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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice on what to do about a situation I have got myself in

121 replies

Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:02

Not posted before so be kind to me please
Split from husband of 24 years about 2 years ago, moved out during lockdown. Thought I would look into dating and started online dating, had a few dates, nice enough but no spark. Looked at one guy but a bit boring write up so swiped over. About 10 mins later he messaged and we talked for ages. Anyway met up and well, if there is such a thing as love at first sight, that was it for me. He has come out of a 17 year marriage and is younger than me and dosent know what he is looking for. As time went on chatting he lives in the area I moved from and we know people, I know his neighbours. He dosent like the fact that things are linked and we know people.
He is absolutely everything I am looking for.
I have got myself into a hook up situation which I’m enjoying but I can’t stop thinking about him. The kissing and the sex is amazing. We kiss we cuddle he holds my hand.
We talk a lot. We message a lot, mostly from my end. What has confused me though is that I gave him a lift home the other night because I was out anyway, He was drunk when I dropped him home he said he loved me?
I didn’t mention it the next day. Why would he say that? I don’t know what to do, I’ve never felt this way about anyone not even my husband.

OP posts:
TenShortStories · 09/10/2020 23:40

If he'd properly split with her there wouldn't need to be a 'conversation' about seeing other people because they'd both be single.

If they're living together he may want to be considerate to her and let her know that he's started seeing you, but that's different to the special preemptive conversation that he's fobbed you off with.

I'm sorry, sounds gutting.Flowers

Original poster
Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:40

No I truly didn’t think he was/is cheating

OP posts:
Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 09/10/2020 23:41

@Kat2000 sorry I think you are the ow. Good luck

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 23:42

No I truly didn’t think he was/is cheating

Given that it's only been 3 weeks, I don't think too much critical thinking has been utilised. You've been giddy with your head in the clouds and blinded by good sex. It happens.

category12 · 09/10/2020 23:45

You know drunk people say I lurrrve you to everyone, right?

Original poster
Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:46

Bloody hell im well pissed off now, I’ve met so many men over the years and slept with loads and none have been like him. Can you ever find the same again?? How do you find decent men these days?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:49

category12 That is funny, i know it’s stupid and even more so after I wrote it

OP posts:
BudgieHammockBananaSmuggler · 10/10/2020 00:00

Sorry am feeling really naive here but, why is it so obvious that he is cheating etc. If I was moving out of a marriage I don’t think I would be so happy about having mutual connections from the past. Would feel quite weird. And he has already said he is living with his “ex” which is more honest than other who would deny any connection with a current/recent partner. What am I missing?

PatriciaPerch · 10/10/2020 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 00:04

BudgieHammockBananaSmuggler
Well I wouldn’t of thought he would of told me that either, he told me this before I knew where he lived

OP posts:
Original poster
Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 00:07

PatriciaPerch
I think you are probably spot on.
Thing is I’ve been offered sex from much younger guys but that’s not what I was looking for and now have and my own fault ended up in this situation. Which is ended from now. I’m 47 btw

OP posts:
category12 · 10/10/2020 00:08

Not wanting to have mutual connections is suspicious because it probably means he's lying and his cheating would come out.

Original poster
Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 00:11

Category12
Omg I really hope that you are wrong. I suppose there are so many out there

OP posts:
category12 · 10/10/2020 00:18

He's living with his "ex" Hmm
He said that they haven’t had the “conversation” about dating other people yet Hmm
He's bloody weird about having mutual connections = he's telling porkies and they'll blow his cover.

Kandinsko · 10/10/2020 00:26

I disagree with previous posters – you can speculate about the nature of his relationship with his ex but as you say OP, you were in exactly the same position yourself so it’s not beyond the realms of possibility.

It also makes sense to me that under those circumstances he’d want to have a conversation with her about the fact he’s now dating someone else.

I would proceed with caution OP as of course it may well turn out he’s been dishonest, however don’t just assume and cut off the possibility of what could be a genuine connection.

Also disagree with someone above who said a ‘hookup’ isn’t likely to lead to a relationship. Not my experience at all. Isn’t that how relationships start?! Confused

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/10/2020 00:27

I’d find out for sure before ending things. Ask around. Those mutual connections will at least know whether they are split or not and what they think about his character.

Yes, not liking mutual connections is a red flag, it could be cheating OR it could be a bitter ex badmouthing him that he doesn’t want to get to OP and ruin things OR the ex could be a nice woman like you and he could be bad news.

You need to do a bit of digging and see if this is too good to be true or if you’ve had a bit of luck.

Cocomarine · 10/10/2020 00:29

@BudgieHammockBananaSmuggler

Sorry am feeling really naive here but, why is it so obvious that he is cheating etc. If I was moving out of a marriage I don’t think I would be so happy about having mutual connections from the past. Would feel quite weird. And he has already said he is living with his “ex” which is more honest than other who would deny any connection with a current/recent partner. What am I missing?
Admitting to living with an ex isn’t a guaranteed sign of honesty.

If you’re cheating, then you can’t bring the person inside your house.

So you:

  • admit your live with your ex
  • say you haven’t had the talk about dating yet
  • say you’ve had the talk but it’s not fair to rub her nose in it
  • say she knows you’re dating, but really having you actually in the house would be awkward, right?
BrummyMum1 · 10/10/2020 00:31

You need to be guarded when it comes to online dating as it’s easy to get swept up in lust and romance and not all guys are legitimate. This guy might be a totally normal nice guy, but you need to take your time finding out and be cautious.

Original poster
Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 00:39

Thank you so much for all your replies, it’s a lot to think about really but my only concern would be if he was still in the relationship I couldn’t do that to another woman. So I might try and find out but not sure how to. If I bought up his name out or the blue it would probably be weird and outing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 00:41

BrummyMum1
Yes you just don’t know what is the truth. Surely me knowing his neighbour he would never have met me though if he was cheating surely?

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 10/10/2020 00:43

Admitting to living with an ex isn’t a guaranteed sign of honesty

No one is saying that. We’re just questioning why some are treating it as a guaranteed sign of dishonesty. It wasn’t in OPs case.
Red flags represent things to be investigated or monitored, not iron clad proof of something.

OhCaptain · 10/10/2020 00:43

Three weeks??

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/10/2020 00:52

@Kat2000

BrummyMum1 Yes you just don’t know what is the truth. Surely me knowing his neighbour he would never have met me though if he was cheating surely?
I think him knowing that you know his neighbour would make it less likely for him to be seeing you if he were cheating. The risk would be too great that he’d be caught. When did he find out you had mutual connections? First date? Or Yesterday? Because this would only apply if he knew from the start. If he’s just recently realised after weeks of sex that you have mutual connections, then I’m afraid it’s more likely cheating is happening.
Original poster
Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 00:53

OhCaptain
I know 3 weeks, sounds pathetic, how long should it take to like someone?
I’ve got 6 brothers so you can probably imagine how many men I have met over the years, surely when you get on with someone you just do. It’s probably just lust 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 00:55

PlanDeRaccordement
He knew before we met up

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