MIL asking for thanks

[Sookiestackhouse5]

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

They would have liked to wish her happy birthday on the day too, l am sure.

Yeah, and I’m sure they own a phone and have plenty of free time to ring people on it.

Takes 5 mins to thank someone. Pickup the phone and do it now. But you have time to mumsnet???

I think the title of the thread is misleading. It would not be particularly unreasonable for the MIL to ask for thanks. It is her moaning about it that is the problem.

YANBU. If I give a gift I want the person to enjoy it - I would not be fussing a week later re thanks. It's useful to know if a gift has arrived in the post though. Also not sure why 'you' have been rude and why you assume it's your job to do the thank yous. The issue here is between your DH and his mum. It seems often the case though that thank yous are seen as 'wife work' but this is a ridiculous in this day and age. Your DH could have spoken to his mum himself on DD birthday and given a 'lovely thank you'. I'd step back from this one - would your DH be taking responsibility if your mum was upset for the same reason? I think not somehow!

Op was intending to say thanks with a photograph of what was bought. I'd be happy with that. I also would have text the birthday person on my day and would have been more than happy with a text back to say TYVM. Leave it with your OH to get on with and put it out of your mind.

I highly doubt that if your Mum or Dad sent a present to your DD and your DH didn't say thank you on time that your DH would be all upset about it. I doubt people would be talking about what a disgrace he is either.

I think you should have rung your husband's parents

Why? Either husband is able to do it, or if he's really that ill that he can't, don't they all (including MIL) have other things to worry about than thank yous?

Gifts should be given without strings. A gift voucher doesn’t show much thought anyway. If they had spent time & money choosing something special then I could understand their disappointment at the lack of thanks. I would think that the person was waiting to spend the voucher & tell/show me what they had bought.
Do the PIL know about all the health issues? If so then the lack if a thank you should be the least of their worries.
I hope you & your family have better times ahead 💖

Gosh have read all your replies (not full thread) it makes me sad/angry for you that this seems to be seen as your sole responsibility. Even when dealing with family issues you still have to be the one to not forget a single thank you! If your DH is well enough to use a phone, he's also well enough to call his own mother and thank her - it's not the 50's. The secondary issue is the timing - which is very much down to personal opinion. Personally within 6 weeks is good, but honestly I am actually not that fussed other than knowing a gift has been received-most of the time it is the parent (mum!) actually saying thank you.

@IseeIsee

I highly doubt that if your Mum or Dad sent a present to your DD and your DH didn't say thank you on time that your DH would be all upset about it. I doubt people would be talking about what a disgrace he is either.

Quite. Especially if his wife and child had serious health issues at the time.

Being busy doesn’t excuse bad manners.

No, but being out of one's mind with despair and anxiety might.

What kind of example are you setting your DD?]

Perhaps the example of caring about her health problems, and taking them into account, which she may then pass on in her relationship with others.

I usually do thank people promptly for gifts; and I prefer if they do the same for me. But if occasionally someone forgets, I might feel slightly annoyed momentarily, and then promptly forget it. However, if someone is harsh with me about difficulties caused by my own or family members' health problems, I'm afraid I find that VERY difficult to forgive or forget. (In my case, it would usually not involve remembering to thank someone, but something like ability to attend an event. There have been times in my life when 'every year was 2020' for me.) I think setting an example of acceptance of genuine health problems is much more important than almost any other form of manners.

I agree with those who have said it’s down to your DH, not you, as it’s his parents. Don’t accept the blame.

Well said @ddl1

I'd also add the example she is setting her DD that the mum/female of the house is not the only one capable of sending a bloody thank you message to her husband's own mother!

Its takes no time at all to ping a text saying thank you. You are being rude despite the circumstances. If you have time to open a a card, you have time to send a thank you text. You're being extremely rude and entitled.

As others have pointed out, you had time to post the message here. I understand you are going through a lot but acknowledgement takes a second. I am married into the same family as another woman who ignores birthday wishes from the in laws, even though not directed at me as I avoid her, I find it very rude and arrogant.

I can see both sides, say your very sorry for not getting back to them but your intention was to spend voucher and inform them of lovely item you'd manage to get. Unfortunately with being so busy you hadn't had chance to go shopping. Then all will be forgiven. On the other side I think she obviously knows your situation and could have shown some compassion

Delighted for those of you who have not experienced being pushed this far, but six days may as well be six seconds when you're struggling.

The OP isn't being intentionally rude. Suspect MIL knows this.

If it's not like someone to cause offence and they're currently going through Hell, complaining about it is probably the rudest thing you can do.

Contact the MIL when YOU CAN, OP. Not when MIL feels, despite everything you're going through, you should.

Think you should have sent a thank you of some kind. But your MIL is being very rude by asking for one.
I send my nephews/nieces presents and rarely get a thankyou. I do get annoyed because how do I know that the parcel arrived. But I'd never tell them off (even though I'd kind of like to)

@Wearywithteens you may put a lot of thought into your gift buying, in this case the MIL bought a gift voucher, so hopefully she'll be spared the hand wringing of worrying if she bought the right thing or not. And - whilst a gift voucher is of course a generous gift - it isn't too onerous a task for the purchaser to acquire one.

This is not to say that a gift voucher shouldn't be thanked for as should any gift, but under the circumstances it would have been compassionate for MIL to cut some slack.

Is your daughter old enough to thank her gran herself? If so, she is bu and rude. If not, you are bu and rude

Oh come on you’re in the wrong and you know it. Grow up, get your kids to send a 30 second voice note or something similar. No excuse. You’re lucky your MIL had the balls to be honest about her expectations.

It's 6 of one and half a dozen of another here.

YABU because it takes 60 seconds to type a quick: "hi granny thanks for the voucher, it was very kind of you" and if your DD was struggling that week you could have sent that for her.

I also think, if MIL doesn't know exactly what's happening at home it's time you put her in the picture because she was equally rude. Ring her, explain what's going on and tell her you understand she was disappointed not to have been thanked but right now you really do have more important things to worry about than a gift voucher and that will not be changing in the near future so please do not make any more phone calls of the previous nature or it will be you she deals with and it will not be a pleasant experience.

Like you, your DH has enough to deal with so if necessary start screening calls.

As it probably took you longer to write your mumsnet message than it would have done to ring or text your relatives, I would say you have a bigger axe to grind with them...

I'm astounded by some of the replies on this thread. The cruel dismissal of OP's current situation, the usual misreading and misreporting of the facts (i.e. there are posts saying the DD is 6, when OP never mentioned her age). I've reported a few of the nastier comments, the "scummy" one in particular - that took my breath away with its crassness. OP, I would be so hurt and so upset by your MIL's attitude at a time like this, I would ensure that your DD is protected from hearing about it - and if I were your DH, I would think I would have to phone her back and explain that you are both hurt by her lack of empathy and kindness at a time when she knows you are struggling. Gift-giving isn't meant to create feelings like this. to you (and I don't expect a thank you for them!!)