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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not understand getting marrying years after having kids and living together

380 replies

Lcats · 09/10/2020 17:47

What I really mean here is please help me understand. I just have never been exposed to this in real life. However I keep coming across such threads on mumsnet.

What I don't understand is - surely raising your child(ren) together is the ultimate commitment. So for people who marry say five years after having two children - does it nevertheless signify a new step in the relationship? Or is it merely a delayed celebration of the fact that you are already de facto married?

Among my friends those to whom being married mattered for whatever reason married before having kids, or after falling pregnant or having their first child. I have a few friends to whom being married never seemed to matter so they live together for years without. So I have no one to ask in everyday life.

OP posts:

What2do2 · 09/10/2020 17:49

The legal side is extremely important particularly post children. I can’t get over how some people don’t see this

Bonniface · 09/10/2020 17:50

There are specific legal and financial consequences to marriage. Women in particular are usually much more financially protected and secure if they’re married, especially if they have children and have taken time off work to care for them. Having children without being married makes you vulnerable (unless you’re the breadwinner).

Calligraphy572 · 09/10/2020 17:51

I feel certain that if you really thought about this, you could make a list of at least 5 really solid and persuasive and important reasons. And if you honestly can't, I don't think the internet can help you.

june2007 · 09/10/2020 17:51

Some poeple wait because of financial reasons. Some are a bit hesitant fdue to previouse experience.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 09/10/2020 17:52

Are you asking in relation to yourself, I.e. are you in a king term relationship but not a marriage?

And yes, as What2do2 says, marriage provides important legal protection (property, pension etc).

emptyshelvesagain · 09/10/2020 17:52

Does it actually matter?

You seem to place your thoughts upon commitment level with no thought to any other variable involved when deciding if and when marriage and/children should take place during a relationship.

daisypond · 09/10/2020 17:52

Because of the legal and financial side. It’s why I got married after 20 years together and three DC.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 09/10/2020 17:52

*long term not king term

HollowTalk · 09/10/2020 17:53

Marriage is a legal contract. You become each other's next of kin. You inherit each other's property even though a will might not be written. A parent has an automatic right to be with their children if the other parent dies.

As women are typically less well off than men, having given up years of their careers to bring up children - this affects not just their bank balance but also their pensions and promotion opportunities - it's usually in their interest to be married.

Imagine this. A couple have 3 children. The woman takes 6 years off work for childcare and then works part-time until the youngest is in secondary school, because childcare for 3 is so expensive. They stay together until the youngest is 18.

Then the man ends the relationship. His career has done well. He has a great pension. He may have savings in his own account.

The woman has no pension, or a really bad one. She has no savings as she's used her money for the extras that the children needed. Her career is basically screwed.

Is this fair? Can you see why a decent man would want to protect his partner, legally and financially? Can you see why a woman would realise just how vulnerable she was and try to protect herself?

JuniLoolaPalooza · 09/10/2020 17:54

I'll bite.
No interest in a wedding and all the palaver it would like the legal security. We'll get round to it at some point. Don't spend much of my time worrying about things as I'm reasonably financially independent from DP if he fucks off.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2020 17:55

I think it's normally the legal side of things.

I understand even less why women (and it nearly always is women), have children on the promise that one day the man will marry them.

There are so many threads on MN where the man has gone off the idea. No wonder really, since at that point they have everything they want without the legal obligations.

fishywaters · 09/10/2020 17:56

Financial and legal protection not to mention inheritance tax if you live in an expensive area. Otherwise you can be forced to sell your house to pay the taxman when your spouse dies.

DowntonCrabby · 09/10/2020 17:57

I did it but I don’t expect everyone to “understand” my choices in life.

Everyone will surely have a different explanation. You don’t really need to understand something that doesn’t affect you.

CremeEggThief · 09/10/2020 17:57

Honestly, in some cases I think it's an attempt to save a failing relationship. I have heard and read about quite a few relationships where the couple have married after being together years and having as many as 5 or 6 kids, only for the marriage to break down after a year or two.

RuggerHug · 09/10/2020 17:58

Because if one of you is hit by a bus you're legally nothing to each other.

ShalomToYouJackie · 09/10/2020 17:59

Me and DP live together and I'm pregnant and we aren't married. Although we both have no doubts about our commitment and love to, we both agreed we would get married in a few years for the legal and financial benefits.

riotlady · 09/10/2020 18:00

Legal benefits, wanting to celebrate their relationship and family, not having enough money previously to have the day they want, life getting in the way, lots of reasons!

I’ll be getting married next year when DD will be 3. Marriage has always been important to me and didn’t stop being important when she was born- in fact it’s even more now. But she was an accident and we didn’t want to have a rushed engagement and wedding while I was pregnant so we waited.

oopsiedaisy2 · 09/10/2020 18:02

Well except every Tom dick and Harry constantly asks you as they see a reason you should be I guess not 😌 although DP and I have been together for almost 20 years , children and mortgage but not married. I can't stand the thought of planning a wedding and the fuss /cost that comes with it but I would like to make it all legally binding . Certainly not about commitment we decided that jointly when we had children .

Seeingadistance · 09/10/2020 18:05

Tax reasons
Legal and financial protection in the event of death or divorce
A belated realisation that marriage actually provides a very significant and important piece of paper
Immigration/emigration reasons

And for the more frivolous, because they can now afford a big party.

HollowTalk · 09/10/2020 18:06

@ShalomToYouJackie

I'm sorry, but that's really shortsighted of you both. You could marry within a month for the legal and financial benefits. Why would you wait so long? Are you changing your working hours as a result of having a baby?

coldwarenigma · 09/10/2020 18:06

Because if one of you is hit by a bus you're legally nothing to each other.

That's why we married, also in those days protected the children should anything happen to me.

Fluffybutter · 09/10/2020 18:07

Because I love him and wanted to be married .
Simple as that and nothing to understand

Terrace58 · 09/10/2020 18:07

Everyone I know in real life either believes in marriage and therefore gets married before kids or doesn’t believe in marriage so set up other legal arrangements to facilitate sharing kids.

It absolutely perplexes me how many people online consider marriage to be something to be done well after sharing children. I find nothing morally wrong with having children without being married. The perplexing part is that people report wanting to be married, but not actually getting married.

Fressia123 · 09/10/2020 18:08

I don't think it matters per se. We're getting married because ultimately I don't feel comfortable not being married. However proposing when you have children seems like a very pointless gesture.

InTheVelvetDarkness · 09/10/2020 18:09

Just never got round to it
Too busy working and any spare money was spent on kids / house etc.
We literally had no spare money to put on the wedding dinner
We would have happily got married in a registry office but families on both sides would 100 percent expect at least a sit down meal at a hotel et
We have large immediate families , lots of siblings all with 2/3 children each.

Can you not get your head around the fact that some people literally have zero spare money to use for this type of event.

And I’m not talking a party / band / dj etc I’m only talking about taking family out for meal and alchohol , we could not afford it. Couldn’t even begin to think about a fancy dress / make up hair etc.

We really should nip to registry office but who would look after the kids whilst we go ?

If we could do it then online we would do it
We are time poor and cash poor so a wee online tick box thing where we could scan in our birth certificates and tick a box would be perfect

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