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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my mum this white lie

135 replies

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 09/10/2020 07:07

DS started reception this year and my mum picks him up twice a week and looks after him while I work.

This is all wonderful and I totally appreciate it except for one thing she’s got into the habit of taking him a chocolate bar everyday day and literally shoves it in his hands while the teacher is handing over. So he now asks everyday for chocolate in the playground.

Aibu to tell her that there has been a schools reminder that “healthy snacks only in the playground” to discourage her - or could this back fire.

I’d talk to her but I don’t want to upset her, she’s a fab granny but habits like the one she’s building are the reason I was a fat child and a fat adult Sad

OP posts:
KingaRoo · 09/10/2020 07:53

Just tell her you don't want your DS having chocolate every day. If you don't think she will respect you enough to do what you've asked perhaps she shouldn't be looking after your DS.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/10/2020 07:54

I think given that you’re both in Slimming World you could talk to her about working together to ensure healthy snacks. Also think about how you’re talking about your own bodies/weight/diet in his presence.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 09/10/2020 07:54

definitely put it on the school op,
say the school have banned it, and tbh they probably have, they are probably not allowed them in their lunch boxes, so by the same token would not be allowed them in the playground.
but she might still give it to him once outside of the playground! i think you need to have a chat with her
blame it on his teeth if you like

Esspee · 09/10/2020 07:54

My children were only allowed sweet things at home where I had control. Everyone respected my wishes, I am sure your mum will too.

nicky7654 · 09/10/2020 07:57

You said your mum gives him chocolate everyday and also say your mum has him twice a week? If she goes to collect him daily with you (apart from when your working) take the chocolate away and say healthy snacks only. If it's only twice a week then I wouldn't worry about it.

Sapiophile · 09/10/2020 07:57

Just tell her not to. I’ve had to have this conversation with DM and MIL since we moved back from abroad, and to point out that it’s one thing to feed an eight year old chocolate every time they see him when that was three times a year, but now it’s three times a week, it needs to stop.

ImSleepingBeauty · 09/10/2020 07:58

YANBU to ask her to wait until they are outside of school and to replace the chocolate with something else like a soreen fruit bar or packet or raisins. Then gradually swap that for sometime a bit more healthy like box of grapes or banana. He’ll forget the chocolate by Christmas.

daisypond · 09/10/2020 07:59

Definitely do not put it on the school. It’ll mean she just gives the chocolate outside if the gates. And I agree, it looks really bad. Just tell her no chocolate, or any sweets.

Original poster
Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 09/10/2020 08:05

She is a really great grandma and DS adores her, she has respected my wishes around other stuff like not using talc/back sleeping/chopping grapes up - she’s fine with this as “times have changed”

I just can’t see a way of getting into this with her without judging the way she brought me up negatively.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 09/10/2020 08:07

"Hi Mum, are you ok? Can I talk to you about something? You know I really appreciate you picking up Billy and looking after him twice a week, thank you so much. Would you mind not giving him chocolate, though? I'm just starting to worry a bit about teeth and health, he's so young that it's hard for him to keep it in check and I know it's something I've struggled with. I know it's because you love him so much and he loves you too. Maybe you could bring him a small toy instead? Thank you Mum, I love you."

Di11y · 09/10/2020 08:09

Is there anything healthier he likes eg blueberries? I'd ask her not to but also hold strong that mummy doesn't do choc after school.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 09/10/2020 08:10

Twice a week is fine isnt it!?

Most kids at our infant school have something bought to them at pick up. We always preferred to wait until home time.

Cant it just be something nanny does so you dont get into it. Twice a week would stop it being a forbidden fruit and just part of life. And nice that nanny wants to.

alreadytaken · 09/10/2020 08:13

raisins are really bad for teeth. Cant she take him an orange or grapes instead? Point out that it's really hard to get a dental appointment because of covid so you really dont want any dental problems.

Does she think he needs energy after school?

Original poster
Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 09/10/2020 08:15

@Di11y Yes he loves fruit and veg and eats really well. She cooks nutritious food too.

Don’t get me wrong he has chocolates and sweets - they aren’t a banned thing and I don’t comment on them really but I get him home from school and then give him his tea or a nutritious snack. I don’t offer up Chocolate.

It’s the public eating, the fact it’s not nutritious, the can’t wait till he gets homeness of it all

OP posts:
Wibblypiggly · 09/10/2020 08:15

You have to be straight with her. Is she super over sensitive or something? Be straight and honest or you risk her not taking you seriously...

Sleepingdogs12 · 09/10/2020 08:17

I would ask her to just give chocolate once a week as a treat and tell your son that it is a treat from grandma only on x day. I assume the bar is just a normal child sized bar not a massive one. It is great they will have a close relationship.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 09/10/2020 08:19

Tell her that op,
you dont like him snacking in the playground.
he can manage until he gets home.
he loves her anyway and doesnt need treats

Sleepingdogs12 · 09/10/2020 08:20

Re the public eating I am not sure people will think twice about grandma giving a normal sized treat once a week. If it is a massive slab i can see the problem and you'll have to talk to her, suggest a Fredo and say the big bar stops him eating his meal after school.

RandomMess · 09/10/2020 08:30

What size chocolate bar is she giving him?

I would ask her to give him it after his meal.

I would say that once per week only as he now thinks it's normal to have chocolate after school and you want it to be an occasional treat.

nettie434 · 09/10/2020 08:34

@Allmyarseandpeggymartin

And ironically one of mine and mums “dates” is a trip to Slimming World every week
Do you and your mum stay for the meeting or just do the weigh in? If you do stay, do you think the leader would be able to help if you asked? I was thinking you could ask if they could mention in a totally neutral non-shaming way, the problem of trying to break habits learned as children or how little snacks mount up over the day in terms of calorie intake.

Your mum sounds as if she is trying hard in terms of taking on board new evidence. I'd use sweets for children as exactly the same sort of example as talc etc, not making it about what she did with you but what many parents (and grandparents/carers) used to do. I was allowed to use my pocket money to buy sweets which set up some awful habits, not just fillings, but being bad about delayed gratification and treats.

CamillasHardHat · 09/10/2020 08:35

I would ask why he needs anything at all in the playground. If she must bring him a snack then surely a piece of fruit or some veggies would be much better for him.

I never took any treat into the playground. We never lived more than 15 minutes away.

hippohector · 09/10/2020 08:36

Habits learned in childhood are hard to break in adult life
This ^^

I am aware that I am now a fully grown adult and what I choose to put in my mouth is my decision and my responsibility.
However, I do think that bad habits learnt and reinforced throughout childhood makes this harder.
I would talk to your mum about your concerns op.

Original poster
Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 09/10/2020 08:38

It’s usually a Cadbury fudge - she’s even taught DS the bloody song “a finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat”

They were my favourite as a child

OP posts:
PineappleUpsideDownCake · 09/10/2020 08:40

I think thats actually really lovely. She obviously cares for him. Don't let your issues with food get in the way of things.

A fudge twice a week is not going to set him up for a life of disordered eating.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 09/10/2020 08:40

I would focus on making sure you cpok balanced meals etc.

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