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Original poster

Long post... feeling pushed out by girls at work. WWYD?

112 replies

LifeLessons102 · 08/10/2020 16:58

Hi Everyone, I hope I am posting in the right place. Apologies if not but I am looking for some advice and thoughts here… might be a long one.

I started my work place over 2 yrs ago and my team of 10 had a family vibe. We were all very close and fitted in great - I was covering a woman (Lets call her Emma) going on mat leave. Everyone was lovely, we all went on days/nights out and everything was good. Fast forward 9 months.. Emma comes back from Mat leave, I am offered a permanent job and we split the work load (there was more than enough due to this business growth). When she came back from mat leave she felt a little pushed out (she hadn't been in the loop for 9 months) and her main work friend had now got close with another colleague. When Emma came back to work she made it clear she wanted a promotion (I was fine with this, however others took offence) and she got her head down. For some reason some people took a disliking to this as they said it was the way Emma went about it. So 3 other girls started ignoring her, bitching behind her back etc and Emma picked up on this. I was fine with her throughout however she would confide in me asking what she had done wrong and I told her I had no idea but to maybe tackle it head on and speak to the other girls who clearly have a problem. Anyhow, long story short - she confronted them and it all blew up. This resulted in Emma having massive anxiety about coming to work and about 2 months later she found another job and moved away completely. When she left I felt the other 3 girls started to single out another colleague - Lets call her Kate (I kind of expected this may happen). They would invite Kate out a lot but then always used to bitch about her behind her back!! Anyhow Kate got fed up of it, distanced herself and started not coming out with us anymore (I don't blame her either, but I was worried about being pushed out next).

Anyhow, so now Emma had left they employed a new lady to work alongside me. She started just before lockdown. We have all been working from home since Feb however me and those 3 other girls have met a handful of times. RIGHT SO HERES THE MAIN PART I WANT TO SAY - I now feel like these 3 girls and the new lady have a whatsapp group chat without me. Just my gut feeling from conversations we've all had when we are out and things haven't added up. It doesn't sit right with me and I think they've been meeting up and not asking me. I don't have any proof of this, maybe this is all in my head but If I've got a gut feeling it's usually right. This should not bother me as I have friends outside of work, I have my own family and children... but this IS bothering me. They've asked if I want to go on a weekend away in December with them (so 5 of us in total) and I've stupidly said yes. but now I feel like I am not part of this 'click'. I don't want to be part of a 'click' but I can see myself getting pushed out. Just from little comments etc and I just cant be bothered with it. I have children, another woman has children but the other 3 girls don't. I feel like I am back at school! We are aged 23-32 (me being in the middle of those ages) so its all pretty pathetic.

I am thinking about looking for a new job because of this, even though I now work from home permanently and I can drop and collect my children off at school. My DH says I would be mad to give this up but will support me no matter what I want to do. Why do I care so much what people think.... it really is toxic. How do you break this? Advice please.

OP posts:
goteam · 08/10/2020 18:24

In my experience there is always one insecure twit driving this sort of behaviour with the others just going along with it. It's about control and feeling exclusive and popular. I would just disengage socially as first and foremost it is your job not your main friendship group (presumably). Just be friendly and professional and detach yourself from the rest of it. It's not like you are in an office and have to face them in person. Being able to do school drop-offs and pick-ups would be enough to keep me in the job.

Chloemol · 08/10/2020 18:26

If you like the job and it suits just carry on, ignore them let them have their little group. Do as Kate did and start to distance yourself

HollowTalk · 08/10/2020 18:28

@user13745865422563

So you find another role with no travelling and hours that work?
That's easier said than done!
Straven123 · 08/10/2020 18:28

Perhaps use this as a chance to learn to improve your self-esteem.
You can see that you have an interesting life outside of this social scene - yes it's sad to be left out whilst they have secret watsapp chats but the other things in your life, children, marriage, other friends are more important.
Set yourself a time limit eg 3 months and if things are worse, or you have not built up your self-esteem to ignore this, look at leaving - but it's handy as it fits in with the rest of your life, don't do anything rash.

OhCaptain · 08/10/2020 18:32

You remain polite and get on with it like an adult.

This behaviour didn’t bother you when it was happening to others.

When they’re finished with you it’ll be on to the next. Ride it out and don’t get involved in such juvenile bullying in future.

BloggersBlog · 08/10/2020 18:33

To quote Sammo - Just say NO when they invite you out.

You work from home so am confused as to what the problem is. No office politics, no people going quiet when you walk in a room, no silly giggling and in jokes- so what it the problem?

I agree with your DH

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 08/10/2020 18:35

the girl who has no boyfriend or children that causes all the bitchyness

She is a work colleague, so presumably a woman rather than a girl.
You say she is causing the bitchiness - but you denigrate her because she doesn't have a boyfriend or breed?

Sounds like reason enough to exclude you.

Rose789 · 08/10/2020 18:39

Take a massive step back.
You have watched them bully 2 separate people out of their job. Why would you want to be friends with them?
Say no thank you to meeting up or going on holiday. If they create a what’s app group without you thank your lucky stars you aren’t involved in it.

Asterion · 08/10/2020 18:39

So let me get this straight - you now work from home permanently, so you never have to see these women. Your work fits perfectly around your home life.

Yet you are considering looking for a new job, where you don't know what other issues will come up.

Hmm
MiddleClassProblem · 08/10/2020 18:40

It’s just people from work who you don’t even have to see. I would distance myself from people I heard bitching or pull them up on it.

I think you sound quite needy for this group and I think you need to analysis why. Is it FOMO? Are you secretly enjoying the bitching and exclusivity?

That’s what you need to think about. If you are, in fact, just like them then crack on but if you are not the look at it and them for who they really are. I think you’ll choose to civilly step back.

You can still be friendly and go for the odd drink but you sound over invested...

OhCaptain · 08/10/2020 18:41

Are you secretly enjoying the bitching and exclusivity?

I think you have it here, tbh.

It’s very Mean Girls.

Asterion · 08/10/2020 18:44

OP didn't mind the drama when she wasn't on the receiving end of it, but now...

DontTouchTheMoustache · 08/10/2020 18:47

Those 3 women sound vile, I've met similar people before and it's why I just remain friendly but never persue friendships with colleagues now.
I think if you do go you should be clear with your manager about why, they should know what is causing such high staff turnover.

BitOfFun · 08/10/2020 18:50

I think the OP sounds like she was supportive towards Emma and Kate- I don't get why she is being blamed for the bullying.

@LifeLessons102, I think you would be insane to leave such a cushy number in these difficult times. Your husband is right.

Asterion · 08/10/2020 18:54

Maybe. Sometimes being in the middle can be its own drama.

Anyway, I suggest, like the others have said, that you cancel going away for the weekend with them, and just get on with your job.

Mydogmylife · 08/10/2020 18:54

Well. Surely it was only a matter of time til the mean girls got round to you, you should really have been better prepared . It all feels a bit more real when it's happening to you, rather than sitting on the sidelines watching someone else go through it doesn't it? My advice - disengage, ignore and it'll pass til someone else becomes the target, but always remember how shit this is making you feel so you're not tempted to become complicit again in the future .

Original poster
LifeLessons102 · 08/10/2020 18:56

I was supportive but I didn’t want to get involved. I hate the drama and I never want to be involved in it. I want the simple life!! My problem is that I find it hard to say no. To anyone!

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 08/10/2020 18:58

You can’t see the wood for the trees. You’ve been groomed to want to be part of the pack as life is nicer that way. Now they’ve made you think like that they have control over you which they use for their amusement. There must be 5 other colleagues? Distance yourself from the bitch pack and make nice with the rest of your team. No need to be best friends but it can be pleasant at work to have people to talk to.

Break away from them op and don’t let them take a good job from you. You’re stronger than that, you can only control your actions, make theirs irrelevant.

workhomesleeprepeat · 08/10/2020 19:00

This all sounds very teenage and immature. I would just treat work as work, go in, do your job, enjoy your life outside of work!

I don’t bitch about people at work to other colleagues, it’s very unprofessional. I bitch to my friends outside work and my partner.

CloudyVanilla · 08/10/2020 19:04

Honestly I would stay. Now you are all WFH you have the perfect means of distancing your self from them. Just fade socially out of the scene and continue being friendly and professional with everyone.

Gobbycop · 08/10/2020 19:06

They sound like a pack of cunts.

Nicolastuffedone · 08/10/2020 19:07

And this is why I didn’t make friends of work colleagues.....I was pleasant and friendly to them all, but that stopped at five pm. I watched all this kind drama and was so pleased I had no part in it, I can’t stand cliques! I certainly didn’t want weekends away with them or nights out, where all the spoke about was work and slagged of other colleagues! A lady I knew used to say ‘I’m a friend to all and friend to none’ and that was how I stayed friends with workmates......

ktp100 · 08/10/2020 19:10

Don't let these bullies push you out. For one, they are just work colleagues, they are essential to your friendship group or your general happiness, and apart from that you've watched as they turn on and bully staff out on at least 2 occasions previously and if you leave you'll be doing so solely because of them.

The job suits you. Stick with it. Back away from the group a bit and pull out of the trip (lots of good excuses at the moment) then just treat it as work.

Your DH is right, you don't have to give up a good job because you work with a few dick heads!

CheetasOnFajitas · 08/10/2020 19:10

Does this mean girls stuff affect your ability to do your job? (And this could include just making you feel uncomfortable interacting with them).

If yes, you need to escalate to a manager.
If no, just try to ignore it. They sound juvenile and unprofessional- it’s above it. Are there any others in the organisation that you could befriend? How well do you/they get on with your boss?

ktp100 · 08/10/2020 19:11

Should say they ARE NOT essential to your friendship group or happiness Grin

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