MIL asking for thanks

[Sookiestackhouse5]

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

I agree with the PP who said that the people who are most obsessed with etiquette and manners are usually the people who are really nasty, judgmental bicthes and this thread is a testament to that.

The people on this thread saying YABU are also morons because etiquette would state that you should send a card not a measly text (even for an unthoughtful gift like a voucher) and you can't possibly expect all cards to be recieved within six days. In fact for a voucher usually you'd get a thank you once they'd decided what to spend it on. If you're going to be an inflexible cow about manners you can't have it both ways - sorry arseholes!

They're also hypocrites because if you had been taught basic manners you would know that it's unspeakably rude to ask for a thank you or make a fuss if you don't get one.

There's also something which is far more important than manners which is consideration and kindness. If someone is seriously ill physically or mentally you cut them some slack. You should put their happiness and comfort above your ego in having your random gift acknowledged the minute it's recieved. Most people would rather not have the voucher and not have the stress so if you're such anarcisstic cow you're going to kick up a fuss about aforgotten thankyou better not to send the gift at all.

I always send thank yous by card to all relatives because they prefer it. If anyone was such a stickler for manners they would expect a card not a text anyway. If they were so concerned the gift hadn't been recieved they'd act like a nice person and call to wish the birthday girl a happy birthday and couldcheck it had been recieved then.

Anyone who is more concerned about a forgotten thank you than the health of their son and granddaughter really isn't worth a second's thought.

The wee girl is 6 and has recently gone from absolutely fine to SEN with MH issues. And her granny's contribution is to bleat about her voucher not being acknowledged. FFS - perspective folks. I wouldn't be thanking such a useless, needy, unempathic family member in a hurry. Manners are all very well, but no substitute for basic decency and humanity.

How do we know that the gran isn’t trying to help the family out or if she’s even capable of doing so?
Has the OP mentioned this?

A thank you text doesn’t take long but I personally hate thank you cards. If you’ve thanked me for the gift as I handed it over it’s job done in my book.

Yabu op.

YANBU... clearly with both husband and daughter ill and so much to worry about your MIL could have cut you a bit of slack... and also not rung up her son to complain that YOU hadn't acknowledged a voucher. She could have phoned to ask how you all were and let it go this one time since you usually say thank you. So no I don't think you were rude, just stressed.
One of our relatives doesn't "do" texts or emails, and only accepts a posted thank you card which has to be posted the day after receipt. She once complained, by phone and in writing! about our lack of manners because we'd only rang to thank on the day and then followed up with a large joint card we all signed. She wanted an individual card from each DC, sent the next day! A joint Christmas card and birthday card is also unacceptable. Must have it individually from all of us. I've bought them all in advance now so that I don't have to think about it because the attitude makes me so mad.
She'd have been getting individual 'fuck off' cards from our family.

So granny who cares so VERY much about appearances, manners, politeness, and the right way of doing things didn’t bother her arse to ring her granddaughter on her birthday then?

Right we are then.......

If you were a new mum would you be expected to send thanks for each present within 6 days. I think not because people would know that you were some what busy with a newborn. I would hope that your mil would know that you as a family were going through a very rough patch and cut you all some slack especially when this is not the norm and she usually gets a thank you text with a picture of your dd purchase.
When you are going through trying times unfortunately some things get pushed to the bottom of the pile maybe not intentionally but in a must send text which comes into your mind when you are doing something else and gets pushed down again

@Thewiseoneincognito

OP it’s incredibly rude to not say thank you. Actually a bit scummy in my book.

Get over yourself.

I think you need to get over YOURSELF

Not read all the thread but have read the OPs posts.

OP, you are being unreasonable to get involved in this at all. It’s your husbands Mum so leave it to him to deal with things. You can deal with your family and he can deal with his. It’s easy like that. Your MIL hasn’t told you off, she spoke to her son. I think you should keep out of it.

Your MIL isn’t being unreasonable to like a thank you though.

Yanbu. And I fucking hate gift cards.

Next time get a thank you card - and don't write in it. And just post it off - about as thoughtful as their gift that's giving you extra grief.

I understand completely how you feel. My DH side of the family always expect a thank you (cards or phone calls) but my side just say thanks if you see them around the time the gift was given. We respect this. During lockdown, I helped an elderly former client over the phone by talking her through fixing her equipment. I didn't expect any thanks but a week later a thank you card arrived with £10. I was all set to phone to say thanks but one thing after another (both DH and I are key workers with a Special needs child) I clean forgot... until she rang to ask if I'd received the gift as I hadn't said thank you. I was embarrassed and making excuses to this lady... I guess it's a lesson learnt, if something can be done in two mins, do it straight away.

Perhaps for your MIL it was the tip of the iceberg? Have other things happened with manners (or lack of) in the family ?

I'm not surprised at certain posters piling on to say that the OP is rude and blah blah they would have done this and it takes seconds. Yes, with nothing else going on, pressing on your last reserves it probably does. OP's not in that position though. Read her first post again and try not to overlay your own perspective onto OP's actual situation.

This place really is becoming full of posters gleeful at the opportunity to lash out at somebody and cause some pain if they can and wherever they can. Pathetic!

Wow, I never thought this would provoke such a response!

Thank you to all the posters who have offered supportive words & can appreciate what I have going on. I’m not using my situations as an “excuse” & to call it “pathetic” is just plain nasty. I haven’t gone into too much detail here because I’m not digging for sympathy- but there have been a lot of tears cried over this last 2 months. My DH’s condition is progressive & progressing much quicker than we thought it would, please don’t underestimate how scary that is.
Having said that, I take the criticism- maybe I’m wrong about the 6 days not being too long. I should have been more prompt with my manners. It wasn’t that I didn’t have time as such- It’s just making sure all the “thank you’s” had been done just isn’t at the forefront of my mind right now, I don’t feel like I have the mental space for everything I need to do. To me it didn’t feel like an “urgent job” but I clearly it was one I left too late.

Six days is a long time. Have you, texted anyone else in that time or is it just your MIL that you've overlooked?

Anyway, have you thanked her now or do you think that she now doesn't deserve thanking?

How is your MIL coping with the news about her son?

During lockdown, I helped an elderly former client over the phone by talking her through fixing her equipment. I didn't expect any thanks but a week later a thank you card arrived with £10. I was all set to phone to say thanks but one thing after another (both DH and I are key workers with a Special needs child) I clean forgot... until she rang to ask if I'd received the gift as I hadn't said thank you. I was embarrassed and making excuses to this lady... I guess it's a lesson learnt, if something can be done in two mins, do it straight away

So she was looking for a thank you for her thank you?

Madness.

I think 6 days is too long before saying thank you, but equally you had a lot going on. Surely if DD calls to apologise and say thank you that will resolve the situation?

I have relatives like this who moan about not getting a thank you sometimes within hrs of dc waking up
So they may of opened card then we have all gone to school work wtc got home , had a friend round then too late to call so call next day and they are nit happy
I have thrown it back at them a bit now and said well why aren't you calling dc to wish them a happy birthday ( then they would instantly say thank you )
They don't have text to send a message so has to be phone call and yes somedays we don't have a chance to actually make the call in a reasonable time with work and school , we aren't retired at home

Surely this conversation was between him and his mum? It doesn't sound like she said anything at all to you.

Sometimes you just need to accept you have done wrong and apologise. ‘Sorry, you are right and we should have text. We have had a lot on so hopefully you understand.’ You’ve apologised for doing wrong (and yes, you were wrong) and explained why. If she were to complain any further then I would find her rude.

@gamerchick

Wtf is wrong with people today? so much nastiness all over the place. There's no need.

I agree. The is just appalling the way most people are going on at OP. All of you going on about how it takes a few seconds – there are many jobs around the house that take a few seconds or two minutes, do you do all of those jobs every day? Don’t you say “there’s not enough time“? Especially OP who is going through so much. If my child were going through what hers is I don’t think I’d be able to do anything else but think of her and try to be there for her. Do have some compassion and empathy and stop trying to jump up at the first chance to denigrate someone.

Op, this thread is not what you need right now. I'm shocked at the nastiness.

Times are hard for everyone and you are going through some major life challenges on top of this.

You need to protect your mental space right now and focus on what is truly important, i.e your own and your family's well-being. Etiquette can wait and family more than anyone should understand this and support you through these times.

Try let this one go, and please don't let people make you feel bad. The lack of empathy here is astounding!

You have more important places to focus your energy. This is a mental load you really don't need! Be kind to to your self and take all this nastiness with a pinch of salt. Some people just can't help themselves it seems

Your mil may be offended, but she is a grown woman and will have to find a way of dealing with that herself.

You are in the midst of caring for her son and grand child, and you know in your heart that is where your priorities are and should be.
wishing you all the best 

It seems to me that here manners are a long way from basic human kindness. When I give gifts it's because I want to, not because I expect a thank you.
Poor OP, even if MIL had phrased it as "You're usually so good at saying thank you - is everything ok ?" that would have shown some humanity in the situation.