country is going into lockdown again, unless it effects them directly they have no time for what's going on elsewhere. My mother made a comment about it perhaps being her last birthday, in a guilt tripping kind of way saying "well just think, I might not be here next year..." Mind you she's been saying that for the last 10 years at birthdays and Christmas when it comes to making plans! I usually end up doing what I'm told to avoid drama!

If they are tier 2 then it is illegal. No mixing with other households indoors whether it be one's own home or pubs/cafes etc.

If you don’t feel comfortable to go, OP, then you shouldn’t go. It’s as simple as that, don’t feel guilted into doing anything you’re not happy with.

It is, of course, entirely up to your family how they choose to continue living their lives, but it’s not fair to try to make you feel guilty for assessing the risk differently to them.

Your issue is the complete absence of care or consideration of your illness and condition.

I suspect they have always been the same, I know the type well. Their social life comes before all else, including family illness. Low betide anyone for being ill on 'their special day' - very selfish and self centred.

In my experience the only way to manage people like this, including parents is distance and firm boundaries. See them on your terms, do not justify or explain or share your problems - they will dismiss them anyway.

In terms of their risk, I can see why you would not want to end being ill or dying from covid, but you have to leave them to it. Their choice, their view is clearly they have to die of something so why be miserable with the time they have left - and I really do understand that. Quite whether that sentiment continues when one or both are gasping for breath on a ventilator in ICU is quite another matter.

Distance yourself, do not get into debates about who is right or wrong. Keep yourself safe, look to other more caring friends and family for support and help with your illness and leave them to it op. A big bunch of for you

And do not go, and do not be shamed into agreeing to attend.

You were vulnerable enough to be put on the shielding list, regardless of the government advice I would definitely be taking extra care and minimising my exposure now anyway op, given the infection rate is so high now in many places. It would be madness to go to a busy restaurant at the moment. Wait until the second wave is over.

I thought you meant about parents going drinking back in the 80s

A very remote pub in a village near us has just shut as they had three cases that were people dining there. So of course there is a risk .

I totally understand if you were shielding that you don’t want to go with them .

It’s entirely up to them. I’ll take a very dim view if my children try to police my behaviour when I’m that age.

I think you're lucky to have such sensible parents. Once you're in your 80s, your effectively in borrowed time. How very sad to spend your last few months\years imprisoned in your home. It's sad to see people being told to stay locked up. What sort of uncaring society are we turning in to?

The risk is there I understand your concern.
I believe they're right too.
My NDN is 88 she had her hair done weekly. Took a taxi to browse the shops weekly.
She's barely been out throughout Covid she has gone downhill rapidly mentally and physically.
It is sad.

YANBU but then neither are they.

If they want to go to the pub, that’s absolutely their choice.

Just as you have the right to say you’d rather not.

You do the right thing for you and ignore the guilt trip.

I'm sorry they aren't taking your illness seriously. That's rotten
In answer to your original question, my 84 year old mother has been out for coffee with friends a few times but has been very careful with distancing. She wouldn't go to pubs like you describe (she's fit and well for her age)
I think people behave how they behave based on personality rather than age.
We have a younger extremely vulnerable member of our family and everyone has been very considerate around her.

Yes, I see loads of retired people going out for lunch/tea. Good on them, I wouldn’t lock myself inside either !

Don't get involved. My parents are in their 80's and became housebound over night as one became seriously ill and the other became their carer. Let them enjoy their life, it can change so quickly even without covid.

A lady on tv yesterday took her dad out of his care home , she said it was quality of life that mattered , not quantity , let them enjoy their outings. Any restaurant I have been in have observed safety rules.

Good for them! To be honest even if vulnerably I would be pleased they are going out and enjoying themselves. My parents (late 80s) gave up everything they did in March when lockdown started, honestly they have become shells of the people they were. They regularly went to church, saw friends, went out - now they do nothing and the change in them is awful to see. You do want you want for you - but be pleased they are not just living out their days as "vulnerable" and fading away.

We went out for a midweek midday lunch the other day to our local pub. It was absolutely full of elderly couples.

When I read your title I thought you meant going to the pub drinking!!! My dad is 74 and he does drinking at thr pub every weekend, there's a group of 6 of them and the eldest is over 80. He absolutely loves going out to socialise .
My nana is 92 and up until covid she also went to the pub regularly lol

Good on them I say, let them crack on.

I've been in tons of pubs since they reopened and haven't felt unsafe once.

Good for them, they've living every second of their life as it matters, not cowering in fear. They're in their eighties, they know they're lucky to wake up alive, they're trying to make every day count.

They don't want their last days to be spent hiding in their home, they'd die of boredom or loneliness. With their attitude, they'll probably live a lot longer and definitely much happier than people who aren't out and about.

If you don't want to go, then say you can't and make no apologies for it. That's your choice.

I have just come out of hospital, and believe me everyone saying good on them and crack on have not seen the inside of local hospitals at the moment! I had the same crack on attitude until I saw the sheer volume of very elderly fragile people in A&E, and being neglected and overlooked because the nurses and doctors are absolutely flat out.
The covid risk to them, to all of us and the sheer stress of the place was very very sobering, and whilst you are in good health it is easy to say the risk is nothing, it will be fine, for some people it definitely is not fine. At all. And is likely to get worse, much worse. So whilst I don't want to be the one to say the hell of dying of covid, probably I should because honestly we want a long life, and a peaceful gentle departure - that is not what the covid wards look like...it is anything BUT the slipping into sleep experience. A terrifying, lonely, painful end is not what we want for anyone.

And certainly not worth the very optional pub meal!!!!!!

My MiL has been in and out of hospital and, let me say, FiL is not a competent cook. FiL has been eating at a pub where they have been customers for yonks. He's 89 nearly 90 and MIL has just turned 90 and he takes her a couple of days a week when she's not in hospital. At the age they're aware of the risks and we just let them enjoy their last few years.

They are adults, they can make their own risk assessment as can you

It's all very well saying they can do what they like, they're old and should enjoy themselves, but where would the world be if we all acted the same?
They're not hurting anyone else....until they get covid and use up a hospital bed/ventilator and pass it on to their nurse who passes it on to her family etc, and they cost the NHS a bomb and contribute to stretchign resources....

The point is still fair, they CAN do as they like, but whether they should is a different matter. Aren't we all supposed to be in this together? Collective spirit and all that?

Loneliness and lack of stimulation is probably as much of a risk at their age, on balance. Assuming rates there are still relatively low given they are in tier 1.

@CupidStunt2020 their chance of getting it is not high. If they were in a higher risk area I'm sure the answers would be very different.

Good for them

They could die in their beds tonight or they could live to be 100. None of those extra years would be worth it if they spend it wrapped in cotton wool to preserve life at all cost.

You choose not to that's fine, let them make their own choices.