To think I can’t have a happy life with my circumstances

[Beeaaautiful]

I’m 31 married and have been with my husband for 12years.

Our first place we lived together was rented, due to my husbands past relationship (he was only very young) he ended up with a house repossessed which severely impacted his credit rating.
We decided together that we were happy to rent and we would potentially look to buy in the future.

A couple of years later, after the loss of a close friend, I suffered with depression and I left my job and was supported by my husband(then partner) whilst I was out of work for nearly a year.
His salary at the time was okay but we ended up taking out a couple of credit cards for things like holidays and weekends away (I know )

I went back into full time work but instead of prioritising credit cards, we spent our money on other things.
Nights out with friends, weekends away, clothes etc...

We moved from our first place, into a house but weren’t in a position to buy (no deposit) so we rented, this was in 2014.

Over the years we’ve taken out several other credit cards and loans which have been to fund our lifestyle, which we obviously couldn’t afford to live.

In 2016 my husband proposed.
We saved and paid for our wedding.

We knew we wanted to start a family so we decided again to save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave and the cost of things we would need.

I gave birth to our first baby at the start of the year.

My husband is in a much better paid job now and has been there for several years.
I’m not at highly paid, but my salary is ok.

I’m only on SSP which is great, but we’ve been able to manage with our savings.

I’m due back to work in January but I will only be working 3 days a week whilst DC is at a nursery.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

I’m starting to really feel depressed now at how much per month we are still paying on credit cards and loans.

We will be able to manage but we are easily paying out £700 a month to creditors and none of it is even recent debt. It’s all from years ago.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since my son was born and I haven’t bought myself anything new to cater to my new size so I’m wearing horrible stretchy clothes. I haven’t had my hair cut in months and I feel like I’ve completely let myself go.

I don’t really see a way now how we can ever get out of the debt we’re in and I certainly don’t thing we will ever own a house.

We did apply for a consolidation loan to help us but neither of us were approved.

I’m starting to feel like a failure as a mum and it’s really upsetting me thinking my son won’t get the life he deserves.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

[quote Beeaaautiful]@Hahaha88

And if you decide not to go back to work, which is seems you want to go for, you'll be short that 200 a month. So yes it's is 200 a month better off in work than not working hmm why can't you see that

Because I guess I’m comparing it to my financial position now.
So to me it feels like a loss rather than a gain.[/quote]
But you must have known having a baby was going to cost you money in either childcare or lost earnings OP? Did you not plan for this?

@corythatwas

I honestly would rather starve myself for a month than have to put my baby in 2nd hand clothes from a charity shop.

Why, if I may ask? Some charity shop clothes are as good as new, the alternative to reselling them is adding them to the landfill. To me, this is as much about the environment we leave behind for our children as for the money we manage to save for them.

@corythatwas

Because I just feel like I should be able to provide for him rather than relying on second hand worn clothes.

I don’t even feel like I spend a fortune on him. We buy form supermarkets and cheap places.

@bethany39

But you must have known having a baby was going to cost you money in either childcare or lost earnings OP? Did you not plan for this?

Yep but our arrangement was that DH’s mum would have DS one day a week which would be saved us £204 a month on nursery fees.

Due to Covid she’s not allowed to have him. The rules are she can only bubble up with one other household for childcare and she already looks after my sister in laws two children.

I’m starting to wonder a bit what you’re looking for from this thread? You say you feel like you’ll never be happy because you’re in debt. Either you need to buckle down for a couple of years to pay off said debt (loan will be paid off in a year- how long for cc?) and then enjoy the next 50 odd years of your life with some financial stability, or you can be miserable and stressed indefinitely.

It doesn’t sound like you even need to cut back much tbh, as you’re managing with all the payments. It’s just a matter of how quickly you want to get out of this.

OP, try and reset the way you think and spend.
First, make a list in your mind or on paper of everything that brings you joy that is free. From kicking up the leaves on an autumn day or birdwatching in your garden to snuggling up with your family on the sofa and watching a comedy or a film.
Then a list of things that bring you joy that cost £1 or less - anything from a filter coffee from Prets to a pot of bubbles to blow to make your baby laugh.
Remind yourself that happiness is not related to money. I know money worries are very stressful and you will be happier once the debt is paid off - but you are still allowed to enjoy yourself.

You can also look for free or cheap ways to feel better about yourself. Phone up local hairdressing/beauticians colleges and training salons and ask if they need models to practise on. You often pay either nothing or a fraction of the normal cost.

Look for a temporary wardrobe update from the cheaper shops - Tu or Primark or H&M have surprisingly good basics. Get yourself a few things you feel good in, to lift your spirits.

@Thinkingg

Wow! Nothing wrong with charity shops. It's good for the environment, good for charity, and saves money. You need to stop attaching shame to things like this. Be proud that you're reducing consumerist waste

You’re right. And if you can shop in a charity shop for your child feeling so positive and proud then I envy you.

Me personally (and this is my own personal feelings, not how I view others) it would make me feel lousy. 😔

Because I just feel like I should be able to provide for him rather than relying on second hand worn clothes.

But you're not providing for his future. You have no money saved for braces, driving lessons or uni costs for him. Aren't those more importat? You can't start saving when he's 18, uou need to tackly the money issues now.

The second hand clothes thing is all in your gead. That's your issue and not realistic.

Just remember there is always someone worse off than you.

Get yourself a decent debt management plan in place. Now is a great time to clear debts while we can't really travel or do much.

Owning a house isn't the be all and end all and based on your track record with finances - being a home owner may not end well for you anyway. There is a reason they don't just give 100% mortgages away to anyone who wants one.

Be happy with what you have instead of what you don't.

[quote Beeaaautiful]@bethany39

But you must have known having a baby was going to cost you money in either childcare or lost earnings OP? Did you not plan for this?

Yep but our arrangement was that DH’s mum would have DS one day a week which would be saved us £204 a month on nursery fees.

Due to Covid she’s not allowed to have him. The rules are she can only bubble up with one other household for childcare and she already looks after my sister in laws two children.[/quote]
This is going to be a relatively short term problem then, as presumably at some point she'll be able to have him. At which point you'll be £400 a month up. And then when he's 3, significantly more so.

Please rethink what "being a good mum" means to you. It doesn't involve brand new clothes and expensive days out. Getting yourself into even more debt to give him these things is not being a good mum.

I don't have a kid yet but I often shop in charity shops for myself. I feel a bit uncomfortable about new clothing, the environmental impact and potentially dodgy labor conditions. I love finding an ethical bargain.

Because I just feel like I should be able to provide for him rather than relying on second hand worn clothes.

But don't you think you will feel this just as much if you are still in debt and struggling when he's a teenager? The only difference is, he will notice. Now- he genuinely doesn't care.

I don't feel in the least ashamed that my children had hand-me-down clothes and home-made sandwiches when they were little. They have happy memories of fun days together and that is what matters.

Their dad was always the one pushing a bike up to the school gates in his muddy work clothes when the other parents stepped out of immaculate cars in suits- but he was also the one who organised dc's birthday parties (at home because we couldn't afford the venues) and I know many of dc's friends remember him fondly.

I still wear second-hand clothes to this day- but I also support my eldest in London so she can do the training she has always dreamt of. Do you suppose she is ashamed of me for that?

As they grow older, they also learn about money management from you. You have to be the person you want them to learn to be. If you can model money management as something that can be done and doesn't have to be miserable, that is a big gift right there.

@riotlady

I’m starting to wonder a bit what you’re looking for from this thread? You say you feel like you’ll never be happy because you’re in debt. Either you need to buckle down for a couple of years to pay off said debt (loan will be paid off in a year- how long for cc?) and then enjoy the next 50 odd years of your life with some financial stability, or you can be miserable and stressed indefinitely.

It doesn’t sound like you even need to cut back much tbh, as you’re managing with all the payments. It’s just a matter of how quickly you want to get out of this.

Yes I am also wondering what you started this thread for OP.

You don't want to be in debt, but you are defending everything you spend on DS even though some of us have pointed out how unnecessary a lot of it is.

What are your household bills like? Food shopping? Anything you can reduce there so it doesn't feel like you're sacrificing things for DS?

Sorry for the question, but do you and DH have the same attitude (shame at your child wearing second hand clothes etc)? It's just when you're trying to work on changing the way you spend (assuming this is something you wish to do) it really helps if both of you can support each other in this.

So you'd rather accumulate more debt to buy your baby (who doesn't know what's going on yet anyway) new clothes? Remembering he'll grow out of them in a few months. That explains your persistent debt problem. You'll avoid feeling lousy now, but it'll be worse when he's a toddler and there are bailiffs at your door.

You really need to rethink your attitude about second hand clothes. In my mind it's a failure if I have to buy any new clothes for my DC - I reuse as much as possible, and buy them stuff on eBay and Marketplace. Win-win - helps the environment, declutters other people's houses, saves money, avoids the ethical evils of fast fashion. What's not to like? And when my kids outgrow clothes I'm desperate to find someone to pass them on to. What a terrible waste to throw them out. I have a bundle of clothes in your boy's size I'd offer you, but I can see what your reaction would be.

What I have learnt from 23 years of parenthood that hasn't always turned out as expected (disabled child, child with MH problems, child struggling academically etc), is that it is not primarily about what makes me feel good- it is about the impact on the whole family.

If it is better for them that we should act in a certain manner, then I may need to grit my teeth and find a way of being positive about it.

Your opinion on second hand clothes is really snobby and pretty immature.

I buy loads off ebay and market place. Baby's hardly get much wear out of their clothes before they grow out and the season change.

I buy my kids a few new for best but most of their everyday stuff is hand me downs or ebay. They ruin clothes anyway so why spend a fortune.

As for feeling a failure for buying supermarket clothes. Where do you think others shop. I only know one person that buys branded baby stuff and stuff from jojo mama, and most people think she's a mug. Matalan, Primark, H&m and the supermarkets do the best stuff at the best prices. Ted Baker and the like are for gifts and one off bits.

Based on your attitude I'm not surprised you go into so much debt. Keeping up appearances seems to be more important to you than living within your means and making sensible real life choices.

You do realise a lot of very middle class mums dress their kids from charity shops..............

I do a spreadsheet each month.
Everything goes on there. It calculates our disposable income.

This month we had £450 That’s after all of our financial commitments, including food shopping.

Out of the £450 we put £250 into our premium bond account (for Christmas)

£50 was budgeted for DS clothes as he needed a winter coat & gloves.
He also needed new sleep suits and vests.

We went pumpkin picking last weekend and budgeted £30 for it. (cost of going plus buying a pumpkin and then we got coffees and sandwiches)

We’ve budgeted £30 to take DS to see the Blackpool illuminations next week.
DH has a petrol card so we don’t have to pay fuel, the £30 is just for us to go and allows for food or drinks.

So that left us with £90 “spare” which we’ve just left in our joint account and spend as we go.
So if we run out of milk or bread etc.

I know people will jump on me now and tell me I shouldn’t be going pumpkin picking or to illuminations.
But we have to have some enjoyment on a weekend as a family

Right. I don't want to jump on you OP, but you're not going to get out of your debt anytime soon with this approach to budgeting. That spare £90 would have been a lot better spent chipping away at your credit card debt.

How much are you planning on spending at Christams in total this year if you've saved £250 towards it this month alone?!

Me and my brother had a cool canal toy when we were kids. My parents have it to my childminders kids when we grew out of it, now one of them has a toddler and just posted pictures of it on Facebook. I love that that toy is giving joy to a third generation of kids, that we can go "I remember playing with that 25 years ago!".

Maybe it depends on your background. My gran loved a car boot sale. For my family, we enjoyed receiving hand-me-downs as gifts, and passing them on later. "That coat used to be your cousin's" would be said like it's a cool interesting fact to share a coat with your cousin, not a shameful failure.

@corythatwas

Because I just feel like I should be able to provide for him rather than relying on second hand worn clothes.

But don't you think you will feel this just as much if you are still in debt and struggling when he's a teenager? The only difference is, he will notice. Now- he genuinely doesn't care.

I don't feel in the least ashamed that my children had hand-me-down clothes and home-made sandwiches when they were little. They have happy memories of fun days together and that is what matters.

Their dad was always the one pushing a bike up to the school gates in his muddy work clothes when the other parents stepped out of immaculate cars in suits- but he was also the one who organised dc's birthday parties (at home because we couldn't afford the venues) and I know many of dc's friends remember him fondly.

I still wear second-hand clothes to this day- but I also support my eldest in London so she can do the training she has always dreamt of. Do you suppose she is ashamed of me for that?

As they grow older, they also learn about money management from you. You have to be the person you want them to learn to be. If you can model money management as something that can be done and doesn't have to be miserable, that is a big gift right there.

@corythatwas

Of course I don’t think your children are ashamed of you. I think you sound like a wonderful mum.

My Nan loves a good charity shop, she’s not short of money. But she loves looking around them and buying bargains.

I honestly do mean it when I say, I’d love to feel happy enough with myself that shopping in a charity shop for second hand clothes wouldn’t make me feel bad about myself.

Also if your DH gets free petrol then you are in a good position to be able to go for different days out and take a flask and a picnic with you to make it a lot cheaper. £30 for pumpkin picking is a bit ridiculous, it's free to go and look around at the farm near me, and something like £3 to buy a pumpkin.

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

Right. I don't want to jump on you OP, but you're not going to get out of your debt anytime soon with this approach to budgeting. That spare £90 would have been a lot better spent chipping away at your credit card debt.

But if we used that £90 we’d have no spare money to fall back on.

How much are you planning on spending at Christams in total this year if you've saved £250 towards it this month alone?!

Just that.

Then we will budget for our Christmas lunch Which we buy from the local farm shop. We’ve always had lunch just me and my husband. DS doesn’t eat an awful lot just yet so we don’t need to buy extra for him.

We get a small turkey crown a veg box and a few sides. Costs us around £25 every year.

Always loads of veg left over to use too!

But if we used that £90 we’d have no spare money to fall back on.

But if you've budgeted properly for the month then you don't need a spare £90 for bread and milk.

You obviously have some kind of hang-up about money and about your own value, OP, and this sounds really tough.

At the same time, your responses are very focused on how certain things make you feel. You don't mention how your baby might feel in years to come. I think you do have to take into account that it won't be that many years before he is a young boy who takes note of things and who reacts to them.

Isn't it more important how he is going to feel if you're not able to get on top of your money issues before then?

Isn't it more important that he trusts you to be able to manage money so as to keep him and his home safe?

Couldn't you cope with a bit of feeling bad now, if it makes him feel better later? And I'm not just talking about the clothes, but about your attitude to spending in general. If you could see saving and building up your CV as an investment in his future, isn't that worth making?