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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking for thanks

541 replies

Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 18:41

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

OP posts:
WetPaint4 · 11/10/2020 10:31

YABU. When I give a gift, I don't think about receiving thanks but if someone doesn't show gratitude at all, I do wonder "did they receive it/did they like it/was it the right thing to give" and it can then be awkward to ask. I don't see it as a big deal when I'm gifting.

However, if someone has taken time, money, energy to think of me and gift me something, the very least I can do is say thank you. And most people will understand if you're going through a storm that you don't have time to write out a thank you letter or post a cards even pick up the phone and deal with the small talk but in this day and age, it takes seconds to communicate with somebody.

It's not about wife-work or "why didn't DH..." Either adult could have encouraged DD or contacted Grandma on her behalf, it shouldn't matter whose mother or in-law she is, DD is the responsibility of both parents.

Baconking · 11/10/2020 10:34

@Sookiestackhouse5

Thank you for all your your honest replies, I’m taking them all on board. It certainly isn’t a matter of not bothering, & I did think about on in the day but then didn’t get round to it, before I know it she’s on the phone. It’s not like I never planned to send a thanks or haven’t done in the past. I don’t feel like 6 days is that long. Usually I would take a pic of anything a voucher has been spent on & send it to show the gift. But she hasn’t had chance to spend it yet...
I might not spend a voucher for 6 to 12 months so that could be a long wait to send a thank you.

Did MIL not send a text or call on DD's birthday wishing her a happy birthday? That would have been the ideal time to reply with a thank you for the gift.

SecretSpAD · 11/10/2020 10:41

That's so rude. I had a god daughter who never thanked me for the gifts I sent her (birthdays, christmases, when I got back from trips abroad). Eventually I stopped buying her anything as it pissed me off so much. Manners cost nothing and a quick thanks goes a long way.

SecretSpAD · 11/10/2020 10:51

Only on here is giving a gift to someone and expecting the basic politeness of a thank you seen as attention seeking. Fucks sake.

Storyoftonight · 11/10/2020 11:03

You should have thanked her OP but some of these responses are unecessarily brutal. The scenario is far from 'pathetic'. Hope everything settles down soon.

zingally · 11/10/2020 11:04

Yes, it's a generational thing.

But all being said, long backstory aside, I don't believe you didn't have time to send a "Dear Granny, thank you for the voucher, I'm going to spend it at X Shop soon! Love from Grandchild xxx" text or email in a whole six days.

You forgot, and that's okay, but you should also own that it came across rude and that you should make more of an effort in the future. Instead of dressing it all up in "yeah, buts".

Mittens030869 · 11/10/2020 11:04

I know the OP's DH is ill, but he isn't too ill to either fire off a thank you text to his DM or to call her and thank her. He was well enough to speak to her on the phone and complain to his DW about it.

The person who has been unreasonable is the OP's DH. He didn't need to involve the OP at all, he must have known how she would react.

It feels a bit mean saying this, as he obviously isn't well. But he can't opt out of parenthood and leave it all to the OP, who clearly has a lot to cope with, and probably on her own.

ddl1 · 11/10/2020 11:06

Why can’t anyone in this whole family find a few seconds to send a text?

They could doubtless find a few seconds. They might however fail to do so promptly because they are out of their minds with anxiety about health issues.

I think it really depends on whether the MIL fully knows about the issues concerning her son's and granddaughter's health. If she does, then I think it is rather cruel of her to carp about an issue of manners - especially to do so directly to her sick son (unless perhaps his own anxieties have caused him to misinterpret and exaggerate her comments).

It is not U of the MIL to expect thanks for a gift; but it is U of her to carp at family members for neglecting to do so promptly at a time of deep anguish and anxiety for them. The fact that they are also busy is a red herring: that is not an excuse in itself, but deep anxiety about serious illness is.

The OP should obviously not interfere between her dh and her MIL; but she is not U to feel upset about it.

On a more practical point: as pp have said, the OP now knows that the MIL expects prompt thanks for the voucher itself and that it is not necessary to use the voucher before thanking her.

movingonup20 · 11/10/2020 11:08

A quick text doesn't hurt, but normally we wouldn't do it until it's spent tbh

Mittens030869 · 11/10/2020 11:08

I'm speaking as someone who is ill, and I was very unwell with long Covid for at least five months. It's getting better now. But I always sent thank you texts when presents were sent to us. When you're ill, you actually have more time for this sort of thing. The thing to do is to fire off the text straightaway so it doesn't get forgotten.

For me to leave all this to my DH, who has enough to do, would be very unfair.

cantdothisnow1 · 11/10/2020 11:40

This thread!

I can only imagine that those who are calling the OP out for being rude and making excuses haven't experienced the extreme stress that having a child with mental health issues and undiagnosed SEN causes.

OP take no notice of the nasty comments. Your MIL might well have appreciated an acknowledgement but it's hardly end of the world stuff.

I hope things are going well with your husband and daughter. I have 2 children with SEN and mental health issues, it's extremely tough, and I don't know anything about your daughter but if she has communication issues too then I think your MIL is being particularly unfair.

A lot of posters on here need to gain some empathy.

reallydisgruntled · 11/10/2020 11:47

I'm sorry but all the health issues/problems experienced by the OP, whilst real, and troubling are not an excuse for not send a 20 second text. The OP had time to write this post. The thank you text would have taken up less time.
It's manners, consideration and common courtesy.

Mittens030869 · 11/10/2020 11:51

In reality it's her DH who should have sent the thank you text, or phoned her himself. Complaining to his wife about it isn't fair. He only needed to say, 'Sorry, Mum' and that would have been it.

I really don't see that being unwell is a reason not to be able to text a thank you message.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/10/2020 11:53

reallydisgrunted, do you think the timeline for this is in any way comparable? This was six days ago. Husband has spoken to his mother on the phone and I imagine has said 'thank you'. Perhaps OP can confirm that?

Posters banging on about 10-20 seconds to text a thank you, aligning it with a thread post here are really missing the point... breathtakingly.

CallmeAngelina · 11/10/2020 11:58

"Yes, it's a generational thing."

No, it really isn't. It's a manners thing.

I accept that the OP and her dh have stuff going on. Been there - am there at the moment, actually. But it's OK to hold your hands up and say, "Gosh yes, SO sorry. Been pre-occupied, as you can imagine. Thank you blah-di-blah" and move on. This really doesn't need to escalate into a huge issue.
But I'll repeat, it's only really an excuse if neither if them have been texting or SM-ing anyone else all week.

Figgygal · 11/10/2020 12:01

You could have text her to say thanks
That wouldn’t have been too much of an effort

Mumisnotmyonlyname · 11/10/2020 12:02

I think it's understandable that there was delay and I don't think 6 days is that long. People used to thank in writing anyway, and that took time. In general I definitely think it's rude not to thank and also I think it's becoming increasingly common.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 11/10/2020 12:18

Another wifework post. and if these people posting have sons. We can see what kind of men they will turn out to be eh.

Oh do fuck off, if everyone else is " too sick" that leaves OP. You clearly think raising DC to have no manners is ok. Marvelous.

Thurmanmurman · 11/10/2020 12:44

@namechangefail2020 'pathetic back story' OPs daughter has been diagnosed with special needs and her DH has a serious health condition which she's worried about. Are you usually such a dick, or just on anonymous internet forums?

picosandsancerre · 11/10/2020 12:50

For those of you saying you can appreciate the OP having lots of stress issues but she should have sent a text as it only takes 20 secs. You clearly have never experienced this level of stress in your lives. I have lived like this for over a year, DH double cancer diagnosis, surgery, complications, hospital stay for months where he got so down he openly talked about killing himself, coming home to deal with 4 DC with there own issues, and then the demands from friends and family who expect me to be liaising with them too. Its like your life as you know it has been flipped on its side and you feel an intense pressure on you all the time. I had so many demands that a thank you for one of my kids presents dropped of the list. My sister and mother didnt get the rage as it was rare and they were more concerned that I was ok.. Please dont dismiss managing a very intensley stressful situation by suggesting 'well i know your dealing with stress but it would only take a few seconds'. I spent my existence running between hospital, DC school, parents evenings, medical appointments, etc etc. So please FO with the it only takes 20 secs....20secs was time for me to go the toilet .....

gamerchick · 11/10/2020 13:00

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

Another wifework post. and if these people posting have sons. We can see what kind of men they will turn out to be eh.

Oh do fuck off, if everyone else is " too sick" that leaves OP. You clearly think raising DC to have no manners is ok. Marvelous.

I will not fuck off thankyou Hmm

I've raised my kids not to be prtty fuckers and have compassion for someone who is struggling. Something sadly lacking on this thread.

gamerchick · 11/10/2020 13:06

A lot of posters on here need to gain some empathy

Or laid. It's a toss up Wink

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/10/2020 13:24

I've raised my kids not to be prtty fuckers and have compassion for someone who is struggling. Something sadly lacking on this thread.

You're right. Keeping up appearances is not more important than someone else's wellbeing. There are some occasions in life when other things take precedence. This is one of those times.

It goes without saying that Ps and Qs are very important. A thank you card is always sent by my DC in response to any gift received. This means that the thank you comes directly from DC, which I'm sure friends and relatives appreciate more than a quick text dashed off on their behalf by Mum and Dad. It also teaches DC the importance of recognising other people's kindness rather than relying on other people to do that for them.

The card doesn't always arrive within the space of a week. For Christmas gifts it usually happens early in the new year. This whole idea that some huge breach has been committed by not sending some impersonal text the minute the wrapping is torn off strikes me as rather strange. But different people evidently have very different views as to what good manners entail, and it's very evident (cf. some wedding threads on this forum) that others simply don't care.

OP, I'm sorry you have having such a rough time at present Flowers

Oneandzero · 11/10/2020 13:38

The irony of the OP having the time to start a long and detailed thread and respond to posts in kind.

All about not dropping a “thank you”

Grin
S00LA · 11/10/2020 13:41

@Florencex

Yes YABU. It would have taken you seconds to send a thank you. Your other issues do not mean you no longer need to show manners to anyone else.
I think you’re confused. The gift was to the DD, not the OP. So the thanks needs to come from the child or the Ops husband, as it’s his mother.

Why on earth would it be the OPs job?