AIBU to not understand getting marrying years after having kids and living together

[Lcats]

What I really mean here is please help me understand. I just have never been exposed to this in real life. However I keep coming across such threads on mumsnet.

What I don't understand is - surely raising your child(ren) together is the ultimate commitment. So for people who marry say five years after having two children - does it nevertheless signify a new step in the relationship? Or is it merely a delayed celebration of the fact that you are already de facto married?

Among my friends those to whom being married mattered for whatever reason married before having kids, or after falling pregnant or having their first child. I have a few friends to whom being married never seemed to matter so they live together for years without. So I have no one to ask in everyday life.

I didn't want to get married for any other reason then..... I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man....probably an outdated view 😂

No one marries unless they want to spend the rest of their life with their intended.

It appears to be as incomprehensible to you, OP, as it is to me that women agree to have children without being married.

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMee

After 2DCs and 12y together we did it a month ago. It wasn't remotely romantic or joyful and I would like a 'proper' celebration when pandemic is over. We just felt that it 'was time' to finally do it this year- it was my DH's NY resolution!

I was just wondering if the pandemic has made a lot of unmarried parents think more seriously about marriage.

@What2do2

The legal side is extremely important particularly post children. I can’t get over how some people don’t see this

This!

Marriage is a contract.
It is a hugely important contract if you have children together because one parent almost always puts themselves at a disadvantage so that the children can be looked after while the other parent works hours or a job not conducive to small children or school/nursery times.

If a couple splits then the parent who put themselves at that disadvantage so the other parent could earn the money has almost no protection or rights to the assests they were equally responsible for growing (even if they didn’t earn the money) during the relationship.

Marriage is not about love as much as that is what is sold to us! It is about legally protecting both parties during a period of the relationship and family creation.

It is also a contract that legally allows another person to inherit or become next of kin or be considered in medical decisions etc

I understand it, the legal and financial aspects of getting married are very important, and should be done sooner rather than later, if you intend on having children.

Speaking from the extremely bitter experience of having been led up a very long garden path of the promise of getting married for the last 7 years, and after 2 DC, I'm currently making plans to leave my 'D'P in a couple of months because it hasn't happened.

To put it simply, you can walk away from your children when you are in a relationship, with a marriage you can still do that but its going to cost you a shit ton more.

Dp and I have been together 14 years in January, i was 15 and him 17 when we started going out. We moved in together 4 years later and had our son 3 years after that, and our dd last year.

Were planning on getting married 2022 as its our 15 year 'anniversary', we own our house now, earn good money and can afford it and for legal purposes also.

Getting together at such a young as means weve grown up as individuals during that time, at different rates and have gone through some bloody tough times. Were that little bit older, happy with eachother and in the best place weve ever been in, financially, with our communication, relationship and stability.

Obviously would of got married at 15 and our situation is different to alot of others. My mum got married to my dad after 27 years! She said she had to make sure😅

I agree that children are the ultimate commitment, but the tax benefits of marriage (especially tax free inheritance) are not to be sniffed at either. Ideally I'd have married DP before having DD but various things got in the way and we're no spring chickens so didn't want to put off having children. Hopefully we'll get married in a few years.

*wouldnt of got married at 15

Two words - inheritance tax!

I know at least two couples who got married because it brought their car insurance premiums down. Also I married foreign national DH after years (but no kids at that point) together because we needed to live in the same country without visa hassles.

Sidenote to the poster upthread. I'm married to a wealthy man...but when we started dating him he was a young, passionate political idealist who was going to change the world. He's now a banker .

A wedding on the other hand is a party, it is completely irrelevant to the marriage except that it’s the bit where you get to sign the contract and have the vows officiated.

A marriage can start with a quick trip to the local government office for a few quid or a massive 3 day 60000 affair but both equal the same thing at the end of the day.

Or is it merely a delayed celebration of the fact that you are already de facto married?

in our case more like that ^

we moved in together after week, got engaged after 3 months, started planning a wedding then decided to put the money into a house, the had kids then a house move...... eventually we had time and bit a money to spend on a small wedding. who cares?

if I'd been on MN 20+ years ago I may have made sure we were married before DC
but ho hmm 💁‍♀️

@What2do2

The legal side is extremely important particularly post children. I can’t get over how some people don’t see this

Yes Yes Yes!

@NewYearNewTwatName what about pensions? Who has the bigger one?

I don't understand either OP! I wouldn't have wanted to have children with someone i'm not married to. I wanted the commitment, stability and financial / legal protection of a marriage to a man I loved and who loved me before I brought children into the world. The couple that I know who have married post-kids seem to do it for financial reasons.

It depends on what people’s motivation for ‘marriage’ is.

For example, for some unmarried couples it’s an administrative detail they have put off, for others it could be about saving up to host a once in a lifetime party for their friends and family.

Neither means they are not in a committed relationship.

I’m in a very long term committed relationship and TTC. We’ll get round to it eventually, but right now we are more concerned about buying a family home for the future.

I’m not concerned about marriage, it has no meaning to me other than the legalities.

My preference is actually an opposite sex civil partnership, but it’s not available where I live yet!

For us, we knew where the relationship was heading but didnt have 5 or 10k to pay for a wedding.

I needed to get through college and a low paid training contract for my qualification so no spare money then.

We decided to have kids then (5 years ) because it was something we really wanted and didnt want to delay.

Then we had to save for a mortgage deposit and we have finally just got mortgage approval so will be starting our build and that will be ongoing for a year.

We plan to get married in 2022, by then we will have been together for 15 years. We do want to get married and always have, it was just that we had other priorities over the years that we put first.

They are most likely marrying for legal reasons eg pensions.

We have been together 7 years and currently TTC and now we have got this far I would like our child at the wedding. I only want a small registry office thing in a few years time. No money concerns as I earn way more anyway. Will be more risk financially to me when we do get married

I’ll bite too.
Because we haven’t got round to it yet and have most of the legal side tied up anyway (I work FT for example with a good pension, assets are shared, will is watertight). What’s it to you?
I can understand these arguments if I was reliant on a man financially, but I’m not

If you have children, getting married is vitally important in case one of you dies. It does happen and there are many people who are widowed young. Without the protection of marriage many people find they can’t claim benefits, have trouble getting pension payouts, have problems with mortgages, the list goes on.

@OwlBeThere

Next of kin doesn’t exist in uk law.

It isn’t quite that simple.

Howlooseisyourgoose? why are you asking me?

We're now married. My comment on 'who cares?' was more about why people like OP worry about what other people do.

"What I don't understand is - surely raising your child(ren) together is the ultimate commitment. So for people who marry say five years after having two children - does it nevertheless signify a new step in the relationship? Or is it merely a delayed celebration of the fact that you are already de facto married?"

It seems to me that you see marriage as a public announcement of commitment and nothing more. It is the 'more' that matters.

You could say that marriage doesn't matter - when everything is going swimmingly. It is when things are going badly that it becomes important. Because marriage is NOT just a public announcement, it is a legally binding contract, one that confers rights and responsibilities on those party to that contract.

Now, the 'going badly' comes in many forms. One of you dies. Married, you are their next of kin, with the right to arrange their funeral, inherit their goods etc. Unmarried, their parents are the next of kin and they are in charge of what happens next. Including, possibly, whether you get to stay in your home.

Or the relationship goes south. You won't be surprised that again, rights and responsibilities are legally binding. Particularly important where children are involved.

Oh, and rid yourself of the notion of "already de facto married". No such thing, even though many will wail that they are a "common law spouse". Marriage is a legal contract, if the contract has not been made then there are no rights and no responsibilities on either party.

Many think of a wedding as a big party. It's not - it's just a party tends to be held to celebrate the contract. It's not 'romantic' to regard it as a legal contract; but I've never found the mess that can be left by not entering into that contract as particularly 'romantic' either.