Long post... feeling pushed out by girls at work. WWYD?

[LifeLessons102]

Hi Everyone, I hope I am posting in the right place. Apologies if not but I am looking for some advice and thoughts here… might be a long one.

I started my work place over 2 yrs ago and my team of 10 had a family vibe. We were all very close and fitted in great - I was covering a woman (Lets call her Emma) going on mat leave. Everyone was lovely, we all went on days/nights out and everything was good. Fast forward 9 months.. Emma comes back from Mat leave, I am offered a permanent job and we split the work load (there was more than enough due to this business growth). When she came back from mat leave she felt a little pushed out (she hadn't been in the loop for 9 months) and her main work friend had now got close with another colleague. When Emma came back to work she made it clear she wanted a promotion (I was fine with this, however others took offence) and she got her head down. For some reason some people took a disliking to this as they said it was the way Emma went about it. So 3 other girls started ignoring her, bitching behind her back etc and Emma picked up on this. I was fine with her throughout however she would confide in me asking what she had done wrong and I told her I had no idea but to maybe tackle it head on and speak to the other girls who clearly have a problem. Anyhow, long story short - she confronted them and it all blew up. This resulted in Emma having massive anxiety about coming to work and about 2 months later she found another job and moved away completely. When she left I felt the other 3 girls started to single out another colleague - Lets call her Kate (I kind of expected this may happen). They would invite Kate out a lot but then always used to bitch about her behind her back!! Anyhow Kate got fed up of it, distanced herself and started not coming out with us anymore (I don't blame her either, but I was worried about being pushed out next).

Anyhow, so now Emma had left they employed a new lady to work alongside me. She started just before lockdown. We have all been working from home since Feb however me and those 3 other girls have met a handful of times. RIGHT SO HERES THE MAIN PART I WANT TO SAY - I now feel like these 3 girls and the new lady have a whatsapp group chat without me. Just my gut feeling from conversations we've all had when we are out and things haven't added up. It doesn't sit right with me and I think they've been meeting up and not asking me. I don't have any proof of this, maybe this is all in my head but If I've got a gut feeling it's usually right. This should not bother me as I have friends outside of work, I have my own family and children... but this IS bothering me. They've asked if I want to go on a weekend away in December with them (so 5 of us in total) and I've stupidly said yes. but now I feel like I am not part of this 'click'. I don't want to be part of a 'click' but I can see myself getting pushed out. Just from little comments etc and I just cant be bothered with it. I have children, another woman has children but the other 3 girls don't. I feel like I am back at school! We are aged 23-32 (me being in the middle of those ages) so its all pretty pathetic.

I am thinking about looking for a new job because of this, even though I now work from home permanently and I can drop and collect my children off at school. My DH says I would be mad to give this up but will support me no matter what I want to do. Why do I care so much what people think.... it really is toxic. How do you break this? Advice please.

The only thing you have in common with these people is that you all have the same employer.

That's it. They are work colleagues, not friends.

Are you all in Real Estate? In LA? Is your name Mary? Is this Selling Sunset?

Disclaimer- Never ever watch that sort of shite but lockdown must have addled my brain. 🤣🤣

It is easier said than done to just get your head down and work. I assume you have to actually work with these people, and at the moment you are working from home so there is no physical divide from work to enable you to escape it mentally in your own time. It sounds like you may be seeking validation from these people. Is there a way you could work on your own confidence and self-esteem so even when you are confronted with their unreasonable behaviour you are really able to recognise and accept that it’s no reflection on you?

My advice, is never be over-friendly with your colleagues. I've worked since I was 16 and I'm now in my fifties. I've made one close friend in all that time.

I am completely professional, always try to be friendly, but never get sucked into the bitchiness and over-friendliness. From my observation it always goes wrong. Distance yourself, be professional, concentrate at work, work hard - but make friends outside work.

Sounds like school not work

If you stood by and watched while your colleagues were bullied then continued to socialise with them then you’re complicit with the bullies and you’re as bad as they are, it’s that simple. I’d probably suggest growing the hell up, going to work to do your actual job and distancing yourself from these women. Saying you’re a people please is a huge cop out, take some responsibility for your own actions as an adult.

I couldn't even read all of that first post.

Makes me glad I have no colleagues.

They sound horrible. There is no way I would want to be friends or meet up with people like that. Why would you?

I would be hesitant to leave a job that has the hours/wfh you prefer at this time when jobs are so insecure. No harm in keeping an eye out though in case another opportunity does appear.

In the meantime, I would have no social involvement with these colleagues whatsoever. If you are full time wfh now you may never need to see them again. You are there to do a job, you are not obliged to do have any relationship with them beyond professional civility. Decline any invites, who cares what they think? If you find it really hard then make up a covid related reason why you particularly need to limit contact. But honestly, you don't need an excuse. Maybe they will read into that you don't like them, that might do them good tbh.

@Keeva2017 yes I cringe when I hear other women do the I prefer men speech
It’s desperately sad and what a sentiment,to not consider other women enriching

This kind of set up always ends up turning on the one they feel most jealous of. Maybe jealous of your family set up, or see you as a contender for the next promotion. I have had a bit of this. My employer, who I had an excellent working relationship with, did ask at one point 'what's going on' when he realized there were a lot of subtle comments coming at him aimed at undermining me. Stupidly I said nothing, thinking don't complain, don't explain, thinking it would all blow over. Eventually the drip drip of undermining did alter what had been a very successful and happy working relationship. No easy answers and maybe moving on yourself is the best answer. Good luck

Somehow, the bitches always seem enticing. why the hell is that? It's taken me a long time to finally see the light myself, so I completely get it...but please take the good advice from PP, why on earth would you want to be friends with such nasty people? Cancel the weekend away. Now. You've already said you know you'll feel pushed out, so why on earth waste a whole weekend of your life? It's likely it will only push things to a head and make work more difficult. Make an excuse, cancel, slowly reduce contact with them until they are just work colleagues again. No drama needed.

Op they are a bitchy two-faced group. You knew this. Why are you surprised that you are quite likely on the receiving end of this behaviour now? You were always going to get your turn, everyone does. It doesn't even mean they don't like you, it's just what they do for entertainment. Don't take it personally.

But don't join them in this behaviour. It's nasty and beneath you.

Make your excuses about the weekend away - keep your explaining very short, sweet and firm. No need to leave the WhatsApp group but I would mute it. Be friendly but not friends.

Op,covid is a gift Of an excuse to decrease social activity with them
And in mean time reflect upon what’s gone on,and how to maintain a professional work demeanour

Don’t leave but distance yourself. Should be easy to do now your WFH. Just mute the whatsapp group and block it from your mind, your anxiety will calm with distance from them. Don’t leave your job over it though!

Are they literally girls or are they women?

@IdkickJilliansass
Helpful sarcastic comment.

😂😂😂 It’s not sarcastic or helpful

"First they came for Emma..."

@Elsewyre

"First they came for Emma..."

😂😂😂

@feistyoneyouare

This thread is reminding me why I tend to prefer male friends to female. I know I'm going to be called a misogynist (I'm not), but OMG women can be such two-faced bitches sometimes, and some of them make friendships so bloody complicated and exhausting. (I'm referring to your colleagues OP, not you.)

OP they don't sound worth the stress. I think all you can do is try to rise above, but I've been in similar situations and I know it can be hard not to feel hurt by this kind of stuff.

You're confusing scapegoating narcissists with women I've been on the receiving end of this behavior but luckily I'm not writing off an entire sex because of the behavior of a few. You are a misogynist if yo ucan't see this.

I agree with you that the group doesn't work. They have proved that they aren't a cohesive group.

OP, sometimes you can be punished for having values. People don't automatically love you more for holding up a mirror to their flaws, blind spots and inadequacies. Learned that the hard way.

I would go in to small talk mode at work.

Or, go down in flames. Announce to them all that you feel like the group isn't very inclusive and although you know you can't fix that on your own, you hope that there'll be others who just want a more inclusive harmonious atmosphere at work. Then shrug. Then focus on one to one communication.

[quote Keeva2017]@SentientAndCognisant yes!!! You’ve articulated it so well. I cringe whenever I hear “I just get on better with men” “women don’t like me” yada yada.

9 times out of 10 there is some underlying need to be perceived as different (better) than other women and therefore receive male approval.

You said it better though.[/quote]
Yes, a female relative in my extended family who gives me the silent treatment (because I defended a very small boundary) also prefers male company. She would have tolerated that small boundary from any of the male relatives but when I set it, it triggered her BAAAAAAAADLY. She decided to make me the lightening rod for her anger and defensiveness.

The way these women treated Emma and Kate sounds awful. Why would you care if they have a group without you? They’re clever not nice people- I would think yourself lucky if they’re moving away from you and distance yourself from them.

Just checking in with an update. My gut feeling was right!!! I found out today they met up for drinks over the weekend and didn’t ask me to go. Long story short, I’ve learnt my lesson about making “friends” at work! Honestly, sticking with my own friends and family ! As for the break away... I still haven’t picked up the courage to say I’m not going as they will all lose money. I can’t really get out of it can I?

Fuck this shit
It’s so immature
It’s like year 8
OP just disengage massively
Do your work , rise above

And keep professional and personal separate

What is this workplace ? Are not leadership aware of this ? It’s weird