Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To say he'll have to make other arrangements from now on

127 replies

GreggsSausageRollandaBrew · 14/10/2020 16:46

I'm WFH in a very high stress job. I am absolutely swamped and just trying to keep on top of everything. I feel so stressed.

My husband works for himself, outside of the home.

He seems to have decided that on his days with my SC, he will pick them up from school and drop them back off at the house with me whilst he goes back to work.

I am fucking fed up of it. The last 3 times this has happened has been spent shouting at them to be quieter, constant squealing and screaming from the other room, shouting that X did Y etc... Not listening to me when I tell them to go in separate rooms and just play quietly for a while.

The straw this afternoon was them deciding after being asked 4 times to be quiet as I was on calls, to get some plastic swords out that they have and start bashing them together and shouting/squealing.

I'm fucking sick of it. I've just shut my laptop down because I can't concentrate at all. I am furious that DH thinks he just gets to swan off back to work and leave me dealing with this.

AIBU to say that's it now, from now on he'll have to make other arrangements whether that's taking them back to work with him or coming home himself so he can police it himself.

I am so behind with work and I don't need to be dealing with this all the time as well.

They just don't fucking listen and I am done with it.

OP posts:

SomeoneTellBorisHeHasDandruff · 14/10/2020 19:23

YANBU

There have been a fair few threads over recent months with very similar problems. It seems to boil down to one partner thinking they can absolve themselves of parenting duties by pushing the childcare onto the SP without agreeing this is possible/workable first. As well as thinking WFH somehow means you are not actually working

Get him told OP and if he doesn’t want to listen take demonstrative action and work at your Mum’s like you said. If you are not physically there then he will have to actually parent his own kids.

DeRigueurMortis · 14/10/2020 19:27

When they are not with him I assume they are with their mother.

Can he not pick them up from there after work assuming their mother is ok with that?

Obviously she might not be and that's fine (as in she may have plans or frankly just want some time to herself).

Otherwise he he needs to arrange separate childcare such as an after school club until he is able to pick them up.

You're working and not there to entertain his children.

I appreciate he may have thought they would play quietly but tbh that's a bit very optimistic at their ages - even then they'd still be interrupting for drinks/snacks etc.

You need to speak to him away from the children and make clear this can't continue and that HE is responsible for finding a solution.

Put bluntly he'd find a way to manage if he was single and unless he sorts this out that's exactly the status he'll have shortly....

Dozer · 14/10/2020 19:28

Urgh. So this aspect of his parenting is crappy. Even if he has them 50/50 and even more so if he has them much less.

TwentyViginti · 14/10/2020 19:28

@Devlesko

YANBU they have 2 parents, of which you are neither. Can you see why he's someone else's ex now?

This type of man will always find another woman to palm his kids off to on his 'contact' days.

cabingirl · 14/10/2020 19:34

Another solution is to hire a babysitter to come to your home and help to entertain them while you are working - he needs to pay for this of course.

I'd tell him that if he wants the kids to be at the house after school he can either

Come home from work and supervise them on those days while you finish work.

Hire a sitter for those hours who will be at the house whether or not you are there because on some days you will be working from another location because of the noise.

If you just say you are going to your Mum's he might suggest dropping them there so that there's extra free help to look after them.

hesaidshesaidwhat · 14/10/2020 19:34

Why should the OP give him a reason, start a discussion? This is his problem to sort out. Actually OP, I would just not be there next time and when he asks why you weren't there or asks where you are then ask him why? Let him explain, let him see. Too often women are having to sort these problems out, it isn't your problem!

Jaxhog · 14/10/2020 19:42

We all have needed to help out in different ways because of what's happened and if he can't get out of school care he can hardly give up working can he? Obviously he could approach his boss for flexible working to finish early and make it up on other days but not all employers will agree

Seriously? They're HIS kids so he needs to agree/work out suitable supervision for them. Not just drop them on the Op when SHE's working. Or is HER job less important?

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 14/10/2020 19:45

This, absolutely.

Explain you love him, you love your SC, but you are working not providing childcare during the time. You will remove yourself to work at your mothers for the next fortnight while he makes arrangements.

KihoBebiluPute · 14/10/2020 19:46

Yes go and work at your mum's. Do not be there until you have finished work for the day.

As a kindness, let your DP know in advance that this will be happening. But do not relent. You are not there to absolve him from wifework.

BlueJava · 14/10/2020 19:56

Yanbu - definitely try and work from elsewhere if you think it might happen again.

Caroncanta · 14/10/2020 19:58

What about the ops job? Or doesn't that count. She's a woman so she should be looking after dps kids right? 🙄

ilikemethewayiam · 14/10/2020 20:00

Ugh, no way! I wouldn’t look after them when I wasn’t working, let alone when I was!. They are his kids to raise not yours. Too many men expect the new wife to step into their children’s natural mothers shoes! Fck that! He’s taking the pss OP, get him told ASAP! It’s a totally unacceptable position to put you in. I would not be impressed if I was your employer and you were logging off or dropping out of meetings to deal with someone else’s badly behaved children.

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2020 20:00

@GreggsSausageRollandaBrew

I know you're all right. I'm a mug.

I just thought right okay, so long as he tells them to go upstairs and play quietly on their screens whilst I finish up as I know they'd prefer to be here than at his work.

But yeah... That isn't working out.

I'm tempted to go and work from my mum's house to literally remove the possibility 😂

You should

carly2803 · 14/10/2020 20:02

stop being a mug OP, tell him no.
stand up for yourself!

Lolaloveslemonade · 14/10/2020 20:06

I'm tempted to go and work from my mum's house to literally remove the possibility 😂

Do this OP

buckeejit · 14/10/2020 20:12

Defo tell him you can't mind them anymore. He needs to decide his solution

MadeForThis · 14/10/2020 20:13

You have given it a shot and it doesn't work. He needs to make other plans.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 14/10/2020 20:14

His kids, his contact time.

^^ This. That’s all that needs to be said!

I think you should definitely go and work at your Mum’s to remove the possibility until he is back from work. How bloody cheeky of him!

My ds is going to a childminder after school again now. Can’t he find some other childcare (unless his ex would like to have them by choice, not him dumping on her)

TheDuchessofMalfy · 14/10/2020 20:16

I’m quietly quite impressed with how well my ex’s girlfriend had managed to side step any attempts (and there must have been some, knowing his character) to make her do his wife work - either in terms of minding my kids on his time, or looking after his house (she doesn’t live there). However as she is now pregnant I wonder if he’s going to step up attempts to rope the poor woman in!

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 14/10/2020 20:22

Lie and say you are back in the office now. Then go for a nice coffee first thing (all dressed up) and come back when he's gone.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/10/2020 21:11

I'd do a mix of what is being suggested above. Talk to your DH and say that you're working from home while he is working outside the home.
You being in the house is incidental to the situation as if there wasn't Covid, you'd probably work in an office somewhere, so going forward, on the days that he has his children, they are NOT to be left and for him to disappear back to his workplace as you are unable to stop your work in order to look after them and tell them to be quiet.
He must reschedule his time so that he is there too look after the children while you work. When you finish your work for the day, you'll join them.
The alternative is that on those days that he has his children, you will be left with no option but to find a different location to work from and you will not be at home to look after the children so he will HAVE to reschedule his day accordingly.
But the key thing is to talk about it first.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/10/2020 21:34

”You being in the house is incidental to the situation”

Not entirely incidental. It means the house is “OP’s” office. So even if he would happily leave the kids there on their own were OP working in an office, since she’s at home and they can’t behave he can’t do that now.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 14/10/2020 21:40

I don't think saying she's working at home will cut it. There will always be an 'exception' or an 'emergency'. Saying you are needed for meetings out and working from mums until he arranges permanent childcare works better though there will be pressure to cancel said meetings so they will need to be for rock solid reasons.

Because he's got away with this so far pushing back will just cause resentment and fights. He may well keep going on and on because he feels hard done by. Who needs that shit?

Shizzlestix · 14/10/2020 21:42

Honestly, yes, go and work at your mum’s. I wouldn’t tell him, I just wouldn’t be there where comes home with them, but I’m a petty bitch. He’s self employed, so he can stay and be the parent trying to wfh. Give him an idea of how it is for you.

copperoliver · 14/10/2020 22:03

YANBU. X

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread