DH wants to break rule of 6

[Glamflimfloogety]

So DH, BIL and their cousin want to meet up at the weekend in cousins flat. If we all go there will be 10 of us there (6 adults, 1 newborn, a 5yo and 2 teenagers).

I've told DH I don't want to go as I don't want to break the rules, but I won't prevent him and DS from going.

DH is now giving me the silent treatment because I've scuppered the plans. Apparently it looks weird if I don't go (DH and his family are Indian I'm not, they're big on whole family doing everything together - spouses sitting it out isn't really accepted).

DH hasn't spoken to me since Sunday over this, the only time he did speak to me was to state that I'm just being difficult, the guidelines are bollocks (most of the people are kids and shouldn't count - we're in England so they definitely DO count) and I'm making his life difficult by refusing to go.

My point is that regardless of whether I personally agree with them, the rules are the rules. In fact they are now law, and I don't really fancy breaking the law to see them. I wouldn't do the same for my own family (I have already had the discussion with my mum about Christmas, and we've made a plan that means me and my brother won't be at hers on the same day this year, as it pushes us over 6). I'm not comfortable doing it, and I feel I shouldn't be pushed into it. Likewise I am not preventing DH and DS from going.

AIBU? As I'm sure as hell being made to feel I am.

So as not to drip feed, I have suggested meeting BIL, SIL & newborn separately as this would be a group of 6... I'd still have to drop out of meeting cousin, wife and kids though as they are a household of 4 and we are 3.

The thing is, the government has (probably incorrectly) decided what is a necessary risk. A business that can't operate from home needs to have staff in, some people need to get the train to work, but your husband's family doesn't "need" to gather in a tiny flat. The 6 thing is illusory, to make us think well, at least we have 6 and it's better than nothing.

YANBU
We may like rules or we may not,
but I wouldn't personally risk being caught breaking the law.

It would be just about OK if in a large house with a garden on a summer's day, but not now. YANBU.

Sad reality is that BAME people are more likely to have died from the virus than white people, for whatever reason.

Why don't you go out for dinner and have tables sat near one another but not together of that makes sense? So one table of 6 near a table of 4 and pick a nice quieter time so you can talk freely? I've seen a few people do that out and about

@Fantabulous1

They'd end up mixing anyway... Men would go out and smoke together and then the kids and women would move tables to keep eachother company. Remember the rules don't apply to them, because they're related they can't infect eachother

Silent treatment is abuse. Why are you letting him disrespect you like this when he is in the wrong?

For goodness sake! This is why the infection rates are staying high.
If I knew where this gathering was taking place I'd be tempted to report them, especially as it includes health professionals.
Let's hope neither the doctor or the nurse are currently working and seeing patients.

I just give up when I see thread like this. This is why we are where we are now.
So many people are behaving well and making great sacrifices, not seeing elderly parents, relatives at risk etc and finding it hard. And others are behaving like wankers.

Likewise, only 6 can meet but it's okay to go sit in an office of 100+ people (even if they are distanced). It's still okay to get on a packed train but not more than 6 people in your home

I do not know of anyone in an office of 100 people. I have family and friends working in the City (London) and no offices have that number. Most are working from home or have a handful of people in once a week or so.

In an office, people are not hugging and kissing and getting pissed. The loos are cleaned, the desks are cleaned, there is SD. it is totally different.

I have not seen many trains packed either- usage is down hugely.

And even if this wasn't the case, you can't use bad behaviour or whatever as an excuse to join in and make matters even worse.

Although I think it’s a stupid rule, ( it’s about the behaviours you engage in not how many of you in a space and don’t get me started about why you can’t have six kids from your child’s class for a play date despite the fact they spend all day together) You don’t feel comfortable breaking the law and that’s completely fine, Dh is being a complete dick. With so many arse wipes ready to call the police at the drop of a hat YANBU not to want to put yourself in that position.

I personally ignore the ‘rule’. I avoid having an extended social circle right now, keep play dates to just Kids within the school bubble but if I have 10 children and mums from within that bubble in our home at the same time so be it. I can’t comprehend the madness that I can engage with unlimited numbers of people so long as I only do 5 at once. I just reduce my social contacts over all and take the libertarian stance of managing my own Individual circumstances to suit my life, my health and my lifestyle.
.

YANBU and he is an arse for giving you the silent treatment

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

YANBU. If everyone stuck to the rules we would be in a better position than we are now. Too many people think the rules don't apply to them obviously.

I don't think we would be in a better position. We'd just be kicking the proverbial can down the road. I don't know where people think this virus is going to go, while we're all stuck at home.

OP, I would find it impossible to have a partner who stuck rigidly to the Covid rules (or, indeed, one who slavishly followed any rules). I know this doesn't help you, though. I'm afraid there isn't a good answer to this one. I agree with your DH about meeting people anyway. I disagree with him about you having to do everything together when it's his family (I much prefer to see my family without my partner there too). I also think he can't force you to be different from the way you are, regardless of whether he agrees with you on this particular issue.

So I'm a bit on the fence. Sorry.

@JinglingHellsBells

My office has this many. Central London based, 110 people in at any given time. We have capacity for over 300 but they've blocked out every other desk to allow distancing. Trains have been very busy still during rush hours. We've been told we're expected to be in. It's crucial that we be in the office (it's really not- 90% of us can do our job from home)

The point remains, I think it's daft when mass gatherings are permitted for some reasons but not others. But personal feelings aside I still follow the rules because I'm not a special little princess that deserves different treatment to others.

I pop in once a week to see my grandparents (both fit and healthy), but I keep a distance from them. I don't want to go visit 2 other households with a fairly high risk of transmission and risk taking that back to my grandparents.

Plus people are dicks, if you keep taking the risk odds are someone will report you.

Personally I would try to see the two groups separately i.e. cousin and family on one day and BIL on another. But I'm nervous about extended groupings from different households as I think this is what increases the risk - not number of people in those households.

If you'd said one other household involving 8 people total I would say go for it (despite it being against the rules)

@RonaLisa

Thanks I appreciate the 2 points of view. I am a stickler for the rules and that's my choice. It's his choice to ignore the rules.

I don't expect him to change his views on it, and wouldn't forbid him from exercising his free will... I would expect the same respect in return though. A simple "okay I disagree but I'm still going" would have been fine. No need for him to get stroppy about it.

Sadly it's these cultural norms that are sending the rate sky high in some areas of the country.

Rates are sky high in lots of areas that don’t have those “cultural norms” Ridiculous to suggest there is any particular culture making things worse.

YANBU. Does he realise that they all have to SD within the fiat as well? Even without the baby and your child it’s 8. Even before I think it was only two households mixing so he wouldn’t have been able to meet then

The law is in place for a reason. Much as it’s a pain w3 all have r9 do our bit

It's his choice to ignore the rules.

In most things perhaps but with Covid the level of risk your husband takes then becomes your and your children's level of risk, regardless of what you choose to do.

The point remains, I think it's daft when mass gatherings are permitted for some reasons but not others.

Reducing the numbers of mass gatherings reduces risk. The government have decided it is more important for health and well-being that larger gatherings be allowed for weddings, funerals and church services. They have decided the risk of multiplying the number of gatherings by adding conferences, theatres etc would be an unacceptable risk.

Yanbu

Obviously because it’s the rules, you should really stick to them.

Also, the teens would count as people anywhere in UK and really should count! I could see why people felt like breaking it if all the kids were babies and toddlers, even though it would still be wrong.

True story, an elderly couple near me had excess family in their garden for a tea party. Somebody complained and 3 police arrived.

Also I wouldn’t want to do anything that someone had given me silent treatment over!

last night i watched the itv news clip on Blackpool covid ward and one of the men in there was distressed as his wife was in the hospital as well and he did not know where she was .

then he said - only at the end of Sept we were all at my daughters wedding and now this ? We are both in hospital

So that shows that although people condem the rules you are much more likely to break SD rules and let your guard down with family . And if its in a tiny flat with no SD then i agree with you , its not sensible when rates are increasing .

@Fruitsaladlady
Although I think it’s a stupid rule, ( it’s about the behaviours you engage in not how many of you in a space and don’t get me started about why you can’t have six kids from your child’s class for a play date despite the fact they spend all day together) You don’t feel comfortable breaking the law and that’s completely fine, Dh is being a complete dick. With so many arse wipes ready to call the police at the drop of a hat YANBU not to want to put yourself in that position.
I personally ignore the ‘rule’. I avoid having an extended social circle right now, keep play dates to just Kids within the school bubble but if I have 10 children and mums from within that bubble in our home at the same time so be it. I can’t comprehend the madness that I can engage with unlimited numbers of people so long as I only do 5 at once. I just reduce my social contacts over all and take the libertarian stance of managing my own Individual circumstances to suit my life, my health and my lifestyle.

What makes you think you're so special that it's ok to have 10 kids and 10 parents in your home together in the current situation?
You say you can't comprehend the difference between seeing 5 other people at one time and 20 people? I'm sorry if this comes across as rude, but I think you must be a bit thick if you can't understand the higher risk it poses and the effect it would have on the exponential spread of the virus if someone did have the virus.
I'll spell it out. 5 people infecting say, 2 other people each is 10 people. 20 people infecting 2 other people is a whooping 40 people! Who all go on to infect other people. It's a huge difference when trying to contain the virus and continue to havean NHS service, and enough other staff well enough to man shops, factories, food supply chains, delivery drivers of essential supplies etc etc etc
Your behaviour is dangerous, extremely selfish and very unacceptable.

@RonaLisa

we all know its not going anywhere - its only about minimising the risk and not letting the hospitals be overwhelmed .

No family is the same
No workplace is the same

of course the rules wont work for every industry or every situation - but you can bet your bottom dollar that certain outbreaks with large clusters are due to people not following the rules . OR some workplaces where it is cold and damp ( where the virus thrives ) and inadequate safe guards are in place . Which why PHE will go in and check .

Do you think students were sticking to the rules in university ? And probably they have not been that ill - but they could put their lecturers at risk - or family when they go home .

@Crunchymum

Even in very high areas you can have a wake with up to 15 guests, 30 at the funeral itself.

It doesn't seem like you're breaking the rules.