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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking for thanks

541 replies

Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 18:41

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

OP posts:
BoyTree · 10/10/2020 21:35

YNBU OP- she could have simply checked that the gift had arrived to prompt you into a thank you if she really needed to hear the words from someone, there was no need to pile on the guilt. Why would she want to add to your troubles rather than alleviate them? If you love someone, you get gifts to make them happy, not to force them into a transactional obligation.

I always say thank you for gifts we get- sometimes the kids want to make cards, which takes a while to organise, so they don't always go out within a week. I try to do it within a couple of weeks and I'm incredibly grateful that people think of us but I would honestly rather forgo the presents and not have the obligation most of the time.

WutheringTights · 10/10/2020 21:35

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

YANBU... clearly with both husband and daughter ill and so much to worry about your MIL could have cut you a bit of slack... and also not rung up her son to complain that YOU hadn't acknowledged a voucher. She could have phoned to ask how you all were and let it go this one time since you usually say thank you. So no I don't think you were rude, just stressed. One of our relatives doesn't "do" texts or emails, and only accepts a posted thank you card which has to be posted the day after receipt. She once complained, by phone and in writing! about our lack of manners because we'd only rang to thank on the day and then followed up with a large joint card we all signed. She wanted an individual card from each DC, sent the next day! A joint Christmas card and birthday card is also unacceptable. Must have it individually from all of us. I've bought them all in advance now so that I don't have to think about it because the attitude makes me so mad.
I would not be pandering to that. Jeez, what a narcissist. Way to make gift giving all about the giver. There's a saying in our house: you get what you get and you don't get upset. I'd be using it, and liberally!
GrandAltogether · 10/10/2020 21:38

@BeaverTail

I think I'd have to write off anyone who calls the OP rude, rather than her DH, as a mysogonist.
Yup. And I can’t imagine phoning my ill son and his family whose current issues I presumably know about to complain after six days.
houmousexpert · 10/10/2020 21:39

Wow, the vitriol spewed on here over something so trivial. If it were me, I'd be pissed off at my MIL for not cutting me a bit of slack during what is clearly a difficult time. YANBU, OP x

FunDragon · 10/10/2020 21:39

I love the way virtually everyone on this thread assumes saying thank you is women's work.

Yes you’re absolutely right. I’ve lost count reading the thread of the number of times posters have called the OP herself rude. Not her DH. Not her daughter. Not all three of them. Just the OP. Because of course it’s a woman’s responsibility to ensure her MIL gets a thank you. Despite having a stressful job. Despite caring for an ill husband and a daughter with SEN. That’s all a ‘pathetic backstory’ to try and get out of her wifework.

Booboobibles · 10/10/2020 21:41

These posts are way too harsh. You maybe should have said thanks but I think that I’d be annoyed too because I would feel that my mil was being insensitive to everything that I was going through.

I think people should do nice things without expectations and I think that her priorities are a bit odd when her son is so unwell.

DueNumberTwo · 10/10/2020 21:45

Your MIL wasn't very polite bringing it up but it was pretty rude of your DH not to call / text his mum to thank her. At least so she knew it had been received.

Autumngoldleaf · 10/10/2020 21:48

Zebra completely agree.

Shadowboy · 10/10/2020 21:53

I’m with you OP - when life hits you with a double whammy it can knock all the ‘normal’ aspects of life into the ditch and little activities/tasks that were no bother are pushed to a back-burner. And if the DD has now mental health and SEN then she may not be up to sending a message herself.

Thewiseoneincognito · 10/10/2020 21:56

OP it’s incredibly rude to not say thank you. Actually a bit scummy in my book.

Get over yourself.

Autumngoldleaf · 10/10/2020 21:57

Maybe Mil should reflect on why her grown up son is, who she raised with her values didn't get on the phone to thank her immediately?

Autumngoldleaf · 10/10/2020 21:59

I think some of the appalling comments to the op are '' scummy '' for such a small misdemeanor in the midst of a personal hurricane.

SandyY2K · 10/10/2020 21:59

@WeeWelshWoman

If you haven't had a chance to spend it, then it seems odd to have said thanks already.

No. It doesn't. Vouchers have a long expiry date. Would you wait 6 months to say thanks if you only got round to spending it then?

YANBU. If it was a gift not a voucher, then you call when you get it.

I'm sorry but this is nonsense. The voucher is a gift.

You don't wait till you've spent it to say thanks.

If you get money as a gift, you wouldn’t wait to spend it. You say thanks on receipt.

I find your logic warped tbh.

6 days is long enough and you should have said thanks in that time....being annoyed with her is failing to acknowledge what should have been done.

I know you've had a lot on...but still.

Whenever my DC get gifts from GPs, Uncles and Aunts, I make sure they thank them....when they were younger, I thanked them.

My parents insisted we did the same, so I've been raised to thank people for gifts promptly.

My DH OTOH, is quite slack in saying thanks when a gift is sent to him....I find it rude and thankfully he's improved in the time we've been married. It's something I pulled him up on, especially when it was my family members who bought him gifts.

AdoreTheBeach · 10/10/2020 22:00

Personally I don’t think as regards a voucher you wait until after it is spent to say thank you. Rather, say thank you at the time it is received. Job done.

Use this as a learning event. Text thank you upon receipt.

user1497787065 · 10/10/2020 22:02

I always made my children write thank you letters but they weren't written, posted and received in six days. If the birthday was on a a Sunday I would have made sure they were all written over the following weekend.

Personally, I would still prefer a letter to a text message.

FunDragon · 10/10/2020 22:05

OP it’s incredibly rude to not say thank you. Actually a bit scummy in my book.

Get over yourself.

Please can you explain why you think the OP is rude and needs to get over herself, rather than her husband (it’s his mother)?

(Also recommend you actually read the post before calling people ‘scummy’.)

Use this as a learning event. Text thank you upon receipt.

Please can you explain why you think the OP needs to learn a lesson here and start texting on receipt, rather than her husband (it’s his mother)?

MirandaGoshawk · 10/10/2020 22:05

The problem is that when you send a voucher or a gift - or even just a card - you're doing something that you don't have to do. You're putting yourself out for the other person. So firstly you want to know that it arrived safely, and then you want to know that the receiver is pleased. So the OP is going through a tough time; fair enough, but I can see it from MILs pov. She's put herself out and it appears that her family don't care.

Helendee · 10/10/2020 22:06

Mils must can’t win, if you send a voucher/money it’s not considered a proper gift and a thoughtless one at that but if you buy something there’s sure to be something wrong with it!

FunDragon · 10/10/2020 22:07

Personally, I would still prefer a letter to a text message.

Yeah I agree. I’m amazed at all the posters who think they’re behaving at DeBretts levels of etiquette (and are therefore entitled to dish out abuse to the OP) when they thank people for spending their time and money by ‘sending a quick text’.

dementedpixie · 10/10/2020 22:11

We never send or receive letters tbh. Facebook messenger is where most of our thanks are sent/received

DelilahfromDevon · 10/10/2020 22:17

I disagree with everyone who things the MIL is being reasonable. You give a gift unconditionally. Or you should. Thanks is nice, and appreciated but the giver has no right to place the burden of expectation on the recipient and to get annoyed when they don’t get the reaction they want. My MIL is exactly the same, expects a handwritten thank you card every time she gives one of us a gift. I always say thanks if I receive a gift but when I give a gift, I wouldn’t get pissed off if I don’t get thanked. I give it unconditionally with no expectations of anything other than the hope that the recipient likes it. (And usually give a gift receipt on the offchance that they don’t)

amitoooldforthisshit · 10/10/2020 22:19

YABVU and rude

wineandroses1 · 10/10/2020 22:24

What an awful thread full of spiteful, judgemental comments. Did those of you berating the Op not read that her husband (the MIL’s son, ie her actual relative, not the Op’s) is ill, as is their daughter?

If you truly believe that in those circumstances the Op should have made a bloody thank you letter her first priority then you really are batshit. And a spiteful, smug twat.

This place is getting worse by the day. The lovely, helpful, kind posters have been overtaken by the trolls and those just wanting to put the boot in.

Genderwitched · 10/10/2020 22:27

Wow, this thread.

If my son and Dil were going through what you are going through as a family I would be silently supporting and helping you wherever I could. Not in any expectation of thanks.

Certainly not chasing thank-yous

Autumngoldleaf · 10/10/2020 22:27

Agree wine answers roses and their comments on this thread are so much more offensive than ops family not saying thanks.