Parents in 80's going to pub

[Astrid80]

I just need some perspective / advice here, is it usual for your parents in their early 80's to be going out for pub lunches, given the current climate? I'm talking a packed out gastro pub type thing, not a small out of the way pub that perhaps doesn't get that busy. The places they go to are 3 + dining rooms big and always busy.

They're going out on Friday to one place and again on Saturday to another with 2 sets of different friends. It's my mother's birthday and I'm in the dog house for not joining in and arranging a 3rd lunch date with them this weekend on Sunday. I do have an autoimmune condition / chronic illness (that they can't relate to) and I was previously shielding.

Maybe I'm still being too cautious, but hearing on the news of all the places being put under tougher restrictions again makes me feel it's not the best time to be going for 3 pub lunches in one weekend? They've always been healthy til the last few years when high blood pressure / cholesterol and dodgy knees kicked in. They're both in better health than me though

I don't know what to do, am I being a total killjoy? I did ask if they'd like to come to us for tea on one of the days (trying to compromise), they said they'd probably be too full and tired but would come if we really couldn't make a lunch out.

I tried to put it out there to my mother about you know... the pandemic / their age / my condition etc but I get the impression I'm being a total party pooper and massive pain in the arse to them by not complying. I've always done what my parents wanted and I'm now 41 This is one of the few times I've not done what they expected / wanted. They seem oblivious to the fact so much of the country is going into lockdown again, unless it effects them directly they have no time for what's going on elsewhere. My mother made a comment about it perhaps being her last birthday, in a guilt tripping kind of way saying "well just think, I might not be here next year..." Mind you she's been saying that for the last 10 years at birthdays and Christmas when it comes to making plans! I usually end up doing what I'm told to avoid drama!

My gran is 84 and has a bi weekly meeting with her mate in Wetherspoons. They get pissed on brandy and gossip. She's great.

I think you are the sensible one OP and they are taking big risks.

But of course it must be up to them.

We, in our 60s, haven't been out to a restaurant or cafe since March. No particular health problems but a very close relative is immuno suppressed and we wanted to be able to see them.

Now we are only allowed to meet them outside (Tier 2 here).

Up to them as long they are abiding by the guidance relevant to their area, wearing masks where they should wear masks, washing hands regularly, ensuring they keep 2m away etc.

Unreasonable of them not to recognise the risk to you as someone previously shielding and expect you to jeopardise your own wellbeing to suit them, though.

It's my mother's birthday and I'm in the dog house for not joining in and arranging a 3rd lunch date with them this weekend on Sunday. I do have an autoimmune condition / chronic illness (that they can't relate to) and I was previously shielding.

Has everyone saying how wonderful OP's parents are skipped over that? They sound selfish.

[quote Astrid80]@TheTeenageYears Yep you've hit the nail on the head. I've always done what they've asked because I've always been the "awkward" one, and feel guilt because we're different, so usually end up doing what they want me to, or agreeing with what they say. This is probably the first time I haven't done that. I wouldn't dream of trying to stop them going out for their lunches or put a downer on it, but unfortunately they don't seem to accept my own reasons for not doing the same. They seemed annoyed I was on the shielding list and they weren't [/quote]
So it's ok for you to disapprove of their choices and tell them (adults of sound mind that have been around longer than you) but it is wrong for them to express their disapproval of your choices.

I would be pissed off if my adult kids were taking more precautions than necessary (they aren't, they are doing everything they should but otherwise going about their normal life as far as possible) and would tell them so. It wouldn't make any difference, as they are adults, but they would know I didn't approve. They certainly don't interfere in my life but they would tell me if they disapproved and know that it would fall on deaf ears

My in-laws are in their 80s and went for a pub lunch yesterday. Apparently they were the only people there, apart from the staff...

@unmarkedbythat

It's my mother's birthday and I'm in the dog house for not joining in and arranging a 3rd lunch date with them this weekend on Sunday. I do have an autoimmune condition / chronic illness (that they can't relate to) and I was previously shielding.

Has everyone saying how wonderful OP's parents are skipped over that? They sound selfish.

No, haven't skipped that at all. I commented that the OP shouldn't be guilt-tripped into seeing her parents if they can't be considerate of her health.

Nanny0gg Why have only a few of us picked up on their uncaring attitude towards her health and wellbeing? It's very odd.

My (fit and healthy) 83 year old dad is still going to a pub or cafe (pubs are shut where we are at the moment), meeting a 90 year old friend. I'm comfortable that he can make his own risk assessments and take appropriate care. (He's a retired doctor and is reading all the articles in the BMJ on Covid).

He's in our extended family/bubble so we see him a minimum of once a week for supper so that demonstrates I'm happy with his judgement.

He always contacts me to check the guidelines as one mutual friend frequently tries to push the boundaries of the guidelines.

I’d leave them to it. If i was that Age I would be enjoying my remaining years not locked away, that’s no life.

Your main issue here is not about what your parents are doing - that's up to them - , but it's about what they are expecting you to do. stand your ground and don't be pressured into doing something you are not comfortable with.

They are making their own risk assessments according to their own priorities which is fine
what is not fine is expecting you to make your risk assessment according to their priorities

Firm boundaries... assert your right to do what is best for your own long-term interests

@unmarkedbythat

Nanny0gg Why have only a few of us picked up on their uncaring attitude towards her health and wellbeing? It's very odd.

Indeed, I noticed that the parents seemed irritated because OP has a reason to shield and they don't...they are jealous that she is getting 'attention' that she has been officially acknowledged as someone who needs more care and concern

@IAintentDead
"So it's ok for you to disapprove of their choices and tell them (adults of sound mind that have been around longer than you) but it is wrong for them to express their disapproval of your choices."

I haven't once told them I disapprove of their choices and going to pubs / restaurants. I keep my mouth shut because woe betide anyone who might express or even possess a different opinion to them.

I was told by my mother that it was not fair that her usual birthday plans had been ruined this year because of COVID and specifically the rule of 6. For both their birthdays every year they usually go out for 3 occasions, once with my uncle and aunt, once with my own family and my db's family all combined, and once with their 2 friends from separate households. This year the rule of 6 means the only gathering they can do as usual is the one with my uncle and aunt. I simply suggested they come to us for tea and cake where we couldn't all go out with my family and db's family. She wasn't happy with that idea and pressured me / tried to guilt trip me into going out with them on Sunday for a third separate lunch.

All I did was put it out there that for me, with multiple chronic health conditions and having been on the shielding list, that it wasn't something I felt comfortable doing yet, especially given the rise in cases at the moment. I don't usually express any opinion that's different to theirs, and it was more about me trying to explain why for me I didn't feel comfortable going. I haven't once told them not to go to pubs / restaurants or expressed any disapproval.

For me this post was about finding out what others their ages are doing, because I only know my in laws and a few neighbours that are in their age group, and they're not going to pubs and restaurants. I genuinely wondered what most people their age were doing to give me a better perspective.

I felt that possibly going for 3 different lunches out for 3 days in a row, at a different venue each day and with a group of different people on each day, MAY be a bit risky given their ages. I never expressed disapproval of their choices, indeed that is up to them and even if I did express any kind of opinion or concern they would dismiss me and argue with me to change my view to be the same as theirs. That's why I keep my mouth shut.

"...but it is wrong for them to express disapproval of your choices" - well they disapprove of anything I do or say that doesn't agree with them, so again that's why I usually keep everything to myself. If your daughter had an autoimmune condition and had been on the shielding list would you disapprove of her choice to not feel ccomfortable going to a large pub restaurant at the moment?

It's a tough one. You should certainly not be pressured to put your own health at risk to comply with their wishes. You have more years to lose. I understand at their time of life, they want to enjoy the time they have left. However, they are more likely to become seriously ill with Covid at their age and need hospital treatment, putting health workers at serious risk, which is most unfair.

During the first lockdown in March my DM (in her 80’s) announced she wasn’t being locked up and was going to carry on as normal. I pointed out that was her choice but if she contracted CV and ended up in hospital, visitors weren’t allowed - she’d be on her own. I think that made her reconsider and she then allowed us to do her shopping.
If your DP’s continue as they are you need to distance (physically) yourself and leave them to it.

TBH At their age I'd say it's quality of life vs quantity of life. They may well think they don't have much time left so want to enjoy it while they can.

As long as they're not putting others at risk eg paying attention to hand hygiene, social distancing etc it's up to them surely? They know the risks.

My PILs are a good decade younger than your parents, but are much more careful. Have only recently started to meet with friends again, and only outside for walks. I don't think they have set foot in a shop (let alone a cafe or pub) since March.

My grandmother is a decade or so older than your parents. She's never been the pub-type, but she has done her own shopping throughout the pandemic. She knows that if she catches Covid she probably won't survive, but she's okay with that.

To be honest, I can understand both views. I fully respect that your parents would rather live the years they have left to the fullest, while they still can. What is not okay though is pressuring you to take such a risk, when you're equally or more vulnerable, but would most likely have many more years to live in normal circumstances.

They sound good at putting their wants and needs first.
A good example perhaps!

I don't blame you for keeping out of it op. You put your needs first.

Our older family members aren't going into pubs and restaurants right now. But they have been on buses and shopping up to this week. No particular conditions, just in their 80s.

@Doggybiccys

Fookin hell. I dont want to play down anyone's relationship with their parents but can't people realise its quality of life not quantity of life. Parents sound ace and good luck to them.

Absolutely. Till they guilt trip the OP, who has health issues.

They can crack on if they leave her out of it

is it usual for your parents in their early 80's to be going out for pub lunches, given the current climate

what do you want them to do, stay at home, live in fear and die miserable? They are adults, their time left is limited, even if they live to 100.

If you are scared, stay at home - as you have a vulnerability it follows you are scared for yourself. But don't presume to decide for other people. Personally I wouldn't want to be in a crowded pub even without any underlying conditions. But that's up them, while it remains legal to go to one. And I think elderly people need to get out and about for their mental health even more than younger people do.

At least the OP's parents have each other. Elderly people who live alone in tier two can't now go out for lunch or a drink with a friend unless they can be outdoors. Couples have it much easier in many ways, although where one is a carer for the other this situation is heaping stress on. My DM has some friends who care for their partner eg with dementia and this period of isolation has been so hard.

Also OP, I think the debate on here about what elderly people in general should be expected to so has derailed things a bit from your specific circs. Your parents don't sound like they make particularly considered decisions either way, and they don't sound like they make much effort to understand or tolerate others.

A their age, healthy, without any medical conditions their chances of dying with Covid are still pretty low. All of my 80+ year old relatives have had it now and the only one it seriously impacted was someone who is going to die of something else anyway. Even all of them were fully recovered within 2 weeks.