To think I can’t have a happy life with my circumstances

[Beeaaautiful]

I’m 31 married and have been with my husband for 12years.

Our first place we lived together was rented, due to my husbands past relationship (he was only very young) he ended up with a house repossessed which severely impacted his credit rating.
We decided together that we were happy to rent and we would potentially look to buy in the future.

A couple of years later, after the loss of a close friend, I suffered with depression and I left my job and was supported by my husband(then partner) whilst I was out of work for nearly a year.
His salary at the time was okay but we ended up taking out a couple of credit cards for things like holidays and weekends away (I know )

I went back into full time work but instead of prioritising credit cards, we spent our money on other things.
Nights out with friends, weekends away, clothes etc...

We moved from our first place, into a house but weren’t in a position to buy (no deposit) so we rented, this was in 2014.

Over the years we’ve taken out several other credit cards and loans which have been to fund our lifestyle, which we obviously couldn’t afford to live.

In 2016 my husband proposed.
We saved and paid for our wedding.

We knew we wanted to start a family so we decided again to save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave and the cost of things we would need.

I gave birth to our first baby at the start of the year.

My husband is in a much better paid job now and has been there for several years.
I’m not at highly paid, but my salary is ok.

I’m only on SSP which is great, but we’ve been able to manage with our savings.

I’m due back to work in January but I will only be working 3 days a week whilst DC is at a nursery.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

I’m starting to really feel depressed now at how much per month we are still paying on credit cards and loans.

We will be able to manage but we are easily paying out £700 a month to creditors and none of it is even recent debt. It’s all from years ago.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since my son was born and I haven’t bought myself anything new to cater to my new size so I’m wearing horrible stretchy clothes. I haven’t had my hair cut in months and I feel like I’ve completely let myself go.

I don’t really see a way now how we can ever get out of the debt we’re in and I certainly don’t thing we will ever own a house.

We did apply for a consolidation loan to help us but neither of us were approved.

I’m starting to feel like a failure as a mum and it’s really upsetting me thinking my son won’t get the life he deserves.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

@BarbaraofSeville

It could well be cheaper to run your own old car and let your work provide a pool or hire car when you need one.

It’s definitely not. I pay £80 extra tax a month on having a company car.

When I had my own car I spent more than that on insurance, breakdown cover, MOT & services.

@Hahaha88

And if you decide not to go back to work, which is seems you want to go for, you'll be short that 200 a month. So yes it's is 200 a month better off in work than not working hmm why can't you see that

Because I guess I’m comparing it to my financial position now.
So to me it feels like a loss rather than a gain.

£50 on a coat and gloves for a baby 😬. Try Asda. £30 for coffee and butties? Make your own and take them with you.

I can clearly see you heading for bankruptcy courts

There’s a few things going on here. Firstly you seem to be tying in happiness with material assets. Start separating these things out. Happiness comes from within, start improving that and you will feel more optimistic about the outside world.

Seperate our needs and wants -cost up your needs (these are anything that keeps you and your family alive or is necessary to earn money. After this split out what you have left. Prioritise paying off debts but leave yourself a couple of treats, say a takeaway every couple of weeks. There’s actually not too much you can spend money on at the mo.

I know people will jump on me now and tell me I shouldn’t be going pumpkin picking or to illuminations.
But we have to have some enjoyment on a weekend as a family.
Of course you do, but you can do it cheaper. 50 on a coat and gloves for a baby is ludicrous. You could have easily got it for under a tenner. And you could have taken food with you and just had a treat coffee or something.

Because I guess I’m comparing it to my financial position now.
So to me it feels like a loss rather than a gain.
But what you have now will end. That's all there is to it. You're only options are not to work, or to work and be £200 up. You need to reframe how you look at things. You're extremely glass is half empty and that's not going to get you anywhere

Right, I know you fear being 'jumped on' but your spending is insane when you're in so much debt and sounds like the reason why you'll struggle to get out of it.

Fine to go to Blackpool illuminations as it's a one off and £30 isn't hugely over the top if you get fish and chips and a coffee each. Obviously also the illuminations so a good day out.

However, £30 for pumpkin picking is madness sorry. Go for a walk in the woods with a picnic and get a pumpkin from the supermarket or farm shop and you'll have change from a tenner. Your baby won't know the difference. Do you spend a lot of money on food and drink out of the house? That's a really easy way to cut back, because it's so expensive, usually poor quality, you often have to queue up for ages too.

Same for Christmas. This year you have the perfect excuse to do it as cheaply as possible, covid and being on maternity leave.

No presents for adults other than perhaps each other and your parents and only token ones, small amount of presents for DS, he won't know the difference between £5 from the pound shop, £50 from the supermarket or £500 from Hamleys, he's a baby. And he'll probably get spoilt by grandparents etc anyway.

You can't have a extended big family Christmas so you can just have a small roast at home, walks, Christmas lights in local country parks if you have some nearby, films at home etc. Lovely and relaxing and no need to be putting £250 away to pay for it - how much are you planning to spend?

'Out of the £450 we put £250 into our premium bond account (for Christmas)

£50 was budgeted for DS clothes as he needed a winter coat & gloves.
He also needed new sleep suits and vests.

We went pumpkin picking last weekend and budgeted £30 for it. (cost of going plus buying a pumpkin and then we got coffees and sandwiches)

We’ve budgeted £30 to take DS to see the Blackpool illuminations next week.
DH has a petrol card so we don’t have to pay fuel, the £30 is just for us to go and allows for food or drinks.

So that left us with £90 “spare” which we’ve just left in our joint account and spend as we go.
So if we run out of milk or bread etc.'

OP, it really does depend how much you want to clear your debt.
If you're putting £250 every month away for Christmas, that's too much in your situation (I realise you may not be doing this every month).
£50 for new clothes for an infant? Nope, not necessary - there will be plenty of winter coats in Matalan and Asda for a fraction of that - vests and sleep suits for a couple of quid. Or second hand, or new with tags off Ebay.

No-one's stopping you going pumpkin picking, but again, your DS won't have a clue, and you could have taken your lunch.

Again with the illuminations - who are you going for, because your infant son won't understand it, and £30 on food and drinks is unnecessary.

If you're serious about clearing your debt, you need to look at these kind of spends - you do rather seem to be saying that you deserve it. OK, but it won't help you clear your debt. You really do need to work out your priorities.

Don't think of that £90 as spare!

Think of it as £20 each pocket money and £50 payment to the credit card with the highest interest rate. You've already budgeted for groceries, so milk, bread etc comes out of that.

You really need to be accounting for every penny. You'll be shocked at the amount you could save if you don't stay for coffee after a baby class or take sarnies rather than grabbing lunch out.

If you put away £250 towards Christmas this month, put away the same next month and Dec to help see you through the drop in income when you return to work.

Make every penny count. Honestly, once you get into the swing of a strict budget, it can become addictive (in a good way).

I think you need therapy for that worthless feeling you have. It's idiotic that you think that you need to go expensive pumpkin picking when your child would have been just as happy if you'd spent a few pennies baking pancakes, filling them with jan, eating them in the playground with each other and then going to look for conkers and beautiful yellow leaves. Then once at home pinterest what kind of creative things to do with conkers.

@Hahaha88

50 on a coat and gloves for a baby is ludicrous. You could have easily got it for under a tenner.

It wasn’t just cost and gloves. He needed other bits too (as I mentioned)

looking at my order receipt right now-

Coat £16
Hat & glove set £7
Pack of 3 sleep suits £11 (x 2)
Pack of 8 vests £9
Pack of socks £3

[quote Beeaaautiful]@BarbaraofSeville

It could well be cheaper to run your own old car and let your work provide a pool or hire car when you need one.

It’s definitely not. I pay £80 extra tax a month on having a company car.

When I had my own car I spent more than that on insurance, breakdown cover, MOT & services.[/quote]
Well if your company car only costs you £80 pm, you're very fortunate.

Mine costs me £200 for the smallest cheapest car needed to do my job as I have to pay £170 pm for private use and then there's the tax bill.

The lease finishes soon and I'm not getting another one because I've decided that it's not worth it to me.

@diplodocusinermine

Again with the illuminations - who are you going for, because your infant son won't understand it, and £30 on food and drinks is unnecessary.

You’re right, he won’t.
But I will have that lovely memory of my son as a small baby seeing the illuminations with him.

It’s also an opportunity to get out with DS and DH together and do something a little different.

I think your problem is a common one, it’s one of entitlement. All the things you mention could either have been gotten a lot cheaper by looking in charity shops for clothes packing up sandwiches rather than buying out. or could have been not done at all. Family fun, go for a walk somewhere, pick up leaves, twigs etc and let your baby feel the different texture etc. As she gets older learn about nature together. Watch a film, read a book, learn a new skill together. Classic case of knowing the cost of everything but the value of nothing.

[quote Beeaaautiful]@diplodocusinermine

Again with the illuminations - who are you going for, because your infant son won't understand it, and £30 on food and drinks is unnecessary.

You’re right, he won’t.
But I will have that lovely memory of my son as a small baby seeing the illuminations with him.

It’s also an opportunity to get out with DS and DH together and do something a little different.[/quote]
OP, you and DH have a choice here.

You can carry on doing the fun and nice stuff which costs money.

Or you can choose to tackle the debt.

You can't have be in the short term, but if you choose wisely you can have the best of both in the longer term.

You can carry on doing the fun and nice stuff which costs money.
*
Or you can choose to tackle the debt.

You can't have be in the short term, but if you choose wisely you can have the best of both in the longer term.*

Sorry, should have proof read!

You can do nice and fun stuff, but not the activities that cost £££.

You can't have both in the short term.

@BarbaraofSeville

Well if your company car only costs you £80 pm, you're very fortunate.

Mine costs me £200 for the smallest cheapest car needed to do my job as I have to pay £170 pm for private use and then there's the tax bill.

Perhaps we’re on different company car schemes? There is no lease on mine.
The vehicle is owned by my company.
My tax code is amended to reflect a benefit in kind, which is the use of the vehicle.

Pumpkin picking isn't for kids (especially babies) it's for adults to take Instagram photos. Oh sorry, I mean #makingmemories

The way to get out of debt is to stop spending money frivolously. You don't want to do that, and that's your choice, but you need to own it.

@Ihatefish

I think your problem is a common one, it’s one of entitlement. All the things you mention could either have been gotten a lot cheaper by looking in charity shops for clothes

I honestly would rather starve myself for a month than have to put my baby in 2nd hand clothes from a charity shop.

I already shop at the cheapest possible places for him, Asda, Primark, Matalan.

He’s not in designer clothes and he doesn’t have a wardrobe bursting with clothes.

Some babies have clothes they’ve never worn because parents buy so much for them.
That’s never been the case for us!

@Microwaveableteapot

Pumpkin picking isn't for kids (especially babies) it's for adults to take Instagram photos. Oh sorry, I mean #makingmemories

This may surprise you, I don’t have Instagram, or Facebook.

I took a total of 2 pictures when I was there, both of DH & DS.

I definitely don’t think I’m owed a fancy lifestyle. More than I feel a bit worthless without one.

I think you need to rewrite some of your actions about money so they can end up on the plus side rather than the minus side.

Every time you pay off your debt, that's an investment in your ds' future. If you pay into a pension fund, that's money you're essentially giving him because he won't feel guilted into supporting you.

If you buy him second-hand clothes, can you put the spare money into a jar (my mum used to do this) or write it up as money saved so you can see that you're doing this for him? If you go out, can you take a flask of coffee and your own sandwiches?

Could you try to make it into a bit of a game: let's see how we can do this cheaply, let's see if we can find another way of doing this? So instead of thinking of yourself as failing, you think of yourself as playing a game? That, I think, was my mum's approach and it made for a very happy childhood. I wore my db's hand-me-downs very happily and walked everywhere and was proud of my mum who was so resourceful.

I don't usually recommend this approach as I've seen it used as a weapon against the really poor and sick, but in your case I think it could just work.

I honestly would rather starve myself for a month than have to put my baby in 2nd hand clothes from a charity shop.

Why, if I may ask? Some charity shop clothes are as good as new, the alternative to reselling them is adding them to the landfill. To me, this is as much about the environment we leave behind for our children as for the money we manage to save for them.

I have sympathies, I have a toddler and of course there's all manner of nice things you can spend your money on. But at this age you can absolutely have a nice time and get the things you need cheaply.

I went last weekend to the local woods, could have just paid for parking (admittedly had an unnecessary coffee) and it was full of young families enjoying themselves, nothing to ashamed of going on less expensive trips!

I guess what I'm trying to say is you have the opportunity at this stage to save a bit on costs and start sorting out the debt, rather than it being an issue when he is older and might be more aware that finances are an issue.

[quote Beeaaautiful]@diplodocusinermine

Again with the illuminations - who are you going for, because your infant son won't understand it, and £30 on food and drinks is unnecessary.

You’re right, he won’t.
But I will have that lovely memory of my son as a small baby seeing the illuminations with him.

It’s also an opportunity to get out with DS and DH together and do something a little different.[/quote]
But you could have lovely memories doing things that are cheaper than £30 a time.

You also seem to have a particular problem with second hand clothes. I've just bought DS a new coat second hand for a fiver. Thus saving myself £11 on your £16 one. £11 that I can do something nice with without borrowing it on a credit card.

You don't seem to want to make any sacrifices to get yourself out of debt. Your whole OP comes across very "we wanted this so we got it". "I wanted lovely memories of DS seeing the illuminations" "I'd rather starve than buy second hand" etc. Which is all lovely if you can afford to make those choices. But you're unhappy because you can't really afford it. Wouldn't you rather make a few sacrifices now so you're out of debt and able to enjoy spending money on him when he's a bit older?

[quote Beeaaautiful]@Ihatefish

I think your problem is a common one, it’s one of entitlement. All the things you mention could either have been gotten a lot cheaper by looking in charity shops for clothes

I honestly would rather starve myself for a month than have to put my baby in 2nd hand clothes from a charity shop.

I already shop at the cheapest possible places for him, Asda, Primark, Matalan.

He’s not in designer clothes and he doesn’t have a wardrobe bursting with clothes.

Some babies have clothes they’ve never worn because parents buy so much for them.
That’s never been the case for us![/quote]
Wow! Nothing wrong with charity shops. It's good for the environment, good for charity, and saves money. You need to stop attaching shame to things like this. Be proud that you're reducing consumerist waste.

As kids we never had sandwiches out. My parents thought it a rip off, took a packed lunch. I remember being so excited by M and S sandwiches as a teenager.

When you're earning well and kid free, its easy to get into wasteful expensive habits. But you need to remember it's all a rip off, a flask of tea from home is fine, and you can have a special day cheaply.