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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to houseshare with women beyond my 20s

144 replies

GoldfishParade · 11/10/2020 10:09

Just wanted to see if anyone else feels this way.

I houseshared all through my 20s like most people. Some of them gave me the rage and I craved my own space, others were great, like when it was 6 of us in a massive house in London. Don't get me wrong, housemates can always piss you off, that's the nature of people. But it was great coming back to this big house and garden, with 5 other women who came to be my friends. It just felt really warm and supportive.

I know its maybe unusual because the aspiration is to want to live alone, and I was so happy when I finally got my own place at 29. But now after lockdown etc, I cant help but think I quite fancy going back into a houseshare, albeit with a more mature feel.

AIBU to think that a houseshare of women in their 30s, 40s, 50s 60s and beyond could actually be a very warm, fun and supportive way to live?

I dont have kids but I'd be willing to live with women who did too, and then they would even have help to look after their children etc. Or there could be houseshares specifically for single parents, it could end up feeling like a community.

Thoughts? Is living alone maybe a bit overrated?

OP posts:
froggygoneacourting · 11/10/2020 13:57

I've never lived in a houseshare, I had my own studio flat from age 16, and as I move through my 30s I realise what I missed out on.

I'd absolutely love to try out an all-female houseshare aimed at older women.

My bathtub fantasy is buying an island and setting it up as an all-female artist commune.

Maireas · 11/10/2020 13:59

Oooh, froggy! That sounds like a fabulous idea!

ChronicallyCurious · 11/10/2020 13:59

That would honestly be my worst nightmare, I couldn’t think of anything worse. Housesharing during university was enough for a life time for me.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2020 14:01

" I know no one over 30 in a house share at all."

The law changed about 10 years ago so that anyone under 35 had to share to get housing benefit. If that's still the case, there will be people over 30 housesharing, even if only temporarily.

Butterer · 11/10/2020 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2020 14:03

"I don't even like people visiting my home let alone sharing. Ugh."

I had friends over last time (allowed where I live). I'd looked forward to it so much, but then when they were here I kept thinking 'don't leave crumbs', 'don't move that' 'don't go onto the balcony and come back in with dirty shoes'. We get used to our space and our own routine and stuck in our ways. Much as I'd like to, I don't think I could adapt to sharing now.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2020 14:06

@SBTLove

Personally I would not be forking out most of my salary on rent just to live in a city, living further out isn’t the end of the world and frees up your £££
This makes sense if you have a family. If you're single, it's better to live close to amenities, to be able to go out at night, etc.
ittooshallpass · 11/10/2020 14:07

Hmmm... I think you're fondly looking back with rose tinted glasses! After 15 years of room mates and house shares, I was more than happy to have my own place. There is no way I'd ever do it again.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2020 14:10

"being kept up all hours on work nights by people chatting/random parties/impromptu music sessions; "

Middle aged people do that a bit less though.

SusannaSpider · 11/10/2020 14:12

I can see the attraction. Think I'd like to set up a sort of complex, where everyone has their own studio type place, but there's communal space like a big cosy kitchen and lounge. Although I've just realised that sounds like a retirement village 😆

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2020 14:14

Sounds good Susanna.

Having said that, an old-fashioned community where everyone knows each other and goes to the same local pub is sort of similar.

Butterer · 11/10/2020 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 11/10/2020 14:24

Up north people tend to go from massive house share at uni, to share with one or two close friends, then with partner or alone.
If you don't go the uni route, I think people stay at home much longer until they move out with a partner and don't tend to flat share with a friend, which I do feel is missing out a bit on what can be a unique and special (and fun!) time.

froggygoneacourting · 11/10/2020 15:05

Oooh, froggy! That sounds like a fabulous idea!

Thank you! I envisage it as being a bit like a cross between Eel Pie Island, and Christiania in Copenhagen. But with better weather and maybe slightly less pot?

20mum · 11/10/2020 15:56

@Butterer is certainly not alone. A lot of middle aged and older people are hidden homeless, sofa surfing, going into unsafe shares in hopeless desperation, then choosing between reporting to the police when that desperation is exploited and still living under the same roof as the person they complained of, or putting up with it for fear of being out in a shop doorway.

(A little bonus of being hidden homeless is that nobody counts you as existing, because only street homeless junkies neatly fit the tick box. Another little bonus is official non existence in other ways, such as registering with a g.p., and therefore any access to N.H.S, among other things requiring proof of address. Unlawfully subletting landlords, or sofa surfing arrangements, don't provide official paperwork proving address)

There's an increased rate of breakups among middle aged and elderly people, on top of the usual groups of single, divorced, widowed, deserted, never married. Increasing lifespan is thought to be a part of the cause, when people think, around pre retirement, that with children gone, they are stuck with the bad habits of the partner for up to another half century! The trouble is, the children boomerang back with useless degrees, and half the equity in the family house (remortgaged or not) won't buy two nice flats, each with two or three bedrooms to put them in.

Can a middle aged person get a mortgage? First time buyer? No. Help to buy? No. What about 25 year mortgage, on a single income, for a person near or beyond retirement age? Guess. Right. Then it's private rental from there to the grave.

(Being liable to getting two month's notice, for no fault eviction, is an unsatisfactory way to live and die. But lifelong security of tenure is reserved for the aristocrats of the letting world, council tenants, who pay either nothing or half down t a tenth of the value of their rental, and can never be got rid of, when making an entire district live in hell by their antisocial behaviour)

But at least, with a rental, there's Housing Benefit to make it affordable, especially if one or both partners has very little private pension ? No. Private savings mean No Housing Benefit.

(N.B. Please challenge the perfidious statement by the Age Hatred Foundation, known as Resolution, that U.K. pensioners are rich because the average is rich. Only in the sense bus passengers are all multi billionaires, On Average, if Bill Gates step onto the same bus. U.K. pensions are the world's worst, U.K civil servants are rich, but pensioners in general may be struggling to eat or heat)

Life savings, the dregs of the equity from the house sale and whatever other assets they have will mean both parties count as being too rich to have Housing Benefit, or even the state pension brought up to the official minimum for survival. Nor can they apply for council accommodation, because savings debar them. Nor, in many cases, can they get a private rental, since landlords are fixated on double earning young couples, not retired singles.

So yes, there's a large and growing middle aged and older population, ordinary, law abiding, decent neighbours, but needing a roof over their heads. Shelter and the multiplicity of charities and representatives simply ignore their existence. There are reprehensible 'special' places for old people to be ghettoised.
( Red hair is glorious, but it would be freaky to put 'The Gingers' together in special Gingers housing where they could " mix with their own kind," away from the rest of society. Why is everyone over a certain age assumed to need segregation?)

If apartheid was bad in South Africa, and white-only buses were bad in Southern U.S.A, why is old-only segregation perfectly acceptable in the Southern Counties?

I would plead with anyone not to let it go unchallenged when the next empty-skull gibbers about "the housing needs of Y.O.U.N.G. people". Do their parents and grandparents go and sleep in fields? * Why are only one age group in need of shelter from the elements?

*Yes, in fields, in tents on beaches, in cars, and, in the infamous example which reached public attention, a couple in their 90's, he a wheelchair user, were living in a Bournemouth bus shelter as punishment for having sufficient life savings to replace his wheelchair and pay a deposit and rent in advance for a private rental and still have enough for decent funerals.

Sorry for rant, but @Butterer is absolutely right, the experience absolutely typical, and not one person ever mentions it. It's like child abuse half a century ago, that people either choose to ignore or cannot believe. (By the way, to those assuming in astonishment that domestic abuse by women or men is only possible if they are in special accommodation for criminals or junkies, I wish I could find the link to a radio 4 interview with a sofa surfing hidden homeless vicar's wife. One moment she was in a large vicarage, the next, the church wanted to sell it, so they were all on the street. The husband was given a new job with a single lodging, a hundred miles away, but the wife and children couldn't be housed by church or council, didn't count in the old or the new district, and in any case the youngest had at last got a place in a special needs school, so they couldn't move. Of course no private landlord would let them a place. They couldn't afford rent, and couldn't qualify for Housing Benefit. They scattered among the old parishioners, but it was precarious.)

MactheRover · 11/10/2020 16:53

I lived with groups of women into my mid thirties, when I got together with my (lovely) DH. That was thirty years ago and I still miss the warmth and support of women only households. Look out for co-housing websites, there may be something there.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 11/10/2020 16:58

I know two women in their early seventies who have been friends for years, and after divorce and the kids flying the nest they decided to pool their resources, buy a home and live together as housemates. They've been living together for 10-15 years now so it must be working!

If you've no other friends, you could consider a lodger if you moved somewhere with a spare room - which would also act as an additional income stream

Maireas · 11/10/2020 17:05

I think it could be a way forward for elderly people. You hear so much about loneliness. It's someone to look out for you as well. Both my elderly aunts lived on their own, both found collapsed on the sitting room floor.

20mum · 11/10/2020 17:17

Funnily enough, there is evidence that ghettoising older people is damaging, yet nothing on earth will stop the assumption that once they become....what?....non human?.....by reaching a certain birthday, they must be identified exclusively as numbers, not people. Those with mixed generation social contacts remain younger in body and mind. It isn't one way, either. Mixed generations experimental groups all discovered benefits, after overcoming the (uniquely British?) Age Hating notion that there are people, and on the other hand there are.....Things, to be put away in kennels called care homes.

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