AIBU to think that grandchildren are a joy and a blessing??

[alladinisalive]

AIBU to think that having grand children is a blessing?? A bit of background to put my thoughts in context. My brother and I had the most wonderful childhood , my parents did so much with us and we will both say my mum was an amazing mum, my dad was a little distant towards us he had a high powered job and was always stressed but it didn't really matter as my mum was amazing. However now they have grandchildren they have no interest, theyv'e been there done that. My mum did say to be when I was 17 and a friend of mine got pregnant and her mum was a great help, that when I have children don't expect to be a hands on grandma because she will be busy enjoying herself as for the last 17 yrs it was all about us. I thought at the time she was just saying this to stop me thinking of getting pregnant!!!

My kids are now 14 and 12 and there grandparents have never taken them out, only had them to sleep over once and made them both be in bed by 7 so they could watch a film, and they need reminding of their birthdays. If you ask for their help they are always busy or will just say no. They find them annoying, loud and messy and are exactly the same with my nephews who are much younger.

My dad has now been diagnosed with cancer and we thought this would change their outlook but it has done the opposite. They want to love and live every waking moment doing what they want and although that involves spending time with me and my brother it doesn't involve the grandchildren. My kids have picked up on the fact that their grandparents "don't like them" so actually they don't really want to see them. They have no relationship with them at all and for the last 14 yrs I have been trying to build this relationship but because they have now said they don't really have any time for them it has completely changed my concept and views on them my whole childhood and now my dads cancer diagnosis!!! It makes me think if they don't want a relationship with their own grandchildren is it going to be very hard me seeing them and spending time with them and therefore persuing a relationship with them. AIBU to think this isn't a normal reaction??? Obviously the cancer diagnosis has shocked them and us quite alot but normally in this situation grandparents want to see more of their grandchildren not less.

Before my brother had children he didn't believe that were so uninvolved and was convinced that it would be different with his children but it is just the same. My SIL has fallen out with them and my DH is close to as well. Struggling to know how to move on from these revelations!!

My DM never really enjoyed the company of young DC. When me and DB were young, she would always almost do anything than play or spend quality time with us. Her frustration was palpable during school holidays. Lots of shouting.
At 13 and 11 my DC had never ever had a sleepover with her. By this time she was retired and lived ten minutes away, and although helped when asked (three or four times a year), could go a month without making contact. She even once called her neighbour a 'mug' for making Sunday lunch for her DD and GC.
She much preferred cleaning up, shopping and holidaying,and although I plan to travel and don't want to be doing the school run regularly in my retirement, I do think there's a happy medium.

I can understand not wanting to do any childcare, but it seems odd to be so disinterested in their grandchildren when they were good parents to you.

Every one I know adores their grandchildren. They are missing out on a very special relationship. Surely the best part is you have all the fun without the responsibility!

It’s such a shame isn’t it? I’d be so upset if my parents end up being like that!

I’m expecting my first soon - My mum is beside herself with excitement (first grandchild) I know she will be super hands on

My husbands mum however - I actually think she might hate children 😂 she has 6 grandchildren and doesn’t know any of their names - calls them all “the child” hates spending time with them

Her sons have all distanced themselves from her as a result and now she complains that she’s lonely and how come nobody comes to visit her? I dunno

I think it’s very possible you’re looking at the past through a rose tint. There is no way a good parent would become a neglectful grandparent to the degree you have described.

Oh, just read your update. They sound mean! Cake only for the adults is just rude.

I never remember my grandmother as being warm or affectionate toward me. She seemed like a very old and distant lady. A million miles away from how my dm was as a mother and a grandmother, thankfully. I wonder what happened - I think she had a better relationship with other gdc (maybe it was just me!)

You say your mum was amazing and then say she is actively unkind to your children. Are you misremembering your childhood? It doesn’t seem to equate.

That said, they’ve done their child rearing and they’re not obliged to get involved in yours. At least they’re honest.

Definition of a spoiled child; " A child whose company is not a pleasure.".

Is it possible that your children are TOO annoying, loud and messy for their GP's to enjoy their company? There's a big generational difference in regard to child behaviour.

OP said "They find them annoying, loud and messy and are exactly the same with my nephews who are much younger."

We don't like any children, not just you!
Substitute black people / disabled people / gay people to see how horrendous that statement is.

On a positive note, your DCs will not be too upset when at the funeral.

You have my sympathy, it's a bit of a shock when the scales fall from your eyes about your parents.

I just don't get people like this. I cannot wait to have grandchildren. It's not even about them not helping...it's about the lack of love and warmth. Very odd.

My parents adore my DDs. We are very fortunate in that my mum (and my dad but he works too) did the majority of the childcare for DD1 whilst DH and I worked. When lockdown started, my parents seriously missed seeing DD. Now I’m on mat leave with DD2 and they are already as besotted with her. My mum just assumed she would be doing the childcare for DD2 when I go back to work and she would have been disappointed not to have been asked.

DH’s parents live a couple of hours away and don’t see our DDs as often. They are still fantastic with them both and DD1 loves seeing them. DD2 will as well when she’s older. They don’t have the same relationship that my parents have with them but that’s because they don’t see them as often.

OP, your parents sound unkind. It’s one thing to say they’re done with childcare and want to live their lives but deliberately being nasty would be unacceptable to me. I wouldn’t be allowing them to see my children. Your children shouldn’t be deliberately winding them up either though. I understand that they don’t really care for them but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be polite. It makes them all as bad as each other.

Wow so many different comments from people that can see both sides!!! Me and my brother both have the same memories of an amazing childhood - we were loved and cared for, weekends were spent doing things like ice skating or swimming and family holidays abroad were always a joy. My MIL didn't spend lots of time with my husband when he was a child and she says she feels guilty for this therefore she dotes on her grandchildren as she feels she missed out first time round my husband has no memories of his childhood and funnily enough his mum is amazing with my kids and my DH finds this hard as he wishes she had more time for him. She apparently found the whole thing of being a mum very difficult so the easiest thing was to just leave them to their own devices. She now feels so guilty for this she feels she has a second chance and dotes on my 2 and her other grandchildren as well and enjoys every minute My mum has said before she doesn't have to feel guilty about not being there for us because she was and because of this she has no desire in being around children ( whether relatives or not) There last decades of life are for them not anyone else!!!!

I could sort of see both sides until your later post where your mum seems to be actively mean. Adults only cake, saying she doesn’t like your children. That is a really massive step beyond indifference.

It sounds to me like your parents were great parents out of a sense of duty but didnt enjoy it. But it's weird they don't care about your kids to the extent they do. When you care about someone you show an interest in their lives and your kids are a massive part of that. I mean I didnt like other people kids and i still don't but I regularly spent time with my friends and their kids because I loved my friends.

But telling your son they don't like children, leaving parties early because there are children there, not remembering birthdays when there are a million digital reminders, and buying 'adults only' cake and eating it in front of them....all sounds a lot more extreme than the 'I've done my bit'. Some of it sounds borderline mean and cruel. Unless they are completely socially inept surely they know saying 'it's not personal I hate all children' is unnecessary and hurtful. She could have said 'I just dont cope very well with the mess and the noise at my age' if she wanted to be honest.

I think you have to accept they have no interest and stop them from seeing each other as it sounds like it will do more harm than good on both sides. But likewise they have to accept that your children are a big part of your life and if they don't like your children then they're going to see less of you and you will feel uncomfortable about it.

Aw that must be gutting! and also as your DC feel like a bit of an extension of yourself then you must feel quite sad/rejected over this.

Like other people have said I guess there's not much you can do about it. Over time your Mum might change her mind and want to have more to do with your family.

Bollocks to this “they were great parents it’s your turn now” business - surely part of being a good parent is carrying on loving and being interested in your children (and by extension their children) once they’ve grown up?! Anything else is weird and unfeeling.

OP all the things you mention about your childhood are lovely but superficial things- holidays, hobbies, not really about getting your emotional needs met.

Your parents are outright rude and mean to your children, I can't actually make sense of that.

My feeling is you could a) have therapy for yourself to deal with all this including about why you are so invested in your version of a happy childhood and what has been going on since or b)just keep contact to a minimum (this is cheaper!)

I think you could take a more active stance though, if someone tried to feed my kids crackers and not cake, that's not even as polite as you would be to a casual visitor. I would get up and leave.

You aren't asking for childcare, or even lots of visits, just basic politeness. You can't ask someone to detach from their own children any more than you can pretend their husband or wife doesn't exist, just because it doesn't suit you and you would prefer them to come to see you as if they were still in the child role.

I think I'd try to move to the adult role yourself and tell them to do one, or at least limit your visits to what you can cope with yourself, given the way they have treated you (which I totally understand you don't seem to want to engage with as it's actually very hurtful and a bit shit).

Could it be your dads influence on your mum? You say that your dad was often distant but your mum was a great mother. Maybe he’s holding her back having a bond with them?

I say this because similar issue with mil. She loves her grandchildren and often stays she wants to spend more time with them. She has a long term partner. He gets annoyed by the dc and wants mil to himself (they both work and he gets funny if she sees the grandchildren at the weekend)

I cant for the life of me understand why anyone would think this was in anyway acceptable. How can you not be interested in your own children's children? They are blood! They are family!
To say you have brought up your own kids and don't want anything more to do with children is utterly appalling.
I brought my first daughter up as a single parent. I did my best and loved her totally. She says her childhood was very happy. She is 32 now and I cant wait for her to make me a nanny. What could be more beautiful or wonderful or real?

Well, they were great parents to you, which has set you up to be a great parent (to know how to at least). That's a huge service to their GCs.

@katy1213

Good for them! They raised their children wholeheartedly and wholeheartedly enjoyed the next stage of their life.

The two things are not exclusive though, I like to think that we were able to live an enjoyable life together in our retirement and still enjoy our grandchildren. When my OH died suddenly in March a lot of the tears I shed were because he would not see them grow up, he'd only said a few days before, it was at the start of lockdown, that the worst part would not seeing the children as often. However, there are so many anti-grandparents comments on this site that some people seem to want to have their cake and eat it, involvement when it suits but hands off at other times. The most ridiculous phrase commonly used here is 'our little family', by all means be so insular but don't start moaning when others take you at your word.

YABU They have done their bit they are past all that now and want to enjoy themselves doing what they love.

Their choice who to prioritise and enjoy, but they need to remember they aren't the only ones with that choice and ignoring their grandchildren is likely to mean their children have less interest in spending time with them. They don't have to value and spend time with their grandchildren. No one has to value or spend time with them.

I think you can get so much variation with this. Grandparents that want to be involved, that do childcare willingly, might even feel they are over stepping the mark sometimes. Then you get some who are just not that into their grandchildren! I think it is a generational thing because I’m sure in the past families would have relied on each other more, lived closer to each other and naturally bonded more.

Also culturally there are variations, for example in Asian culture extended family is hugely important and there’s an obligation to care for each other but in British culture, it’s fine to have and expect distance from one another. Can be confusing what to expect from one another.

I guess with your mum being such a fantastic mum it was natural for you to expect her to be a hands on grandma.