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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice on what to do about a situation I have got myself in

121 replies

Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:02

Not posted before so be kind to me please
Split from husband of 24 years about 2 years ago, moved out during lockdown. Thought I would look into dating and started online dating, had a few dates, nice enough but no spark. Looked at one guy but a bit boring write up so swiped over. About 10 mins later he messaged and we talked for ages. Anyway met up and well, if there is such a thing as love at first sight, that was it for me. He has come out of a 17 year marriage and is younger than me and dosent know what he is looking for. As time went on chatting he lives in the area I moved from and we know people, I know his neighbours. He dosent like the fact that things are linked and we know people.
He is absolutely everything I am looking for.
I have got myself into a hook up situation which I’m enjoying but I can’t stop thinking about him. The kissing and the sex is amazing. We kiss we cuddle he holds my hand.
We talk a lot. We message a lot, mostly from my end. What has confused me though is that I gave him a lift home the other night because I was out anyway, He was drunk when I dropped him home he said he loved me?
I didn’t mention it the next day. Why would he say that? I don’t know what to do, I’ve never felt this way about anyone not even my husband.

OP posts:

Beefcurtains79 · 10/10/2020 09:23

Each to their own but if it feels good and mutual why the hell not? As good as happened with me now im 4 and a half years happily down the line 16month old our own house and still got a bloody fantastic sex life may I add. 29 when I met him I was working in a bar instantly clicked felt it was meant to be and were hanging out every other day moved in at his parents by 9 month so far so good for me if it's something u want dont hesitate to ask directly find out things your not sure about. If u can't simply ask a bit of fun some questions that might hit home and shake the boat a bit you never will!xxx

Jesus Christ.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/10/2020 09:33

Even if he isn't cheating, I would still be worried.

You've fallen VERY hard, VERY fast, and in only three weeks you are barely in a position to know whether he takes sugar in his tea and prefers cats to dogs, let alone whether he is the love of your life.

You need to slow right down. A lot. Because otherwise I fear you falling in love with every possessor of a penis who tells you he loves you.

Live alone for a bit. Learn to enjoy your own company and THEN go looking for a man (this one might still be available...)

Saggyoldsofa · 10/10/2020 09:47

Meh. I dont think he is necessarily cheating. The lockdown has brought about lots of divorces and lots of unhappy ongoing cohabitation. I was in this position, didnt work out with the new guy but I certainly was not cheating on my ex. The mutual connections I'm also on the fence about because I wouldnt have wanted ex to hear people discussing my new love life. And very definitely not my children. Not because I was doing anything wrong but because I wouldnt choose to tell him or them about any partner until it was an established relationship.

However, the not knowing what he wants guff is much more concerning and for that alone I'd back off.

GabsAlot · 10/10/2020 10:08

why is he definitely cheating-op lived with her ex for 2 years

yes it seems very new and quick but no automatically cheating

JinglingHellsBells · 10/10/2020 10:08

I think you should back off but not necessarily because he MAY be cheating. I know there is a temptation here for MNers to say that but he may be genuine.

However, what is worrying is that he is not really out of his marriage. They are still together and unlike you have not really separated. Even if this doesn't make you the OW it makes him a man who has not had any headspace to get over the end of his 17 yr old marriage, find his feet, and work through his emotions.

It's very easy for men to have great non-emotional sex and women think they love them (and vice versa, I accept.)

You just need to step back.

Rather than end it, I'd say cool it and tell him you'd be happy to see him once his DW knows that he is seeing other women now.

oakleaffy · 10/10/2020 10:09

@Aquamarine1029

Well he is still living with his ex, which I did too so can’t really say anything about that. Yeah I thought it a bit weird too if I’m honest

His ex isn't really an ex. Pretty obvious, really.

Woman I know , recently separated, DC, met a

41, single, no children Man.

He is 51, Married. Older DC lives with his wife

He said My wife and I live on separate floors we haven't had sex in 10 years

Men lie.....OP, the fact he is spooked by you knowing similar people, neighbours does not bode well for him being a truthful man..

Henio · 10/10/2020 10:10

Have you done any internet stalking on him?

Jeremyironseverything · 10/10/2020 10:14

You should have had a proper conversation before you called it off. But it does sound as if he's not yet ready for something serious.

S111n20 · 10/10/2020 10:26

Did he reply op 💐

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/10/2020 10:28

He's possibly lying - but personally I'd seek actual proof.

dontdisturbmenow · 10/10/2020 10:48

You come across as very extreme with your emotions.

Going from He is absolutely everything I am looking for about someone you've know for 3 weeks, to deciding that he is definitely cheating and not worth spending any time with because of strangers views on a forum, this doesn't come across as you being very stable emotionally.

You can fall in love at first sight, I did and have been happily married for 10 years, but you have to take things slow.

If I were you, I would have been gently investigating. Asking more questions, and yes, going to say hello to the neighbours with a guess what 'i'm dating your neighbour, isn't it a coincidence'.

anon2334 · 10/10/2020 10:52

. He was drunk and said I love you?! Lol how old are you? Seriously that’s teenage stuff and he is pulling a blinder over you

Original poster

Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 10:54

So I was so worried after some of the comments on here. I know it’s from people I don’t know but hey. I sent a really nice message about enjoying our time together etc but after waiting 2 years after my marriage ended I would like to properly date, all we have been doing is meeting up in my car or my house once when my kids weren’t home. Sounds horribly sleazy writing it down.
He wrote back thanking me for my honest message and that I deserve to go on proper dates and wished me all the best, which I had said to him.
I think it was right because I want more than he can offer at this time and how long do you wait for someone to be free.
Feel crap about it today though.
Lessons definitely have been learned and i can’t be falling like that so quickly again.
Thank you all for replying.

OP posts:

JinglingHellsBells · 10/10/2020 11:02

So sorry OP but that says it all.

I thought you were going on dates.

Sex in your car or at your house means he was never seen out with you. I wonder why that was? No evidence, obviously.

The fact he's agreed not to see you so easily also shows he wasn't up for a relationship- just the sex.

As posters love to say here 'Give your head a wobble'.

Take is slower.

Original poster

Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 11:02

Dontdisturbemeknow
Yeah I think I agree about my emotions I’ve been a bit weird lately, might be my hormones
When I say everything I’m looking for, so it was looks, personality, we liked the same music, going to the same festivals, our parents were from the same country (Not England) so we could chat about how we were bought up, very similar. Family being a big part of that and what you believe in.

OP posts:

dontdisturbmenow · 10/10/2020 11:06

So what it was is he showed potential, but that potential.dudnt materialised.

His response says it all,most likely happily married indeed. As you've said, lesson learnt. Massive gap between potential for a serious relationship and enjoying the relationship but don't despair, it happens.

Original poster

Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 11:06

JinglingHellsBells
Yes I think it does say it all dosent it.
Yeah I know I’ve been an idiot thinking back especially not going out for a drink or anything like I had with previous men I had met from online dating. We went for a walk in the country instead, which was lovely but now thinking about it, it was so we weren’t seen.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 10/10/2020 11:08

I was ready to say that I think you should do a bit of digging before you ended it all but if he's walked away so readily and hasn't reassured you that you can start dating properly then I think he was pulling a fast one. Sorry

friendlycat · 10/10/2020 11:10

OP you really needed to have a proper conversation with him. I hope he contacts you to see if you can sort this out. It sounds as though it all went full on too soon.
He let you give him a lift home that surely he wouldn’t have done if you were the OW. You know mutual people which would also be a huge risk. Both of you seem to have jumped in head first instead of taking things slowly. I hope he gives you the chance to sort this out and talk things through. Just like you’ve jumped straight into this relationship, you’ve also jumped to conclusions from anonymous people on MN telling you he’s still with his wife when that may not be the case at all. You need to take things at a slower pace. Good luck.

Original poster

Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 11:12

rainbowstardrops
Although it’s not nice the way I’m feeling this morning i think I’ve done the right thing and he clearly wasn’t that into me otherwise his response would have been different

OP posts:

lockdownalli · 10/10/2020 11:13

@Kat2000

I was about your age and two years post split from husband when I met a bloke and fell head over heels. I actually had butterflies in my stomach when we kissed, or even if I thought of him. It was like being a teenager again. It all ended badly (he was still in love with his ex.)

However, with hindsight, I can see I was peri menopausal and my hormones were running rampant - hence the "feeling like a teenager." I tolerated a situation that sensible me would never have put up with and got ridiculously caught up in it.

Truthfully, although the relationship only lasted a few months, it hurt me really badly and it took years to recover. Be kind to yourself.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 11:13

Op. I mean this gently but how did you get yourself into a situation where there was no dates but you met this random guy in your car or home for sex and didn’t see each other publicly?

The fact he put up no fight here and simply admitted he wouldn’t date you indicates he was just cheating. He wasn’t becoming free.

I honestly think you need to look at your boundaries and understand what you’re looking for. Is it a relationship? Because if it is, then if a man won’t date you or just meets you in your car or comes to your house for sex then you can place good money that something is desperately wrong.

Original poster

Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 11:15

Friendlycat
I don’t think he will be contacting me again.
Yes it did go a bit full on too soon, nothing that I didn’t want though, just to be clear.
Probably just lust.
I will make sure I take it much slower if I do this again but it has put me off a bit of online dating

OP posts:

friendlycat · 10/10/2020 11:16

Ok I’ve just seen your update. Places things somewhat differently now. Yes you do deserve spending proper time with someone and doing normal things.
Sorry you’re upset but in time you will feel better about this.

ArsenicNLace · 10/10/2020 11:17

'he doesn't know what he wants'

Oh yes he does. He just wants a FWB situation & yes I don't think the 'ex' is an 'ex'.

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