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Original poster

Long post... feeling pushed out by girls at work. WWYD?

112 replies

LifeLessons102 · 08/10/2020 16:58

Hi Everyone, I hope I am posting in the right place. Apologies if not but I am looking for some advice and thoughts here… might be a long one.

I started my work place over 2 yrs ago and my team of 10 had a family vibe. We were all very close and fitted in great - I was covering a woman (Lets call her Emma) going on mat leave. Everyone was lovely, we all went on days/nights out and everything was good. Fast forward 9 months.. Emma comes back from Mat leave, I am offered a permanent job and we split the work load (there was more than enough due to this business growth). When she came back from mat leave she felt a little pushed out (she hadn't been in the loop for 9 months) and her main work friend had now got close with another colleague. When Emma came back to work she made it clear she wanted a promotion (I was fine with this, however others took offence) and she got her head down. For some reason some people took a disliking to this as they said it was the way Emma went about it. So 3 other girls started ignoring her, bitching behind her back etc and Emma picked up on this. I was fine with her throughout however she would confide in me asking what she had done wrong and I told her I had no idea but to maybe tackle it head on and speak to the other girls who clearly have a problem. Anyhow, long story short - she confronted them and it all blew up. This resulted in Emma having massive anxiety about coming to work and about 2 months later she found another job and moved away completely. When she left I felt the other 3 girls started to single out another colleague - Lets call her Kate (I kind of expected this may happen). They would invite Kate out a lot but then always used to bitch about her behind her back!! Anyhow Kate got fed up of it, distanced herself and started not coming out with us anymore (I don't blame her either, but I was worried about being pushed out next).

Anyhow, so now Emma had left they employed a new lady to work alongside me. She started just before lockdown. We have all been working from home since Feb however me and those 3 other girls have met a handful of times. RIGHT SO HERES THE MAIN PART I WANT TO SAY - I now feel like these 3 girls and the new lady have a whatsapp group chat without me. Just my gut feeling from conversations we've all had when we are out and things haven't added up. It doesn't sit right with me and I think they've been meeting up and not asking me. I don't have any proof of this, maybe this is all in my head but If I've got a gut feeling it's usually right. This should not bother me as I have friends outside of work, I have my own family and children... but this IS bothering me. They've asked if I want to go on a weekend away in December with them (so 5 of us in total) and I've stupidly said yes. but now I feel like I am not part of this 'click'. I don't want to be part of a 'click' but I can see myself getting pushed out. Just from little comments etc and I just cant be bothered with it. I have children, another woman has children but the other 3 girls don't. I feel like I am back at school! We are aged 23-32 (me being in the middle of those ages) so its all pretty pathetic.

I am thinking about looking for a new job because of this, even though I now work from home permanently and I can drop and collect my children off at school. My DH says I would be mad to give this up but will support me no matter what I want to do. Why do I care so much what people think.... it really is toxic. How do you break this? Advice please.

OP posts:
DitzyCow · 08/10/2020 19:13

Not all sectors have been affected and she's just said theres been growth thats how they gave her a permanent job! so presumably op is in such a sector or type of role.

notalwaysalondoner · 08/10/2020 19:14

I thought you were going to say they’ve started aggressively bullying you (which it sounds like they did a bit to Emma) but all you’ve said is you feel a bit left out they have a WhatsApp group and maybe met up without you. You should be able to deal with that - not everyone is “equal” friends with everyone else and that’s a crazy reason to leave a job.

HartnellAvenue · 08/10/2020 19:16

You sound as awful as them to be honest

MoiraNotRuby · 08/10/2020 19:17

My advice - work on saying no I used to work with someone who said she struggled to say no, she was such a people pleaser, poor old me I'm just too nice etc etc and actually it just meant that you never knew what she really felt/wanted, because she would say whatever she guessed anyone wanted to hear. Be careful you don't get into the same habit and end up being two faced/fake.

Notimeforaname · 08/10/2020 19:17

This is such a non issue. At least in should be a non issue considering you have a family and friends of your own.

Why do people waste their time,thoughts and energy on shit like this??

One day you'll be on your death bed thinking of the ones you love most...not Kate Emma and whoeverHmm

Grow up, ignore people,move jobs if you want,dont if you don't. Concentrate on your children and your family and real friends.

SentientAndCognisant · 08/10/2020 19:22

cabal bullied Emma,caused her anxiety. You were passive about it.Now you’re the focus?
There’s an element of what goes around comes around
I’m in no way condoning their behaviour but surely you must have seen their capabilities, had a niggle

Ok ignoring all the stupid advice to get a new job, that’s utterly fuckwitted advice...you need to disentangle yourself from them,their gossip,their nastiness. Covid is a perfect excuse, you socially and emotionally distance

And get on with your job, be cordial,superficially interested, cake it to make it
A job that works domestically and suits you is gold dust

feistyoneyouare · 08/10/2020 19:26

This thread is reminding me why I tend to prefer male friends to female. I know I'm going to be called a misogynist (I'm not), but OMG women can be such two-faced bitches sometimes, and some of them make friendships so bloody complicated and exhausting. (I'm referring to your colleagues OP, not you.)

OP they don't sound worth the stress. I think all you can do is try to rise above, but I've been in similar situations and I know it can be hard not to feel hurt by this kind of stuff.

MaliceOrgan · 08/10/2020 19:28

Why didn't you report the bullying you witnessed?

Also they're women not girls.

killerofmen · 08/10/2020 19:34

After 20 years of office work this is so basic I wouldn't even register a problem.

I certainly wouldn't give up a WFH role with good work/life balance.

Original poster
LifeLessons102 · 08/10/2020 19:34

HR at our place is practically non existent. Emma did report it to HR and it got worse. Manager is non existent as no one really wants anything to do with him. I actually think he’s okay as he leaves us to our own devices but the others hate it and despise him for not getting involved with work. I am very lucky to have a job that is school hours with children in primary I know that. Reading through these comments has opened my eyes. I am a people pleaser and it needs to stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLessons102 · 08/10/2020 19:38

Also, I admit I did witness and hear the bitching about Emma. But I did NOT want to get involved. I wanted nothing to do with it and did not want to be involved at all whatsoever. I was ignorant and I do feel guilty.

OP posts:
Leimarel · 08/10/2020 19:38

Never get too friendly with colleagues, it always ends in tears. I would just be friendly and professional and stop socialising with them out of work. Concentrate on the good aspects of the job - the child friendly hours, the pay. Forget about this childish clique.

SentientAndCognisant · 08/10/2020 19:47

@feistyoneyouare I despair when I read your post, denigrating your own gender.
Women are two faced bitches Christ you didn’t even say some
Have you never connected with, laughed freely or just got a woman?

There are some women who play the whole I prefer men,and they have a whole script
men they’re so less complicated
Women are bitches
They then spend their time consciously and unconsciously trying to please and appease men. Not being problematic like other women. Because other women are bitchy

It Is a desperately sad mindset

whataboutbob · 08/10/2020 19:53

I had a situation in my previous job (NHS) where 1) one woman was constructively dismissed when various people hanged up in her. She was no saint herself but they totally took her down 2) resources were consistently grabbed by some members of staff who were in with management 3) the bulk of the clinical work was done by juniors and some seniors, with some other seniors happy to sit around chatting and web surfing for big swathes of the day. It got to the point where I was so unhappy I just knew I had to leave and eventually I did. I now have a low stress job with colleagues I’m friendly with or actually like, and stay out of the politics.

whataboutbob · 08/10/2020 19:54

Oops- ganged up on her.

Unsure33 · 08/10/2020 19:55

Honestly it goes on everywhere . You could be out of the frying pan into the fire .

Just keep things professional. Be kind in work . But keep socialising to a minimum.

GabsAlot · 08/10/2020 19:59

why do you have to leave you work from home which means you never see them right

i dont get it sorry

Notimeforaname · 08/10/2020 20:01

But I did NOT want to get involved. I wanted nothing to do with it and did not want to be involved at all whatsoever
Then why socialise with them ?? U stay away from people like that full stop. Because this is the result .

Odile13 · 08/10/2020 20:03

Can you get out of going on the weekend away? Without causing anybody to lose money or be majorly inconvenienced, I mean.

Aside from that I would just back away from all the drama. Be polite, be professional, do not gossip about anybody verbally or via email. Stop caring about whether they invite you out with them or not. It doesn’t sound like you actually like them anyway so it won’t be a big loss. If they ask you why you’ve backed off just allude to being very busy or having family issues to deal with. I think you’ll feel better if you detach and you can go on with your life.

CheshireDing · 08/10/2020 20:06

Honestly OP it sounds like the pointless drama I have just tried to get my 9 year old to ignore at school. I do understand why you would feel pushed out but you need to just think 🤷‍♀️

Don’t go away with them.

Be polite and professional.

Leave them to it.

MiddleClassProblem · 08/10/2020 20:10

I think if you genuinely don’t like their behaviour then you need to look at it for what it is, how it affects you and your MH, how it reflects on you.

eaglejulesk · 08/10/2020 20:10

Just forget it. You’re there to work. Yes it’s nice to have a friendly chat with colleagues but it’s not the be all & end all. Just show up, do your job, be friendly, get paid

I agree with this. Not worth worrying about, and if the job suits you at present then stay, but maybe keep an eye out for something else.

eaglejulesk · 08/10/2020 20:14

Forgot to add - I wouldn't be going away with them. You say you have your own friends, stick with them and ignore this lot. I've never understood why women feel they have to be friends with the people they work with anyway. Men are so much easier to work with tbh.

Keeva2017 · 08/10/2020 20:15

@SentientAndCognisant yes!!! You’ve articulated it so well. I cringe whenever I hear “I just get on better with men” “women don’t like me” yada yada.

9 times out of 10 there is some underlying need to be perceived as different (better) than other women and therefore receive male approval.

You said it better though.

DoAllMeerkatsComeFromRussia · 08/10/2020 20:17

This is how bullies work and it is all about control. The dominant one in the group starts bitching about someone else, either from the group or outside of the group. All the others in the group join in. Why? Because they don't want to be the next "victim". The bitching is constant, it's relentless. It's also obvious to others because it is important that enough people know about it.

Those that are not the "victim" have two choices. Either side with the bully, which means you're safe (for the moment) or side with the "victim" which means you're next. "Emma" confided in you. Your cards were marked from that moment.

The bully will also turn on any of her group at any point in order to cement her position as leader. The others in the group will instantly join in. Being part of a group like this is not a friendship and yet everyone in the group is desperate to stay in it and those not in it are desperate to get in (you).

This job works for you but this group of women (yes they are acting like "girls" but they are not) does not work for you. If you stop going out with them and distance from the group you will definitely be bitched about until they get bored and move to someone else so you'll have to decide if that matters to you. If you are definitely working from home from now on hopefully you'll realise they aren't your friends (or anyone's let's be honest) and it doesn't matter what they say about you- your work suits you and you have a good group of real friends anyway. If you feel the need to start looking for another job it's a shame but only you can decide if they've got under your skin or not.