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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that grandchildren are a joy and a blessing??

126 replies

alladinisalive · 14/10/2020 16:56

AIBU to think that having grand children is a blessing?? A bit of background to put my thoughts in context. My brother and I had the most wonderful childhood , my parents did so much with us and we will both say my mum was an amazing mum, my dad was a little distant towards us he had a high powered job and was always stressed but it didn't really matter as my mum was amazing. However now they have grandchildren they have no interest, theyv'e been there done that. My mum did say to be when I was 17 and a friend of mine got pregnant and her mum was a great help, that when I have children don't expect to be a hands on grandma because she will be busy enjoying herself as for the last 17 yrs it was all about us. I thought at the time she was just saying this to stop me thinking of getting pregnant!!!

My kids are now 14 and 12 and there grandparents have never taken them out, only had them to sleep over once and made them both be in bed by 7 so they could watch a film, and they need reminding of their birthdays. If you ask for their help they are always busy or will just say no. They find them annoying, loud and messy and are exactly the same with my nephews who are much younger.

My dad has now been diagnosed with cancer and we thought this would change their outlook but it has done the opposite. They want to love and live every waking moment doing what they want and although that involves spending time with me and my brother it doesn't involve the grandchildren. My kids have picked up on the fact that their grandparents "don't like them" so actually they don't really want to see them. They have no relationship with them at all and for the last 14 yrs I have been trying to build this relationship but because they have now said they don't really have any time for them it has completely changed my concept and views on them my whole childhood and now my dads cancer diagnosis!!! It makes me think if they don't want a relationship with their own grandchildren is it going to be very hard me seeing them and spending time with them and therefore persuing a relationship with them. AIBU to think this isn't a normal reaction??? Obviously the cancer diagnosis has shocked them and us quite alot but normally in this situation grandparents want to see more of their grandchildren not less.

Before my brother had children he didn't believe that were so uninvolved and was convinced that it would be different with his children but it is just the same. My SIL has fallen out with them and my DH is close to as well. Struggling to know how to move on from these revelations!!

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 14/10/2020 17:04

It’s a shame, and I look forward to grandchildren myself, but no, it’s not automatically a joy. Depends what the people concerned think.

Slightlybrwnbanana · 14/10/2020 17:12

Well your parents obviously don't think so!
Their loss.

bridgetreilly · 14/10/2020 17:16

YABU to assume that someone else should think so.

Perhaps when you are a grandparent, you will find the grandchildren a joy and a blessing, and perhaps you won't.

Leaannb · 14/10/2020 17:16

I think your expectations were unreasonable.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/10/2020 17:18

I don't think it's automatic Confused

They dedicated themselves to giving you and your brother a great childhood - they CHOSE you

They didn't choose your children...

I have no interest in my children having grandchildren- she definitely will in the next decade - I will finish work and start to 'live' for the first time about then

I'm really not going to give up my last ten active years to playing with young children again

KetoPenguin · 14/10/2020 17:19

It's a bit unusual that your mum at least was a good parent and loving, but has no interest in her grandchildren. I can understand not wanting to get involved with childcare though.

Slightlybrwnbanana · 14/10/2020 17:20

There's a big gap between doing loads of childcare as some gps do, and showing so little interest that your own grandchildren figure out you don't like them Sad

MrsTWH · 14/10/2020 17:21

I understand OP. It’s really disappointing. My own Dad and step-mum couldn’t care less about my kids, my in laws don’t much either. I don’t expect much from them but just to ask how they are occasionally wouldn’t go amiss. It’s hurtful and you feel like your children are missing out on an important relationship.

grafittiartist · 14/10/2020 17:23

That's disappointing.
They don't HAVE to love them and spend time with them- but I can't understand why they wouldn't.
My nieces and nephews are a joy to me - and I hope I am lucky enough to have grandchildren too

riddles26 · 14/10/2020 17:24

I guess its their choice but the natural consequence of being uninterested is the feeling is now mutual with their grandchildren and they also do not want to see their grandparents.

It must be hard for you, especially when you want them to have a positive relationship but its their loss

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 14/10/2020 17:25

My IL’s are like this- great parents to their children, but strangely uninterested in their two grandchildren.

We’ve never asked for help with childcare so I do find it strange that they make so little effort to get to know the next generation, they’re not unfriendly people generally! The children are older now and don’t have much of a bond with them-whereas they’re fond of my side, even though they live in a different country and we see less of them!

justanotherneighinparadise · 14/10/2020 17:25

I kind of thought ‘good for them’ whilst reading that as it sounded like your mum really did give her absolute all into raising you and your brother and she deserved some time for it just to be her and your dad. But now I do worry how she will cope if your dad dies a long time before her and hope she doesn’t regret her lack off effort with the grandchildren.

Feetupteashot · 14/10/2020 17:27

Maybe you should talk to your mum a bit about this. I find other children annoying but adore my own.

Just because she doesn't want to spend lots of time with small children doesn't mean she didn't love you when you were a child.

My parents don't do childcare but they love seeing them for lunch with us. I don't see why they should be hands on

nitsandwormsdodger · 14/10/2020 17:28

It is weird that your mum was so fantastic and now the opposite and I can see why you would now question if it was fake
It's very sad but you can't make someone have a relationship with you

Original poster
alladinisalive · 14/10/2020 17:28

My mums philosophy is that she chose to have us and she did soo much for us which she did and I really do thank her for that. BUT because she has been there and done that she will admit she didn't particularly enjoy it but she did it for us. Once we got to 18 she had done her job and my children are the next generation so not really to do with her. Neither of them really like children they went to a golden wedding party before lockdown and left after an hour because it was full of screaming kids and nanas and grandads fussing over them and they went expecting intellectual adult conversation and a bit of a dance!!!! I think because they were so involved and did so much for us it made them perhaps resent the demands of children which has made them very anti children!!

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 14/10/2020 17:29

There are no rules about how people should feel towards their grandchildren. They feel how they feel.

Your parents committed themselves to giving you a wonderful childhood. They were very good parents. That's really all they needed to do.

You chose to have children, now it's your turn to be the best parents you can be. They've done their child rearing.

DaphneduM · 14/10/2020 17:31

How sad for you. But there's nothing you can do about it. We actually moved house to be near our grandson and look after him a couple of days a week. We love him very much, he's so adorable and funny and makes us laugh. He can, of course, be an absolute handful too at times! Do you think it is really both of them that feel this way, or could it be that your mother is dominated by your father? It's their loss not to want to know their grand-children.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/10/2020 17:34

I'd be baffled to. My parents have been wonderful grandparents, they all got so much joy from each other.

I only have one Grandchild so far and I'm besotted by her, literally enchanted! I would love to live close enough to help out every week.

HowFastIsTooFast · 14/10/2020 17:35

I think you're a bit unreasonable to anticipate how anyone else would feel about anything. Of course the majority love their grandkids and want to be involved but not all and that's fair enough. They've done their child rearing days.

I know a couple who had their first DC literally the same month her DD retired after a long and stressful career, and expected (and received) free childcare from him and her DM. He wasn't particularly thrilled about it, at least to start with. A longed for retirement and extensive travel plans suddenly suffocated by a kid that wasn't his. I don't blame him to be honest.

LightDrizzle · 14/10/2020 17:37

I understand your disappointment but I don’t think their disinterest in their grandchildren negates your mother’s devoted parenting of you. They love you, they cared for you, I wouldn’t punish them for lack of interest in your children. They gave you the tools to be a good parent to your children and stopped at that.

NotOfThisWorld · 14/10/2020 17:37

I get you OP. It's unreasonable to expect anything of grandparents. They have no responsibility to our children. They're also older so the energy they might have had which enabled them to enjoy us when we were young is no longer there.

That said I do feel envious of people I know with super involved grandparents who really enjoy and cherish their grandkids. It's not so much childcare or gifts or anything like that I'd care about it would just be nice if my mum was really interetsed in the DC so I could send her photos and get a response or she'd be excited about the little things (DS got his 10m swimming badge or DD has learned to ride her bike) that only close family care about.

My Mil is really busy with her own life so there's no way she'd want to move next door and see the kids every day but she is really into them. She likes getting pictures and finding out what they're up to and she'll listen to them chatting to her on the phone without being obviously bored. I wish my mum was like this too.

OwlBeThere · 14/10/2020 17:41

Tbh as it stands I don’t see any of my children having children for various reasons and it doesn’t bother me. I see my stepmum run ragged looking after my siblings children and fuck that for a laugh. She’s in her 70s, she had her first child at 20, that’s 50 years of looking after kids. And if that’s what you like, great, but it isn’t for everyone.

GreggsSausageRollandaBrew · 14/10/2020 17:41

Well it's not my experience as I'm very close to my grandparents and my mum has expressed how excited she would be to become one.

However, I don't think they are necessarily unreasonable to want to concentrate on themselves now.

Are they unkind to your children when they see them? Or do they just not make a huge amount of effort outside of the times you see them?

Collidascope · 14/10/2020 17:43

So many people on here claim to regret having children even thought they love them. I can understand you being hurt but I can also understand them not being particularly interested in kids, though I'm sure they love you. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable really. It's just a shame. And I'm sorry about your dad. I hope his treatment goes well.

dingledongle · 14/10/2020 17:43

I empathise with your experience, my parents are similar. They choose to throw money at my children them rather than spending time with them.

My children are 15 and 12 so a similar age to yours and are not really 'interested' in their Grandparents now either 🤷‍♀️

I have spent years trying to make sense of it and have not been able to!

Interestingly my Dad had major heart surgery last year and this made little difference

Mum wants me to manage all of their finances (I am an only child) and tbh I don't really want too, feel a bit resentful about it all. She is clearly starting to worry about the future.

Others will tell you 'they are your kids' however it is quite hurtful and I do find it difficult to understand and, like you, I now reflect on my own childhood too Wink