MIL asking for thanks

[Sookiestackhouse5]

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

So MIL's son is seriously ill and granddaughter has mental health issues and special needs, and all she cares about is that she didn't get a thank you card immediately? And then takes time to specifically moan about it, adding to the stress, instead of supporting her son's family?

Why is it A JOB?

It's a tiny thing.

Thank you for the gift-we're really looking forward to choosing something great with it. See you soon! X

There, that took 8 seconds to type. If you can't find time for that, stop typing out long replies to randoms on the internet which must be taking much longer.

It is strange that the MIL is only concerned about being thanked for a birthday voucher given to her DGD, when this DGD has MH issues at age 6, and her DS is seriously unwell? It sounds just a bit self-absorbed on her part.

Is there a backstory here, OP? Is your MIL aware of the health issues your family are coping with? Is she supportive at other times?

For me this isn't necessarily just about a MIL, it's about a 'thank you'. I give my niece and nephew gifts and don't always get a thank you. I haven't handed them over in person mostly, just given them to their dad, but I know they've received them, will use them and are grateful to have them. I don't really need a 'thanks' however much I will din it into my own children's heads that they need to do this.

Expectations heaped on the OP are really unfair. Perhaps those who hand over a gift with thankyou-strings-attached would be better served not to bother if not receiving that acknowledgement really irks you so much?

OP... if you're still reading this bear-pit of a thread, did your husband remember to thank his mother for his daughter's vouchers?

While he was on the phone having his head chewed off, I meant?

@DrFoxtrot
What a sweet thing to read amongst all the other mean replies you must be a good person

@LovelyLovelyMe

Why is it A JOB?

It's a tiny thing.

Thank you for the gift-we're really looking forward to choosing something great with it. See you soon! X

There, that took 8 seconds to type. If you can't find time for that, stop typing out long replies to randoms on the internet which must be taking much longer.

One of a million 'tiny things' that the wife is expected to think about seemingly. They add up.

6 days is too long for your DH to not have got his DD to thank her DGM (and his DM) for the present.

Fortunately your DHs DM feels comfortable enough with her adult DS to pull him up on his bad manners and he would have been perfectly able to thank her during the conversation, or to grab DD and get her on the phone to DGM to do the honours.

There, that took 8 seconds to type

Ah, this is where I'm failing with wifework. A couple of weeks ago, I had to call an ambulance for DC. Took them several minutes, I could have done a lot of admin in this time, written a few Xmas cards maybe as well?

MiL raised this on a phone call with DH. Unless she launched straight into "why did I not get a thank you for DGD's present" this was surely an ideal opportunity to say "oh, that reminds me, we never said thanks for the voucher" and encourage DGD to talk to her GM. or at the very least for DH to do it for her. You can't really blame having a lot on as a reason for not doing something if you have an ideal opportunity to do the something.

I can only imagine that those who are calling the OP out for being rude and making excuses haven't experienced the extreme stress that having a child with mental health issues and undiagnosed SEN causes

Neither the OP or the OP’s DH thought of saying thank you on their DD’s behalf.

Like others have said, it takes seconds.
They just didn’t think to do it. I have had many messages over the years thanking me for cards or gifts - even from people dealing with the most tragic situations.

I don’t know why the OP didn’t just say (when confronted by batshit MIL)
‘Gosh, we’re so sorry, DD got her present - we’ve just been snowed under here, thank you’ OR, (shit stirring)
‘Gosh, didn’t DH (your son) phone you to say thanks on DD’s behalf? How rude. I’m really sorry’.

The lack of a thank you text (which it sounds like MiL is used to receiving) should have alerted MiL to the extent of the difficulties in your household. Sure, one of you would ideally have called her. But you didn't, and she had a choice about how to react to that: with concern or with a complaint.

@iguanadonna

The lack of a thank you text (which it sounds like MiL is used to receiving) should have alerted MiL to the extent of the difficulties in your household. Sure, one of you would ideally have called her. But you didn't, and she had a choice about how to react to that: with concern or with a complaint.

Yes indeed.

I think your mil is being unreasonable to call and lecture about not receiving a thank you. She sounds like she has way too much time on her hands if that is her biggest concern with everything going on with your family regardless if she knows about it or not.

Things fall to the wayside when you’re stressed and a lot is going on, especially with the issues your family is having. Instead of perceiving it as a slight, mil could have asked if everything was all right instead of going into full-blown lecture mode over something so minimal, especially if it is out of the ordinary.

I hope everything gets better for you and your family OP.

It seems to me that the people who put the most emphasis on manners in this thread are the ones with the least compassion.

@KatharinaRosalie

There, that took 8 seconds to type

Ah, this is where I'm failing with wifework. A couple of weeks ago, I had to call an ambulance for DC. Took them several minutes, I could have done a lot of admin in this time, written a few Xmas cards maybe as well?

I think you will find that wife work mostly consists of jobs that are a really simple, quick and easy when women do then but demanding and time consuming when men do them.

So women are being petty / childish / pathetic / drama llamas for even mentioning it. But men can’t do it because they are Busy / Important / would forget / don’t know how.

So in this case, it’s the wife’s fault for not sending a text, even though her husband has, I assume, a mobile phone. And it’s HIS MOTHER.

On another thread, someone told me that it took “ literally two minutes “ to contact the doctor to make an appointment for their child, contact the child’s school to arrange time off , contact their own employer to arrange time off, leave work, drive to the child’s school, collect child, drive to Hospital, wait to see the doctor and drive home.

Therefore any women complaining about always having to do it was petty.

Strangely enough, I’ve never seen a man on MN being berated for not shopping for And sending his MILs Christmas present. Even though it Only takes 5 mins.

In your case, I feel you could have at least loaded the dishwasher while waiting for that ambulance. Or perhaps popped in a load of washing. Apparently if you use the word “ popped” it makes the job more girly therefore easy and fun.

In future you need to get your priorities right.

@rookiemere

I agree with you. I think that if my MIL didn't receive a thank you call or text, she would be calling to ask if we were okay, not to complain about it. My DH calls her regularly, and gives the phone to our DDs for them to talk to her as well. If there wasn't a call or text, she would be concerned, not offended.

Seeing as her DS is ill and her DGD has MH issues and SEN, surely she would be more concerned to make sure that all was well, not guilt tripping about the lack of a thank you call/text?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable op. Yes it only takes a minute to message a thank you but your lives right now are incredibly stressful and all consuming. Mil should know this and not add to your stress. I hope things look up for you soon Op.

Here's athing, instead of the passive aggressive behaviour, the giver could say something along the lines of " I'm happy to give you this gift. I hope you really like it. If you are able to thank me, that would be appreciated"

YABU and rude

@randomer that sounds completely passive aggressive to me

how long does it take to say thank you ???? Definatley not 6 days, even if you do have some family issues.

oh and how long did it take you to type and post this !! Sorry your rude and making excuses

I’m a MIL too.

If my son was just out of hospital and recovering after surgery and my GC had just received what sounds like a life changing diagnosis, the only words I’ve be saying to my son and DIL is

“How can I help ? “