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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he'll have to make other arrangements from now on

127 replies

GreggsSausageRollandaBrew · 14/10/2020 16:46

I'm WFH in a very high stress job. I am absolutely swamped and just trying to keep on top of everything. I feel so stressed.

My husband works for himself, outside of the home.

He seems to have decided that on his days with my SC, he will pick them up from school and drop them back off at the house with me whilst he goes back to work.

I am fucking fed up of it. The last 3 times this has happened has been spent shouting at them to be quieter, constant squealing and screaming from the other room, shouting that X did Y etc... Not listening to me when I tell them to go in separate rooms and just play quietly for a while.

The straw this afternoon was them deciding after being asked 4 times to be quiet as I was on calls, to get some plastic swords out that they have and start bashing them together and shouting/squealing.

I'm fucking sick of it. I've just shut my laptop down because I can't concentrate at all. I am furious that DH thinks he just gets to swan off back to work and leave me dealing with this.

AIBU to say that's it now, from now on he'll have to make other arrangements whether that's taking them back to work with him or coming home himself so he can police it himself.

I am so behind with work and I don't need to be dealing with this all the time as well.

They just don't fucking listen and I am done with it.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 14/10/2020 22:06

Put them in the car and drive them to his office. Make sure they take their plastic swords with them and feed them smarties and coke on the way over! See how much work he gets done!

TeapotCollection · 15/10/2020 09:46

Don’t go and work at your Mums OP that doesn’t solve the problem properly. Just tell him you’re not doing it and make sure he knows you mean it

samuraimyths · 15/10/2020 09:51

YANBU! He should pay for after school club. What happens in “normal” times when you aren’t there? Alternatively can’t they just sit on screens or does that not work either? I do have to say though that it is normal for kids to act out and release energy straight after school. He should take them to the park to release energy and then put them on screens if he doesn’t want to pay for a child minder/after school club.

billy1966 · 15/10/2020 10:25

Now you know EXACTLY how much thought and respect he has for you and your career.

Yes you are a MUG.

Funny how often these guys marry and use their new partner or wife to fill the gap on their childcare needs.

I bet this isn't the first time you have been used either.

Look after YOUR career OP.

Odds on you are going to need it!
Flowers

Littleideasbigbook · 15/10/2020 10:33

I am the one with DC's (3) and a DP who works partially at home, partially at the office (as do I, we both work in the same hospital). I would never ask DP to watch them if he was working and I was at the office. It just hasn't crossed my mind. I have asked my mum (when she isn't working) to collect them when I was desperate or worked around it. They are my DC, my responsibility and I know what little shits how challenging they can be after school. He doesn't respect you and it isn't your job. Does he have them 50:50 by any chance?

SoloMummy · 15/10/2020 10:40

So this has happened on 3 occasions. Is that eow or because the other weeks he has had the children?

I don't think that it's unreasonable for you as sm to have the children at points.

I think that the lack of discussion is unreasonable.

You're not "significantly"
behind due to one day not working at full speed for 2 hours. And if ohs not able to accommodate as flexibly, why don't you simply have 30 mins less lunch hours 4 days a week or start/finish 30 minutes earlier /later over 4days. This is part of being a member of a blended family and what you took on.

I presume that oh cannot work more flexibly? Or it's too dangerous? Or he's the higher earner.

Caroncanta · 15/10/2020 11:11

This is part of being a member of a blended family and what you took on

I don't agree. I wouldn't expect my dp to look after my kids when he's at home working. My kids, my responsibility. If he wants to help out occasionally then fine. I certainly wouldn't be expecting him to rearrange his work pattern for it.

SoloMummy · 15/10/2020 11:32

@Caroncanta

This is part of being a member of a blended family and what you took on

I don't agree. I wouldn't expect my dp to look after my kids when he's at home working. My kids, my responsibility. If he wants to help out occasionally then fine. I certainly wouldn't be expecting him to rearrange his work pattern for it.

Then that's hardly a partnership is it? Yes they are your biological children and ultimate responsibility, but if you've chosen to live with him then some of this responsibility for childcare if both working is also his... Unless the "non sp parent" actually wishes for the parent to not work and they will solely financially support the entire unit?
Tiktaktoe · 15/10/2020 11:32

@SoloMummy so you PRESUME the OP can be flexible with her work and doubt she can be that behind even though that is what she has told us has happened. Yet you also PRESUME that the man in the scenario mustn't be able to be flexible witj his hours even though the OP specifically said that her husband could take the kids to his office.
So basically, the OP should just do it because her husbands work should get higher priority because he's a man. I hope to fuck you aren't raising children to think like that!

SoloMummy · 15/10/2020 12:04

[quote Tiktaktoe]@SoloMummy so you PRESUME the OP can be flexible with her work and doubt she can be that behind even though that is what she has told us has happened. Yet you also PRESUME that the man in the scenario mustn't be able to be flexible witj his hours even though the OP specifically said that her husband could take the kids to his office.
So basically, the OP should just do it because her husbands work should get higher priority because he's a man. I hope to fuck you aren't raising children to think like that![/quote]
He doesn't have an office!!!

Caroncanta · 15/10/2020 12:10

Then that's hardly a partnership is it?
Yes they are your biological children and ultimate responsibility, but if you've chosen to live with him then some of this responsibility for childcare if both working is also his... Unless the "non sp parent" actually wishes for the parent to not work and they will solely financially support the entire unit?

Actually it's a pretty good partnership. If I really needed help he would help. However not his responsibility as an ongoing thing. Responsibility for kids ultimately is mine. Really good thing about this is that there is no animosity between us because I don't expect him to drop everything to look after my kids. I sort out a solution for them. Like I did as a single parent. Win win. Seems to me it's not much of a partnership, nor is there much respect when ops do simply drops his kids off to new partner so he can work, with little care about her job. That's not a partnership.

Tiktaktoe · 15/10/2020 12:16

@SoloMummy no where does it state that the husband does not have an office. You are yet again PRESUMING.
In fact the OP states that he thinks they will be less bored at home rather than with him which would suggest that he is able to have them with him but he chooses not to.

Nootkah · 15/10/2020 12:17

YANBU to put a stop to this. YABU not to do what the rest of the world does when both parents work, which is to arrange after school care - childminder, activity club, or after school club.

Beamur · 15/10/2020 12:24

You've tried it, it doesn't work.
Your DP needs to make other arrangements. It's not your problem to fix.

FrangipaniBlue · 15/10/2020 12:24

[quote Tiktaktoe]@SoloMummy so you PRESUME the OP can be flexible with her work and doubt she can be that behind even though that is what she has told us has happened. Yet you also PRESUME that the man in the scenario mustn't be able to be flexible witj his hours even though the OP specifically said that her husband could take the kids to his office.
So basically, the OP should just do it because her husbands work should get higher priority because he's a man. I hope to fuck you aren't raising children to think like that![/quote]
Quite!!! Glad someone else said this!!

Basically "mans job out of the home is far more important than woman's job WFH".

Utter bollocks.

I WFH and DH is self employed out of the home. I'm the high earner and have the more demanding/stressful job so NO WAY would I be taking shortened or no lunches or adjusting my working hours to accommodate DH doing as he pleases - whether the DC were biologically mine or not!

FFS I despair sometimes Hmm

Caroncanta · 15/10/2020 12:31

YABU not to do what the rest of the world does when both parents work, which is to arrange after school care - childminder, activity club, or after school club.

Why is she unreasonable? She's not the parent. It's down to him do that.

Nootkah · 15/10/2020 12:45

@Caroncanta not her soecifically, but she and her partner as a couple. And thats a horrid way to think... That step children are nothing to do with the non birth parent. No wonder aome kids in these situations get cross.

thepeopleversuswork · 15/10/2020 13:18

This is part of being a member of a blended family and what you took on

This is rubbish. OP is not obliged to take on unpaid childcare obligations for someone else's children at the expense of her career just because she's in a "blended family".

Why is his job automatically deemed to be more important than yours?

Don't run off to your mum's or anywhere else. Make it really clear that you won't do it again, and hold the line.

Caroncanta · 15/10/2020 14:25

That step children are nothing to do with the non birth parent. No wonder aome kids in these situations get cross.

But I didn't say that. Great reading between the lines and making stuff up though. My dp has lots to do with my children. Through choice. Which is really nice. There is no requirement however for him to shift his work hours around to provide child care for them. No wonder relationships fail when the person with children has unreasonably high expectations of what new partner should do / provide for their children.

SoloMummy · 15/10/2020 16:06

@Caroncanta

Then that's hardly a partnership is it? Yes they are your biological children and ultimate responsibility, but if you've chosen to live with him then some of this responsibility for childcare if both working is also his... Unless the "non sp parent" actually wishes for the parent to not work and they will solely financially support the entire unit?

Actually it's a pretty good partnership. If I really needed help he would help. However not his responsibility as an ongoing thing. Responsibility for kids ultimately is mine. Really good thing about this is that there is no animosity between us because I don't expect him to drop everything to look after my kids. I sort out a solution for them. Like I did as a single parent. Win win. Seems to me it's not much of a partnership, nor is there much respect when ops do simply drops his kids off to new partner so he can work, with little care about her job. That's not a partnership.

So in effect he's really no more than a bf for you. Contributing in no way towards the what should now be a blended family. I feel sorry for you that you view all of this as solely your problem as you did as a single parent. You're not one now, yet have had to continue as one. That's not a partnership, it's providing him with sex on tap and a housekeeper in effect.
WhatWouldJKRDo · 15/10/2020 16:07

Have you spoken to him, OP?

Caroncanta · 15/10/2020 16:08

it's providing him with sex on tap and a housekeeper in effect.

Gosh no I enjoy the sex thanks, definitely a two way street, and he does his share of the cleaning too. No need to feel sorry for me. I am extremely happy with my relationship ♥️

Sloth66 · 15/10/2020 16:18

So he’s basically using you to avoid having to look after his own kids?
I feel sorry for them tbh. It’s his contact time, but he’s not interested.

Tiktaktoe · 15/10/2020 16:38

@SoloMummy you should do a reading comprehension course. You are consistently either misreading posts or just making shit up and then stating it as fact.

buckeejit · 15/10/2020 23:30

@GreggsSausageRollandaBrew how's it going? Hope You've managed to talk without it blowing up into something. The trouble with situations like this when they go on, is that the party in the wrong feels entitled to what they've been enjoying & May take some time to recognise the problem.

Hope he sorts out alternative arrangements