Relationship with my adult son

[sadmum52]

I’m looking for some advice on improving my relationship with my grown son.

Background: I raised him as a single mum when his dad left at around 3months old. Encouraged him and helped to have a relationship with his dad but he now doesn’t want one . He has always been an independent child . When he was 18 he was due to go to Uni and my husband had a job offer in Scotland. We discussed it and he said he would happily move in with my mum for 6 months until he went to uni so I moved to Scotland. I came back regularly and was always there for important stuff. He went to uni for three years and then two days after he finished uni he moved to USA to work for three years. When he came back to settle he said he was living with my mum as it was closer to a good job and friends . All well so far. He has since met the love of his life . She is perfect and we all love her so much .

My issue is they now live in London . I understand that boys are crap at keeping in touch but I work on the basis that he is ok and if there was an issue I’m his first call . They come home every other weekend and stay with her mum and dad . To be honest they have money and a bigger house and more space. They arrive on a Friday evening and I never hear from them ( unless I can do something for them ) until 2pm on a Sunday where I get 1 hour with them looking at their watches for the train times.

I would rather they didn’t come if I’m an after thought , a chore if you like. I have raised it with him and his response is “ we don’t spend all the time with her mum and dad . We do other stuff and meet friends etc . It’s just a base.” Since getting together they have been on holiday with them, days out etc . We don’t get that . If suggested we get “ we will have to see” . We are extremely welcoming to his girlfriend and have even asked is there anything we can do to make her more comfortable in our home .

I know I’m worrying about the future before it arrives but what if they have children? Marriage and babies have been discussed already . I don’t want to be pushed into the background of my grandchildren life .

I have now backed off and let them come to me and see how long it is before I speak or see him / them .

Any advise on what I can do to improve the situation?

Well I don’t think backing off in a childish stand off (that he won’t even know he’s in!) will help.

When he was still doing his A levels, you chose your husband over him.

You can’t force a close relationship - why have you even had a conversation where he’s defended himself about using the other house as a base? One thing to say, “you can stay here instead if you like.” But what did you say that led him to explain he wasn’t spending all his time with her parents.

Do not mention grandchildren! It just makes it sound like your interest in him/her is to secure access to them. It might not be what you mean - but it could definitely seem that way.

Why don’t you go to visit him in London?

My advice is to keep up the regularly, light hearted chat - to remain in regular contact. Rather than deliberately waiting to see how it takes him. Be very conscious of showing an interest in his life.

Could the issue be your husband they don't care much for?

Unfort I see this often with males! If I was you my advice would be to build up a relationship with his girlfriend so she wants to see you. Males often tend to do what their partners want to do.

So you moved to another country and left your 17 year old behind? Not surprising that you don't have a great relationship with him now then...

It sounds like he just isn't that close to you. And if his girlfriend is close to her parents, it would be natural for them to spend more time with her parents than with you.

You don't want to be pushed into the background of your grandchildrens lives? You don't have any grandchildren by them! Good grief.

If you're that concerned, instead of backing off and sounding like a sulking child, keep trying to build a bond with your son.

Perhaps your attitude is a factor in him not being close to you

Ime a crucial part of his life (as he became an adult) you were absent... Your relationship has suffered due to this.
I was estranged from my ds 16-18 approximately and it took a good few years to put it right. Sadly ds still punishes me for it at times and withdraws completely.. I haven't heard from him since last nye..
Time and patience op.
Incidently do not allow yourself to become an atm to compensate...

Esh mother in law from hell coming soon..

You left your son behind for your husband and then have a nerve that his duty visits anit enough for you. Well lady you deep what you sow.

The gf clearly likes her parents and your son clearly likes them too they go their because they want to without expectation and duty. You can’t have that because you don’t have that relationship with your son and worrying about future grandchildren shows your care even now ain’t actually for your son it’s all about what you want.

I think people are being quick to lay this at your door op. I don't think your post can possibly give enough information on the depths and forces at play in a long relationship like this and more once a third party is in the mix.
It does sound like the hour at your house before they go back to London is a bit of a duty visit, but why that should be wouldn't be possible to say without hearing their side.
Assuming all people in this situation are basically decent humans at heart, I think your best approach would be to arrange to see them at their home, go with a warm heart and an open mind and just let them know you would love a warm friendship-like relationship with them both but have noticed they gravitate in other directions. Ask them if there is any reason for this which you might not be aware of... Hello the conversation develop keeping it away from accusations, keep it in the vein of not being needy, just loving them and wanting to be part of their lives in a mutually enjoyable way.
It might be that you have given the wrong impression to them of jealousy perhaps or neediness, they might have selfishly not realised that all the times they choose other people not you have been adding up over a long time.
Hopefully an open warm conversation can mean both parties understand each other better. One has to assume that if there is live both sides that a dissatisfactory situation is based on a lack of appreciation of the others point of view.
It is possible that they prefer the better money and house and are shallow but you can only hope not.
It may be that you have been dropping passive aggressive hints and it sours the atmosphere, who knows, but communication including calm and listening is the only cure really.

I don’t think you should withdraw. I think you have to keep making the effort - invite them to specific things (dinner, days out etc), phone or text every few days just to check in, show an interest in his life and his girlfriend’s life. The relationship is going to be what you make it, since you can’t rely on him making the effort.

Did you remain close to him after you moved away? I know you said he was away a lot but did you speak often? did he keep you in the loop of his life etc? When you say 'come home' where do you mean? How far away from her parents do you live?

I wouldn't worry about grandchildren just yet, i understand what you mean but they don't exist at the moment and you don't know what the situation will be then. Maybe she is very close to her parents so they feel its easier to stay there? Could you arrange a family meal with them both and say how much you'd love to take them out and spend time with them and see what they say?

I say this as a DIL who really wanted to be close to my husbands family, but unfortunately they are so toxic that i have had to admit defeat-I would have loved my MIL to want to get to know me but hey ho! It might take some time but i hope you get there!

I think it's entirely possible that they genuinely do use her parents house as a base and are out and about seeing friends and doing things, so I wouldn't take that too personally. You say you've suggested doing specific things but they haven't been keen, so this is tricky, but can you invite them to something or suggest a particular activity they might like to do together? Or visit them in London and suggest dinner or a show (post Covid) or whatever? ie engineer mutually enjoyable opportunities to see each other and spend time together and just enjoy that? The problem with one hour visits at your home is that they will feel forced and there's no way to build shared experiences.

If your son has lived away from you since he was 17 I think it's probably not odd that he doesn't feel the need to spend a lot of time with you. I've always been close to my family but even my sister who lives fairly close by, I only see at most once a month or so. Admittedly, if my dad lived locally I'm sure I'd see him more often, but certainly, with any distance involved, it would be erratic.

I don't think people saying it is because you went to Scotland it's all your fault is fair, all parties knew it was for 6 months only as at that point he would be leaving the family home anyway, that wouldn't have bothered me at that age from a parent who had been there all my life.
I also don't think saying worrying about your future relationship with GC shows you don't care about him... It is possible to want both you know, and if his partner is a serious relationship you'd be blind for it not to cross your mind it's on the horizon. Of course if all you care about is the GC that will come across but op is saying she wants her son and his partner who they love too.
The son has gone NC with his father which suggests that this parent figure in his life has done some emotional damage, it is possible this is affecting his approach, perhaps his emotions towards op are tangled up with that in a way that maybe even he doesn't understand. Perhaps he feels she continued to that issue or she is just too strongly associated with it all, not all men reflect on these things and try to resolve them, some just find it all uncomfortable and avoid.

You moved away when your son was in the middle of his A-levels? That's not what a supportive parent does. So I'm another person who thinks you are reaping what you have sown.

Also agree with PPs that stopping contact and playing mind games will just make it much worse.
If you want a kind, loving relationship you need to behave in a kind and loving way. Not sulk, stop contact and complain.

Do you have things in common? Sport? Films? Art? Can you do specific things together in London (just you not your partner). So you have something to talk about/share. Just sitting in having a cup of tea is quite dull and a man his age won’t be that into it. Not too late but you have to think ‘why would he hang out with me if we weren’t related’

It’s petulant of you to withdraw. Don’t make it a competition. You’ll lose. I wonder whether he may feel a little abandoned and that you fobbed him off on his grandma whilst you moved to Scotland with your husband. You can’t force a closeness that just isn’t there.

Try and look at the situation differently. For whatever reason they don't spend much time with you, and it feels strained. That's what you need to change. You can't do that by drawing attention to it, by beating yourself up over past situations, or by guilt tripping anyone.

Be more positive- invite them to lunch over the weekend, or to an event which is on. Suggest going for a walk and having fish and chips/cream tea while you are out. Organise something that involves her parents too.

Make something happen that you can encourage them to join in with, rather than lamenting that it isn't happening naturally.

I don't think you should make this into a big issue, your Son became quite independent some time ago,and went out and chose his own kind of life style. You don't know what will happen if he has any children,but at the moment,he is here and there, especially as he now has a girlfriend. You should not dwell on the thoughts of how perfect you wish things to be, but just accept how things are at the moment.

Perhaps they do not agree to do things with you because they are worried about the expense for you -
If you are you relentlessly positive and flattering with him, then in time, he will respond to that.

His hour with you is definitely a box ticking exercise.
Say absolutely nothing more about it and grin and bear it unfortunately.
You cannot force him to spend time with you.
He's mid 20's now? So life is very much about what suits him.

Welcome them and build your relationship with them both as best you can, with no pressure.

He disconnected from you quite young.
Just be interested and non demanding I think.
Wishing you well.

I think the one thing people need to know about my son and his “ ALevel” is this . He would have passed if I had sat next to him every night or been 300 miles away . The child is a genius and was 100 % not worried about his results . All he wanted was to get to Uni , get his degree so he could go to USA. He has never worked hard or worried about school in all his life as it’s comes naturally to him .

Second: they adore my husband . He calls him Dad and when his gf bought up the idea of babies she asked What the were going to tell The child about its “ grandad” my sons reply was nothing it will know it’s grandad as he will be the man who lives with my mum.

Third: he wasn’t abandoned for me to go to Scotland. He was 17 when I went in the Feb, he turned 18 in the august and went to Uni in the September. We were by his side every step of the way . I travelled from Scotland to England for every single event , milestone he had to do. We supported him financially so he didn’t have to get a part time job and he came to Scotland to live for 18 months when he came back from USA but missed his mates and this is why he moved back to England .

His girlfriend I have tried to forge a relationship with and we have a love of musicals and theatre and I have booked many trips to various plays over the two years they have been together . She has a medical condition which we make sure she has her special food and drink in for the times they do visit so she feels at home . I cook the food she loves and makes sure it’s not spicy etc.

I have visited London on a few occasions ( hard with COVID this year) and have a theatre trip planned when the theatre opens . All paid for so it’s our treat .

Withdrawing : I’m only suggesting that as to give them space and then come and see us when they WHAT to not when they have to

Today and always if that child calls I run . I support him in very way a mother can and my husband in very he is able .

I’m looking for tips on how to get closer to them both and make the relationship easier for all . I remember back in the day my first real serious boyfriend and how hard it was so looking for ways to make it easier on everyone . Believe me if you met my son my leaving him for 6 months has no effect on him what so ever. The only thing he has ever said slightly negative about his childhood and up bringing is that he would have like siblings. As he is mixed race he wanted brothers and sister that looked like him but as his father left when he was tiny that wasn’t going to happen and I didn’t want babies with unsuitable men and when I did meet the right man for us both it was to late and babies were out of the question.

side note her dad lives out the country for 9 months of the year and her mum doesn’t seem than interested in them and throws money at the situation by taking them on holiday, which they pay for *

How long had you been with your husband when you decided to move to Scotland?

Perhaps you are struggling because you are comparing. He sounds very self motivated and self contained. That's what allowed him to go to the USA, and you to go to Scotland. That's a different relationship from the one his girlfriend has with her mum, perhaps. They may be more reliant on each other because her father goes away a lot.

When grandchildren arrive, if they do, it's all up in the air again. They may well shift in how they relate to either set of parents.

I have 2 grown up sons and this is normal behaviour.

Boys don't contact their mums much.
Not unless they need you. Otherwise they are happy leading their lives.
Just be glad that he seems happy and well adjusted and has found someone that loves him.

I agree with this Make something happen that you can encourage them to join in with, rather than lamenting that it isn't happening naturally.

I think you don't need to worry about blame or what is going wrong, more see it as a natural dynamic. You said there is more space at her house, and girls are often closer to their adult parents, so it is probably just that.

I think you just need to accept they will go there more but not see it as a competition. You can't undo the past and it sounds like you weighed it all up at the time and made your decision.

Offer lots of invites, be really chatty with DIL and build up that relationship and be there when they need you - lots of offers without being pushy or overbearing.

Ultimately also remember you are a human and deserve to be respected, so don't spend all your time worrying and trying to get them to reciprocate. You have to accept it for what it is eventually.

I know how tough it can be with adult DC who are distant.