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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not consider surrogacy for SIL when I would for my sister?

391 replies

nervousnelly8 · 13/10/2020 21:32

DH's sister has longstanding fertility problems. She has been told surrogacy would be her best option. DH and I were discussing today whether I would consider acting as a surrogate in future (she hasn't asked me directly but has raised it with DH).

I came down pretty firmly on the no side. I'm currently very pregnant with DC2 and I do not enjoy pregnancy. I had bad birth injuries with DC1 and am very apprehensive about going through it again, but know it will be worth it if we get a healthy baby out at the end.

Selfishly, I just don't feel willing to but my body through a pregnancy/birth for SIL, with all the risks that it entails. We're not sure yet if we would like more children after DC2, so that plays a part too.

DH asked if I would be willing to do it for anyone else. And the honest answer was that I would do it for my own sister. I would do anything for my sister. DH understood but was visibly upset, and I now feel like a selfish cow. AIBU?

OP posts:
pallisers · 13/10/2020 23:02

I wouldn't do it for anyone - not even my sister. It is an ethical and practical minefield. What if they discover the fetus has a disability and the SIL wants you to terminate? you ok with that? What if you develop gestational diabetes that transforms into type II - you ok with that? What if you receive birth injuries that render you incontinent or finding sex painful? Everyone ok with that? Dh will be happy not to have sex again because his sis has a baby?

Apart from the horrible commodotisation of birth, I honestly think the sheer physical, mental and emotional effort of gestating an entire human being and then getting it out of your body with minimal damage to mother and child is one of the most underrated and dismissed human activities - of course it is because only women do it. You hear it on here all the time "oh for gods sake you are pregnant not sick" or "people give birth and are back working the next day all over the world" or "it isn't fair to include your mother at the labour and not his" An utter dismissal of the burden women alone shoulder to propogate the species.

My dh was amazed I had a second child. If he had gone through what I did with my first, he is certain he wouldn't have.

And another thing. Why are you worried, OP, about your dh being upset? Is HE worried YOU are upset??? thought not.

BlankProfile · 13/10/2020 23:02

I would not be a surrogate for anyone. Any of my family could have a kidney, bits of my liver or lung - whatever is needed. But after 2 pregnancies and difficult births, I would not go through that again for anyone.

duckylemon · 13/10/2020 23:04

My SIL used a surrogate. I never considered offering so YANBU. I wouldn't offer for anyone though.

Leaannb · 13/10/2020 23:04

@saraclara

Interesting that MN is usually really sympathetic to those with fertility problems, yet without knowing anything at all about the tone of the conversation between SIL and her brother, most people here seem to assume the worst of her.

Are SILs the new MILs on here?

No Silsbee are not the new MILs...OP should have never been brought up in the situation
madcatladyforever · 13/10/2020 23:05

The baby I was asked to carry for my sister would not have been mine obviously as I'm too old, it would have been genetically hers, she can make embryos but cant carry them. I did feel like shit tbh but I think with my various health problems there would have been a very big chance of my death or disablement.
But yes OPs husband can basically fuck off, it's not up to him.

Likeariverthat · 13/10/2020 23:08

Goodness me, OP, your husband is behaving in a terribly manipulative fashion, isn't he!? You must not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to be guilted into even considering the idea. It is NOT selfish of you not to want to put yourself through all of the risks of pregnancy and childbirth for someone else to have a baby. I can't believe it even came up - they know you know she is struggling to conceive, if you had wanted to you could have offered. For them to raise it is just appalling! I can only hope your husband is having some sort of temporary lack of judgement caused by his desperation to help his sister. Even then, I wouldn't be impressed and would be reading him the riot act, not feeling selfish.

C8H10N4O2 · 13/10/2020 23:10

Interesting that MN is usually really sympathetic to those with fertility problems, yet without knowing anything at all about the tone of the conversation between SIL and her brother, most people here seem to assume the worst of her

Oh gods forbid we women don't hand over our bodies as incubators for fear of not being "nice" enough.

Sugarhouse · 13/10/2020 23:11

Yanbu I wouldn’t even do it for my sister and I love my sister. I also struggle with pregnancy, sickness and feeling shit for 9 months is hard enough when your carrying your own baby. No way I could do it then give the baby away. I

Sugarhouse · 13/10/2020 23:13

Posted to soon I do think women who can are amazing though it is such a selfless thing

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 13/10/2020 23:13

Who voted YABU? Hmm

freshcoatofpaint · 13/10/2020 23:14

If your DH wants to carry a baby for his sister he is very welcome too. Failing that he can fuck off.

This!

And as for tact, ffs why are women constantly told they need to appease the feelings of others. Of course you would do things for your own sister that you wouldn't for a SIL, why on earth should you not just say that!

Ideasplease322 · 13/10/2020 23:16

@Howlooseisyourgoose

OP, you seem to be ignoring posters asking why you even said you would do it for your sister? Tactless in the extreme.

I was with you right up until the last paragraph of your OP. I wouldn’t do surrogacy for anyone, not even my sisters, but I sure as well wouldn’t tell DH I would do it for my sister but not his when she’s suffering from infertility. That was pretty tactless.

And if your DH hoped you would say yes then he needs to keep his thoughts to himself too. It’s your body after all.

I disagree. Being honest is absolutely fine. Since when is it tactless to tell your husband the truth.

It’s okay to love your sister more. And okay to talk about it.

I am sure the husband would have been this involved in his sister in laws fertility issues.

popsydoodle4444 · 13/10/2020 23:16

If I was able too (I couldn't due to a shiteshow of an obstetric history) id have done it for my SIL if she hadn't been able to carry her own babies but not everyone has the same relationship with their SIL's however in my SIL case she wouldn't have asked me/my DH in that case or any other family members;she'd have waited for people to offer similarly had I been in your position with birth injuries she'd certainly wouldn't have asked either.

It's your body;your not a bloody incubator;how selfish of them to act as though they have a choice of whose offspring you have occupy your womb as though it's a pair of jeans for others to borrow.

SpaceOP · 13/10/2020 23:16

I honestly think men, even those who have watched their partners go through pregnancy and childbirth, somehow manage to remain completely oblivious to the dangers and realities of pregnancy. DH and I got into a minor argument a few weeks ago. I can't remember the details but I made some comment about my body being a bit knackered and things not quite working like they used to and he gave me some whoo hoo new age comment about not acting or behaving like I'm "old". What annoyed me is he clearly thought I was just complaining for the sake of it and when I rather sharply pointed out that the issue (I think I was referring to my back which has never recovered from pregnancy) was not imagined or as a result of a lack of positive thinking but a real life injury as a result of being a woman who has incubated two children through two difficult pregnancies and two difficult labours.... he did back down. But he honestly seemed to have missed this, despite having been there. Despite having to practically carry me when pregnant with DC1 and I could barely walk due to SPD.

RedToothBrush · 13/10/2020 23:18

@saraclara

Interesting that MN is usually really sympathetic to those with fertility problems, yet without knowing anything at all about the tone of the conversation between SIL and her brother, most people here seem to assume the worst of her.

Are SILs the new MILs on here?

No. MN knows what surrogacy is.

Trafficking or buying babies.

It can't be done without it harming women. At best theres is always emotional blackmail at worst outright exploitation of poor and vulnerable women.

There is no such thing as ethical surrogacy, however sad the circumstances surrounding the would be parents.

Melroses · 13/10/2020 23:20

Goodness - that was awkward Confused

I wouldn't do it for myself again, never mind anyone else however related. The last time I got to see too many possibilities of what could go wrong.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 13/10/2020 23:27

Knowing nothing about anything I used to think I'd consider being a surrogate for my DB, BIL, SIL or very good gay friend. Once I had my first pregnancy I realised there's no way I could. Even now the only person I'd even remotely consider looking into it for is my brother and even then what little I know is making me think it wouldn't be a runner.

saraclara · 13/10/2020 23:39

It doesn't give them the right to use another woman's body to get what they want. Ever

It's just as well that neither of the people in this story believed they had that right, then.

WutheringTights · 13/10/2020 23:44

I had two very straightforward pregnancies, one assisted birth that I had a very easy recovery from and one textbook birth. I nearly died with baby number three. I wouldn't be a surrogate for anyone, the risks are too great and I wouldn't risk leaving my kids without a mum for anyone.

MintyMabel · 13/10/2020 23:46

If your sister needed a kidney and DH said he wouldn’t do it for her but would do it for his sister, would that upset you?

It’s one thing if you don’t want to be a surrogate, but now he knows you just don’t want to be one for her. I can see how that would be upsetting for him.

I wouldn’t want to do it either and from the sounds of your experiences, I can see why you don’t want to do it. There is absolutely no duty on you to say yes. Just seems unnecessarily harsh to tell him you would do it for your sister though.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 13/10/2020 23:46

@saraclara

If your asking someone for something you know you have no right to and should have no expectation of getting then you dont look visibly upset at being told no, not if you genuinely understand that your request/suggestion is an unreasonable burden to place on that person.

You win £250 and I say "ooh great, can I have half" and you say no, obviously, but I then visibly get upset... you'd be thinking "what's wrong with you.. you couldnt possibly have expected a yes to something you have no right to".

He got upset because he thought his sister should be given this, and that his wife should be willing to do it. He didnt give any real though to what this would actually put his wife through.

Athrawes · 13/10/2020 23:49

YANBU
Sadly she can't have children.
She needs to find a way to move on.

saraclara · 13/10/2020 23:53

He got upset because he thought his sister should be given this, and that his wife should be willing to do it. He didnt give any real though to what this would actually put his wife through.

I disagree. OP says he understood when she told him. But sometimes we can still feel sad despite understanding the other person's point of view.
Also he didn't get upset when the OP said no. He was upset when she said she would do it for her sister but not for his. Again, he understood, but his emotions leaked out.

Leaannb · 13/10/2020 23:54

@MintyMabel

If your sister needed a kidney and DH said he wouldn’t do it for her but would do it for his sister, would that upset you?

It’s one thing if you don’t want to be a surrogate, but now he knows you just don’t want to be one for her. I can see how that would be upsetting for him.

I wouldn’t want to do it either and from the sounds of your experiences, I can see why you don’t want to do it. There is absolutely no duty on you to say yes. Just seems unnecessarily harsh to tell him you would do it for your sister though.

Why would that upset anyone?
saraclara · 13/10/2020 23:59

Why would that upset anyone?

Because it's a lot easier to hear a definite "No, because it's my body and it's too much of a risk" than "Well I'd take that risk for my own sister, but not for yours"

He feels for his sister like OP does for hers. OP has said she'd do anything for her sister. DH probably feels that same emotion, but of course he can't do what she needs. So he's sad that one sister would have the option, but the other won't.

And again, he understood, rationally. But he let his emotions show.