Relationship with my adult son

[sadmum52]

I’m looking for some advice on improving my relationship with my grown son.

Background: I raised him as a single mum when his dad left at around 3months old. Encouraged him and helped to have a relationship with his dad but he now doesn’t want one . He has always been an independent child . When he was 18 he was due to go to Uni and my husband had a job offer in Scotland. We discussed it and he said he would happily move in with my mum for 6 months until he went to uni so I moved to Scotland. I came back regularly and was always there for important stuff. He went to uni for three years and then two days after he finished uni he moved to USA to work for three years. When he came back to settle he said he was living with my mum as it was closer to a good job and friends . All well so far. He has since met the love of his life . She is perfect and we all love her so much .

My issue is they now live in London . I understand that boys are crap at keeping in touch but I work on the basis that he is ok and if there was an issue I’m his first call . They come home every other weekend and stay with her mum and dad . To be honest they have money and a bigger house and more space. They arrive on a Friday evening and I never hear from them ( unless I can do something for them ) until 2pm on a Sunday where I get 1 hour with them looking at their watches for the train times.

I would rather they didn’t come if I’m an after thought , a chore if you like. I have raised it with him and his response is “ we don’t spend all the time with her mum and dad . We do other stuff and meet friends etc . It’s just a base.” Since getting together they have been on holiday with them, days out etc . We don’t get that . If suggested we get “ we will have to see” . We are extremely welcoming to his girlfriend and have even asked is there anything we can do to make her more comfortable in our home .

I know I’m worrying about the future before it arrives but what if they have children? Marriage and babies have been discussed already . I don’t want to be pushed into the background of my grandchildren life .

I have now backed off and let them come to me and see how long it is before I speak or see him / them .

Any advise on what I can do to improve the situation?

I think just be very chilled OP. You are very open to suggestions and fantastic at taking on new perspectives - this is what is clear from this whole thread. Always being considerate, as you are being, and things will be ok with your children and any future grandchildren. Personally, I'm just happy to be there to be useful for my son, and I think it's the easiest, since we are always being told, and it's clearly the case that it's children being happy which is important.
Perhaps girlfriend is not actually the easiest of people, but, as we all know, there's nothing we can do about it as parents of adult sons, and these young people have got a lot of changing and maturing to get through. I'm sure just being as nice as we can be as parents is all we can do.

Update* I think the problem has just solved itself . They have just bought a kitten . Then they have realised that when they visit the cannot take it to the other family as they have a lot of pets so guess who is "babysitting" ? That's right good old mum . Happy to do it but as I know how obsessed both are over animals I suspect it wont be dropped off on a Friday and collected on a Sunday . I have suggested that they sleep here so they can be near her and they both think this is a good idea so we shall see how it goes .