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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he'll have to make other arrangements from now on

127 replies

GreggsSausageRollandaBrew · 14/10/2020 16:46

I'm WFH in a very high stress job. I am absolutely swamped and just trying to keep on top of everything. I feel so stressed.

My husband works for himself, outside of the home.

He seems to have decided that on his days with my SC, he will pick them up from school and drop them back off at the house with me whilst he goes back to work.

I am fucking fed up of it. The last 3 times this has happened has been spent shouting at them to be quieter, constant squealing and screaming from the other room, shouting that X did Y etc... Not listening to me when I tell them to go in separate rooms and just play quietly for a while.

The straw this afternoon was them deciding after being asked 4 times to be quiet as I was on calls, to get some plastic swords out that they have and start bashing them together and shouting/squealing.

I'm fucking sick of it. I've just shut my laptop down because I can't concentrate at all. I am furious that DH thinks he just gets to swan off back to work and leave me dealing with this.

AIBU to say that's it now, from now on he'll have to make other arrangements whether that's taking them back to work with him or coming home himself so he can police it himself.

I am so behind with work and I don't need to be dealing with this all the time as well.

They just don't fucking listen and I am done with it.

OP posts:
Graphista · 14/10/2020 16:49

Yanbu to put your foot down now, ywbu to put up with it as long as you have.

His kids, his supposed contact time with them, if is unable or can't be arsed to do so that's on him not you and it's not fair on Dsc either - they're there to see and spend time with him not you in particular

Speaking as a 1st wife I would not be at all happy if an ex did this with my dc

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2020 16:50

YANBU. Your husband wouldn't drag them around all day while he's working, would he? Yet he thinks it's perfectly fine to dump them on you while you're working. Fuck that. You have a job to do and it isn't to babysit his kids. Put your foot down and put an end to this.

VimFuego101 · 14/10/2020 16:51

Of course YANBU - it's obnoxious of him to have even thought of dropping them off in the first place. Can you make yourself unavailable for the first time you enforce this (work somewhere else for the day) just to make sure he doesn't try and spring it on you again?

awesomeaircraft · 14/10/2020 16:51

YANBU. It sounds reasonable. You are at work. He is leaving them without supervision. The fact you are WFH should not muddy this. If you were in an office, he would have to sort out childcare.

I would reiterate but also make myself scarce to force him to actually find a solution.

Can you go and work in a cafe (assuming you are in tier 1)?

HollowTalk · 14/10/2020 16:52

No way on this earth. Who the hell does he think he is?

NailsNeedDoing · 14/10/2020 16:53

How old are they? Not that it makes much difference, it’s hard enough trying to work and look after children that are your own, no way should you have to do it for someone else’s.

cantgetmyheadroundit · 14/10/2020 16:56

Because 'some' men don't look at your job as real. It's as if they have an idea that you spend your day fannying about rather than actually doing a job. Almost like you're playing at a pretend job for fun.

I'm making myself angry writing this 🤣

FinallyHere · 14/10/2020 16:57

His kids, his contact time.

Seems pretty straightforward to me.

I can imagine in an emergency you might take them for him. By emergency I mean blue flashing lights involved.

CodenameVillanelle · 14/10/2020 16:58

You should have said this the first time he tried it. Why didn't you?

WhatWouldJKRDo · 14/10/2020 16:59

You are not his childcare solution.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/10/2020 17:02

you've only been unreasonable to have let him do it even once!

MellowBird85 · 14/10/2020 17:03

He’s a cheeky fucker isn’t he.

Sciurus83 · 14/10/2020 17:05

Oh these aren't your kids? Then no absolutely not! Has there been no conversation about this, surely he asked you? How old are they? He needs to sort after school childcare

RelaisBlu · 14/10/2020 17:06

Why didn't you tell him very firmly the first time that you were WORKING and unavailable to supervise them?

nickelbabe · 14/10/2020 17:09

You are WORKING.
They are HIS children.

How fucking dare he palm them off on you so that he can fuck off and do what he wants!!

No, this is fucking disrespectful - he spends time with then on his contact days and you work when you're working.
He is obviously conflating the fact you're at home to refuse to accept you're fucking working. That is not on and he needs to fuck off with that idea.

TikTakTikTak · 14/10/2020 17:09

Tell him you're going to work in (an/the?) office from Monday and watch his face drop. Grin

elephantontheroofeatingcake · 14/10/2020 17:14

He hasn't even discussed this with you? You're going to have to take a deep breathe, try not to murder him for his self centred maleness and explicitly point out that you are not a childcare solution.

Original poster
GreggsSausageRollandaBrew · 14/10/2020 17:15

I know you're all right. I'm a mug.

I just thought right okay, so long as he tells them to go upstairs and play quietly on their screens whilst I finish up as I know they'd prefer to be here than at his work.

But yeah... That isn't working out.

I'm tempted to go and work from my mum's house to literally remove the possibility 😂

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 14/10/2020 17:15

Its ok that he's working on his contact time, unless its very few and far between but if its regular its not unreasonable to do so BUT no, you are not the childcare. He needs to put them into ASC or knock off early on those days, or use a childminder or whatever. I would absolutely not do this again. Tackle it well in advance of whenever the next contact date is so HE can put something in place.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/10/2020 17:16

The only unreasonable thing is you appear to have had this happen several times and you've come on MN to talk about it before you've said anything to your husband.

VettiyaIruken · 14/10/2020 17:17

I'd do the same. What would he do if you were in an office?
He isn't respecting that you are working!

I'd tell him he either makes proper arrangements because you are working at home and not available or you will work from elsewhere and so simply not be there because this is not ok.

VettiyaIruken · 14/10/2020 17:18

Xpost.
Yes, working from your mum's would pass a message

Unless he'd simply drop his kids off there instead.

TerribleLizard · 14/10/2020 17:19

YANBU - I can’t work and look after my own kids at the same time, and expect to do a good job of either. When I freelanced from home I would just work when they napped, and in the evenings.

Also unfair on the kids as they’ve been at school all day, so being a bit loud and silly is hardly odd. If he wouldn’t take them back to work himself, and expect them to sit quietly and wait for him, then how can he expect them to do it for you?

Original poster
GreggsSausageRollandaBrew · 14/10/2020 17:21

If he wouldn’t take them back to work himself, and expect them to sit quietly and wait for him, then how can he expect them to do it for you?

I guess the idea is that they have more stuff to do here like they could play on the xbox or their separate screens upstairs in their rooms.

But that isn't happening, they are far too giddy when they get in and just wind each other up.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 14/10/2020 17:22

@GreggsSausageRollandaBrew

I know you're all right. I'm a mug.

I just thought right okay, so long as he tells them to go upstairs and play quietly on their screens whilst I finish up as I know they'd prefer to be here than at his work.

But yeah... That isn't working out.

I'm tempted to go and work from my mum's house to literally remove the possibility 😂

Don't do that, you don't have to put yourself out, he needs to understand that the answer is no because you're working and they're disturbing you