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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking for thanks

541 replies

Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 18:41

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

OP posts:
IseeIsee · 11/10/2020 16:07

Your daughter or DH should have said thank you to his Mother and Father. I'm not sure why everyone here feels this is exclusively your role. I personally would never complain if I gave a gift and didn't receive a thank you. It is polite to say thank you.

Jojobythesea · 11/10/2020 16:10

Urgh. My mil is the same re thankyous and expects written ones in a card. She even nags DH, who's nearly 50, after every birthday and Christmas to do this, he gives his old aunties a call to say thanks now which they much prefer! It ends up being another thing you have to do or get the children to do. We see them in person too when they give the gift and obviously always say thanks at the time.

Lolaloveslemonade · 11/10/2020 16:12

I'm not sure why everyone here feels this is exclusively your role

They don’t

Lolaloveslemonade · 11/10/2020 16:14

It ends up being another thing you have to do or get the children to do.

I hate this attitude.
Tell people not to send gifts if it is such a chore to say thank you.

dontdisturbmenow · 11/10/2020 16:19

Your daughter or DH should have said thank you to his Mother and Father. I'm not sure why everyone here feels this is exclusively your role
It wasn't her exclusive role. She doesn't have exclusive bad manners because she didn't. She has as manners because she clearly doesn't think it was wrong that her DD didn't say thank you, direct it via her parents.

As to say that some people don't expect thank you, that's fine, but I'd some do, then you respond accordingly.

I can say thank you to my father via text, to my mother via call, to my pil via a card. That's fine, I respond in the way that makes them happy, because that's what matters.

GoatCheeseTart · 11/10/2020 16:46

Honestly half the posters here sound like they only ever give any presents to get a thank you note. I have never kept tabs on who said thanks, how quickly and if it was in a manner to my liking. I certainly wouldn't whine I didn't get one fast enough if I knew the family was going through challenging times.

But some people here seem to be proud that they managed to add to the workload of a family going through traumatic events? See, they are dealing with death/illness/divorce/redundancy but had to give headspace to sending me a letter! Ha!

MrsMomoa · 11/10/2020 16:55

Op, you weren't being rude.
Some people are just weird/obsessive about 'Thank You's'.
People ought to remember that you give to make someone happy, not because you expect to be heaped with thanks and praise Hmm

gamerchick · 11/10/2020 17:09

@GoatCheeseTart

Honestly half the posters here sound like they only ever give any presents to get a thank you note. I have never kept tabs on who said thanks, how quickly and if it was in a manner to my liking. I certainly wouldn't whine I didn't get one fast enough if I knew the family was going through challenging times.

But some people here seem to be proud that they managed to add to the workload of a family going through traumatic events? See, they are dealing with death/illness/divorce/redundancy but had to give headspace to sending me a letter! Ha!

I know, right?! Head boggled a bit at that Grin
Wearywithteens · 11/10/2020 17:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

RedskyAtnight · 11/10/2020 17:18

So in this case, it’s the wife’s fault for not sending a text, even though her husband has, I assume, a mobile phone. And it’s HIS MOTHER.

I don't think anyone has said it was exclusively OP's fault. Including MiL who moaned at OP's DH

Idontbelieveit12 · 11/10/2020 17:18

It’s my DD’s birthday today, she has text or phoned anyone who got her a present to say thanks. We always do it on the day so it isn’t forgotten. It is rude.

DanceItOut · 11/10/2020 17:53

I mean people forget but she’s not really in the wrong here. Is it that hard to just say “oh I’m sorry we we’ve been very busy of course we are very grateful thank you. DD will write you a nice thank you note when she has got something with it so she can tell you what she got with it”

Rollergirl999 · 11/10/2020 17:54

Has your DD not had 30 seconds to send her Gran a text to say thank you ? You or your OH should have made sure she said thanks .

Dragonsmother · 11/10/2020 17:59

OP sounds like you have a lot going on. Do you have support? Is anyone looking after you?

Have you PIL been their for their son?

I totally hear the issue re the thanks- however I am also hearing that you are tired, exhausted and spinning many plates.

Maybe you need a heart to heart with PIL, the issue and pressure you are under has come to a head with this scenario

Scotland32 · 11/10/2020 17:59

Crikey OP, the MN massive have got their knives out for you!
I always send written thank you notes because that’s my preference. So sometimes it may take 6 days to write and then post. And I don’t feel remotely guilty about that.
After everything you have said I think YANBU in any way and as some have said, your MIL must have too much time on her hands, or not be very understanding to have kicked up a stink.
I don’t think you need to change or apologise.

Lisa46 · 11/10/2020 17:59

As most other people say, 'thank you' wouldn't have taken much time. and I think you know it or you wouldn't be feeling so defensive. You are also setting a very bad example for your child.

Cam2020 · 11/10/2020 18:06

It's really rude to not say thank you.

cherish123 · 11/10/2020 18:11

DD should have thanked her.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 11/10/2020 18:12

Well obviously in an ideal world your daughter could have phoned granny to say thank you, and your dh could have prompted her / organised that (depending on how old she is).

Sometimes life gets too much though, and what ordinarily are quick little jobs turn into an insurmountable pile of tasks that feel beyond you. I hope you have people in your life who are more supportive than your MIL.

Although to be fair, it’s possible she is also stressed about your dh’s health and hitting out at something else?

Anyhow, in future, tell your dd to send an immediate text “dear Gran, thank you for the lovely present”. Generic and emotionless but if that’s what she wants...

Plunger · 11/10/2020 18:14

You had time to put a message on mumsnet but not say thank you for the present. Saying you had a lot on is a feeble excuse as had time to message on mumsnet.

Imnotahugger · 11/10/2020 18:16

YAB extremely U. I can’t believe that you don’t see how rude that is! You or your DD should have at least sent a text shortly after it was opened. Being busy doesn’t excuse bad manners. What kind of example are you setting your DD?

Violinist64 · 11/10/2020 18:17

I think you should have rung your husband's parents on the day for you daughter to thank them. They would have liked to wish her happy birthday on the day too, l am sure.

midlifeangst · 11/10/2020 18:20

My son was in the same position and could not face talking/texting anyone. Pick up the phone and thank her as quickly as possible. Explain Dd not in great place but very grateful for gift. It will annoy you to do it but will shut the PIL down. Imagine they don’t have much going on so it’s all about them

Todaywewilldobetter · 11/10/2020 18:20

It would have been better to admit you forgot and that that was a bit rubbish of you than to create a whole thread of excuses. Of course it's rude. And setting a poor example. And potentially quite hurtful.
However I wouldn't have called you out on it either. But I would have been miffed.

TwilightSkies · 11/10/2020 18:29

I can’t believe the MIL has such a empty life that she sat quietly fuming over not getting a Thank You, and then actually contacted OP to complain about it 😂 I think it’s pathetic!

When I give a gift, the only thing that goes through my head is that I hope the recipient likes/enjoys the gift.....Here you go, enjoy....job done. Then I get on with my life. Ya know, because the world doesn’t revolve around ME ME ME and my fragile ego.
I don’t put stupid obligations on people and suck the fun out of it...unlike a lot of people on here apparently.