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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice on what to do about a situation I have got myself in

121 replies

Kat2000 · 09/10/2020 23:02

Not posted before so be kind to me please
Split from husband of 24 years about 2 years ago, moved out during lockdown. Thought I would look into dating and started online dating, had a few dates, nice enough but no spark. Looked at one guy but a bit boring write up so swiped over. About 10 mins later he messaged and we talked for ages. Anyway met up and well, if there is such a thing as love at first sight, that was it for me. He has come out of a 17 year marriage and is younger than me and dosent know what he is looking for. As time went on chatting he lives in the area I moved from and we know people, I know his neighbours. He dosent like the fact that things are linked and we know people.
He is absolutely everything I am looking for.
I have got myself into a hook up situation which I’m enjoying but I can’t stop thinking about him. The kissing and the sex is amazing. We kiss we cuddle he holds my hand.
We talk a lot. We message a lot, mostly from my end. What has confused me though is that I gave him a lift home the other night because I was out anyway, He was drunk when I dropped him home he said he loved me?
I didn’t mention it the next day. Why would he say that? I don’t know what to do, I’ve never felt this way about anyone not even my husband.

OP posts:

Leaannb · 10/10/2020 01:19

@Kat2000

How do you know an ex is not an ex though because I had to live with mine for 2 years before I got a place. I think you are all probably telling me the right thing though, just hard to hear it

He told u ou that they haven't had the conversation yet... They are still together

Leaannb · 10/10/2020 01:21

@BudgieHammockBananaSmuggler

Sorry am feeling really naive here but, why is it so obvious that he is cheating etc. If I was moving out of a marriage I don’t think I would be so happy about having mutual connections from the past. Would feel quite weird. And he has already said he is living with his “ex” which is more honest than other who would deny any connection with a current/recent partner. What am I missing?

Because the people they know in common could tell his wife he is cheating

expat101 · 10/10/2020 01:26

I would contact one of the mutual friends and tell them what has happened and your concerns. Better to do it earlier in the picture than not at all, because it will all come out anyhow, esp. if the wife catches you/him or reads messages (as per other threads on MN).

As others have said, its only 3 weeks but if you let it go longer, now you suspect, it's not going to be very pleasant for you.

At the end of the day, if they are separated, then the mutual friend will confirm such and everything will be ok again. :)

Good luck!

DisorganisedPurpose · 10/10/2020 01:28

Don't end the relationship because he could well be being honest. Just take it easy, it is early days. You could ask him to let the ex know he is dating now.

123ddmc · 10/10/2020 01:34

Love it 😍 go for it gallll!! Love hits u when ur least expecting and it if it feels good have u anything to loose?? Maybe he's swirling with the emotions and nervous as to what on earth is going on! And quick ...Hence the reason he says that when he was drunk and nervous yous know people in common! It is a big deal falling in love 😍. He can't be cheati g on a wife or partner right cause you ran him home you know his neighbours. Bloody go for it chick if it's fun feels right go full throttle🤣 you deserve it and if say it did go tits up you've been their before and got over it you will again. Have fun enjoy it life any go for it if it feels right for you and makes you feel good !!

TheGirlWithAPrince · 10/10/2020 01:45

I don't think this he's cheating tbh.
I'd find out for sure but if he is then he's stupid

1forAll74 · 10/10/2020 01:46

Three weeks, you can't get the measure of a man in this short time, especially one off a dating site.

GoldfishParade · 10/10/2020 01:53

I dont think hes cheating. Dont let strangers on a forum potentially spoil a relationship. Ask him directly and stay observant

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2020 01:55

Quite possibly the worst advice ever.

123ddmc · 10/10/2020 01:56

Each to their own but if it feels good and mutual why the hell not? As good as happened with me now im 4 and a half years happily down the line 16month old our own house and still got a bloody fantastic sex life may I add. 29 when I met him I was working in a bar instantly clicked felt it was meant to be and were hanging out every other day moved in at his parents by 9 month so far so good for me if it's something u want dont hesitate to ask directly find out things your not sure about. If u can't simply ask a bit of fun some questions that might hit home and shake the boat a bit you never will!xxx

Original poster

Kat2000 · 10/10/2020 01:56

So many mixed messages on here. Probably stupid I know but sent a message and called it all off. I can’t risk being the ow. Not when people know me, there is no way I want to be talked about if he is cheating. His poor wife and kids if he is.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. So many for my first time posting too. Love to you all have a great weekend in these crazy times xx

OP posts:

footprintsintheslow · 10/10/2020 02:22

I would talk to the mutual acquaintances. You owe him nothing and if it does out him him for cheating so be it. He deserves it.

JamminDoughnuts · 10/10/2020 04:32

i cant see the issue?
he was drunk and said he loved you after you gave him a lift home.

why does that mean he is cheating?
just enjoy it, its hormones op. endorphins

Imworthit · 10/10/2020 06:47

We haven't had the chat about seeing other people — then he isn't single is he? Your dumped pretty much translates to I'm seeing other people.

mummyof2lou · 10/10/2020 06:58

I disagree. I'm separating at the moment but we still live together. No discussion about seeing other people as it would feel very insensitive. So I don't think you are OW. I think he doesn't want to be insensitive to his ex if it's very recent

scatteredglitter · 10/10/2020 07:32

I would have concerns about how someone measured love and the value they placed on it when they throw the word about so glibly

Runningdownthathill · 10/10/2020 07:40

He should have finished his previous relationship and moved out before seeing someone else. Also three weeks is nothing. You seem to have got very intense very quickly with a man who is still living with his ex and probably not over her. If he isn’t cheating. All far too much far too quickly.

Buggedandconfused · 10/10/2020 07:49

You are definitely done the right thing OP. I NEVER date anyone who doesn’t know what they want or just out of a marriage... there is too much potential for heartbreak for you.

Also not liking that you both know the same people... that should be a delightful discovery for you both!

As for the ‘I love you’ ... he’s all over the place isn’t he?

I’ve found that no amount of amazing sex makes up for the devastating heartbreak or anxiety about when/if they will end things due to ‘not being sure’.

GoldfishParade · 10/10/2020 08:20

Jesus christ. I cant believe you started this with a guy you really really liked, living in th8exact same circumstances you lived in, who says he loves you, and you end up dumping him because of people on MN who are just trying to liven up their Friday night.
Sad.

eenymeenyminyme · 10/10/2020 08:27

It would have been fairer to ask the questions of him rather than the late night MN drama brigade, surely?

shesgonebatshitagain · 10/10/2020 08:32

I don’t know why you didn’t just ask him outright. you’re a grown woman and it doesn’t look needy it is what a sensible adult who didn’t want to be implicated in wrecking someone else’s life would have demanded to know.

Friendsoftheearth · 10/10/2020 08:55

He dosent like the fact that things are linked and we know people

He is still happily married.

Run for the hills op - good luck!

Kandinsko · 10/10/2020 08:58

@GoldfishParade @eenymeenyminyme

Yep

slashlover · 10/10/2020 09:06

If you've only known him three weeks then how much time have you actually spent together? Is it every day? It is once per week?

FrizzyHairMalarkey · 10/10/2020 09:13

You can always tell him that you have enjoyed your time with him but that it is too complicated that he is still living with his partner, so when he has a place of his own and is totally out of the relationship, then to get back in touch. If he's genuine then you have the chance to go further with the relationship happy knowing that he is single and if he never gets round to leaving the joint home, then you have your answer and your dignity!

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