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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he'll have to make other arrangements from now on

127 replies

GreggsSausageRollandaBrew · 14/10/2020 16:46

I'm WFH in a very high stress job. I am absolutely swamped and just trying to keep on top of everything. I feel so stressed.

My husband works for himself, outside of the home.

He seems to have decided that on his days with my SC, he will pick them up from school and drop them back off at the house with me whilst he goes back to work.

I am fucking fed up of it. The last 3 times this has happened has been spent shouting at them to be quieter, constant squealing and screaming from the other room, shouting that X did Y etc... Not listening to me when I tell them to go in separate rooms and just play quietly for a while.

The straw this afternoon was them deciding after being asked 4 times to be quiet as I was on calls, to get some plastic swords out that they have and start bashing them together and shouting/squealing.

I'm fucking sick of it. I've just shut my laptop down because I can't concentrate at all. I am furious that DH thinks he just gets to swan off back to work and leave me dealing with this.

AIBU to say that's it now, from now on he'll have to make other arrangements whether that's taking them back to work with him or coming home himself so he can police it himself.

I am so behind with work and I don't need to be dealing with this all the time as well.

They just don't fucking listen and I am done with it.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 14/10/2020 18:24

Absolutely not unreasonable on your part. He needs to make some actual childcare arrangements.

Talk to him about it and see what he does. Keep your Mum's as a backup for in case he doesn't bother to sort something.

MeridianB · 14/10/2020 18:31

Tell him it has to stop straight away. Don’t get into hiding out somewhere else - why should you?

Presumably you have to stop working and cook for them when they come in?

What did he do before you started WFH?

Graphista · 14/10/2020 18:44

I'm tempted to go and work from my mum's house to literally remove the possibility

If that's an option definitely!

But to be honest a simple "no I'm not watching YOUR kids while I'M working" should be enough!

InspiredbyMoomins · 14/10/2020 18:46

Please dont take it out on the children. Discuss it with him!

Caroncanta · 14/10/2020 18:48

Why is it taking it out on the children? It's the dps responsibility to sort out childcare for the kids, not ops.

InspiredbyMoomins · 14/10/2020 18:52

"The last 3 times this has happened has been spent shouting at them to be quieter, constant squealing and screaming from the other room, shouting that X did Y etc..."

It's not their fault that they're bored.

FinallyHere · 14/10/2020 18:57

And really, don't weasel out by being elsewhere. This is a really important boundary. Don't let him trample all over it.

Good fences make good neighbours, even more so life partners.

Absolutely not fair on tbe children. Why vault yourself in the position to have to police their behaviour.

Your 'DP' is approaching CF territory.

bethany39 · 14/10/2020 18:57

Just tell him it's not working out and he needs to make alternative childcare arrangements for them. Although I would have something to say about the fact he didn't actually ask you if it was ok in the first place.

enjoyingscience · 14/10/2020 18:59

Is there an after school club they can go to? If so, he’s doing this to save himself a few bob a week. He needs to cough up.

MiddlesexGirl · 14/10/2020 19:03

Won't be a popular solution on here I'm sure but if there are two, could one come to you and one go with their Dad?

hesaidshesaidwhat · 14/10/2020 19:06

I must admit OP I can't understand how you have let this situation happen. The first time he did it surely you called him out on it. Whilst you are married he is responsible for their care and supervision. If he had asked you and you had agreed something it would be different. He has shown you a complete lack of respect.

Whilst I can see not being there will stop it, it isn't really a solution because you are being put out when it's actually his problem to solve.

Nottherealslimshady · 14/10/2020 19:07

Honestly, I'd just be out when he got in with the kids.

movingonup20 · 14/10/2020 19:07

Yanbu BUT is the reason he cannot get out of school care due to covid restrictions? If that's the case and he needs to work then the dsc need to learn to be quiet for a couple of hours with the electronic babysitter quite frankly. We all have needed to help out in different ways because of what's happened and if he can't get out of school care he can hardly give up working can he? Obviously he could approach his boss for flexible working to finish early and make it up on other days but not all employers will agree.

Crayolo · 14/10/2020 19:09

YANBU, surely the point of them coming over it to see their dad (no matter how much they also get along with you), so it's not fair on them or you.

Slightlybrwnbanana · 14/10/2020 19:12

If he works for himself can he not take an hour to spend time with them and then work at another time? Or work more hours on the days he doesn't see them

Original poster
GreggsSausageRollandaBrew · 14/10/2020 19:12

@InspiredbyMoomins

"The last 3 times this has happened has been spent shouting at them to be quieter, constant squealing and screaming from the other room, shouting that X did Y etc..."

It's not their fault that they're bored.

No it's not. But they are being repeatedly asked to be quieter and not listening.

I don't take it out on the children. I ask them to keep it down politely numerous times. When they don't listen, they get told off. Same as any other time they ignore us.

OP posts:
Maireas · 14/10/2020 19:12

Either your job isn't important to him or he imagines his children to be better behaved than they are. You need to disabuse him of both notions. How old are the children?

supersop60 · 14/10/2020 19:15

@CodenameVillanelle

You should have said this the first time he tried it. Why didn't you?
Don't do that.
Original poster
GreggsSausageRollandaBrew · 14/10/2020 19:16

We all have needed to help out in different ways because of what's happened and if he can't get out of school care he can hardly give up working can he? Obviously he could approach his boss for flexible working to finish early and make it up on other days but not all employers will agree

As per my OP, he is self employed.

OP posts:
PenelopePilchard · 14/10/2020 19:16

Thing is, if you act like a doormat, you can't moan if people walk all over you.

The fact that you let him even do this once amazes me. He has zero respect for you. Or his kids.

What a prize specimen Hmm

Original poster
GreggsSausageRollandaBrew · 14/10/2020 19:18

They are 7 and 9.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 14/10/2020 19:19

I've run sales teams for 20 odd years WFH. I couldn't look after my own kids never mind someone else's.

You're at work. He needs to understand it's no different than working from an office. He needs to find childcare.

CatteStreet · 14/10/2020 19:21

How old are the children? Are they of an age that it would be possble for him to take them to the park for a bit after school to let off a bit of steam and then bring them home, make them a snack and leave again with strict instructions that it's calm time now because you're working? If so, and if he agrees to do this and apologises for taking you so shockingly for granted, I might consider continuing the arrangement. But if he works for himself he should be able to work around this so he is spending some time with his own children after school on their days, quite apart from the imposition on you.

Time for a very serious and clear talk.

Beautiful3 · 14/10/2020 19:21

I would do as you suggested and go to your mums to work. Explain that you cant get your work done with them around. They are his children and it is his contact time. If he cannot see them during his contact time, then he needs to change this to days he can do.

CatteStreet · 14/10/2020 19:22

X post about the ages.