Relationship with my adult son

[sadmum52]

I’m looking for some advice on improving my relationship with my grown son.

Background: I raised him as a single mum when his dad left at around 3months old. Encouraged him and helped to have a relationship with his dad but he now doesn’t want one . He has always been an independent child . When he was 18 he was due to go to Uni and my husband had a job offer in Scotland. We discussed it and he said he would happily move in with my mum for 6 months until he went to uni so I moved to Scotland. I came back regularly and was always there for important stuff. He went to uni for three years and then two days after he finished uni he moved to USA to work for three years. When he came back to settle he said he was living with my mum as it was closer to a good job and friends . All well so far. He has since met the love of his life . She is perfect and we all love her so much .

My issue is they now live in London . I understand that boys are crap at keeping in touch but I work on the basis that he is ok and if there was an issue I’m his first call . They come home every other weekend and stay with her mum and dad . To be honest they have money and a bigger house and more space. They arrive on a Friday evening and I never hear from them ( unless I can do something for them ) until 2pm on a Sunday where I get 1 hour with them looking at their watches for the train times.

I would rather they didn’t come if I’m an after thought , a chore if you like. I have raised it with him and his response is “ we don’t spend all the time with her mum and dad . We do other stuff and meet friends etc . It’s just a base.” Since getting together they have been on holiday with them, days out etc . We don’t get that . If suggested we get “ we will have to see” . We are extremely welcoming to his girlfriend and have even asked is there anything we can do to make her more comfortable in our home .

I know I’m worrying about the future before it arrives but what if they have children? Marriage and babies have been discussed already . I don’t want to be pushed into the background of my grandchildren life .

I have now backed off and let them come to me and see how long it is before I speak or see him / them .

Any advise on what I can do to improve the situation?

We had been together 7 years and married for 3. My son was if he wanted me to stay till he started Uni but he said no he was happy to move in with my mum. My husband had gone 5 months previously so it wasn’t like I went with him straight away. I was made redundant from my job in the January which kind of prompted the move earlier than September when it was supposed to happen . I always consulted him on ever major thing in our lives . When I got married etc. My husband even asked for his permission before he proposed . He gave me away at our wedding .

That’s amazing . Thank you that’s just what I’m looking for and really helpful. Appreciate that and take that all on board

One other thing...And it may sound patronising but I have heard similar advice for a few issues and it has really helped me.

A friend in a similar situation cracked it by really reflecting and then changing how she was with them. Rather than matter of fact questions about jobs, what have you been doing etc when she saw them which can become a grilling, she realised the need to charm and make them feel good. She made an effort to praise, drop compliments, sound impressed, encourage and generally switch the chat to make it positive.

Flattery goes a long way...! If you make people feel good, they like you.

Potter5 thank you . I am so happy . She is everything I have ever wanted for him she is beautiful inside and out. They love each other so much . I just want her to be close to me as well . I have the mother in law from hell so I suppose I have learnt from the best of how not to be so over anxious to be a good one . He came this Saturday gone and needed help with his car so, of course, mum was the one up with the crack of the dawn to drive him two hours to drop it off and he was telling me about his new job and I told him how very very proud I was of him . I just want them to know I’m there for them both and hope I can forge a good relationship with her . Perhaps I’m trying to hard hence the back off comment. Thanks for your reply

Hyper hippo thank you that’s a good point. As I only get an hour every visit I go tend to spend it with them and ask them stuff about their lives etc. I suppose cause they are at her house longer they don’t get that there . He did once say “ you don’t have to sit with us all the time you know “ . The next time they came I busied myself cooking dinner so they didn’t feel smothered . Will take that on board

I agree with PPs that the distance between you and your DS came about because you went away with your DH to Scotland whilst he was doing his A levels. He very likely felt abandoned by you even if he wasn’t able to vocalise this.

You can rebuild your relationship with him but it won’t happen overnight and you need to be patient.

It might just be a boys thing. My brother is a bit like that.

After the pandemic, could you treat them to a long weekend in paris or prague or berlin or whatever together? If you do that every year or twice a year and make it light and fun (but with seperate hotelrooms) then you'd get more quality time together. It might bring you closer. If not, then at least you have some real time together.

I didn’t mean to sound critical of your decision to go away, there were clearly good reasons and your DS understood them, but it naturally created some distance between you. It sounds as if there’s a lot of love there still, so I’m sure you will be close to him again.

Theatre trips sound good and you could take future kids too. There are some shows happening now so maybe suggest that.

Also the positive praise idea - even grown up kids like that - and it is so dull to just hear moans and stories about jean down the Roads new fence etc

I think it is what some posters have said about girls being close to their parents and males with girlfriends tending to do what their partners choose. It's perfectly possible that they are out with friends and not spending masses of quality time with her folks.

It could be typical youthful disorganization and, by the time they come to you, they genuinely are running out of time for the train and scared they'll miss it.. Not by design, just the way it is. They are probably comfortable with you and to ask favours of you - which is lovely and not atypical of kids. It's a bit immature of him, perhaps, but maybe he is a little bit young emotionally.

Do you drive? Could you run them to the station, so you have time in the car with them. Maybe if they get a car and start to come by car, they will have more time for popping between houses of parents, and will leave in the evening and have longer with you.

If they become a long-term item, you might get to know his in laws and can get together for shared meals out with the kids, and perhaps it will be different. You could find that grandkids come along and you will be babysitting and texting son and partner re arrangements more than you can imagine!

Mittens . I can assure you and everyone on here that my son has no problem with vocalising anything to me or anyone . He knows that if the choice comes between him and anyone he would win anytime. If he wasn’t happy about me going he would have said so knowing I wouldn’t go until he was at UNI . To expect me to stay in the town he grew up in once moved to uni would have been a bit much . He wanted to go to his nana as he knows A: she spoils him rotten ( tea and toast bought to his room at 10pm every night) and B: he could pull the wool over her eyes with what he was doing ( when we went on honeymoon and she stayed with him he convinced her he was going to school everyday but wasn’t . I found out on day one when the school texted me . Bit of a shock for him as he had planned on 2 weeks of doing nothing ). He is a confident, polite, intelligent, good looking ( gets this from my not his dad lol ) witty and generally a perfect human being. I just don’t know how to have a relationship with a man who is no longer my baby boy ( he will always be my baby but you know what I mean )

I don’t entirely agree with this but

“A son is a son till he takes him a wife,
A daughters a daughter for all of her life”.

When I look at my aunts relationships With their sons it’s miles apart: my one aunt has three daughters and they practically live in each other’s houses and my other aunt has two boys and it’s meet up for events.

Both equally loving families.

I agree with a PP just stay relentlessly positive with them.

I am super close with my mum therefore my DP spends time with them more than his own parents. I think, often, sons can be crap and don't put any effort it. My DP wouldn't even see his mum and dad if I didn't suggest things. Unlike everyone else I don't think 6 months apart is the reason for this at all - just down to general closeness. You also mentioned her dad is only home for certain times and they pay for holidays so yeah, unsurprising they spend more time with them.

I think just continue trying to be involved and supportive and think of things to do together (hard with COVID I understand)

Stay positive, cheery, and invite them out regularly.

I stood back a bit when my kids got older because I didn't want to be that needy mum, and thought they'd want their independence. But years later I discovered that no, they wanted me to be in their lives more!

So keep inviting them to stuff. Instead of waiting for them to pop in on their way home from her parents, invite them somewhere earlier in the weekend. For a meal or a walk...anything. They might have other plans sometimes, but just keep inviting them, accept cheerfully if they can't make it, and try again another time.

I also agree it's because he is the male and they generally are more rubbish at bothering with their own families.

This is definitely the case with my brother as it's all about his fiancee's family and bugger us. I saw him more when he was with an ex but I realised it was her keeping that relationship up. My exH barely saw his family and put very little effort in when we were together and bollocks if I was facilitiating that. Now we've split he makes more of an effort as he doesn't have many others around him.

If I think of all the men I know, family or through friends, they all do more or see more of the woman's family because she is the one that makes the effort.

Op the technical s are almost totally irrelevant.

Dh and I would rather sit, comfortably, relaxed, chatting with my dm in a tiny cluttered room than sit awkward, formal and scared about drips and crumbs at mils.

It's very tricky and ultimately comes down conversation, interests, shared humour etc.

Can he help himself to the fridge, turn TV on, move freely about the house? Does he feel like it's his 🏡. Could he get his gf a drink without any frisson... Could she help herself?

I imagine they can both do this at her mums...

The musicals sounds v promising and a good area you can build on. My Mil would have never ever bothered to find out what my interests are!
What you did was a kind gesture, but does she feel relaxed around you?

• I had very good relationships with my dp. Even some of friends and family were in awe of it.

We could laugh together, shared same humour, I'd feel totally comfortable taking them out with my friends!! Both were very sociable and good fun. They made efforts with my friends over the years and enjoyed their company.... Chatted, socialised...

I felt easy around them...

Yes they help themselves to what ever they like. I was thrilled a few months ago as she used the loo without asking. I’ve told her to treat this house as she would her own. I asked if there was something we could do to make her more comfortable and enjoy coming more . Apparently she likes us both and is happy to come but words are one thing action are another. I just miss him

I'm just saying some of the reasons we don't see Mil and fil.
Much bigger reasons but these are the little things that build up to make it hard work.

I guess you take an interest in them? Ask about turn, holidays etc.... Again Mil never ever asks... When they come is it all sat in the living room... Quite formal... TV off?

Again, you don't bore them with stories about people they don't know how

If I was you I would look hard at every aspect of the visit... Try and change things up next time, think about the conversation, humour, anything from the past that's funny? Take them out for a meal?

Try not to host a stilted session on sofas... Perhaps be cooking ask them to help.. Causally... Have some music on...

sadmum52

I have a very similar relationship with my dd1 (25) she’s been independent since 18. If she calls I go running, always there to help if she needs me or money.

When she was with her ex she would spend the weekend at his parents - bigger house, amazing views ect..

Kids can be selfish with their time.

Don’t back off keep the lines of communication going, keep talking to his girlfriend and go with the flow. My ex mil was hot on guilt tripping exdh if she hadn’t seen him enough which in turn made him avoid her so I’m keen not to do that

Don’t let it get you down, no one knows what the future will bring

You sound like a very loving mum. I’m sure it’s just a phase for him and you can forge a more naturally close and less forced relationship again. However you definitely won’t achieve that by withdrawing! Some people have given much better advice than I could OP but I wish you all the best with however you decide to approach this.

you don’t have to sit with us all the time you know

I think this is actually quite rude of him. How old are they? It all sounds quite immature and perhaps they just need time to grow up and appreciate tbh! (Switch in tone from my previous post, but this rings alarm bells)

I hope you crack this so you achieve the level of easy closeness you would like.... I'm rooting for you. Your situation is one I can totally see myself in in another 15 years. The currents that our lives drift on can diverge so easily, you never know where life is going to take you geographically and some things naturally create a certain amount of distance, lives get so full and many things compete for attention and time. When I'm at this stage with my ds I can see me wanting to chat twice a week like he's my best friend while ds has better things to do. 😆😆

Hyper why?

It sounds very stilted and formal. People like to feel relaxed with flow, it sounds like he doesn't feel comfortable there and can relax.
Maybe he wants to relax in his home, with his gf.

Do you think when they go to her mums they all sit in the living room? Casting around for things to talk about?
I bet they go in with their own key, say hi, help themselves, move freely around, maybe dinner mentioned, probably quite loose eat together or not... Light chat... Then later on maybe they all sit down, watch TV? Chat?

I've reread original post and I think there's really a strong bond there between you, and your son is being a typical guy, OP.

What strikes me is that his girlfriend's family live in Scotland, quite near to you? So he met her on a visit to your area?. He must be around there a fair bit, or is it just that coincidentally, she is from Scotland?

Deciding to go to US for three years suggests he's very independent and focused on work and doing things: goal-driven. And he came back. He missed you and your mum.

Seeing you more on occasions on which you can do things for him is just normal young person stuff. I think - relax! I think something within you is a little jealous of the girlfriend, but don't be. He will like the fact he can ask you to do stuff for him because it's a sign of your love. Hopefully, the lovely girlfriend will be kind and loving too. Every two weeks is quite frequent to travel to see folks - and friends have to be fitted on too. I think it's a normal, actually, pretty frequent amount of contact for kids of that age, so try not to be worried about the future.