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Original poster

Advice on what to do about a situation I have got myself in

121 replies

Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:02

Not posted before so be kind to me please
Split from husband of 24 years about 2 years ago, moved out during lockdown. Thought I would look into dating and started online dating, had a few dates, nice enough but no spark. Looked at one guy but a bit boring write up so swiped over. About 10 mins later he messaged and we talked for ages. Anyway met up and well, if there is such a thing as love at first sight, that was it for me. He has come out of a 17 year marriage and is younger than me and dosent know what he is looking for. As time went on chatting he lives in the area I moved from and we know people, I know his neighbours. He dosent like the fact that things are linked and we know people.
He is absolutely everything I am looking for.
I have got myself into a hook up situation which I’m enjoying but I can’t stop thinking about him. The kissing and the sex is amazing. We kiss we cuddle he holds my hand.
We talk a lot. We message a lot, mostly from my end. What has confused me though is that I gave him a lift home the other night because I was out anyway, He was drunk when I dropped him home he said he loved me?
I didn’t mention it the next day. Why would he say that? I don’t know what to do, I’ve never felt this way about anyone not even my husband.

OP posts:
Imbc · 09/10/2020 23:12

How long have you been seeing him?

Original poster
Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:15

Only 3 weeks, I’m just trying to play it all cool and that it’s fine, should I just enjoy it for what it is for now?
Thanks for replying btw

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 23:16

As time went on chatting he lives in the area I moved from and we know people, I know his neighbours. He dosent like the fact that things are linked and we know people.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? He has an issue simply because you know some of the same people? Red flag in my book. Does he have something to hide?

Original poster
Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:18

Well he is still living with his ex, which I did too so can’t really say anything about that. Yeah I thought it a bit weird too if I’m honest

OP posts:
Northofsomewhere · 09/10/2020 23:19

There's a few things that would concern me in this situation. Why doesn't he like things are linked? Surely this happens if you live in the same area and are of a similar age bracket and lifestyle. How one sided in the texting/calling?
Also, it sounds like you're more into him than he is to you, even with the drunk 'i love you'. You need to have a proper honest conversation about where this is going and what you want from it. If your views don't align I'd be reconsidering it if you felt it could hurt in the future. By all means continue enjoying talking and the sex but leave emotions out of it if he doesn't feel the same way and if you can't you need to step back.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 23:20

Well he is still living with his ex, which I did too so can’t really say anything about that. Yeah I thought it a bit weird too if I’m honest

His ex isn't really an ex. Pretty obvious, really.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/10/2020 23:22

Perhaps she is not as much of an 'ex' as a current?

Sorry to rain on your parade but I wouldn't pay heed to a drunken person saying they love me. They also love umbrella stands and passing cats.

I think your own conclusion to enjoy it for what it is, is the right one - but check (for your own sake) the ex-situation on his side so that you are dating somebody actually free.

Original poster
Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:23

Well he said that they haven’t had the “conversation” about dating other people yet.
It’s funny because when you write things down it sounds so bloody stupid and I could even be the ow, which is not something I would ever do.
I’m a very caring person and don’t know if I can stop my emotions if he dosent want more than what is happening

OP posts:
Original poster
Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:25

How do you know an ex is not an ex though because I had to live with mine for 2 years before I got a place. I think you are all probably telling me the right thing though, just hard to hear it

OP posts:
AriettyHomily · 09/10/2020 23:26

Woah, he's taking you literally for a ride and you've fallen for it.

Just calm it down.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 23:27

Well he said that they haven’t had the “conversation” about dating other people yet.
It’s funny because when you write things down it sounds so bloody stupid and I could even be the ow, which is not something I would ever do.
I’m a very caring person and don’t know if I can stop my emotions if he dosent want more than what is happening

Good grief, op. Honestly, the writing is on the wall.

YOU ARE THE OW.

If this is truly not something you want to be, you need to end it. Now. He is cheating on his wife, and he would cheat on you, too. He has probably played this pathetic game many times before you fell into his trap.

AmIACowBag · 09/10/2020 23:27

You are being messed around OP. Don't put your trust in this one.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 23:27

you don't* want to be

HollowTalk · 09/10/2020 23:28

His ex doesn't know she's his ex, does she?

Original poster
Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:28

A good ride though 😂 been a long time
How the hell can you tell with online dating who is telling you the truth and who isn’t. I don’t really go out to meet people

OP posts:
Atalune · 09/10/2020 23:29

You’re being taken for a fool. I’m sorry 😔

Northofsomewhere · 09/10/2020 23:29

Reading back, I think you've answered my question about where this is going in your op. He doesn't know what he wants - if he is single he probably just wants to play the field. Especially if his split is so recent that they haven't even discussed dating other people. He's enjoying your company but doesn't see it going anywhere.
By the sounds of it you already know what you're going to do but know it's gonna be difficult. I do believe that if he feels the same connection you do that after some time (it's taken you 2 years to start wanting to date seriously again) he would approach you again.

AestheticWitch · 09/10/2020 23:29

You need to protect yourself OP, until he's free, which he doesn't seem to be if they are still living together. He may never be.

Original poster
Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:32

Just feel a bit stupid and gutted. Going to stop it from today

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 09/10/2020 23:34

I think the fact he doesn’t like that you have mutual acquaintances is a massive sign that his wife might not know she’s single!

I was dating when still living with my XH. I didn’t have to prove anything, but if my date had any concerns, I could have shown him my divorce petition I suppose!

Where did you actually drop him, when you dropped him home?

I wouldn’t date someone that I couldn’t pick up / drop off at their door, for a start.

There’s a lot to think about - whether he’s single, whether you can just enjoy the sex and attention or if you’re going to get hurt as you know you want more*, honestly - I think a drunken I love you is just pissed up crap and not worth thinking about.

*I think that if you want to properly date someone, it’s not often a successful route into that to accept being a casual hook up. No moral judgement, I’ve enjoyed the latter. But don’t hang on hoping it’ll morph into more. It could do... but that really isn’t the way it usually goes.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 23:34

Don't beat yourself up too much, but you do need to admit that you ignored several, very obvious red flags. Don't ignore them again. You don't want to be mixed up with the likes of him. He's nothing but a cheat and a liar.

CherryPieface · 09/10/2020 23:35

I’m really sorry, but this sounds too good to be true OP. Move on and find someone decent.

Original poster
Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:38

Yeah I dropped him to his door. I think I will get hurt if I carry on because he so say is newly single. I would be absolutely mortified if he is cheating on his wife. I cannot stand cheaters

OP posts:
Original poster
Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:39

I’m annoyed with myself because I’ve done the freedom programme and thought I was pretty cluded up with the red flags

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 23:39

He's cheating, and I think you know it.