To want to houseshare with women beyond my 20s

[GoldfishParade]

Just wanted to see if anyone else feels this way.

I houseshared all through my 20s like most people. Some of them gave me the rage and I craved my own space, others were great, like when it was 6 of us in a massive house in London. Don't get me wrong, housemates can always piss you off, that's the nature of people. But it was great coming back to this big house and garden, with 5 other women who came to be my friends. It just felt really warm and supportive.

I know its maybe unusual because the aspiration is to want to live alone, and I was so happy when I finally got my own place at 29. But now after lockdown etc, I cant help but think I quite fancy going back into a houseshare, albeit with a more mature feel.

AIBU to think that a houseshare of women in their 30s, 40s, 50s 60s and beyond could actually be a very warm, fun and supportive way to live?

I dont have kids but I'd be willing to live with women who did too, and then they would even have help to look after their children etc. Or there could be houseshares specifically for single parents, it could end up feeling like a community.

Thoughts? Is living alone maybe a bit overrated?

I can't do it, but that's because I've spent so long in my own space. I did it briefly in my early 30s and while not a disaster, I couldn't wait to get out of there.
However, if you've always lived with other people and haven't got used to having your own space, control of your kitchen, constant access to the bathroom, etc. then I think it could be great.
My houseshare in my early 30s was young women who were kind and friendly. There were no squabbles about the washing up or anything like that and fortunately we had quite similar feelings about heating BUT they sometimes had friends or family over and I either had to eat in my room or I just felt unwelcome/uncomfortable. Some of the friends were really just not very nice. One of them had ons so there were strange men around at night. I knew it was only a matter of time until one of them mistook my room for hers and it did happen once. Not the end of the world, but can be a bit scary. This can be fixed by having locks on bedroom doors I suppose.

I suppose it could work with good friends, but someone can be a great friend to see once or twice a week, but a terrible person to live with. You could test it out with a holiday first I suppose.

"'ve stayed in a similar women only environment in the past, and there was tension and interpersonal physical violence among women. It's not an automatic utopia."

Physical violence? Were you in a shelter for people with problems or a women's prison or something? I've never heard of anything so bad!

Hated housesharing as a student and the all female flat was much worse than the mixed one I lived in. I'm afraid it would not be for me.

"As my friend once said - "I always live in places that are up and coming but they never seem to arrive.""

Yep! People have told me that where I live now is up and coming. It made me laugh so hard. The thing is, if it does 'arrive', I won't be able to afford it any more anyway!

I know some single mums that live together with some older single women. Sounds pretty awesome with the right 'match'.

@babygroups

I houseshared all through my 20s like most people

I don't know anyone who did this either. I'm not in London though so it's not really the done thing here.

I house shared throughout my entire twenties and my entire thirties!

Couldn’t afford to do anything else, in London.

But agree with PP that mixed sharing is much better than all-female.

I couldn’t think of anything worse

Ditto. I don't even like people visiting my home let alone sharing. Ugh.

mixed sharing is better than all female!!
Men are not necessarily better to live with than women!!!

" It’s very interesting how some people get their energy from being alone, and some through being with others."

It's SO complex and I don't think Myerss Briggs is very scientific. I'm an introvert in the sense that I get my energy from being alone BUT I'm so lonely!

Butterer - I'm staggered that kind of place would have physical violence.
Tensions I can quite believe though.

Have any of you done the Myers-Briggs personality questionnaire? It’s very interesting how some people get their energy from being alone, and some through being with others.

I had to take that repeatedly, especially during high school and uni (very popular in Uni, practically every career development thing included it), and the only one that came up consistently was Introvert.

However, I prefer living with multiple other adults. Living with others who want me around eases my anxiety even when we schedule to have plenty of time on our own for other parts of our sanity. I spent enough of my teens essentially living alone (seeing a parent fortnightly for months at a time) and have helped care for others who ended up alone in their twilight years, nothing sounds less appealing to me than living alone -- but I also wouldn't want to deal with the drama of other people's kids either and am really picky (And been very lucky) with lodgers & house sharing with other adults.

My kids are lovely, but get into enough friend drama that needs to stay on the other side of the door.

Others have made good points, particularly @Butterer, with experience of sharing women being violent, and house sharers tacitly colluding in coercion, financial abuse, habitual rapists amongst their number. This is why I wanted the clamorous move towards enforcing domestic abuse to make perfectly clear the word 'domestic' means the place you live, and cannot escape, and need to be secure from others who have access to you inescapably, by having entry to your home.

Nevertheless, I do think the huge number of useless office and other buildings should be converted for single people of all ages. All ages is important. My ideal would be similar to the beautifully designed backpackers hostels in the centre of Munich, but to include long stay provision. Of course, extra things are needed for a permanent or semi-permanent home, or even for somewhere congenial to be locked-down.

A large space permits a concierge and c.c.t.v, to assist security including from other residents. There will be people who are anti-social, and there needs to be an extremely firm, readily enforced way to eject them, and/or their guests. (Possibly with an equivalent to a 'naughty step' by having entirely separate accommodation for casual short term visitors, where a 'problem' permanent resident could be escorted to a spare room at any time, pending an investigation next day) That might be necessary, firstly to permit time to re-house themselves, and secondly to a) prevent ganging up, bullying, making unfair complaints against someone for reasons of personal grudge, and b) to make provision for the fact sometimes a normally ideal neighbour might behave out of character, for a valid reason such as a personal disaster or an unforeseen side effect of a medicine, or the onset of an illness.

A large surplus building offers scope for conversion to include indoor farms and housing for every wish list. There are huge numbers of building no longer needed, such as old fashioned theatres and cinemas, offices or redundant hotels or the houses of parliament (they can and should WFH). A lot of people would probably like some combination of personal and shared space. Private bathrooms and kitchens and at least some private outdoor space such as a personal balcony, would avoid a great many areas of potential conflict. The option of using a shared dining hall or garden or laundrette, or other facilities, would be more attractive if the charges included reliable cleaning, and a residents' management committee.

@GoldfishParade do you have a spare room in your house? You could have a lodger.

This is similar to my culture, pre covid Now I'm trapped in bricks n mortar too.
It's lovely to have (in my case) multi generations of women living together sharing all the domestic responsibilities and child rearing.
We all have our own doors to close though, and of course you knock on the van door, you don't just invade someone's home.
We are mostly the same family, but other families mix too, so you could be with a relative or a friend.
We sleep and live with our partners, but they have their role and we have ours.

@SimplyPizza

I couldn’t think of anything worse

Me neither and I've never houseshared, I loathe all female company, a good mixture is far more fun.

you can get lodgers and found housemates at any age, why do you even think it's limited to 20 years old?

I can't think of anything worst, but it's easy to find.

"If you live in the arse end of nowhere or somewhere with dirt cheap housing, of course you would just buy your own place asap, it’s a much more achievable goal for you than it is for a Londoner"

There are very few flats in the countryside though and in some places not many rentals compared to places to buy so it does happen that young people in the countryside share houses in their early 20s.

I hated it, hated all the interference and obligation to do things together at uni and moved into my own place at around 22 and never looked back. I did have a lovely houseshare with my sister and another friend over one summer in our home town though which I really enjoyed but we already knew each other well and had lived together previously so was a bit different. It wouldn’t work now we are older and have dhs and dc but weirdly enough now I’m older I don’t think I’d like to live completely alone. it is a really nice idea for those who would like it too.

Why do you loathe all female company, keeprocking?

There are older women housing co-operatives now, which is where I aim to live when the time comes.

@Maireas

mixed sharing is better than all female!! Men are not necessarily better to live with than women!!!

Not necessarily, of course not. But given the choice I would always choose a mixed house. I’ve had twenty years of experience to inform this opinion!

I lived in shared houses from when I left home at 18 until DH and I bought our flat when I was 32. I agree that there are some brilliant aspects to sharing, and have some really lovely memories of hanging out playing board games, having shared meals etc with a particular group who became good friends.
However I’d never want to go back to sharing, as the same issues seemed to crop up in every place I shared, even if I got along well with the others: people being lazy about housework/dishes or simply having different standards of cleanliness; people inviting friends and family over meaning others couldn’t use the shared spaces; having to wait to use the bathroom; being kept up all hours on work nights by people chatting/random parties/impromptu music sessions; people smoking in the house.