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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking for thanks

541 replies

Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 18:41

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

OP posts:
HandfulOfDust · 10/10/2020 20:36

Yes you should have sent a text BUT you forgot. It's actually very very rude to point out other people's lapses in manners so your Mil is being deliberately rude where as yours was accidental. In any case good manners give you far longer than a week to send a thank you.

A lot of people on MN are a bit thick when it comes to manners so I would just ignore them. What is FAR more important than manners is kindness. Your mil is showing a complete lack of kindness.

doctorboo · 10/10/2020 20:38

I can’t believe she wasn’t actually phoning or texting you on your DDs birthday with birthday well wishes.
Yes, a text could’ve been sent, but 6 days isn’t the worst. You’re going through a tough time as a family and she doesn’t sound like she’s helpful tbh.

dementedpixie · 10/10/2020 20:38

You didn't need to spend it before sending thanks for the voucher. Just message to say thanks for the voucher itself

BuddyRun · 10/10/2020 20:39

"Your thank you card is in the post. It won't have arrived yet."

  1. Makes them feel bad for accusing you of not thanking.
  2. Makes them reconsider how long is reasonable to wait for a thank you.

However, depending on the age of DD, it's not up to you to thank - it's up to her. I'm sure she had five seconds to send a text so perhaps you should focus on her manners instead of hating MIL for expecting basic decency.

dementedpixie · 10/10/2020 20:40

My mum in her 70s would be perfectly thankful for a thank you text and would not need a hand written thanks.

NotOfThisWorld · 10/10/2020 20:41

A lot of people on this thread are really scraping the barrel of stupidity. You can tell they just read the title and were too thick to change their minds after reading the thread.

In any case OP it is massively rude to ring up and make a fuss about a lack of thank you. If you're that offended don't send a gift next time. Good manners dictate you have more than 6 days to say thank you. Anyone crass enough to ring up and ask why you didn't thank them would expect a card not a text anyway.

Making someone under stress feel bad about forgetting a thank you (especially for a voucher not even a thoughtful, special gift) is the height of narcissm. Much simpler for you if they don't send more presents in future.

Brefugee · 10/10/2020 20:41

Jeez - get of my back you lot. I said the DD was rude and made no mention of the OP or her DH.

Manners are free - and it really takes very little effort to make your granny happy by thanking her for a gift.

FWIW: I've made a lot of effort over the years to stay in touch with my extended family and their children despite the lack of reciprocal effort from their parents. So meh - if they can't be bothered to rouse their stumps to say thanks, i can't be bothered to keep up the present giving, since they obviously aren't bothered about it.

For sure the OP has been having a rough time and I'm sure things slip away, and I think MIL could have been more tactful ("just checking the voucher arrived" type of thing rather than "where's my thank you") but it's still rude not to thank someone for giving you a gift.

Lollyneenah · 10/10/2020 20:42

Well, they're your husbands parents so it's down to him to text or call to say thankyou.
I'm so sorry you've had such a terrible time recently OP. You sound like a very strong woman.
Yanbu they should understand that you are under a terrible amount of pressure.

Heartbroken21 · 10/10/2020 20:43

YABU. 6 days IS a long time to not send a quick Thankyou text, especially given she’s your DD’s grandmother, I think you should have shown more consideration.

NotOfThisWorld · 10/10/2020 20:43

@Sookiestackhouse5
Nobody who had any sense of decency would ring up and make a family already going through a stressful time and a person going through a MH problem in particular feel bad about forgetting to say thank you. It's just not kind at all. Obviously some people are just dickheads and are more concerned with etiquette than actually doing nice things for their family. If you're one of those people you should just stop sending gifts your family will be graeful!

trixiebelden77 · 10/10/2020 20:44

I’m a busy person. The only way to manage is to deal with things as they arise - so immediately send the thank you text, otherwise you’ve wasted precious time every time you think of it when it’s a ten second job.

Brefugee · 10/10/2020 20:44

and sorry - i did call OP rude in my original reply, and i did miss out her DH who could have stopped this in it's tracks by telling his DM not to be so silly on the phone.

Livelovebehappy · 10/10/2020 20:45

Have you remembered to thank her previous years? If so, then this is a one off situation with the issues you’ve had this year, and she should cut you some slack. But if you never thank her then the excuses this year are bullshit.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 10/10/2020 20:45

I'm gonna go against the grain and say I don't understand this desperate need for acknowledgment. I've never expected thanks for a gift, I give it to please the sender, not for them to please me. I make my kids say "thank you" at the point of the gift being handed over, but don't expect grovelling gratitude to the end of time.

forrestgreen · 10/10/2020 20:46

Tbh a lovely Thankyou would have been great. You havent said how old dd is. If she's technology age, I'd get her to send gm a message saying thanks. Mine use messenger and send photos etc. Pass on this wifework.

NotOfThisWorld · 10/10/2020 20:46

@Brefugee The reason you come across as so nasty is that you're more concerned about a young girl going through a menatl health problem who forgot to thank someone. Than the MiL who was MUCH more rude. Ringing up and making a fuss about this when she knows he family has alot on their plate (and even if they didn't) is the height of rudeness. Manners cost nothing and she should have been gracious. Drawing attention to other people's lapses is not only bitchy but also massively lacking in manners. This woman isn't a teenager and should know better.

tainot · 10/10/2020 20:49

This thread shocks me. YANBU OP I NEVER expect a thank you. Perhaps next time I happen to talk to them, but generally kids forget!
I think it's incredibly rude to complain about not getting a thank you! At least just ask if the voucher got there ok and if the kid knows what they want to get with it?!

Babysharksmom · 10/10/2020 20:49

It takes a minute to text and say thanks. She did make the effort to go get a voucher for your daughter.
It also teaches your daughter to say thanks when she receives something

KatharinaRosalie · 10/10/2020 20:50

You DD forgot. Your MIL was massively rude to make such an issue of it and demand thanks.

Kaiserin · 10/10/2020 20:50

All the YABU don't really seem to understand the concept of mental load, and that sending that extra text is the straw that breaks the camel's back when juggling too many balls.
What you fail to see is all the (much more important) other things the OP had to think about and did succeed in completing in a timely manner over that one week.
As someone with a genuinely busy life, I understand where OP comes from (also... wasn't it her DH's job to send that text, anyway?)
The YABUers clearly have waaay too much time on their hands.

CareBear50 · 10/10/2020 20:51

I think you've both been a bit unreasonable.

MIL could have been a lot kinder....I think she was a bit rude merely because she will be aware of the current stressors.

But OP you were prob a bit unreasonable also. If a text or phonecall is too difficult just quickly send a voice mail. Takes 30 seconds. Job done

Hope things get easier w health issues x

Pixxie7 · 10/10/2020 20:51

Sorry but I agree with other posters, a thank you goes a long way.

ExclamationPerfume · 10/10/2020 20:52

You were rude. It takes seconds to call or text. 6 days is a huge amount of time.

WildWaterSwimmer · 10/10/2020 20:52

@Brefugee

Jeez - get of my back you lot. I said the DD was rude and made no mention of the OP or her DH.

Manners are free - and it really takes very little effort to make your granny happy by thanking her for a gift.

FWIW: I've made a lot of effort over the years to stay in touch with my extended family and their children despite the lack of reciprocal effort from their parents. So meh - if they can't be bothered to rouse their stumps to say thanks, i can't be bothered to keep up the present giving, since they obviously aren't bothered about it.

For sure the OP has been having a rough time and I'm sure things slip away, and I think MIL could have been more tactful ("just checking the voucher arrived" type of thing rather than "where's my thank you") but it's still rude not to thank someone for giving you a gift.

@Brefugee The daughter has SEN and MH issues, it's not great taking a pot shot at a vulnerable child who is struggling with daily life let alone writing a Thank You note.
WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 10/10/2020 20:53

Your family was unreasonable not to contact her asap with a quick thank you. It takes 2 seconds. There really isn't an excuse.

She is equally unreasonable to phone and ask for a thank you. Its spine-tinglingly cringey to even utter such a thing - if someone doesn't thank you, you assume there's a reason, and move on with your life.

Happily there is always room for someone to remember their manners and be gracious. In this case, you/dh/dd have the opportunity to ring Granny, apologise, and say a sincere thank you. Ignore any moaning and just smooth it over. She will get over it, try not to hold it against her - just as you had reasons for being rude, she may have reasons of her own.