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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to break rule of 6

135 replies

Glamflimfloogety · 13/10/2020 09:44

So DH, BIL and their cousin want to meet up at the weekend in cousins flat. If we all go there will be 10 of us there (6 adults, 1 newborn, a 5yo and 2 teenagers).

I've told DH I don't want to go as I don't want to break the rules, but I won't prevent him and DS from going.

DH is now giving me the silent treatment because I've scuppered the plans. Apparently it looks weird if I don't go (DH and his family are Indian I'm not, they're big on whole family doing everything together - spouses sitting it out isn't really accepted).

DH hasn't spoken to me since Sunday over this, the only time he did speak to me was to state that I'm just being difficult, the guidelines are bollocks (most of the people are kids and shouldn't count - we're in England so they definitely DO count) and I'm making his life difficult by refusing to go.

My point is that regardless of whether I personally agree with them, the rules are the rules. In fact they are now law, and I don't really fancy breaking the law to see them. I wouldn't do the same for my own family (I have already had the discussion with my mum about Christmas, and we've made a plan that means me and my brother won't be at hers on the same day this year, as it pushes us over 6). I'm not comfortable doing it, and I feel I shouldn't be pushed into it. Likewise I am not preventing DH and DS from going.

AIBU? As I'm sure as hell being made to feel I am.

So as not to drip feed, I have suggested meeting BIL, SIL & newborn separately as this would be a group of 6... I'd still have to drop out of meeting cousin, wife and kids though as they are a household of 4 and we are 3.

OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 13/10/2020 12:08

Suggest your idea to BIL and SIL. They might welcome the idea. The attitude of your DH and others like him really angers me. Why does he arrogantly think the rules do not apply to him and his brother and cousin? Are they of the same mind? Stuff the rest of us, they can do what they like. I suspect this kind of family gathering has been happening a lot, when it should not.
YANBU to refuse to go. In fact you should state your reasons loud and clear, not just to DH but to all the other adults involved. Your SIL and the other wife may agree with you. Whether they do or not, take a stand, and be firm on this.

Pelleas · 13/10/2020 12:08

YANBU

The problem is that people look at their individual gatherings and think it can't matter if they go two or three above the rule of six.

But if everyone is doing this, collectively it does make a difference because each of those extra people will go out and potentially infect others, widening the circle of potential infections.

ImSleepingBeauty · 13/10/2020 12:09

YANBU and I personally wouldn’t allow my child to go if it meant they were going to be exposed to more then 6 people within close proximity in a private household. Imagine if someone in that group subsequently tests positive?

They will then have that dilemma do they admit they broke the rules and declare your DH and DS as close contacts? Or do they lie because they don’t want to admit they knowingly broke the law? Thus not enabling your DH and DS to take reasonable precautions.

It’s just not worth all the stress.

As for your DH giving you the silent treatment and the rest of his behaviour. I’d find that very insulting and disrespectful.

QueSera · 13/10/2020 12:11

Your DH is BVVVU. Why does he think he should be entitled to break the rules?

Original poster
Glamflimfloogety · 13/10/2020 12:16

Thank you all for your replies, really relieved that I'm not over thinking this. In answer to some of the questions:

No chance they will wear masks, we will all be piled in on top of each other. The teens will most likely be in their bedroom and my DS5 will want to go in there with them (they're very close). There's no chance I will be able to keep him separate. Doors/windows will remain closed due to men smoking on the balcony.

Even if we meet outside there is no chance of distancing.

DH has since called me stupid and an idiot for blindly following the rules and mocked me for not wanting to go over 6. He seems to think there is less risk in 10 people from 3 households (2 members of which are in secondary school) meeting in a tiny flat, than me meeting my one friend in a empty pub on Wednesday lunchtime. He seems to think the virus magically knows if you're related and won't infect you.

Personally I'd love to flout the rules and ignore them so I can meet my mum, dad, bro SIL and nephew together... But I won't, because it's against the law. I do think the rules are pointless, and without evidence but the fact remains that they are rules. I'm not willing to break them for my family, much less for his.

He frequently sulks when he doesn't get his own way, so this is par for the course. Before anyone asks, he wasn't like this when I married him and had a child with him. This is all new behaviour in the last couple of years.

I'm more than happy to tell his family why I'm not coming, but this will cause further issues for me. He will no doubt tell me that I'm embarrassing him.

I'd rather DS doesn't go if I'm being completely honest, but consider he's acting this way over me not going, I dread to think how that would go down.

OP posts:
Silentplikebath · 13/10/2020 12:17

YANBU, tell him you are not going and it’s not up for further discussion. He can go with your DS, or on his own if he prefers, but no amount of silent treatment or sulking will work.

I’d be tempted to report the doctor and nurse because they could be super spreaders. The newborn baby could become very ill with any infection (not just Covid) as there will be so many people around. Even when a vaccine is found they won’t have found a cure for such stupidity!

Chanjer · 13/10/2020 12:17

There's no reasonable argument in favour of breaking the rules for a social situation

Plenty of reasonable arguments for observing them though

Being willing to break them yourself is one thing. having a problem with someone observing them is another thing entirely.

HIBU

caffelatte100 · 13/10/2020 12:19

YANBU and your "D" H does not sound very nice at all...

MadinMarch · 13/10/2020 12:28

FFS!
Of course you shouldn't go! Ten people in a tiny flat is very high risk.
And why would you agree to your children, or your DH going either? If they get infected they'll bring it home to you too.
I'm sick to death of so many people selfishly carrying on as normal when we're in a pandemic and the numbers are rising so steeply exponentially.
Can people really not lead a quiet life for a few months?

Ecosse · 13/10/2020 12:28

Personally I do not support lockdown and I do not support further restrictions. But I do think the rule of six is a reasonable balance.

I can understand why your DH wants to go but I do think this particular rule makes sense.

ComicePear · 13/10/2020 12:30

I wouldn't do this personally. And your DH sulking about your sensible decision is deeply immature and unattractive.

KatherineJaneway · 13/10/2020 12:30

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

YANBU. If everyone stuck to the rules we would be in a better position than we are now. Too many people think the rules don't apply to them obviously.
Agree.

I wouldn't go.

MJMG2015 · 13/10/2020 12:31

This is exactly why there's a higher transmission in certain areas. Families/cultures that continue to meet in houses in large, mixed, family groups.

Doctor
Nurse
Teens

What could possibly go wrong? 😱

diddl · 13/10/2020 12:32

He's nasty, isn't he?

His culture/traditions are not more important than yours.

As long as you aren't constantly trampling on them, he needs to accept that you do things differently & that give & take exists.

MJMG2015 · 13/10/2020 12:33

DH would be told to a) go alone & b) fuck off out of my life. If he wants to prioritise meeting them over our safety, fine, crack on, but go and live with them.

Crunchymum · 13/10/2020 12:33

I'm going to break the rules next week, to have a few drinks with my nearest and dearest, after my mum's funeral. There'll be 10 of us and we'll be outside.

Echobelly · 13/10/2020 12:34

Totally reasonable not to go.

Crunchymum · 13/10/2020 12:34

FWIW, I think a funeral is a valid reason to break the rules (for an hour or so). A random visit, not so much!

MJMG2015 · 13/10/2020 12:35

@Crunchymum

I'm going to break the rules next week, to have a few drinks with my nearest and dearest, after my mum's funeral. There'll be 10 of us and we'll be outside.
@Crunchymum

Sorry to hear about your Mum xx

I don't know where you are, but 10 after a funeral and outside is hugely different to 10 for no particular reason inside a tiny flat!

I'm sorry you can't have the funeral you'd have had in 'normal' times x

QueSera · 13/10/2020 12:36

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this OP - your H sounds mean and nasty. Calling you names is bad enough, but doing so because you want to protect your and his families' health, is worse.

WeAllHaveWings · 13/10/2020 12:37

I do think the rules are pointless, and without evidence but the fact remains that they are rules.

I don't agree the rules are pointless, but if that is your stance then I can completely see why he is frustrated Hmm

Crunchymum · 13/10/2020 12:38

@MJMG2015

Thanks and yep that was my (badly made) point.

Some things are more of a reason to break the rules than others.

hammeringinmyhead · 13/10/2020 12:41

@MJMG2015

This is exactly why there's a higher transmission in certain areas. Families/cultures that continue to meet in houses in large, mixed, family groups.

Doctor
Nurse
Teens

What could possibly go wrong? 😱

Yes, it is. The cultural pressure not to let down the family matriarch/do what the man of the house says/DiLs looking after the elderly in-laws and parents is contributing to large family gatherings happening, and now I can't go and stay with my parents in Kirklees or attend my cousin's wedding in Bradford next week. Talk about your DH contributing to the stereotype.

Insert disclaimer about how obviously this is not just Indian families, but I know several Indian men who are terrified of their parents!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 13/10/2020 12:42

The rules are a bit arbitrary and if it was a family emergency I might break them. But "his family don't understand" isn't a reason to break the rules, culture or not. They need to understand. And they would understand a lot more easily if your husband supported you.

Original poster
Glamflimfloogety · 13/10/2020 12:42

@Crunchymum

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers. A funeral is very different to a social gathering though.

@WeAllHaveWings
I think they're pointless in that they don't go far enough. Allowing 6 people from multiple households to meet up, but 8 from 2 households just doesn't make sense to me. Likewise, only 6 can meet but it's okay to go sit in an office of 100+ people (even if they are distanced). It's still okay to get on a packed train but not more than 6 people in your home. I don't think households should be allowed to mix at all. Yes it's depressing, but as my DH proves - give people an inch and they take a mile.

OP posts: