MIL asking for thanks

[Sookiestackhouse5]

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

Sorry - I haven't RTFT but I've read some of it and have read all the OP's posts.
OP, I don't understand why you posted in AIBU when you obviously don't think for a minute that you might BU (for what it's worth, I think you are BU).

Maybe post in Chat if you just want a bit of a grumble rather than people's actual opinions on your behaviour.

It takes 2 minutes to send a text. Very rude of you not to thank her. YABU.

I am sorry about the health issues in your family. Wishing you all the best!

I think that a lot of pp are missing what seems to me to be the main point, maybe to some extent because of the way you expressed yourself. I don't think that just being too busy is in itself an excuse for not saying thank you through a brief phone call or text. But being worried sick about serious health problems in the family - even at a normal time, let alone during a pandemic - IS a reason why your MIL should have cut you all a bit of slack.

Also, it would usually be your dd, not her parents, who should be saying thank you; but if she's had serious mental health issues, this again should be taken as an excuse under the circumstances.

Your personal circumstances are tough but your excuses are pathetic.

It's basic manners to say thank you for a gift.

I think it depends what she means by “a thank you” - quick text, yes ok there would have been time, proper thank you card: I usually haven’t sent these within a week even without all your recent troubles.

She is entitled to her option but it’s kind of sad that this is what she’s spending her time talking to you about, when she presumably knows how much else you have going on, and she could spend the time supporting you. If I were related to someone in your position my phone calls would all be about how your DH/DD was doing, not anything about me at all. It’s her son and granddaughter after all!

You were rude. When your daughter got the voucher you should have called and she should have said thank you then. What you did is very bad mannered in my opinion .

Sorry I think it's rude, I'm sure in those 6 days either you, DH or DD have managed to text friends so I think one of you could have quickly sent a thank you text

@SuzieQQQ did you fail to read that the daughter has very suddenly developed medical and mental health issues? Or are you really devoid of any compassion and empathy?

Honestly, what is the point of these posters preening about the fact they send thank you notes, when they sound like cruel people who must make their family and friends miserable with their lack of kindness. I'd rather mix with kind people than people with so called 'manners' (which are used as an excuse to be vilely rude to a vulnerable woman).

Your problem seems to be simply that you want to show your MIL what was bought with the voucher before you thank her. Take note for the future that you just need to thank her for the voucher and say something to the effect that DD will enjoy choosing her present.

The issue here is not that it didn't happen. As you say, sometimes life takes over and we miss things we should be doing.

The issue is that you think she's in the wrong to be upset about it and that you've done nothing wrong.

It's made worse that you say you'd done many thanks just not her. Why not? Besides your parents, who is more important to thank but you PaIL?

It sounds like you're not keen on them and make it clear that is the case.whstever your feelings, you were wrong and your reaction should have been to apologise and ensure your DD said thank you there and then rather than wasting time writing a thread here and expect strangers to validate your lack of manners.

Personally, I'd never thank the rude, unfeeling woman for anything ever again - I'd rather spend my precious emotional resources on my ill husband and child.

However, it is the husband's mother so it is up to him if he wants to smooth it over or to decide he just doesn't have the emotional headspace for other people's neediness while he deals with his progressively deteriorating health.

did you fail to read that the daughter has very suddenly developed medical and mental health issues? Or are you really devoid of any compassion and empathy?

Nothing wrong with OP thanking PIL on her behalf. A quick text.

When a close relative was seriously ill recently she was sent flowers, cards, messages.
She couldn’t respond so I sent a ‘message to all’ reply - ‘X is comfortable and wants me to let you know how grateful she is for all your thoughts and wishes’.

It took me seconds to send that.

Time to start a long and detailed thread to a completely anonymous crowd

Time to say “thanks for the voucher” to a close family member

oneandzero

This.

Your MIL is a cow for adding to your stress. It may take a few minutes to send a text however I understand the pressures in a house as my DH has a terminal illness and it's exhausting and a birthday thank your text is just another thing that drops off the priority list. Your MIL could have called her own granddaughter on the day. Oh and I don't have a great relationship with my MIL but my DH still manages to text them and call them to thank them. So I would ask that folks focus on the DH here and stop piling on the OP who seems to be responsible for her DH parents too now?! Typical females that see all this crap as 'wife' work no matter what the circumstances.

Rookiemere

Manners, A long way from human kindness.

Indeed.

This thread makes me feel sad.

Funnily enough though there is a mum at school, come across through class parties, she's very quick to jump on people she perceives as rude! But I find her extremely rude!

@picosandsancerre, you seem to have missed the part that MIL raised her disappointment in a conversation with her son, not OP. It was directed at her.

But OP decided to waste time writing a thread to moan instead of just telling her OH that he should have indeed thanked his parents on their DD's behalf.

You are rude. It takes two seconds to send a thank you text.

I voted YANBU, really on the basis that, as she was speaking to her DS, she shouldn’t have completely that he or DD hadn’t sent a thank you text to her. She shouldn’t have brought you into it.

Also, why didn’t she call on your DD’s birthday, especially in view of the difficult time she’s having. My DM and MIL always call on our DDs’ birthdays and they say thank you on the phone (we prompt them to do so if needed), which means that there’s no need to write a thank you text.

Yes, not saying thank you is rude. But complaint about the lack of the text is cringeworthy, especially in the circumstances described by the OP. I would have expected a loving DGM to be more concerned about her DGD’s welfare than the lack of a thank you text.

Why has this got anything to do with the OP. It's NOT her mother it's her MOTHER-IN-LAW. This is between her husband abc his MUM.

Clearly many women think 'wife-work' is the responsibility of women despite all the dozens of threads suggesting otherwise.

I am sad that the OP thinks she should have done anything different to what she did.

All those people who seem to think it's unreasonable to thank someone for a gift, how would you feel if you didn't then receive any in future?

Why has this got anything to do with the OP. It's NOT her mother it's her MOTHER-IN-LAW. This is between her husband abc his MUM.

This weird work some people live in.
I am very fond of my PIL and help them out regularly. Why would I refer everything to my husband just because they are HIS parents?
We are an extended family not some weird divided set up.

And isn’t she also worried about her DS’s health? She’s his mum for goodness sake. Why is she focusing on the lack of manners at all in these circumstances?

Yes, there should have been a thank you text. But I would be hurt at her lack of empathy towards her DS and DGD.

@Ophelia2020

Surely this conversation was between him and his mum? It doesn't sound like she said anything at all to you.

@Ophelia2020 I agree. MIL has rightfully taken it up with her son and not you, so why are you upset, OP? Presumably she is just as worried about his condition as you? Or was her complaint to DH that you didn’t thank her (which would make her unreasonable).

It sounds like a stressful situation and I hope that DD and DH get better

dontdisturbmenow I understand the thread however I am shocked at everyone telling the OP that she has no manners. When as you say the MIL called her DS to complain. I do wonder if the call was complaining about the OP not sending a thank you text? My MIL didn't send me a birthday card as punishment for not sending FIL a birthday card. Nothing to do with me as my DH does his own cards. But I was told that it's woman that are responsible so I wonder if that is why OP is on here as she is being made to feel responsible for the situation.