To not consider surrogacy for SIL when I would for my sister?

[nervousnelly8]

DH's sister has longstanding fertility problems. She has been told surrogacy would be her best option. DH and I were discussing today whether I would consider acting as a surrogate in future (she hasn't asked me directly but has raised it with DH).

I came down pretty firmly on the no side. I'm currently very pregnant with DC2 and I do not enjoy pregnancy. I had bad birth injuries with DC1 and am very apprehensive about going through it again, but know it will be worth it if we get a healthy baby out at the end.

Selfishly, I just don't feel willing to but my body through a pregnancy/birth for SIL, with all the risks that it entails. We're not sure yet if we would like more children after DC2, so that plays a part too.

DH asked if I would be willing to do it for anyone else. And the honest answer was that I would do it for my own sister. I would do anything for my sister. DH understood but was visibly upset, and I now feel like a selfish cow. AIBU?

sleeping I hope so too 😂

It's such a massive thing to do for another person that you 100% get to decide, guilt free, who that person would be.

@PyongyangKipperbang

I had to have a hard conversation with my sister a few years back on a similar thing.

I said that I could not donate my eggs as I would always know that their baby was biologically mine, however I agreed to donate eggs in a reciprocal agreement so that they got anon eggs and my were donated elsewhere. Then she was ill and carrying her own child was clearly going to be impossible, and I had become too old for safe surrogacy so I didnt have to say no to being a host surrogate, which I know I would have found too hard.

YANBU for feeling the way you do, but YABU for not telling a tactful lie to your husband and saying you wouldnt do it for anyone.

Why would she lie? To save feelings? What happens if Ops sister needs a surrogacy in the future? Her husband would be the first to say "you said you wouldn't do it for anyone so you lied to me and my sister? The truth is always best even if it hurts others. Despite their hurt they still need to be told the truth

@JetBlackSteed come a explain to me and @Cadent!

I've just asked my DH if he would ever ask me to do this for my SIL. The answer was a definite no because he'd never want to put me in that position. Both my pregnancies were high risk and I nearly died during one birth. He knows I'd never risk my life and we've already both agreed no more children because of the risks. But then, I wouldn't even do it for my DSis, and she does have fertility issues.

I can understand why your DH is upset, and he has a right to his emotions. However he should not make you feel bad for the decision. There are so many risks involved with pregnancy and childbirth, and he is definitely BU if he's making you feel bad for not wanting to risk it.

Your SIL shouldn't expect it either.

I had terrible pregnancies and many years later I have unresolved birth injuries. If my dh broached the possibility of me being a surrogate for his relatives I would not be happy.

If someone offers to be a surrogate, fair enough, but it is not in anyway 'selfish' to not want to do it and I think it's worrying that women are being made to feel that it is. I have the greatest sympathy for people with fertility problems, but I can't get my head around your sil and dh expecting that your body should be automatically available to fix her problems.

After you had said no, why would your DH think it was okay to ask if you would do it for anyone else? What was he hoping to gain from that knowledge, apart from guilting you?

I can't get my head around your sil and dh expecting that your body should be automatically available to fix her problems.

You can't get your head round it, because that's not what they did.

They neither expected her to be a surrogate, nor did they think her body would be "automatically available".

They had a conversation. Probably a very sad and emotional one.

OP said herself that her own conversation with her husband was a discussion. Not that he asked her outright, or that he expected anything, and certainly not that he thought there was an automatic right to her body in this regard.

Surrogacy is clearly a very emotional subject for many people, but that seems to be preventing some from actually reading and comprehending the OP properly.

The OP stated that she felt selfish for not doing this. No woman should ever feel selfish for not being a surrogate and I find it hard not to question a conversation, or discussion that would make her feel this way.

People don't have to be asked outright to be made to feel pressured, coerced and shamed.

I understand that it is hard for dh to see his sister suffering, but again, I don't see why he would ask if the OP would do it for anyone else. Why would he ask this if not to make her feel bad?

I posted before editing there, I meant to say 'surely he would realise that it would make her feel bad.'

You're not unreasonable not to want to do it.

It wasn't unreasonable of his DSis to ask- she should have asked you but probably just wanted her brother/your DH to broach the subject without directly asking you (which would have made it more difficult to say no).

In your shoes I probably wouldn't have said that I would do it for anyone else but then if you're used to being full honest with your DH then that's tricky.

Your DH is not horrible for asking though. He probably hasn't considered all of the difficulties involved in pregnancy or the potential for serious risks to your health and instead is just seeing his Dsis in pain and in need.

So I don't think any of you are unreasonable but I would definitely make the same decision as you in the circumstance!

Your DH and SIL have no right to even broach the subject, frankly.

I am fine with altruistic surrogacy but pressuring someone about it is despicable.

Just say you are not interested in doing surrogacy, period. You don't have to give anyone explanations. And it is none of his business whether you would do it for a sister or not.

Surrogacy is disgusting.

Babies aren’t for gifting.

And I’m a bit that SIL reckons you’re close enough that you’d be a surrogate but not close enough to ask you herself.

@Leaannb But realistically, what are the chances that both sisters would need that help? So I would tell a white lie.

Thats not to say that I dont agree with PP who have said that his attitude to his pregnant wife saying no to surrogacy for his sis is wrong, because I do agree. But in terms of marital harmony, bearing in mind the likelihood of this issue coming up for both sisters, I would have said, at the very least "Well I havent really thought about it".

Am I reading some of these responses correctly? Of course it was unreasonable for SIL to ask, or even have a conversation about it!

You do not ask other human beings to put their health, physical and mental, on the line just so you can have a child. That is adherently selfish and abhorrent. Being a surrogate is a decision that the surrogate must make entirely on her own. She must think it herself, mull it over herself, decide herself and then get professional and legal help to make it safe for her. It's not something you just casually ask about like you would have at age 16 looking for a Saturday job down the town.

Plus, what I'm referring to here are surrogates who do this semi "professionally". Women who choose to be surrogates because they want to. Not for money, but it being their call. Something they just like doing whether it's once or a few times for different families. In those circumstances the child typically goes to the family and while the surrogate might keep in touch... she won't see the child again if she doesn't want to. Doesn't hear of "little baby X" in casual conversation. Doesn't have to spend her life watching them grow up, and potentially keep a huge secret.

Being a surrogate obviously has physical risks like any pregnancy, but the mental strain is something else. Nevermind a traumatic birth, imagine having to mentally adapt to being pregnant for 9 months and that baby not being yours at the end of it. Then having to potentially live a lie. Pretend you never carried them. Gave birth to them. The only way you could cope with that is if it was all your own, uninfluenced decision.

Plus, I find the fact that she talked to OPs husband about it bloody disgraceful. Oh, we'll work on the brother to start laying seeds in his wife's head. Fuck off. He isn't the one having to be poked and prodded for over 9 months for someone else. And for him to be UPSET at OP? Give me strength.

OP, do not get guilted into this. Surrogates in the UK are hard to find, I'm sure, but that doesn't mean it's on your shoulders. It's an awfully sad situation for her, granted, but it's not your issue. In surrogacy everyone always talks about the prospective parents. Never the surrogate. It's like they cease to be a human, simply an incubator. But you and your feelings matter. And, to put it bluntly, this is nothing like an organ transplant. That is often a matter of life and death. And you'd still be entirely reasonable to say no. But... having a baby isn't even close to that. Say no, protect yourself and don't ever feel guilty or bad about it.

It would spectacularly piss me off that she had discussed me being a surrogate with husband and not myself. Its not The Handmaid's Tale. I would totally do it for my sister if I could and for nobody else.

Growing another human from scratch is a huge strain on the body. I don't blame you.

@Casschops

It would spectacularly piss me off that she had discussed me being a surrogate with husband and not myself. Its not The Handmaid's Tale. I would totally do it for my sister if I could and for nobody else.

Agree with this. It's a bit creepy.

They had a conversation. Probably a very sad and emotional one.

That conversation was about the OP bearing a child for her SIL.

It wasn't about infertility and the sadness about it. It was about the possibility of the OP being a surrogate. why is it so hard to look at the facts of what happened here. This wasn't a sad and emotional conversation about the SIL's infertility.

It was a conversation about the OP being a surrogate for the SIL. Which is why the OP posted in the first place.

She didn't post "my dh talked to his sister last night about how hard it is for her being infertile? She posted about a conversation about her - pregnant her - being a possible surrogate.

Read the posts.

I wouldn't do it for anyone and I wouldn't want someone to do it for me. I don't think it's ethical, I'm all for adoption.

I would have only acted as surrogate for one person, my cousin who I am particularly close to (she's like my sister). I wouldn't have cared less if any other family member (or in-laws) found that upsetting or unfair. It is a very sensitive and personal decision. However, my cousin went down the adoption route after having a pretty horrendous time with IVF.

Of course, YANBU OP. As you are pregnant this a particularly bad time for them to be discussing a potential future pregnancy. She's probably pretty desperate and he hates to see her in pain. In my book though, it's something that should be offered not asked for (but that's just me)

He got upset because he thought his sister should be given this, and that his wife should be willing to do it. He didnt give any real though to what this would actually put his wife through.

You don’t know that and you are projecting hugely. Honestly I hope the OP is no longer reading because this thread stopped being helpful or supportive to her hours ago.

There are lots of things I'd do for my own family and no one else. The fact that she's discussed it with your husband but not you suggests she's not that comfortable with you and you're not as close as sisters.

Ask your DH if he'd do it for his sister, then ask if he'd do it for yours.

His opinion doesn't actually matter though because he cant experience childbirth and cant actually follow through with his hypothetical offer.

YANBU. He should not have asked whether you would do it for anyone else if he wasn’t willing to hear the truth. And she should not have approached your family with such a massive request.

It's your body. Your not being u. I would be a surrogate for my sister but I wouldnt for anyone else either. I'd feel like I was giving part of myself away and I wouldnt be able to do that for anyone but my sister who is part of me. However I dont think I could ever use my own eggs I havent thought about that at lenght.

[quote nervousnelly8]@Thatwentbadly this was where I was coming from. I didn't broach the death in childbirth question because I'm a few weeks away from having DC2 so it feels a bit too close to home!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who might feel this way. The thing is, if DH could carry a child for his sister, I have no doubt he would. So I understand the feeling of desperately wanting to help your sibling.

Tact has never been my strong point...![/quote]
Yes, but the question is. Would he carry one fir YOUR sister and bear in mind, it's easy to 'yes' when it's purely hypothetical and you have no experience of what you're agreeing to

Tactfully I'd have lied and said 'No' though.

Anyone asking my DH and not me would have got a swift NO anyway.