AIBU to think being a single working parent is financially not possible

[36pregnant]

How do single parents actually manage to survive? I’ve tired in vain to find ways to work part time (thanks Covid) and have a newborn. It seems that it’s not possible and really benefits are the only way.

It sounds like the career path you've chosen isnt a goer. With 2 degrees, it's so hard to get into you can only get 20 hours a week of work, and thats only paying 13k? Are the longer term prospects in this line of work better? If not I'd choose something else, with two degrees you should have plenty of options.

If you don't even know the father I dont think I would be even hesitating over the abortion (apologies for any offence - I dont say that lightly, I had one myself).

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland perhaps I’m the issue?

Never say that. I struggled in my first job area, doubted myself for years. Moved sideways then managed to get a much better paid job that plays to my strengths and interests much better. I'm sure there's something right out there for you.

It is possible. I do have a decent job ( 30k full time) but actually think around the 20/25 hours is a bit of a sweet spot as get a top up from universal credit to help with childcare costs, but still have time to spend with my 2 year old.
Universal credit does seem to favour those in work.

Thanks all that have replied. I wish I could give a thumbs up to posts

I had to put DD into nursery at 3 months old so could go back to work. She was there from 7.30am to 6.30pm every day and it was very very stressful.

@IndieTara what was stressful?

@36pregnant it’s unimaginably stressful being a single parent but also incredibly fulfilling and worthwhile too. I had a good career and was financially very well off pre dds and now that’s in the toilet. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. But that’s me - everyone must make their own path.

I wasn’t particularly maternal and didn’t really like kids pre dd. But she’s my whole world. But not everyone is the same. Your choice but advantages and disadvantages either way.

@36pregnant it was stressful because of the commute. I was constantly trying to juggle buses and train times to get to work on time. Trains home were delayed or cancelled frequently so I was always worried about being late to collect DD from nursery and the extra cost that would involve.
My parents lived abroad and sisters an hour away so no family support to fall back on either.

Plus when I first went back to work I was breastfeeding

I earn around the same as you part time with two children as a single parent. I get some child maintenance, child benefit and around £1000 in universal credits. I do rent though so I get the housing element that you might not get if you own. My childcare is paid 85% through UC and I manage ok tbh. Gingerbread is a great charity for single parents who might be able to advise you. I find it easier being a single parent than living with an idiot of a partner. It has its moments, but we always get by ok

Do you want the baby? Taking finances out of the picture, you are alone with little support. But you are pregnant - it's a done deed. If you have the baby, you can get state support. Please don't think it's a hopeless situation - if you really want the baby, that is.

I'm a single parent to 3 year old DD. I do 25 hours a week and get benefits top ups. I'm studying in the evenings to retrain in a career with better earning potential and sill start looking for a full time job in the new year.

It's not easy and costs a fortune in childcare but in the long run it will be better that I haven't had any gaps in my CV.

I was self employed when DD was born so didn't ever fully stop working.

Op - childcare costs - look at local nurseries as they should have full and half day costs on their website. Some childminders have a website that will show costs, at least give you an idea of your local costs.

Entitled to website to find out what help/benefits you are entitled to, is the baby's father working?

Your mortgage provider might let you go to interest only for a couple of years, its not great, but if it will give you the breathing room until your dc is at school and childcare costs fall and/or you get a better paid job.

You might need to explore other career paths.

I'm slowly coming to the same realisation

I have a 2 and 4 year old, no support whatsoever not even a single friend. I don't have much in the way of education either, so when I go back to work it will be minimum wage jobs.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do when dc are ill or have half term, Christmas and summer holidays. My salary will never cover a childminder or babysitter. I'm on UC now, but once dc2 turns 3 I'll be hit by the minimum income floor and have to return to work or will have my money stopped.

I spent the last 2 years retraining and building up a business that I could run around the dc. Corona has put an end to that, so now I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Well it was either have a home & eat or have nothing & nowhere.
I worked full time from when my twins were 5 months old. Also moved & extended & renovated a house.
It was exhausting but how else was I going to keep us?

Op, the issue isn't you. Having a child is entirely normal and should be a joy, it's no shame

I worked full time as a single mum for 9 years. The things that made it work for me were;

• Childcare, work and home all within a short distance of each other. Commuting is expensive dead time.
• Childminders are more forgiving than nurseries. I got stuck in London after a terror attack and my CM kept my ds overnight.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help. Neighbours can be very kind.
• Pair up with other single mums to share Pickups/drop offs/school holidays
• Always be willing to help someone else when you can.
• you'll become a first class project manager with ace planning skills.

Having said all of that, choosing not to have the baby is also a perfectly reasonable decision. x

Except in situations where the father has died or it's a planned speed donor pregnancy then there's child support. Even if a pregnancy isn't planned, he is 50% to blame after all. Benefits should be a top up if after working and child support you still need help not a first port of call. Several of my friends have raised kids on their own without parental assistance with childcare, one had no help from the child's father either because cms couldn't trace him, they claimed some benefits but a top up eg the old child tax credits that helped with childcare costs.

I’ve been a single mum since my youngest was two. I have been very reliant on tax credits to top up as my wage is low and I can’t really see that that will change before they are grown up. I’ve been increasing my hours as they’ve grown and done lots of extra training so that I’m improving my employability for when I can work full time and perhaps travel further etc.

Using top up benefits is necessary for many single parents on lower wages as even full time min wage doesn’t cover basic living costs. You need two earning adults for a reasonable household income these days. I’ve always just seen the top up as that second income. I know I need to be earning enough to support myself on a single wage once tax credit support stops though so I am looking at how to do so.

I managed, split from dc dad at 6 months due to DA ( he wasn't allowed to see dc unsupervised for several years and later died, no maintenance) no grandparents. I retrained -1 year post grad, got funded-- as job I was previously doing not comptable with childcare. Dc full time nursery, got some tax benefits for childcare when dc was preschool. Mortgage term extended. It was well worth it, have had a couple of promotions since then and very comfortable now, overpaying the mortgage and continuing contributing to my pension. I won't lie for a period it was difficult and for 3 years all I did was work and look after dc

I’m not a single parent but my sister is and I grew up in poverty with a basically single mother who didn’t work.

Regardless of working and relationship status having a baby is really hard work, even with an ‘easy’ baby.

A more tricky baby and it can ruin you - lack of sleep, lack of money, constant illness etc.

Both of my children were ill constantly for 6 months during their first year. If I’d been working at that time AND single I’d have been sacked.

In your position I would only have the baby if I had family support. My best friend’s ex fucked off when she was pregnant and went abroad. Zero support. She almost lives with her mum because her son barely sleeps and she needs help.

If you have a terrible pregnancy you could find yourself in a position where you are forced to start mat leave early.

Don’t abort if you don’t WANT to but be realistic about EVERYTHING.

The final thing I’d say is I have two autistic children. I adore them both and would have them both again without hesitation. But appointments, extra time for everything, understanding childcare solutions, good schools etc. takes its toll emotionally and physically and if you have to deal with all that alone it’s hard.

Having children is both predictable AND unpredictable. You need to be VERY realistic.

And you should feel ZERO shame and you should also take any and all benefits you are entitled to.

I have always worked full time, I am a single parent to two children, I have no family support.
I use breakfast club & after school club.
It is doable, not easy but doable.

Think about benefits - what would that mean in practice? Plenty of people use them, and if you’re surviving on £13k then you must be used to budgeting and managing on a small income.

Is there absolutely no family support? What about the father?

No judgement here if you choose to abort either - babies are a big life-changer and you need to be sure you want them. What do you want to do? If you want to keep the baby but can’t see how it would work out financially, look at what you’d be entitled to. Would you get maternity leave/SMP from your employer?