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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not consider surrogacy for SIL when I would for my sister?

391 replies

nervousnelly8 · 13/10/2020 21:32

DH's sister has longstanding fertility problems. She has been told surrogacy would be her best option. DH and I were discussing today whether I would consider acting as a surrogate in future (she hasn't asked me directly but has raised it with DH).

I came down pretty firmly on the no side. I'm currently very pregnant with DC2 and I do not enjoy pregnancy. I had bad birth injuries with DC1 and am very apprehensive about going through it again, but know it will be worth it if we get a healthy baby out at the end.

Selfishly, I just don't feel willing to but my body through a pregnancy/birth for SIL, with all the risks that it entails. We're not sure yet if we would like more children after DC2, so that plays a part too.

DH asked if I would be willing to do it for anyone else. And the honest answer was that I would do it for my own sister. I would do anything for my sister. DH understood but was visibly upset, and I now feel like a selfish cow. AIBU?

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 14/10/2020 00:01

I'm struggling to consider going through pregnancy again for my own child- let alone as a surrogate.

tillytown · 14/10/2020 00:03

MintyMabel - hate to be the one to break it to you, but growing a fetus and donating a kidney aren't the same thing.

Cadent · 14/10/2020 00:03

@JetBlackSteed

But surely you can't carry a baby of your brothers, incest springs to mind.
*Op is different, she is not related to her husbands sister or her husband

It’s not incest Hmm

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 14/10/2020 00:04

I might do it for my sister if she really had no other choices but as she has a health condition that make make it hard for her to TTC we have already had a general discussion about it and I said i dont think I could go through the whole struggle of pregnancy just to hand the baby to someone else which she said she understood.
I definitely wouldn't do it for my SIL.

I had horrific births and struggled with both pregnancies and dont even know if id want to do it again for myself tbh.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 00:06

Unless he loves your sister exactly how he loves his sister, and wouldn't know who to give his last kidney to of they both needed one, he doesn't get to judge you for loving your sister more than you're SIL.

And considering your difficult birth last time, I can't believe he asked

Pantsomime · 14/10/2020 00:06

read p1 and last one, sorry if it’s been said but what about the future? If you did grow the child you’ll
Probably have a close relationship as SIL and see child a lot. What if you don’t like SILs treatment or parenting methods? Lots of emotional minefields here - you know it’s not your child but if you felt not being treated well that’s going to rip you up

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 00:07

@JetBlackSteed

But surely you can't carry a baby of your brothers, incest springs to mind. Turkey baster, not penis. The surrogate doesn't have sex with the baby daddy.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/10/2020 00:09

I don't think its selfish at all! I think they are actually both pretty rude for asking something like that of you. Also you can't be that close to her if she couldn't even ask you herself. Either she just sees you as a decent incubator, so not important enough to actually raise it herself, or she thinks you could be persuaded your dh.

I wouldn't do it for ANYONE.

TheyreComingToGetYouBarbara · 14/10/2020 00:10

He shouldn't have asked if he didn't want the truth, but of course most people feel a stronger bond with their siblings than with in-laws and would probably put themselves through more for their sake (barring unusual circumstances, such as horrible sibling relationship). That's just normal!

Don't feel guilty. It's a lot to ask of someone, even blood relations.

JetBlackSteed · 14/10/2020 00:12

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@JetBlackSteed

But surely you can't carry a baby of your brothers, incest springs to mind. Turkey baster, not penis. The surrogate doesn't have sex with the baby daddy.[/quote]
Omg. I don't know what to say. Have you heard of dna?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 00:15

Omg. I don't know what to say. Have you heard of dna?
But incest isn't about having DNA inside you, you share DNA with your brother. Incest would be copulating with your brother. Not having an egg implanted inside you with his sperm. Surely of that was incest, it would be imvest being a surrogate for your sister too

Leaannb · 14/10/2020 00:15

@saraclara

Why would that upset anyone?

Because it's a lot easier to hear a definite "No, because it's my body and it's too much of a risk" than "Well I'd take that risk for my own sister, but not for yours"

He feels for his sister like OP does for hers. OP has said she'd do anything for her sister. DH probably feels that same emotion, but of course he can't do what she needs. So he's sad that one sister would have the option, but the other won't.

And again, he understood, rationally. But he let his emotions show.

No OPs sister would have the option. His sister would not. His sister is not OPs sister. Of course someone is going to give a kidney or be a surrogate for their loved ones over anyone else. Thats ok.
SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 00:15

*Would be incest being a surrogate for your sister

TheyreComingToGetYouBarbara · 14/10/2020 00:17

Thinking more about it, I'd be creeped out and disturbed that she had even mentioned it to him and that he then decided to bring it up to you instead of realising that it's too much to ask, especially given your medical history and the fact that you don't enjoy being pregnant.

The whole thing is weird and would make me feel uncomfortable around her for a while.

ChristmasCarcass · 14/10/2020 00:21

JetBlackSteed they’d be using the SIL’s eggs and BIL’s sperm. Neither are related to OP, so no issues with consanguinity.

If it was her brother’s wife, they could use her SIL’s eggs and DBro’s sperm. The two genetic donors aren’t related, so again, no issues with consanguinity.

You are correct that they could not use OP’s eggs and OP’s DBro’s sperm - too closely related. But fortunately nobody is suggesting doing that.

TruculentandFarty · 14/10/2020 00:24

Agree with everyone else about it being an unreasonable ask and you should feel zero obligation, EVEN if you have extremely easy pregnancies and births... because let's face it, even the easy ones are stress on your body and come with permanent changes and nine months of your life and handing over a baby that you have cared for.

All that aside... I think surrogacy between close family members has so much potential for drama and things to go badly. Imagine you have been a surrogate for SIL and you hand the baby you have carried over to her and in every way you consider her that baby's mother, you are still going to have an unbreakable connection to that baby. What if you see SIL or BIL parenting the baby in a way that makes you really uncomfortable, are you going to be able to just shrug it off? If I was to be a surrogate for SIL (I'm too old and I wouldn't consider it, but let's pretend), and I saw her losing her temper and smacking her child and shouting (my SIL is lovely so I'm pretending here) I'd have to walk away, it would really upset me. I think if a surrogate is what you decide on, I would think it would be less complicated for everyone involved if your aunt isn't also your birth mother.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/10/2020 00:24

I had to have a hard conversation with my sister a few years back on a similar thing.

I said that I could not donate my eggs as I would always know that their baby was biologically mine, however I agreed to donate eggs in a reciprocal agreement so that they got anon eggs and my were donated elsewhere. Then she was ill and carrying her own child was clearly going to be impossible, and I had become too old for safe surrogacy so I didnt have to say no to being a host surrogate, which I know I would have found too hard.

YANBU for feeling the way you do, but YABU for not telling a tactful lie to your husband and saying you wouldnt do it for anyone.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 00:24

Thank you Christmas, I get what Jet means now. I was thinking donor egg and brothers sperm put into surrogate, not brothers egg into surrogate to fertilise surrogates egg so no issue of interbreeding.
I would consider it to be interbreeding not incest which is why o didn't get what she didn't get

Cadent · 14/10/2020 00:26

@JetBlackSteed

The surrogate doesn't have sex with the baby daddy.
Omg. I don't know what to say. Have you heard of dna?

This post is a candidate for the stupidest things I ever heard thread. I hope you’re joking Jet.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 00:26

@Cadent see Chrostmas' post
I'm hoping she got what Jet meant and just a middle over language

Cadent · 14/10/2020 00:28

sleeping possibly, but she does say ‘carrying’ the baby is incest.

pallisers · 14/10/2020 00:29

I am trying to imagine a situation in which my husband thought it was appropriate to discuss with me having a pregnancy and labour for his sister while I was pregnant myself.

And then imagining him getting upset - fucking upset - because the op might consider surrogacy for her own sister but not his. sorry but that is fairly far up your own arse and shockingly unconsiderate of your pregnant wife - who is the one who should actually be upset by the entire conversation.

instead the man is upset and the woman is feeling guilty. jesus christ.

saraclara · 14/10/2020 00:30

No OPs sister would have the option. His sister would not. His sister is not OPs sister.

I know. Nothing I wrote in my post says otherwise. Read it again.

So he's sad that one sister would have the option, but the other won't.

There are two sisters. His and hers. One sister (hers) would have the option, the other sister (his) won't.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2020 00:30

@Cadent

sleeping possibly, but she does say ‘carrying’ the baby is incest.
I'm just loving in hope that Christmas is right and we're wrong cos... 😂 Yeah.
saraclara · 14/10/2020 00:31

(The above was for @Leanneb)

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