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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking for thanks

541 replies

Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 18:41

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

OP posts:
Zebrasandfairytales · 10/10/2020 20:54

I think it’s really interesting that so many people give a gift with the expectation of a response and judgement around appropriate timescales and etiquette. I actually find it quite sad, especially given the situation.

Having supported friends and family through particularly difficult times recently, I often send little gifts, gestures or cards with no expectation of response or thanks and I make that very clear. For people particularly with mental health issues it can be quite stress-inducing to have to contact people or add something to their to-do list. I make it clear that is never necessary for me.

I give someone a gift for their enjoyment, not mine and would never demand a thank you. It actually makes me cringe thinking about it.

I know people who will send me or DD a card or present and expect a call or message instantly with thanks, otherwise it causes a huge amount of stress. I do it because I don’t want to cause aggro but it has made me feel differently about those people and their motivations/values. It also means I would never now put someone else in that situation.

Interesting thread OP - I know I am the minority but I don’t think you are being unreasonable. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not important and could have waited or been forgotten.

Look after yourself.

HappySonHappyMum · 10/10/2020 20:54

I love the way virtually everyone on this thread assumes saying thank you is women's work. When that MIL mentioned the lack of thanks why on earth did the husband not turn round and say 'you're right, I meant to thank you myself but it slipped my mind because of all the pressure we've been under, I'm sorry'. It's not just her responsibility you know, that DD has two parents!

willowtree81 · 10/10/2020 20:55

Wow I'm so surprised by how judgemental people are on here. If she's talking about how her generation would do it I doubt a text message would cut it.

If I give a present of any kind I do it because I want to, not for what I expect in return. Especially not to fit my particular time frame. If I get a thank you card that's really lovely, I'd never put a time limit on it! Especially knowing how busy life is with kids. It sounds like yours is especially stressful op 😢

Personally if it was a voucher, I'd rather wait for a thank you card which says what she enjoyed spending it on. Don't give this any more thought, just get your daughter to write a card at some point soon and forget about it. You've got enough on your plate. Thanks

SarahBellam · 10/10/2020 20:58

Of course it’s rude. She’s probably worried that it got lost in the post apart from anything. While I’m not convinced we need to send formal thank you notes anymore, a thank you email or message (usually with a photo of me/the kids looking happy with the gift) and a bit of chat about how much it’s appreciated (and it always is) is well received and they’ll usually respond and we can have a nice chat. For large/grandparent gifts a phone all or FaceTime takes place on the evening of when the present arrives.

SarahBellam · 10/10/2020 21:00

And also - what other posters have said. It’s your DP’s parents. It’s his job - not yours to organise/remind the kids to do this.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/10/2020 21:02

You don’t say how old you dd is, but given the amount of time most kids spend glued to their phones, she could surely have found time for a quick call.

Autumngoldleaf · 10/10/2020 21:02

Op I think your Mil is being unreasonable. I imagine she was excited and perhaps hoping for some feedback on how your dd received it..

But her own son, your husband is unwell.

Going to hospital is bad enough but all the extra worry at this time along with covid ect, remembering all the bloody masks, gel etc.

And her own gd is unwell.

It's very mean. Surely she is secure enough to realise the gift is well received and perhaps her family are living life at a million miles an hour?
I know here with 2 small dc it's a case of juggling endless issues from one second to the next!!

It's also the fact she had a terse and tense conversation with her son about it.

Why couldn't she have simply sent a follow up.. By the way.. Did you get a chance to get dd anything yet or are you yiu busy, would you like any help??

randomer · 10/10/2020 21:03

How old is this person of said generation. My neighbout is nearly 90, a carer for her husand who is well over 100. She write many a cheery message on out WhatsApp group.

Newmumatlast · 10/10/2020 21:06

Yanbu in terms of no thanks via card or letter but are if there wasnt a thanks when the present was given over or a quick text

Lolaloveslemonade · 10/10/2020 21:06

I agree with people who have said it takes minutes to say thank you.
a quick text (seconds), email or a quick card in the post.
It's the easiest thing in the world and rude not to.

As for your MIL, asking for thanks is ridiculous but if I had sent a present and it went completely unacknowledged, I'd be miffed too. I wouldn't say anything but wouldn't bother sending anything again.

Millano · 10/10/2020 21:06

@namechangefail2020

It's really rude to not thank for a present and that's on the parents regardless of any pathetic back story, You're very wrong!!
You sound deeply unpleasant. 'Pathetic backstory'?

The OP sounds like she has a HUGE amount to contend with right now. And yes, normally- of course it's impolite not to thank within a 6 day timeframe. But these are not normal times for the OP. And the fact that her MIL isn't taking that into account and giving her a break, nor are so many of you, must feel pretty shitty.

OP- I'm sorry for what's going on in your life right now, and I really hope things get better soon. Don't worry a jot about anything bar your DD and DH right now. Xx

Autumngoldleaf · 10/10/2020 21:08

Oh and op it's absolutely not your responsibility to make sure she thanks his mum!!

Shoxfordian · 10/10/2020 21:10

Yabu
It takes seconds to quickly text everyone as your dd opened her presents

Nomorepies · 10/10/2020 21:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

emilyfrost · 10/10/2020 21:15

YABVU. Regardless of what is going on in your life it takes two minutes to send a thank you text. You open the gift, send the text, done.

LionessRoar · 10/10/2020 21:17

I’m sorry things are so difficult for you but I’m afraid I agree with the majority of posters. It was incredibly rude and would’ve taken seconds to text her straight away. However, this is not solely down to you... both you and your husband are in the wrong in not messaging. I find it hard to see how your husband doesn’t even bother picking up the phone to his mum when she has bought a gift for his child.

Downton57 · 10/10/2020 21:17

Those that don't thank people for presents sent in the post, doesn't it concern you that the giver might worry that the gift hasn't arrived?

Boysnme · 10/10/2020 21:20

We’d have expected grandparents to call on the kids birthdays and they would have at that time thanked them for the gifts. I think your MIL is being unreasonable to have not called her granddaughter to wish her happy birthday. I hope your DH pointed that out.

Notonthestairs · 10/10/2020 21:27

Boysnme - we are the same, grandparents always call for a chat on the day and thanks are given then. If a voucher has been sent we send a photo message to show what they bought.

Interesting what different people expect. I still haven't been thanked for w voucher sent in 3 weeks ago - but I know my niece is saving it (saver not a spender unlike me!) and will send a photo when she spends it.

WutheringTights · 10/10/2020 21:28

Don't know what you lot would think of me. My youngest (4) had his birthday two weeks ago. I got him to draw a picture and have a go at writing a thank you note. As he's four it's taken him a while to write four thank you notes so we only finished them today and they'll be posted on Monday. I think me dashing off a quick text with no thought or involvement from him is far more rude than him taking a couple of weeks to do something himself.

HandfulOfDust · 10/10/2020 21:28

It's really rude to not thank for a present and that's on the parents regardless of any pathetic back story, You're very wrong

Why are the people who are obsessed with manners always the least kind. For what it's worth I always send a thank you but if someone forgets I let it go, especially if they've had a bad time recently. That's what nice people do because it's more important to be kind, especially towards people you supposedly love, than superior and judgy.

FunDragon · 10/10/2020 21:29

I’m amazed by all these people who think they’re the height of politeness for thanking people who’ve taken the time and spent the money to get them or their children a gift by sending ‘a quick text message’. I was brought up to send a handwritten card or letter (which would often take longer than a week).

Admittedly in this case it was hardly a thoughtful gift, but still. Anyway, I’m with you OP, I think it’s impolite not to thank people for gifts but demanding thanks is really crass.

SharpLily · 10/10/2020 21:30

Those piling in with YABVVVU - do you not think the grandmother was rude for not calling and wishing her (unwell) granddaughter a happy birthday? Had she bothered to do that she would have no doubt been thanked for her present. If it doesn’t take long to contact someone to thank them it equally doesn’t take long to send them happy birthday. What’s her excuse for not doing so?

HandfulOfDust · 10/10/2020 21:32

@Downton57

Those that don't thank people for presents sent in the post, doesn't it concern you that the giver might worry that the gift hasn't arrived?

No not at all. I would assume that if they can't wait a few days for me to send a thank you card they really shouldn't be sending things in the post at all. If you're really that impatient that you can't wait for a thank you and so ungracious that you'll ring up demanding one I'd politely ask you not to send any gifts in the future as it's a right hassle.

Brefugee · 10/10/2020 21:34

And yet she's 6 and has 2 parents who could remind her to say thanks to granny.

If granny had phoned her on the day she could have said it then. Since granny apparently didn't, a quick call wouldn't have hurt? DH could have said something?

I don't think I've been at all nasty to OP except to say that, IMO, i think it's rude not to say thank you for a present.

I'm not even nasty to my rude nieces & nephews who have never thanked me for presents in the past and therefore don't get them now. Easy. It's the internet: YMMV. and OP did ask if we thought she was BU.