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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my mum this white lie

135 replies

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 09/10/2020 07:07

DS started reception this year and my mum picks him up twice a week and looks after him while I work.

This is all wonderful and I totally appreciate it except for one thing she’s got into the habit of taking him a chocolate bar everyday day and literally shoves it in his hands while the teacher is handing over. So he now asks everyday for chocolate in the playground.

Aibu to tell her that there has been a schools reminder that “healthy snacks only in the playground” to discourage her - or could this back fire.

I’d talk to her but I don’t want to upset her, she’s a fab granny but habits like the one she’s building are the reason I was a fat child and a fat adult

OP posts:

MintyMabel · 09/10/2020 10:08

Habits learned in childhood are hard to break in adult life

We didn’t get chocolate other than what we got with our small pocket money, we had fruit for pudding and play piece every day. We ate salad 2 or 3 times a week. Cakes and biscuits were a treat only and you got two biscuits if you were lucky. Snacks were not a thing. We walked or cycled for exercise every day.

I’ve managed to break all of those habits.

People say if you deprive kids of chocolate they eat too much as adults. Other people say if you give them chocolate every day they do that as an adult. Why won’t people just accept that we make decisions as adults no matter what we were taught as children. And chocolate is tasty, so no matter what our parents taught us, if we want it we will have it.

misselphaba · 09/10/2020 10:08

It might be quite a psychologically powerful act for you to tell your mum to stop and to reject her offers of food, rather than tell a white lie.

MintyMabel · 09/10/2020 10:11

I’d just talk to her and insist that she doesn't do it because you don't want your child to be a fat child like you were.

Two chocolate bars a week won’t make a child fat, as long as they have an otherwise healthy diet and are active enough.

80/20 rule applies here. OP appears to be saying part of the problem is she is being asked for chocolate. Simple enough to say as a parent, no, you’ve had enough of that this week.

If grandma is providing two days of childcare, a couple of chocolate bars is a small price to pay. Rocking the boat over something that isn’t going to do him any harm in the long run is a bad idea.

HunkyPunk · 09/10/2020 10:12

This is not about fudge or sweets twice a week, it's about chocolate very day when he goes into school

Op's Mum picks him up twice a week and gives him a small chocolate bar when he comes out of school. I think the teacher would say something if it was when he went in to school.

It's EVERY DAY not when she collects him!

I think the op meant every day she collects him, which is twice a week. Why would he be asking op for chocolate on the other days, if granny is there to thrust it in his hands? That wouldn't make sense.

CheetasOnFajitas · 09/10/2020 10:15

I agree that forming a habit of wanting chocolate every day is not good.

However you’ve mentioned twice that you don’t like the idea of “public eating” and feel he might be judged for eating a Finger of Fudge at the school gates. Can you explain this a bit more? Eating a snack chocolate bar in public is not a bad thing, surely? It’s normal.
I ask because I had a friend at uni who was anorexic and could not bear anyone else to watch her eat. It was not healthy.

DDiva · 09/10/2020 10:16

If you fint want her to give chocolate your be better to just tell her. Otherwise this issue will just keep coming up. Although tbh i wouldnt think twice a week really that much of a problem.

millymae · 09/10/2020 10:17

In many ways - it’s what granny’s do. If it is only twice a week then it won’t do him much harm so long as it’s just a small bar.
I’d be interested to know what she gives him when they get home though. I wouldnt be quite so laid back about the chocolate if she’s filling him up with biscuits and cakes.
If I were you I’d tell her nicely that you don’t really like him having chocolate straight after school as he’s come to expect it every day and this is not something you want him to have all the time. You could suggest she varies what she takes - a nice apple perhaps or a fruit bar (although I don’t imagine they are much better for him in calorie terms)
If you haven’t already I’d have a chat with your son too and tell him that when granny brings chocolate it’s just a special treat from her and if you gave him similar then granny’s treat wouldn’t be special anymore - you never know it might just stop him pestering you.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/10/2020 10:21

Surely she would just give him it when he gets out of the playground if you tell her thats the reason?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/10/2020 10:23

I don't really see the problem with a chocolate treat twice a week. Like his little treat with his gran.

ClaireP20 · 09/10/2020 10:30

The teacher's really don't care that your 4 year old is given a chocolate bar by his nan twice a week. No-one does. Just make sure you take him a snack after school as well, because God they are starving at 4 after school. Even a little sucky yoghurt or something.

Feefifo9 · 09/10/2020 10:32

I know this is totally cheating but if a parent spoke to me about this issue, I’d happily send a gentle note to all parents about healthy eating. Something like ‘at school we’re helping children know how to be healthy and take care of their bodies. Please talk to your child about how you keep healthy as a family this week so we can talk about it at circle time’. Then you can use it as an excuse. But I have a particular ‘thing’ about unnecessary sugar in children so I’d be fully on your side!

MiriamMargo · 09/10/2020 10:35

twice a week a small chocolate is not going to cause your child to be fat!!!

SillyCow6 · 09/10/2020 10:37

I think that yes a word to your mum is a good idea, but actually I think dc need to understand that something they do with grandparents or friends etc is not something that gets done every day, and we have different routines with different people.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 09/10/2020 10:43

@PineappleUpsideDownCake

I think thats actually really lovely. She obviously cares for him. Don't let your issues with food get in the way of things.

A fudge twice a week is not going to set him up for a life of disordered eating.

Agree with this. It's a really difficult balance to strike, and I understand your concerns about repeating your own childhood, but a tiny fudge bar twice a week is not going to cause lifelong issues.

Sunshine0620 · 09/10/2020 11:04

Just wanted to sympathise with you OP - my parents have a ‘thing’ for bringing my DS (3) jelly babies. Big bloody share bags every time they see him. We have about 6 in the cupboard because, like you, I had ALL the sweet stuff when I was little and was not a healthy weight (struggled with body image/weight ever since) and I do not want my son pumping full of sugar, so he has one or two very occasionally as a special treat. Why is it so hard for us to say no to our parents?! They haven’t got my subtle hints thus far so I’m building up to telling them no more in more direct terms 😬 banning sweets and chocolate for Xmas pressies, too!

Palavah · 09/10/2020 11:10

@JollyAndBright

I think you’d be better just talking to her and explaining why you don’t like it and asking her not to. Because otherwise she will just wait until the are at the school gate to give it to him and that won’t solve your problem.

This

raspberryfields · 09/10/2020 11:17

Could you just say one day only and past the playground? And you can always say that your dentist told you that fudge /chocolate should be a once a week thing. If you don't want your mum to do it, you should be prepared to limit treats yourself too.

SBTLove · 09/10/2020 11:22

It’s just so public and gross eating in the playground
This is your issue and it’s not fair to push it on your DS, where do you think he eats his snack at playtime? Will he never have a picnic? some crisps/apple waking along?
You have issues with food and obviously don’t want your DS to be the same but there’s a balance without extreme views.

ravenmum · 09/10/2020 11:48

If your mum was slim, would you find it less embarrassing for your son to be given chocolates in front of others?
I can understand why you'd hate the judgy looks, but it would be a shame if your son grew uncomfortable about eating in public too.

OldBean2 · 09/10/2020 12:02

Tell her that the dentist has asked you to cut out the sugary snacks.

CJsGoldfish · 09/10/2020 12:14

It’s just so public and gross eating in the playground
It's not really. This is your hangup and it wouldn't be fair to give it to your child.

Twice a week isn't a big deal but you could always ask that she not give it in the schoolyard or not do it every time she picks him up. I would also shut down the asking for one. He's old enough to understand that you aren't going to give him one so I wouldn't put up with him continuing to ask

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/10/2020 12:25

Just be straight with her - don't hide behind the school blaming them. 'Mum, please stop giving him chocolate.'

I may even expand that to 'Mum, please stop giving him chocolate, he loves you without you bribing him.'

daisypond · 09/10/2020 12:32

Why does he need any snack at all? I never took my DC a snack when I picked them up from school. I don’t know that anyone did. Unless you were going from school to the park maybe. Otherwise, wait till you get home and they can have a sandwich.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 09/10/2020 12:57

I was with you until you said it’s ‘public and gross’ to eat in the playground. That’s the sort of thing my sister (with a 20 year history of anorexia) says.

You are the parent here. It’s your job to bring up your child. If your child asks for chocolate in the playground you tell him “No, that’s treat from Granny, it’s not what Mummy does’. My D.C. knew from an early age that when me or DH were in charge we followed our family rules, when the GP were in charge they followed their rules. That way the grandparents could spoil them without the D.C. expecting similar indulgences at home.

And don’t tie yourself in knots inventing a fictional school rule. She will see for herself it isn’t true in about 2 minutes.

Holiday21plea · 09/10/2020 13:06

@MasksGlovesSoapScrubs

Just talk to her. Not quite sure you can blame your mum for being a 'fat adult' though. Unless she was force feeding you chocolate.

A chocolate bar twice a week by your gran is a lot. Poor eating habits are developed as a young child.... by teenage years it’s difficult to undo the poor diet your parents have taught you. What do you mean?

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