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Original poster

Long post... feeling pushed out by girls at work. WWYD?

112 replies

LifeLessons102 · 08/10/2020 16:58

Hi Everyone, I hope I am posting in the right place. Apologies if not but I am looking for some advice and thoughts here… might be a long one.

I started my work place over 2 yrs ago and my team of 10 had a family vibe. We were all very close and fitted in great - I was covering a woman (Lets call her Emma) going on mat leave. Everyone was lovely, we all went on days/nights out and everything was good. Fast forward 9 months.. Emma comes back from Mat leave, I am offered a permanent job and we split the work load (there was more than enough due to this business growth). When she came back from mat leave she felt a little pushed out (she hadn't been in the loop for 9 months) and her main work friend had now got close with another colleague. When Emma came back to work she made it clear she wanted a promotion (I was fine with this, however others took offence) and she got her head down. For some reason some people took a disliking to this as they said it was the way Emma went about it. So 3 other girls started ignoring her, bitching behind her back etc and Emma picked up on this. I was fine with her throughout however she would confide in me asking what she had done wrong and I told her I had no idea but to maybe tackle it head on and speak to the other girls who clearly have a problem. Anyhow, long story short - she confronted them and it all blew up. This resulted in Emma having massive anxiety about coming to work and about 2 months later she found another job and moved away completely. When she left I felt the other 3 girls started to single out another colleague - Lets call her Kate (I kind of expected this may happen). They would invite Kate out a lot but then always used to bitch about her behind her back!! Anyhow Kate got fed up of it, distanced herself and started not coming out with us anymore (I don't blame her either, but I was worried about being pushed out next).

Anyhow, so now Emma had left they employed a new lady to work alongside me. She started just before lockdown. We have all been working from home since Feb however me and those 3 other girls have met a handful of times. RIGHT SO HERES THE MAIN PART I WANT TO SAY - I now feel like these 3 girls and the new lady have a whatsapp group chat without me. Just my gut feeling from conversations we've all had when we are out and things haven't added up. It doesn't sit right with me and I think they've been meeting up and not asking me. I don't have any proof of this, maybe this is all in my head but If I've got a gut feeling it's usually right. This should not bother me as I have friends outside of work, I have my own family and children... but this IS bothering me. They've asked if I want to go on a weekend away in December with them (so 5 of us in total) and I've stupidly said yes. but now I feel like I am not part of this 'click'. I don't want to be part of a 'click' but I can see myself getting pushed out. Just from little comments etc and I just cant be bothered with it. I have children, another woman has children but the other 3 girls don't. I feel like I am back at school! We are aged 23-32 (me being in the middle of those ages) so its all pretty pathetic.

I am thinking about looking for a new job because of this, even though I now work from home permanently and I can drop and collect my children off at school. My DH says I would be mad to give this up but will support me no matter what I want to do. Why do I care so much what people think.... it really is toxic. How do you break this? Advice please.

OP posts:
user13745865422563 · 08/10/2020 17:06

Why would you be mad to leave a toxic workplace if you'd found a new job?

Original poster
LifeLessons102 · 08/10/2020 17:10

Because my current role involves no travelling and enables me to collect the children.

OP posts:
user13745865422563 · 08/10/2020 17:11

So you find another role with no travelling and hours that work?

Middle123 · 08/10/2020 17:14

You say you’re concerned they have a group chat with just those 4 & you think they’re meeting up without you, but you also said that you & just the 3 women meet up without the new lady. How is that any different?

Why don’t you just ask if you can create a group chat with you all in it & see what they say/how they react?

Just forget it. You’re there to work. Yes it’s nice to have a friendly chat with colleagues but it’s not the be all & end all. Just show up, do your job, be friendly, get paid 😊

Craiglang · 08/10/2020 17:16

If your job has perks that make your life easier, disengage from the drama and just get on with your job. I'm not sure what the issue is? You don't need to deal with them in person so it's much easier to keep it purely professional. So what if they have a separate WhatsApp group? Unless you care about their opinions of you, it doesn't matter.

hopeishere · 08/10/2020 17:16

It is pathetic. And this is why I like my work colleagues, but I don't have friendship with them outside of work. It's too stifling. It happened in my workplace before I started - group of friends, new person brought into the group, dinners with partners then suddenly she was dropped.

Just withdraw and try and make some other friends (easier said than done I know).

Original poster
LifeLessons102 · 08/10/2020 17:17

Yeah we did meet up few months ago just the 4 of us - I don’t understand why they didn’t ask anyone else. Partly because of lockdown reasons. I need to get a grip!

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 08/10/2020 17:18

Can you not try to separate your work and home life, maybe stop socialising with them?

Original poster
LifeLessons102 · 08/10/2020 17:20

@hopeishere I can’t believe it happens in other work places !! Admittedly it’s the girl who has no boyfriend or children that causes all the bitchyness

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLessons102 · 08/10/2020 17:21

@SissySpacekAteMyHamster I could do, it’s saying No when they ask if I want to do join in their plans. I then feel like a spoilt sport as such.

OP posts:
Susannahmoody · 08/10/2020 17:22

Omg just move on from all this shit and find a new job

Alexandernevermind · 08/10/2020 17:26

What they all do outside of work is irrelevant. We work usually for money and career progression. If they are bitchy about you at work then you escalate through management or HR, but being left out of nights out and a WhatsApp groups is neither here nor there. To be honest I think you are best well out of the clique.

Milkshake7489 · 08/10/2020 17:26

So you watched your 3 colleagues bully two other women before they started leaving you out?

Why on earth would you want to be included in their meet ups? It all sounds toxic.

If not being part of their clique bothers you, look for another job... but next time avoid making friends with people who bitch about others and are generally unpleasant (9 times out of 10 these people will turn on you).

Personally, if you enjoy the role and flexibility I'd just keep them all at arms length and enjoy spending time with your real friends/ family outside of work.

HotPenguin · 08/10/2020 17:28

Why not stop socialising with them and concentrate on friends you actually like? No need to fall out, just tell them you are too busy.

LST · 08/10/2020 17:28

I'm loving all the 'get a new job advice when hundreds of people are being made redundant at the minute. Sound advice that

JustHereWithPopcorn · 08/10/2020 17:42

If I was you I would slowly start distancing myself from them. If you work from home you don't need to see them face to face often? They do sound toxic and you would be better off spending less time with them. If they already have a group chat without you then great! Focus on your family and friends who aren't them Smile

Pesimistic · 08/10/2020 17:46

His is why you just exchange pleasantries with work colleagues far to much drama

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 08/10/2020 17:50

If you have to worry about a bunch of friends pushing you out they aren't your friends. Just back away from the bullshit and focus on your real relationships not your colleagues.

50shadesoflunacy · 08/10/2020 18:08

I would also echo what other posters have said here; they are your work colleagues, not your friends. I learnt a while ago not to mix after hours with colleagues. I started a new job before lockdown and there are two in my team that are as thick as thieves and very false too. I pay them zero attention and refuse to participate in any social activities and am clear I am not interested in socialising with colleagues. I give zero fucks what they think of me. I'm there to work, not play at being chummy chummy. Your mh will be a lot better if you refuse to engage with this bullshit. Good luck OP

Peachy1381 · 08/10/2020 18:10

Don't quit a good job over some silly bitchieness.

Make an excuse about the weekend away, it has 'bad idea' written all over it. And start distancing yourself.

You sound a bit too close to your colleague to be honest. They sounds like a slightly silly bunch. Keep your head down and crack on, its work. Your not there to make friends, great if you do but dont get caught up in any drama.

Moonshinemisses · 08/10/2020 18:11

This is why I don't get involved socially with my colleagues. They are all lovely I have a great working relationship with them but they aren't my friends. I dont socialize with them, I dont have them on social media. Keep interactions with them purely about work & save your time & energy for your actual friends.

DeliciouslyFemale · 08/10/2020 18:15

@Milkshake7489

So you watched your 3 colleagues bully two other women before they started leaving you out?

Why on earth would you want to be included in their meet ups? It all sounds toxic.

If not being part of their clique bothers you, look for another job... but next time avoid making friends with people who bitch about others and are generally unpleasant (9 times out of 10 these people will turn on you).

Personally, if you enjoy the role and flexibility I'd just keep them all at arms length and enjoy spending time with your real friends/ family outside of work.

This.
Jammysod · 08/10/2020 18:16

Just distance yourselves from them socially, be professional and get on with your job.

Dozer · 08/10/2020 18:19

So you observed them bully Emma, then Kate, and continued to hang out with them socially, yet are now surprised they’re dishing out similar nasty treatment to you?

Dozer · 08/10/2020 18:20

Advice: woman up, work hard at your job and stop seeing these people socially!