AIBU to think that grandchildren are a joy and a blessing??

[alladinisalive]

AIBU to think that having grand children is a blessing?? A bit of background to put my thoughts in context. My brother and I had the most wonderful childhood , my parents did so much with us and we will both say my mum was an amazing mum, my dad was a little distant towards us he had a high powered job and was always stressed but it didn't really matter as my mum was amazing. However now they have grandchildren they have no interest, theyv'e been there done that. My mum did say to be when I was 17 and a friend of mine got pregnant and her mum was a great help, that when I have children don't expect to be a hands on grandma because she will be busy enjoying herself as for the last 17 yrs it was all about us. I thought at the time she was just saying this to stop me thinking of getting pregnant!!!

My kids are now 14 and 12 and there grandparents have never taken them out, only had them to sleep over once and made them both be in bed by 7 so they could watch a film, and they need reminding of their birthdays. If you ask for their help they are always busy or will just say no. They find them annoying, loud and messy and are exactly the same with my nephews who are much younger.

My dad has now been diagnosed with cancer and we thought this would change their outlook but it has done the opposite. They want to love and live every waking moment doing what they want and although that involves spending time with me and my brother it doesn't involve the grandchildren. My kids have picked up on the fact that their grandparents "don't like them" so actually they don't really want to see them. They have no relationship with them at all and for the last 14 yrs I have been trying to build this relationship but because they have now said they don't really have any time for them it has completely changed my concept and views on them my whole childhood and now my dads cancer diagnosis!!! It makes me think if they don't want a relationship with their own grandchildren is it going to be very hard me seeing them and spending time with them and therefore persuing a relationship with them. AIBU to think this isn't a normal reaction??? Obviously the cancer diagnosis has shocked them and us quite alot but normally in this situation grandparents want to see more of their grandchildren not less.

Before my brother had children he didn't believe that were so uninvolved and was convinced that it would be different with his children but it is just the same. My SIL has fallen out with them and my DH is close to as well. Struggling to know how to move on from these revelations!!

I find the Mumsnet obsession with grandparents having no obligation towards their grandchildren completely bizarre. When you have children, those children are your family for LIFE, not just til they’re 18 or while they’re child free. They’re still your kids once they’re parents and you should continue to love and support them, which means supporting them in their parenting and taking an interest in their kids, your GRANDCHILDREN.

OP YANBU and your situation sounds so heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.

Just to add, I am not justifying their behaviour. I do find it odd and hurtful. It’s natural to be interested in your own children’s children isn’t it! And to be loving, caring and welcoming.

Doesn’t mean that their lives should revolve around their grandchildren but they should want to spend time with them at least.

So sorry op
I loved my children to bits and still do
I also love their children to bits
I couldn’t be otherwise and I’m sorry your parents didn’t want to involve themselves with their lives.
I find it odd but as an only child , my children and grandchildren were all the brothers and sisters ive never had.

I find generally on forums grandparents are either used for child care without a concern for what the granparents want to do with their retirement or are been called controlling and want to take over and are not looking after the grandkids the way the parents demand, anything different it unacceptable - generally speaking as in I am not saying you are doing this

I can't suggest anything in your case but it should not be assumed grandparents will help just because parents decide to have kids.

If I was in your situation I would just leave them to it and get on with your own lives, sure it is upsetting but what actually is the solution you either talk to the about it specially or let them get on with their life

Oh and my second husband is really involved with my grandkids as he had no children of his own.
In fact since he’s been in the family, we’ve had two grandchildren, so it’s almost like he is their real, proper grandad.

It's sad that they show little interest but I don't think it's reasonable to expect childcare either. I used to go and stay two weeks each year with both sets of grandparents and have lots of fond memories.

I find that really odd given your description of them being great parents. I can understand not wanting to be around screamy kids etc. but forgetting their birthdays is pretty awful.

Also, I'd be offended at the whole "raising you sapped me of the will to give anymore love." Fuck off, it doesnt work like that.

Anyway for you cos it's all a bit shite.

I’m quite taken aback by the current voting score and some of the comments. This is not about your parents not having their own lives and you’re not asking them for childcare. You’re just understandably upset that they’re not interested in having a relationship with their grandchildren. By your description it just sounds so cold. As if they cannot even tolerate their presence. YANBU. This doesn’t sound like they’re part of a living family to you all.

WHY would anyone do that to their children and grandchildren??

It'll be interesting to see whether your DM's attitude changes once your DF has gone. Is she likely to suddenly want to be involved in your family and expect the devotion of her grandchildren? If not, fair enough but if she will she may be in for a big shock!

I wouldn't be surprised if this happens @SpeckledFrogsLog.

@alladinisalive

My mums philosophy is that she chose to have us and she did soo much for us which she did and I really do thank her for that. BUT because she has been there and done that she will admit she didn't particularly enjoy it but she did it for us. Once we got to 18 she had done her job and my children are the next generation so not really to do with her. Neither of them really like children they went to a golden wedding party before lockdown and left after an hour because it was full of screaming kids and nanas and grandads fussing over them and they went expecting intellectual adult conversation and a bit of a dance!!!! I think because they were so involved and did so much for us it made them perhaps resent the demands of children which has made them very anti children!!

You mother made a very successful effort to bring you and your brother up and to remember a wonderful childhood. She has admitted she didn't enjoy a lot of it. We often have ideas about our parents that are nothing like the reality of who they are. When that dissonance impacts us ( ie their attitude to our own beloved children, it is hard to make sense if it).

Your mother spent probably 20 years of her life acting as if she was happy looking after children do you think she should do it for longer?. I know it is painful and I am certain your mother loves you and your brother but she does not like children so doesn't want to be involved with your children in case you expect her to actually help . The consequence is she has no relationship with her grandchildren, that is something she may or may not regret if your dad is not around but it is her choice and who she is

* There's a big gap between doing loads of childcare as some gps do, and showing so little interest that your own grandchildren figure out you don't like them sad*

^Exactly this. My DM and MIL are 81 and 80 respectively and therefore too old to do loads of childcare, but they love seeing their DGDs, and my DDs really benefit from their visits.

We have one dgs. We don’t live nearby but when he was very small we travelled to help out with his care. Now he spends 5 weeks in the summer with us. Hopefully we’ll see him at Christmas.
He is an absolute joy.
I couldn’t imagine life without him.
We also did lots with our dc and still do.
We decorate our dd’s flat, help ds with gardening etc.

I feel for you OP it must be very sad. It’s not as though your dp’s have to do a lot to love their dgc. just taking a genuine interest and spending a weekend with them 2/3 times a year would be enough.

I cannot imagine having such a cold relationship with my grandson, he is an absolute joy to me and my dh, that said, my dd has never 'expected' the help or care that we give, she understands that we are still fairly young and enjoy our lives together.

I had just the one child, didnt always enjoy motherhood, having to earn a living while having a young child can feel like 'grunt work' sometimes.

getting to actually enjoy a small child is a revelation! he makes me stop and smell the roses, seeing his wonder at the world and his pure lust for life is wonderful, I wouldnt miss it for the world.

I think it really depends on your expectations.
For your parents to take a interest is the least they should do. Anything else is rejection and despite you saying they were good parents, they are not continuing to be so by rejecting your children.
It’s hurtful, I get it and experience similar.
That isn’t a good parent, a parent is for life not until 18.
That said, I also notice more and more grandparents struggling to keep up with energetic children at my school. There is a balance to be sought.

My dad and stepmum would agree that grandchildren are an absolute joy They have openly said that their grandchildren fill their lives with so much joy.

My children adore their grandparents and they are so lucky to have such enthusiastic and loving grandparents involved in their lives.

Oh, and I don’t expect my parents to do everything that they do. They see my dad almost every day because he retired in his mid 50s and has been able to spend a lot more time with his grandchildren than he would if he was still working.
All the help he gives me, and all the fun he has with the kids, he does it because he wants to.

getting to actually enjoy a small child is a revelation! he makes me stop and smell the roses, seeing his wonder at the world and his pure lust for life is wonderful, I wouldnt miss it for the world.

Same here. I absolutley love being a Grandparent.

I do wonder if it's partly because I had such a good relationship with my own Grandparents. My memories of my parents are not so good, long story

Because we spent a lot of time with our Grandparents, they kind of brought us up anyway. Their houses always seemed so calm and peaceful, more grounded in something older and traditional. We were also looked after sometimes by a Great Grandparent, who was born in the 19th century!

I'm hoping that one day I will get to spend time with my own Great Grandchildren, God willing.

...OP

Are there any other relatives your parents age who maybe might like to take on the roll of older generation in your family for your DC. Your aunts or uncles for example

My mum hasn't seen or spoken to my DC for 4 yrs, she doesn't send birthday or Christmas cards or even acknowledge their existence. But she is a very cold woman who showed no warmth or emotion when I was a child so I expected this from her.

Fortunately DH's parents are the most loving, kind, involved, grandparents a child could wish for, so we just spend our time with them instead.

Your parents sound cold which is strange of your mum compared to how you remember her when you were young. I have one grandchild. I want to do all the fun things with this one and any others. But I won't be doing any regular childcare whatsoever. I have lots of retirement plans mainly with my partner. I know people who the minute they retire they look after the grandchildren practically full time. That won't be me but I will definitely be a big part of their lives.

I feel sorry for people who have missed out on the joy grandchildren can bring, for whatever reason.

I loved my children -- still do now they are grown. I enjoyed their company as they grew and made lives for themselves. And I was lucky enough to have the time and be given the opportunity to help rear my children's children, in small but important ways.

I love spending time with grandchildren. Love talking to them. Love walking holding a tiny hand and chattering. Love seeing the world afresh through innocent excited eyes. Love hearing their stories and playing along with their games. Love reading stories to them, reciting poems with them, hearing them sing and make music. Love explaining things to them (yes, even the interminable 'Why?'). I love seeing them grow up and away from me, turning into such beautiful people, just as their parents did.

OK, changing nappies is shit, children or grandchildren. And temper tantrums are not always fun. There are difficulties raising children grandchildren too. But, taken all-in-all, parenting and grandparenting has been the best thing in my life and, yes, I have travelled the world, had a fulfilling and successful career, made plenty of money, passionately loved my partner long-term (even now into our dotage). I have all-round been lucky.

I recognise the perfection I now see in my grandchildren (and earlier saw in their parents) is mostly an evolutionary artefact given their share of my genes and of those I have loved. Nevertheless I do see their perfection, and I count myself lucky to be able to take such delight in it.

Others, I know, share these feelings for their grandchildren. Some of my friends. And strangers, too; we catch each others eye and smile in recognition.

So I have advised my children and I advise others too if you ever get a chance to look after grandchildren and spend time with them, grab it with both hands.

Beautiful 9toenails, you brought a tear to my eye.
I aspire to be like that. My DCs are adult, but not yet (I hope!) going to be parents for a while yet.

I can’t believe the percentage figures on this poll.

It’s completely ABNORMAL not to want to know your grandchildren. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.