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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice on what to do about a situation I have got myself in

121 replies

Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:02

Not posted before so be kind to me please
Split from husband of 24 years about 2 years ago, moved out during lockdown. Thought I would look into dating and started online dating, had a few dates, nice enough but no spark. Looked at one guy but a bit boring write up so swiped over. About 10 mins later he messaged and we talked for ages. Anyway met up and well, if there is such a thing as love at first sight, that was it for me. He has come out of a 17 year marriage and is younger than me and dosent know what he is looking for. As time went on chatting he lives in the area I moved from and we know people, I know his neighbours. He dosent like the fact that things are linked and we know people.
He is absolutely everything I am looking for.
I have got myself into a hook up situation which I’m enjoying but I can’t stop thinking about him. The kissing and the sex is amazing. We kiss we cuddle he holds my hand.
We talk a lot. We message a lot, mostly from my end. What has confused me though is that I gave him a lift home the other night because I was out anyway, He was drunk when I dropped him home he said he loved me?
I didn’t mention it the next day. Why would he say that? I don’t know what to do, I’ve never felt this way about anyone not even my husband.

OP posts:

JamminDoughnuts · 10/10/2020 11:21

so you have only been meeting in your house or for walks?
i missed that bit
but you have ended it,
at least you enjoyed the sex

category12 · 10/10/2020 11:22

Sounds even more like he was cheating.

I don't think you should let it put you off OLD, but you really need to remember the D is for Dating, not shagging in cars.

2bazookas · 10/10/2020 11:23

@Aquamarine1029

Well he is still living with his ex, which I did too so can’t really say anything about that. Yeah I thought it a bit weird too if I’m honest

His ex isn't really an ex. Pretty obvious, really.

the reason he's dismayed to find you know his neighbours, is because they will tell you the truth about him and his wife, children, serial affairs, criminal record, MH issues, etc etc etc.

He knows it can't last. Drunken I love you is just to hold you there for a few more shags.

SlightlyJaded · 10/10/2020 11:25

I just want to say that you have behaved with utter integrity and dignity. Which is REALLY hard when you are full of lust and just out of a 24 year marriage and 2 year hiatus.

The right one will come along.

Original poster

Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 11:27

category12 Yes must remember that Dating bit 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 11:30

SlightlyJaded
That is a really nice thing to say, thank you for taking the time to write that.
I really hope so, I have a lot of love to offer the right person, it’s just finding someone.

OP posts:

Howlooseisyourgoose · 10/10/2020 12:08

I think he has had sex with on false pretences. Are you not angry? I would be raging. If this wasn't just a hook-up arrangement I would text him:

'On second thought, I'm really fucking mad that you pretended to be single when you are clearly still with your wife. You're a douchebag and crap in the sack. Fuck off forever.'

Howlooseisyourgoose · 10/10/2020 12:08

*pretenses

dottiedodah · 10/10/2020 12:19

I think he may be stringing you along Im afraid!Why is he so concerned about mutual Friends /Neighbours knowing about it? If he is still living with his wife then thats a bad sign .Many men will say anything for sex sadly (hoping Im wrong here)! As others have said, he sounds like he could still be married ,or just seeing who/what is out there ? I would tread carefully .This is often how Affairs start ,Girls meet a guy and too latr realise he is not avaliable !

LovePoppy · 10/10/2020 12:29

I’m sorry OP, sounds like ex is not an ex

Okayokayok · 10/10/2020 12:29

He doesn't want you to know his neighbours because he's cheating on his partner with you. The end.

Original poster

Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 12:56

As stated above, I have ended it so I don’t get hurt and no one else will through my actions. His reply back said it all really

OP posts:

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/10/2020 13:57

@Kat2000

If I were you I'd hide this thread now. Otherwise you're going to get a lot of replies where the poster hasn't bothered to read the thread or even your updates and are going to tell you to end it even though you've said clearly that you already have and he's replied. Then you're going to feel that you have to keep explaining yourself over and over again.

It's going to be another 'cancel the cheque' thread - if you don't know that one I'll explain .

Original poster

Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 14:00

No I don’t know that one explain

OP posts:

Unsure33 · 10/10/2020 14:20

Why would he ask you to drop him off at his door if he was cheating?

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/10/2020 14:49

@Kat2000

Someone started a thread about a wedding she'd been to where the bride and groom - after the wedding - were getting very demanding and expecting more favours. The OP said in her first post that she's already contributed a gift in the form of a cheque and didn't feel like giving any more, so she asked was she being unreasonable.

Though not in the first post, the OP - on only the first or second page of the thread - clarified that the cheque had already been cashed by the B&G. Yet the thread got to 1,000 posts and approximately 600 of those were from people who hadn't read the whole thread, not even just the OP's updates, and kept on posting simply 'cancel the cheque'. It got to the point where, for those of us who actually did read the thread, it stopped being frustrating and almost got funny to see how many posters thought their input was (a) valuable and (b) so unique that after 700 or so posts on the thread, no-one else could possibly have thought of it already (even if it had been relevant).

'Cancel the cheque' has become a byword for threads where posters don't bother to find out how things have progressed but are determined to share their insight and wisdom.

The cheque thread was a comparatively unimportant topic in the great scheme of things. However this is about something serious in your life and you're still hurting. You don't want to have to deal with a lot of plonkers continuing to tell you to leave him .

Original poster

Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 14:53

Ah ok thanks for that, I do read things on here and wonder why people don’t read the thread and then repeat the same things as others. So What do I need to do to hide it or whatever?

OP posts:

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/10/2020 14:57

Right at the top of the page, above your OP but below where it says
Talk >> AIBU?, there are a number of options, one of which is 'Hide this thread'.

Original poster

Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 15:15

Cheers for that, done it now

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 10/10/2020 15:26

@Aquamarine1029

As time went on chatting he lives in the area I moved from and we know people, I know his neighbours. He dosent like the fact that things are linked and we know people.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? He has an issue simply because you know some of the same people? Red flag in my book. Does he have something to hide?

^^ this. I think he’s still with his wife... Plus three weeks!!!! He told he loved you because he was drunk i expect.

It may all be above board, true love and maybe you guys will be together eventually, but I’d be very wary so be careful if you are likely to get hurt.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/10/2020 15:55

Kat, I don't think you should feel down.
You met someone you liked and had 3 nice weeks, but who wasn't right for you so you ended it nicely. He replied nicely.
You handled this well and I think you should feel optimistic about the future because you are now wiser about what you want and don't want, which in a way is the object of "dating" at the end of the day.

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