Long post... feeling pushed out by girls at work. WWYD?

[LifeLessons102]

Hi Everyone, I hope I am posting in the right place. Apologies if not but I am looking for some advice and thoughts here… might be a long one.

I started my work place over 2 yrs ago and my team of 10 had a family vibe. We were all very close and fitted in great - I was covering a woman (Lets call her Emma) going on mat leave. Everyone was lovely, we all went on days/nights out and everything was good. Fast forward 9 months.. Emma comes back from Mat leave, I am offered a permanent job and we split the work load (there was more than enough due to this business growth). When she came back from mat leave she felt a little pushed out (she hadn't been in the loop for 9 months) and her main work friend had now got close with another colleague. When Emma came back to work she made it clear she wanted a promotion (I was fine with this, however others took offence) and she got her head down. For some reason some people took a disliking to this as they said it was the way Emma went about it. So 3 other girls started ignoring her, bitching behind her back etc and Emma picked up on this. I was fine with her throughout however she would confide in me asking what she had done wrong and I told her I had no idea but to maybe tackle it head on and speak to the other girls who clearly have a problem. Anyhow, long story short - she confronted them and it all blew up. This resulted in Emma having massive anxiety about coming to work and about 2 months later she found another job and moved away completely. When she left I felt the other 3 girls started to single out another colleague - Lets call her Kate (I kind of expected this may happen). They would invite Kate out a lot but then always used to bitch about her behind her back!! Anyhow Kate got fed up of it, distanced herself and started not coming out with us anymore (I don't blame her either, but I was worried about being pushed out next).

Anyhow, so now Emma had left they employed a new lady to work alongside me. She started just before lockdown. We have all been working from home since Feb however me and those 3 other girls have met a handful of times. RIGHT SO HERES THE MAIN PART I WANT TO SAY - I now feel like these 3 girls and the new lady have a whatsapp group chat without me. Just my gut feeling from conversations we've all had when we are out and things haven't added up. It doesn't sit right with me and I think they've been meeting up and not asking me. I don't have any proof of this, maybe this is all in my head but If I've got a gut feeling it's usually right. This should not bother me as I have friends outside of work, I have my own family and children... but this IS bothering me. They've asked if I want to go on a weekend away in December with them (so 5 of us in total) and I've stupidly said yes. but now I feel like I am not part of this 'click'. I don't want to be part of a 'click' but I can see myself getting pushed out. Just from little comments etc and I just cant be bothered with it. I have children, another woman has children but the other 3 girls don't. I feel like I am back at school! We are aged 23-32 (me being in the middle of those ages) so its all pretty pathetic.

I am thinking about looking for a new job because of this, even though I now work from home permanently and I can drop and collect my children off at school. My DH says I would be mad to give this up but will support me no matter what I want to do. Why do I care so much what people think.... it really is toxic. How do you break this? Advice please.

I don’t want to give to much away but it is a professional firm but our team runs itself as such. We only have 1 manager running it (which is a shit show really). The manager does not care what we do as long as the job is done - hasn’t really checked in with any of us since lockdown. The manager knows none of the team have respect for him anylonger so as long as our work is done and he isn’t getting complaints from the outsiders he does not care (I can’t believe he is on about 80k a year). The women in our team just try to run the show, and get frustrated when our manager doesn’t listen and makes his own decisions. Doesn’t excuse the way they behave though does it? These women have previosilybsaid who they choose to socialise with outside of work is up to them.

Previously said ** sorry typo

You're thinking of leaving a job because three women you don't even like have a whatsapp group and occasionally socialise without you? How paranoid can you get!

Remember where you said this:
"My problem is that I find it hard to say no. To anyone!"

That was where you identified the solution to dealing with any number of potential problems you might come against in life. Including this one.

Of course it's up to them who they socialise with outside work!

Well I was thinking about leaving lol till I realised how bat shit crazy it was ! Have you ever been in a position where you think people have something against you @katy1213?? Now I’ve realised I just can’t be bothered as the whole of it is laughable. Valuable lesson learned to not get over invested in absolute idiots who want to have a little “gang”. I can’t believe I was ever made to feel this way and think that it was all in my head. I am so happy it wasn’t !

I would leave if there was genuine bullying going on or an actual serious reason to, I live a 5 min walk from home so it would have to take something way more serious than the op to make me change jobs.

I am at work to work, sure I have a joke and a laugh sometimes but I am not there for a bff type thing

They are bullies. I would distance myself from them. If you are working from home do you have much to do with them?

In my experience it's hard to find hours that suit childcare etc. I would prioritise that level of convenience over how some unpleasant people behave. But I do understand how such behaviour can negatively impact mental health.

I'm older and these days I tell people if I think they are behaving like twats. Doesnt make me more popular but at least they know they cant manipulate me by dangling friendship, not interested!

But they haven't got anything against you; they've invited you away for a weekend. And sometimes they make arrangements without you; quite possibly because they don't have children and you do. You don't have to invite the entire office every time you go out for a drink!

@katy1213 I understand your reasoning but inviting everyone who’s going the break away apart from me? (I’m not the only one who has children in this group). Now can you see why I initially took offence? And then I was lied to; they basically tried to make out they hadn’t been out together - maybe this was to not hurt my feelings but I would rather be told straight than people lie to my face or go behind my back? I would pretty much say this is singling someone out.

I think you have a shit manager personally. Zero leadership and a complete uninvolved attitude. He needs to pay attention to his team and be more supportive especially looking at cohesiveness while working remotely.
However, as a way to manage your current dilemma gradually withdraw your energy from work colleagues and focus on your own family and friends as others have said

Yeah exactly I just need to apply this. I feel like this has slightly triggered my mental health as I question myself thinking “what did I actually do wrong to annoy them? Am I not a likeable person ? My beliefs are BeKind yet do others not live like this? What was the need to lie to me and cover things up when I called one of the women out on it?”. Logically, I KNOW I’ve done nothing wrong and I hold my hands up I am a people pleaser, and logically I know in my head these things happen and you move on from it. So why does my brain have so many questions ?!

Sorry for the ramble everyone but I guess that’s what MN is here for right!