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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that grandchildren are a joy and a blessing??

126 replies

alladinisalive · 14/10/2020 16:56

AIBU to think that having grand children is a blessing?? A bit of background to put my thoughts in context. My brother and I had the most wonderful childhood , my parents did so much with us and we will both say my mum was an amazing mum, my dad was a little distant towards us he had a high powered job and was always stressed but it didn't really matter as my mum was amazing. However now they have grandchildren they have no interest, theyv'e been there done that. My mum did say to be when I was 17 and a friend of mine got pregnant and her mum was a great help, that when I have children don't expect to be a hands on grandma because she will be busy enjoying herself as for the last 17 yrs it was all about us. I thought at the time she was just saying this to stop me thinking of getting pregnant!!!

My kids are now 14 and 12 and there grandparents have never taken them out, only had them to sleep over once and made them both be in bed by 7 so they could watch a film, and they need reminding of their birthdays. If you ask for their help they are always busy or will just say no. They find them annoying, loud and messy and are exactly the same with my nephews who are much younger.

My dad has now been diagnosed with cancer and we thought this would change their outlook but it has done the opposite. They want to love and live every waking moment doing what they want and although that involves spending time with me and my brother it doesn't involve the grandchildren. My kids have picked up on the fact that their grandparents "don't like them" so actually they don't really want to see them. They have no relationship with them at all and for the last 14 yrs I have been trying to build this relationship but because they have now said they don't really have any time for them it has completely changed my concept and views on them my whole childhood and now my dads cancer diagnosis!!! It makes me think if they don't want a relationship with their own grandchildren is it going to be very hard me seeing them and spending time with them and therefore persuing a relationship with them. AIBU to think this isn't a normal reaction??? Obviously the cancer diagnosis has shocked them and us quite alot but normally in this situation grandparents want to see more of their grandchildren not less.

Before my brother had children he didn't believe that were so uninvolved and was convinced that it would be different with his children but it is just the same. My SIL has fallen out with them and my DH is close to as well. Struggling to know how to move on from these revelations!!

OP posts:
TerribleLizard · 14/10/2020 17:45

I would also question my memories of childhood in your position, as your mum has made it sound like it was all a chore for her, while you remember a lovely childhood.

Expecting grandparents to do school pick ups every day is very different to having them for the odd day as a favour. Occasionally looking after them isn’t a lot to ask.

I think it’s unusual at best, and I would have to wonder when my parents started to actually enjoy my company if I was such hard work as a kid.

I’m sorry, OP, I imagine it’s very hurtful.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 14/10/2020 17:45

The thing I find odd is that these children aren’t “children,”they’re individuals with their own interests and personalities. They might get on really well with their GP’s so why take little interest in them?

ScrapThatThen · 14/10/2020 17:45

Wow that does sound really upsetting. I'm willing to bet there are some really buried feelings going on here. Maybe your Dad resented how your mum put you first. Or maybe she resented him for not helping. Maybe their parents didn't help them. Or maybe grandchildren symbolise her loss of you as her children which is upsetting for her. Either way, it's a very strange reaction. I would not do things with them that do not include or value your children and I would express that their lack of warmth and relationship with dc is hurting you all. You are not beholden to her for being a good parent, she chose to do that and she is choosing to hurt you now.

thecatsthecats · 14/10/2020 17:48

I'm factoring in how few grandchildren I want to how many kids I have Grin

I'm not a people person, so if I had three kids with three partners, who each had three kids... That's like, twelve additional people in my life I have no choice over.

(I am aware that I could have one child who adopted 12 kids... And that I have no control over this in general!)

I had fairly low key relationships with my grandparents, and enjoyed those relationships for what they were. My sister has this big idea in her head about what grandparent relationships should be and is obsessed about providing and encouraging equal opportunities to both sets. As such, she's incredibly angsty about the whole thing.

Kids will ONLY care about these things if you keep forcing the matter in their faces. They are picking this up from you.

Roselilly36 · 14/10/2020 17:48

Such a shame, but their loss, my mum was the same not interested in the least, luckily MIL cherished them, so they didn’t miss out. I am really looking forward to having grandchildren in the future, nothing will give me greater pleasure.

mercutio12 · 14/10/2020 17:51

What are your children like?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 14/10/2020 17:52

It's awful for your children to know that their grandparents don't like them. Mine are the same, except that was predictable because they were terrible, disinterested parents too.

It must feel strange to know that so much of your wonderful childhood was pretence, I don't know what to say about that (I always knew mine didn't like me, not least because my mother told me!).

I know of course that my parents aren't obliged to like my children, or to care about them, but I find it hard to imagine not loving the children of the people I love most. It just doesn't make sense to me.

katy1213 · 14/10/2020 17:52

Good for them! They raised their children wholeheartedly and wholeheartedly enjoyed the next stage of their life.

ScrapThatThen · 14/10/2020 17:53

Mind you, thinking about it my mum hates children! Always complains when they go on holiday and there are families there. And she was always more keen on the idea of having the dc over than actually doing it!
And my recently bereaved ddad who never visited because this dwife wept telling me and my brother how he felt he had missed out on the grandkids growing up - but has since made no effort to have any contact with them at all and has no intention to visit or move closer.
So maybe your parents are no weirder than mine!

Whatthebloodyell · 14/10/2020 17:54

My grandchildren are the centre of their grandparents world. And it is easy to
Assume that is how it is for everyone. But I can understand it. Not being the case. I was only reflecting the other day how, as much as i love my children, I have ‘lost’ a lot of my own identity in the years since I had them. In a way I look forward to that time when they are grown up and I can put myself first again, And do all the things that I can’t do now. So I can see how some grandparents are too busy enjoying their freedom to spend much time Being grandparents!

Frankley · 14/10/2020 17:55

I'm a grandparent. Did the baby minding, took them to nursery etc. Really it was to help my daughter keep her job. I had worked when my children were little (without the help l gave my daughter). I felt it was important she kept her job if she wanted too.
Looking after grandchildren was so much more fun than it was my own. I could concentrate just on them. I don't regret that time. Maybe l missed out on some holidays l could have taken then but l had enjoyment in a different way.
The grandchildren are at school now, but l am still looking out for books etc that they might like.
I have found the experience of watching them grow completely different to my own kids.
Suppose we are all different!

ohtheholidays · 14/10/2020 17:57

This is so sad to read OP.

We(myself and my DH)became Grandparents for the first time just over a year ago and we adore our Grandson,he is amazing and we'd happily spend time with him every single day.

But mine and my DH's childhoods were different to what you experienced sadly our childhoods weren't that happy and although my parents adored our 5DC they weren't really hands on Grandparents as much as we are with our Grandson.

We get so much from our relationship with our Grandchild that I really do agree with the PP that it's your parents that are missing out,I'm sorry your parents aren't more involved with your DC.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/10/2020 17:58

I think the lack of a relationship with them is a little sad.

I’m with them on not being the default childcare though. So many grandparents are put upon to do the school runs, childcare, babysitting, holiday cover as the parents want it done for free rather than pay a sitter or childminder. When are they supposed to get any time for themselves?

bigvig · 14/10/2020 17:59

It's their choice to make. If they don't want to see your children or make any effort they don't have to. However you and your children also get to choose how to respond. In your position I'd cut down my visits as I wouldn't want to subject my children to being made to feel unwanted. I also wouldn't put pressure on the children to see their grandparents or make any effort in the future - inviting them places, visiting on birthdays etc.

Handsoffisback · 14/10/2020 18:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
alladinisalive · 14/10/2020 18:08

My mum is a control freak and definitely controls my dad so basically he does as he is told to do. They can be unkind to the children but my children do play up to get their attention sometimes and my son did say to them the other day " you don't like me do you" and my mum said "we don't like any children not just you". She does pick on my son a bit and can be nasty to him if he doesn't do as he is asked but he does wind her up because he thinks it is funny. When we visit they never buy anything nice to eat or drink so kids just drink water and have to eat what ever my parents have got in which is usually fruit and sometimes crackers. Occasionally they buy cake but this is strictly adults only which is I am sure a way for my ,mum to instill control!!!! They don't show any interest in anything they do and the cancer diagnosis seems to make then even more determined to not spend any time with them.

OP posts:
pepperwood · 14/10/2020 18:10

It is sad for your kids but it's their choice. I think you need to focus on your own happy childhood because it's far more important they were good parents than good grandparents. It's shitty parenting that fucks kids up.

I've got a few friends who had really poor relationships with their parents (mostly dads) and these same people are Disney grandparents. They're pleased for their kids but it's hurtful.

pepperwood · 14/10/2020 18:11

@alladinisalive

My mum is a control freak and definitely controls my dad so basically he does as he is told to do. They can be unkind to the children but my children do play up to get their attention sometimes and my son did say to them the other day " you don't like me do you" and my mum said "we don't like any children not just you". She does pick on my son a bit and can be nasty to him if he doesn't do as he is asked but he does wind her up because he thinks it is funny. When we visit they never buy anything nice to eat or drink so kids just drink water and have to eat what ever my parents have got in which is usually fruit and sometimes crackers. Occasionally they buy cake but this is strictly adults only which is I am sure a way for my ,mum to instill control!!!! They don't show any interest in anything they do and the cancer diagnosis seems to make then even more determined to not spend any time with them.
Ok, that's actively mean! It's one thing not really liking kids but another admitting it to your grandchildren!
Volcanicorange · 14/10/2020 18:13

Your parents sound awful OP.

Are you sure you haven't just been told so often what a great childhood you had and how much you mum did for you that you started to believe it?

Slightlybrwnbanana · 14/10/2020 18:17

She admitted to not liking your son to his face? I would not bother visiting after that.

Slightlybrwnbanana · 14/10/2020 18:18

@katy1213

Good for them! They raised their children wholeheartedly and wholeheartedly enjoyed the next stage of their life.
Have you actually read the OP's descriptions?
NotOfThisWorld · 14/10/2020 18:21

@alladinisalive

My mum is a control freak and definitely controls my dad so basically he does as he is told to do. They can be unkind to the children but my children do play up to get their attention sometimes and my son did say to them the other day " you don't like me do you" and my mum said "we don't like any children not just you". She does pick on my son a bit and can be nasty to him if he doesn't do as he is asked but he does wind her up because he thinks it is funny. When we visit they never buy anything nice to eat or drink so kids just drink water and have to eat what ever my parents have got in which is usually fruit and sometimes crackers. Occasionally they buy cake but this is strictly adults only which is I am sure a way for my ,mum to instill control!!!! They don't show any interest in anything they do and the cancer diagnosis seems to make then even more determined to not spend any time with them.
My god. This goes beyond not really being that interested in kids and actually sounds deliberately nasty. Why tell your grandchild you 'don't like children'. Why on earth would you get cake in but not allow the kids to have any. That's just going out of your way to make their visit miserable.
TOFO1965 · 14/10/2020 18:30

I'm not sure why you take them to see your parents. They sound unpleasant towards them. I do tho admire your parents for being straight with you. My poor mum loves her grandchildren (my sister had 4) but her life was utterly hi-jacked by them, and my neighbour is struggling with her 2 as well. Neither dare say anything for fear of causing hurt, but the expectation on them is fierce.

Leaannb · 14/10/2020 18:31

@Whatthebloodyell

My grandchildren are the centre of their grandparents world. And it is easy to Assume that is how it is for everyone. But I can understand it. Not being the case. I was only reflecting the other day how, as much as i love my children, I have ‘lost’ a lot of my own identity in the years since I had them. In a way I look forward to that time when they are grown up and I can put myself first again, And do all the things that I can’t do now. So I can see how some grandparents are too busy enjoying their freedom to spend much time Being grandparents!
As a grandmother no way in hell would any of my grandkids become the center of my world
Poppingnostopping · 14/10/2020 18:32

I don't think parents can be described as 'great' if they actively reject a part of their own children's life (children, hobby, moving abroad) to the point that you can't be around them with it. Parenting isn't a 0-18 deal, it doesn't have to be hands on after 18 but emotionally parenting is a lifelong job and really, it's quite bad parenting to make your children feel guilty for having children and to show open dislike to their grandchildren. It's like showing open dislike for a career choice, or a marital partner- why on earth as a 'good parent' would you go down that road, especially if your child was happy with that choice.

To me, the consequence of them neglecting their grandchildren would be I would like them less and see them less. My children are part of me and rejecting them or being disinterested in them is hurtful to me, their child. Honestly, OP, I really don't think they are great parents!