AIBU to think that grandchildren are a joy and a blessing??

[alladinisalive]

AIBU to think that having grand children is a blessing?? A bit of background to put my thoughts in context. My brother and I had the most wonderful childhood , my parents did so much with us and we will both say my mum was an amazing mum, my dad was a little distant towards us he had a high powered job and was always stressed but it didn't really matter as my mum was amazing. However now they have grandchildren they have no interest, theyv'e been there done that. My mum did say to be when I was 17 and a friend of mine got pregnant and her mum was a great help, that when I have children don't expect to be a hands on grandma because she will be busy enjoying herself as for the last 17 yrs it was all about us. I thought at the time she was just saying this to stop me thinking of getting pregnant!!!

My kids are now 14 and 12 and there grandparents have never taken them out, only had them to sleep over once and made them both be in bed by 7 so they could watch a film, and they need reminding of their birthdays. If you ask for their help they are always busy or will just say no. They find them annoying, loud and messy and are exactly the same with my nephews who are much younger.

My dad has now been diagnosed with cancer and we thought this would change their outlook but it has done the opposite. They want to love and live every waking moment doing what they want and although that involves spending time with me and my brother it doesn't involve the grandchildren. My kids have picked up on the fact that their grandparents "don't like them" so actually they don't really want to see them. They have no relationship with them at all and for the last 14 yrs I have been trying to build this relationship but because they have now said they don't really have any time for them it has completely changed my concept and views on them my whole childhood and now my dads cancer diagnosis!!! It makes me think if they don't want a relationship with their own grandchildren is it going to be very hard me seeing them and spending time with them and therefore persuing a relationship with them. AIBU to think this isn't a normal reaction??? Obviously the cancer diagnosis has shocked them and us quite alot but normally in this situation grandparents want to see more of their grandchildren not less.

Before my brother had children he didn't believe that were so uninvolved and was convinced that it would be different with his children but it is just the same. My SIL has fallen out with them and my DH is close to as well. Struggling to know how to move on from these revelations!!

Our grandparents were like this...we didn’t spot it so much when we were small but it dawned on us that they weren’t interested as we got older. We are all now adults and it’s only my Nan who is left. It sounds really awful but I don’t really feel anything for her. She is now very frail and elderly and is very reliant on others but I can’t bring myself to get involved and neither can other family members. It’s very sad but she lived a life of being disinterested and self centred...yet still seems confused that we all won’t bend over backwards for her...

In your shoes OP I'd minimized contact between your children and your parents - I don't think either side is getting anything positive from it. If that means you do fewer shorter visits - well that’s' what happens.

If I have GC I'm going to try and learn from my family.

IL had DH young and I think they didn't enjoy parenthood till he was much older though DH was happy- plus they haven't always been great towards me - but they see the children regularly and do things with them and they have developed relationship with them as individuals - they haven't done any babysitting or attending school events or anything like that and have travelled the world and have very active social life or did before corona.

My parents I think see the kids more as an extension of me. My kids did at one time wait all morning excited for them to visit – very rarely did they not bring DN and then spent most of the time talking to me rather than interacting with the kids. We’ve since moved and no attempt to see them in the years since – and on trips back DN is always there and again little interaction with kids directly. I think they’re worried now – as time slipped by that they don’t have much of a relationship with them.

It sounds like OP's parents are the sort of people who don't really like children at all. They like them once they've grown up. They made a decision to give OP and her brother an excellent childhood and delivered this as a task, without enjoying it very much in itself.

That has paid off. They have happy, well brought-up children, whose company they enjoy as adults.

They still don't enjoy the company of children. If they live long enough, they might enjoy their GCs' company as adults. But they've taken the view that it isn't worth investing time and effort with them as children to have a chance of achieving that. They're happy to be distant grandparents and enjoy their own lives, having already devoted many, many years to child-rearing and employment. They can do this safe in the knowledge that you will be excellent parents.

I don't think that attitude; a dislike of children and a view of them as hard work but either a worthwhile investment, or just something one does, is / was that uncommon.

I'm worried this might be me in a few years.

I loved (and still love) my DCs to bits, was an involved, hands-on parent and put them first in every decision that I made.

I now feel that I have spent every drop of my nurturing 'kiddie' energy and have become completely child-intolerant. I just can't be bothered. Worse than the children is the doting parents who expect you to appreciate the glory of their offspring.

Hopefully I still have a few years to recover before grandchildren arrive, but I'm not sure that I'll ever feel the love again.

I know how you feel op, my parents and in laws are the same. My children know that their grandparent don't have time for them. They say hello, how are you then bye and that's it. However one set do buy sweets/cake and pop for them, when they visit. My fil ignores them and acknowledges them when he leaves. They dislike him and have now taken to running upstairs whenever he pops in. I've heard them calling him "arsehole grandad" instead of his name, (in another room) to each other! I can't blame them at all! Yours sound far worse for excluding them from the cake!!! Do you all eat the cake in front of them while they watch, empty handed?!! I would break mine up into pieces and share with them. That would be it for me, I'd stop visiting. However your fathers dying, I'd probably pop in once a week without the children for 20 minutes to chat with him. But bear in mind that when your dad passes on, your mum will be expecting to see you more due to loneliness. When your children don't feel welcome, that won't be easy. Also think about how horrible they feel when you drag them around there. I wouldnt take them around, personally. They chose not to build a relationship with them, so what do they expect?! I'm never going to be like them when I have grandchildren, I always want to help out and get to know them. I understand that you feel horrible, especially for your children. They'll never change. Just stop taking the children over, and see them without them.

My parents love my children and my brother's children with an intensity and passion that genuinely moves both me and my brother. And I have found them at times overbearing, controlling, annoying and interfering but my god, re reading this thread today has made me feel an utter heel and realise how bloody lucky we are that our children are so wonderfully loved.

They sound pretty selfish and self absorbed, I don’t know why but some of that generation are like this. It’s absolutely their loss that they have missed out on a wonderful relationship with their grandkids. I get that not everyone is especially kiddy but it is different when it’s your own children/grandchildren. Just don’t follow their example.

I have one grandchild who is the absolute light of my life! I completely adore him and am as involved as I can be.
I am a young grandparent and still have young children of my own and treat him as one of them to be honest. I can’t imagine it being any different.

My own parents were not the best parents, they did the essentials for us, we were fed and clothed but they never played with us or took us out or read us a bedtime story. That are absolutely wonderful grandparents though. They can’t do enough for my children and nieces and nephews. They are very hands on and do all the things they never did (but should have done) with my siblings and me.

I definitely see grandchildren as a blessing and do slightly judge people who don’t

We don't like any children, not just you! Substitute black people / disabled people / gay people to see how horrendous that statement is

This is as ridiculous as it is offensive

Its ok to not like children. It's allowed. Nobody has to, not even grandparents.

Q is, why does OP keep on and on forcing her children to be around people who tell them to their faces they don't like them? Thats the oddest thing here.

It sounds like your dad was never very interested and left it all to your mum who ended up burned out from your childhood.

I would cherish the excellent grandparent your kids have in your MIL and encourage that relationship. I’m a bit of a pessimist and I’m sorry if the thought of this upsets you but I would hazard a guess that if your dads prognosis becomes poor/terminal your mum will want a closer relationship with your family and discover what it’s like to be rejected by her grandkids.

I’ve never expected my parents or inlaws to watch my kids or take them out ,I would definitely expect them to be loving and give them attention !
I find it so odd that some think this is ok ?
They can still have their “life” without pushing out their own grandkids .

Q is, why does OP keep on and on forcing her children to be around people who tell them to their faces they don't like them? Thats the oddest thing here.

Have to admit I find that odd as well but then I think you can't change people's behaviour just how you react to it.

OP parents don’t look like they’re going to change their behaviour so it’s how you deal with it – short visits without the kids would be my suggestion and really try and lower expecations - often easier said than done IME.

Agree with PPs, there’s a middle ground between doing full-time childcare and just flat out having zero interest. People project on these types of threads a lot and think the OP is being entitled. We very rarely ask parents to look after DCs and have always agreed even before we had children that we weren’t going to rely on them for childcare. We completely understand they’ve done their child-rearing days and want to be out enjoying themselves.

However, they spend a lot of time with them because they choose to and love DC more than we do! I would feel so hurt on DC’s behalf if my parents openly didn’t like them.

They buy cake and then the kids have to watch the adults eat it?! They are horrible!

They can be unkind to the children but my children do play up to get their attention sometimes and my son did say to them the other day " you don't like me do you" and my mum said "we don't like any children not just you"

That’s actually incredibly mean and damaging, my DSS’s mum used to relish announcing “I don’t do children” at parties deliberately when he was in earshot, consequently he really doesn’t like her much now. Is there any benefit in your DC’s having contact with their Grandparents? Time to follow your parents example and be selfish.

They buy cake and then the kids have to watch the adults eat it?! They are horrible!

^This. It isn't just that they're not interested. They're actively unkind to your DC. You shouldn't put them through that.

Agree that your children don't need to hear their grandparents talk about them as if they're a nuisance. This is clearly on your parents and not for your children to internalise.

That said, although I cannot understand being unkind about it to the children, I can understand their perspective on life as grandparents. I love my children to bits and I've moulded my life around them completely. But I do that because I think they deserve it, not because I like it, however crass that may sound. Travelling and living very spontaneously was what I enjoyed most about life before I had children and I miss it very much. Both my children have SEN and I don't know if they will ever be fully independent from me, and although I love having them now and would enjoy being a grandparent without becoming fully involved, I will find it very hard if that time for me being me doesn't ever come back.

My mother, mil and fil have very little interest in my children. My mother was a crap mother, selfish, self obsessed and cold so I'm not surprised she has no interest. Mil on the other hand from what I've heard was a good mum, although she did get an awful lot of help from her own mother. Mil will help if you ask but only on her terms, as in," I will mind children in their own home" if we want a night out which is rare. She does but obstacles in the way, she won't say no outright but will make it difficult that we mostly don't ask unless it's an emergency. It would be nice if they all showed more interest but I can't change them. I've had to really lower my expectations regarding this over the last few years.

Well ,my own GM spent so much time with me ,when Mum worked and Dad was ill(Died when I was 8 so DM had to work ) I realise this is not everyone elses experience obv .One thought did occur to me though ,Does your Father want your Mum all to himself ? If he was working in a high power job, maybe he felt that he missed out on RL with DM?Just a thought.The thing is if he is dying he will need support from you and DB wont he,and DM too .I am sorry to hear of his diagnosis ,but they may have to accept seeing you and DC together.They cannot expect you to drop everything inc DC ,at the drop of a hat when they have been uninvolved for so long .I actually think that they have missed out big time .Everywhere we go we see DGP with DGC having fun and playing in the park and so on.My own DP and PIL took turns to look after my DD ,when DS came along they were older and not too well ,but tried their best .I think they are being very unreasonable here!

I managed to speak to my dad today without my mum there he says since his diagnosis she has changed. She is making his life really hard as she wants everything to be about her and the things she enjoys. He told me something that I didn't know and the fact that she has lost a few friends recently as they are busy spending time with their grandchildren and her friends are often choosing their grandchildren over her whereas always ,even before my dad's diagnosis, she would chose her friends and leisure time over her grandchildren!!! She sees these "friends grand children" as the reason why her social circle has dimisnished!! She gets annoyed apparently because spending time with children regardless of who they are is not something she wants to spend time doing. He told me when we were younger she was very difficult and he just gave into her all the time and when she was a child her dad spoiled her rotten, she has always liked control and has always had control but unfortunately my dads diagnosis is something she can not control. She seems to be blaming "children" for everything, all my aunties and uncles are devoted to their grandchildren so she feels she has lost her friends, her sisters, and her brother to "children" and she thinks that she is left alone - people care more about the children within their family dyamnics - than her.

Now me and my brother think deep in to her childhood my dad literally just did as he was told!!! He said to me today she is the best important thing to her and she is hurting and he will do anything to protect her. Maybe to keep her sane it would be better for my brother and I just to visit them without children for the time being!!!! All a complete emotional mess really with so many feels and emotions getting embroiled up!!!

Ok, it sounds like you have had a bit of a revelation about your mum's personality and mental health. How do you feel about it? You sound worried and supportive, but must be more complicated for you too?

I think this is very unusual and I understand why you're so upset about it. I understand why GPs might not want to get involved in childcare, but not being interested at all is bizarre, especially when your mum was so good when you were a child.

How will your children feel if you visit without them? I would put their feelings above your mother whose problems seem to stem from her own selfishness. Sorry to be harsh.

I'm not sure why keeping your mother sane is a priority for you.
I think it should be your dc first, then your dad, then your mum.

Your Mother managed a spectacular illusion to hide her distaste of children in your childhood! Your poor Dad, he's not had a good married life has he.