Relationship with my adult son

[sadmum52]

I’m looking for some advice on improving my relationship with my grown son.

Background: I raised him as a single mum when his dad left at around 3months old. Encouraged him and helped to have a relationship with his dad but he now doesn’t want one . He has always been an independent child . When he was 18 he was due to go to Uni and my husband had a job offer in Scotland. We discussed it and he said he would happily move in with my mum for 6 months until he went to uni so I moved to Scotland. I came back regularly and was always there for important stuff. He went to uni for three years and then two days after he finished uni he moved to USA to work for three years. When he came back to settle he said he was living with my mum as it was closer to a good job and friends . All well so far. He has since met the love of his life . She is perfect and we all love her so much .

My issue is they now live in London . I understand that boys are crap at keeping in touch but I work on the basis that he is ok and if there was an issue I’m his first call . They come home every other weekend and stay with her mum and dad . To be honest they have money and a bigger house and more space. They arrive on a Friday evening and I never hear from them ( unless I can do something for them ) until 2pm on a Sunday where I get 1 hour with them looking at their watches for the train times.

I would rather they didn’t come if I’m an after thought , a chore if you like. I have raised it with him and his response is “ we don’t spend all the time with her mum and dad . We do other stuff and meet friends etc . It’s just a base.” Since getting together they have been on holiday with them, days out etc . We don’t get that . If suggested we get “ we will have to see” . We are extremely welcoming to his girlfriend and have even asked is there anything we can do to make her more comfortable in our home .

I know I’m worrying about the future before it arrives but what if they have children? Marriage and babies have been discussed already . I don’t want to be pushed into the background of my grandchildren life .

I have now backed off and let them come to me and see how long it is before I speak or see him / them .

Any advise on what I can do to improve the situation?

Autumnleaves post is good. We all act with good intentions but it is easy to fall into a trap of visits becoming formal and awkward. Shift things to it being that they are hanging out in your house, using it as their own, rather than guests.
Like others have said, be cooking and ask DIL to help. Have the TV on in the background, ask if they could make the lunch/set the table, be casual and busy living rather than focusing it all on them and making it intense.

Really good advice and perspective from Autumn.

Just thought I would post an update and show I took all your kind suggestions on board.

I have revamped the spare bedroom. Nice cosy pillows and bedding , black out curtains, and made it fresh . I have installed a TV in there with a fire stick that gives them access to Netflix ,primme and catch up etc . This is so when they do stay over night it’s not boring for them and they can retreat to there if they wish . I have had two keys cut so they can each have one so they feel like they can come and go at will .

Let’s see what happens . Then again London is in lockdown again so probably won’t get used for a while but at least it’s ready for them when they do come

Thanks to all the nice people who suggested ways to improve my relationship and to those who just judged and were keyboard warriors I hope you all the best and hope your lives are as perfect as you make out .

That sounds brilliant!

That sounds lovely. Why don't you (when lockdown restrictions are lifted) invite them over for an evening of food, drinks, board games/films/whatever you all enjoy, then that's a really good reason for them to stay over. If they start staying over more, they'll realise they enjoy it and want to do it even more often. Even if it's one night at the IL's and the other night with you every other visit, taking on board that they use the IL's at a base and see friends too.

op that sounds wonderful and don't be offended if at first they don't see you and retreat in there..sounds much more homey though !! once they start to relax they will..

@sadmum52

There's another way to look at it too. If they really do just treat her parents' house as a base to go out and meet friends and generally 'do stuff', then it's quite possible that her parents are huffing and puffing under their breath about 'treating this place like it's a bloody hotel'.

And the holidays and days out could be their way of trying to get DS and gf to actually spend some time with them for their own sake rather than hotel staff.

Very true feedingthebirds

I had in some way similar, other ways different, situation and soon realised DIL's parents had their own grievances and frustrations. So don't assume it is you. There are always two sides!!

The bedroom sounds like a super idea. I think it is just letting them feel 'at home' rather than as guests that you need to aim for. I hope all goes well and things improve bit by bit.

Yes. Girlfriend's mum is on her own - well without her husband for nine months of the year - so that could cause extra closeness with daughter.

Whiknows123 I love that idea I will suggest it

Feeding the birds yes probably lol

I think it’s more the sisters that are a draw . She has three sisters and two still live at home . He is an only child so prob likes having “ sisters”. I’m happy that they accept him and he enjoys going there . I just miss my baby boy ( well no so little as he towers over me)

Glad I’m on the right track . I won’t give up trying

Some superficial stuff that might help -

What puts me off at the ILs:

We all have to sit very formally in the living room, where conversation is forced and it feels like work. Strict separation of work - as "visitors" not allowed to help.
They never ask us anything about our lives except the superficial "how's work" but don't really want an answer / appear to listen.
They don't have any interests or hobbies so it's very difficult to make chat w them about their stuff.

What makes me feel good about going to my own parents:

Constantly in and out of the house, shared chores, can just chat freely chopping the carrots or something. More shared experiences and everyday stuff to talk about.
My parents always encourage us to pop out to the pub, not the same level of expectation to be sat together all the time.
My folks always have a project or an opinion about something going on.
It's far easier to chat to them.
They seem genuinely interested to hear our opinions.

The room sounds great OP.

It's always hard for we older ones (parents) not knowing the future, and dear son and his girlfriend are probably imagining theirs, as they've discussed babies already, living in a glorious bubble of new experiences and romantic hopes, not thinking too much about the here and now, but as a stage on the way to wedded bliss.

Let's imagine, these three sisters, and possibly girlfriend's dad still working away, three sisters, all potentially going to sprog. In a few years time everyone will be crying out for OP to babysit, school run, as poor girlfriend's mother struggles to share herself around maybe between 2 - 9 grandchildren. These current reflections will seem a very distant memory and that spare room will be called into service as a nursery, most likely!

Diverse options I’m sitting fingers crossed hoping this will be the case . I will babysit them all lol . I do wish I had, had more children but it wasn’t to be . Looking forward to the grandma stage .

Mumble junction: that’s a valid point and something I’m working on . When they last stayed ( we were going to sort out his car the next day ) I cooked dinner and kind of hung out . I busied myself with other stuff and didn’t sit in the lounge with them . The tv was on etc. When they went to bed they asked if they could steal my iPad to watch stuff . The reason for the tv in the room now . Just hope lockdown breaks before Christmas so they get to see my efforts and enjoy it . If they don’t I’m sleeping in there it’s lovely . Cuddly teddy bear bedding on the bed lol

some judgy posterson here.

i wouldn't want to sound sexist or patronizing....but I really don't think it's all that unusual for boys in the 20s to see their family home as a bit of a chore. it's sort of a bit of a selfish age for most people and many people only see their family every so often. whilst i dont think that the saying about wives/girlfriends is universally true - it might be a bit more true in the UK than elsewhere.

It sounds like your son was already pretty independent at 17....and he went to the USA after uni all by himself. So he is self-reliant and self-sufficient. I am not sure that it's really your fault and in fact you should probably be proud of that.

Its hard to predict the future. In the UK lots of families are closer to the wife's rather than the husband's side. It's very different elsewhere. But people also change in the 30s and things might become different in the future. All you can do is to build a human relationship with them both and enjoy it for what it is. You shouldnt blame yourself for the past but you also cant force him to become five again. But i am sure that you will be able to build a lovely adult relationship with him :-)

I would have been like this (like your DIL) when we were in our twenties pre kids. My in laws’ house wasn’t as comfortable as my parents’ house and I was more keen to see my parents than my DH was to see his. HOWEVER, then we had our DS and my MIL is an absolute natural, she’s just so non judgemental and supportive and wonderful. She delights in everything our DS does and nothing is too much. I’d probably prefer to stay with my in-laws now than my parents and I adore the relationship my son has with my in-laws. So what I’m saying is that all is not lost, just be chilled and when you become a grandparent just be the best possible grandparent you can and I’m sure they’ll be back

Dorris83 thank for that . That’s the nicest comment I’ve have. Really appreciate it xx

Update: found out what the issue is . It’s because I apparently talk about when he was small and show pics etc . We were cleaning out the garage a few months ago and found things from when he was little and showed him and her . A few weeks ago we threw more stuff out to make room for my hoop rig and so was my mum to make room for his stuff. I was asking him the stuff he wanted keeping and stuff he wanted to keep and there fore more baby stuff was gone through . Apparently she doesn’t want to discuss when he was small and he is embarrassed .Just thought I would share the reason in case anyone still thinks it cause I left him for 8 months

Goodness that seems to be a pretty poor reason. Well that's easy not to mention.

Op with your last update, am rather confused, why on earth doesn't she want to hear of his childhood, I (and my sil's-husbands brothers wives) we love hearing about their childhood, how they were when they were younger, lots of funny stories that make us chuckle. I can't see why anyone would have a problem with that. I can understand your ds feeling embarrassed and wanting it not to be discussed, but the gf having objection to it is just weird. I can understand if it's constantly mentioned then it can be annoying.
Am actually curious to know how you manage to find out that was the issue

Sounds like he has just become an independent adult tbh. It sounds like his gf is very close to her parents and unfortunately you and your son aren’t as close. This may be in part due to you moving away when he was a teenager.
I’d give them the time and space they need tbh

@sadmum52

That’s a strange reason, it’s either a lie or his girlfriend is a weirdo. Maybe she’s just said it because she selfishly wants to stay at her parents house. Don’t give up on your son OP. Good luck x

I think the one thing people need to know about my son and his “ ALevel” is this . He would have passed if I had sat next to him every night or been 300 miles away . The child is a genius and was 100 % not worried about his results . All he wanted was to get to Uni , get his degree so he could go to USA. He has never worked hard or worried about school in all his life as it’s comes naturally to him .

Surprised more people haven't commented on this.

I was in the same position as OP's son as a teenager. I was "a genius", everything "came naturally" to me, there was no doubt at all I'd end up with straight As. It was such a cast-iron expectation that no-one cared about anything I did. No-one really celebrated or acknowledged my hard work when I got good results because I was "a genius", so of course I did. No-one took it seriously when I was nervous or overwhelmed, because of course I'd do well when it came down to it. The message was that my fears were unfounded so my feelings didn't matter, basically.

As a result of this and other parenting failures, I now have a very distant relationship with my mum and dad. I smile and pretend when spending time with them, but the truth is I'm happier avoiding them. Seeing my mother, in particular, requires constant emotional labour. It's never relaxing.

There are days when I'd honestly rather sit alone in an empty room than interact with her. She's the victim in everything, she never takes accountability for anything - unless in a very charged, overemotional way designed to get you to comfort and forgive her - and she expects you to just forget it, even when she behaves with shocking selfishness. She sets members of the family against each other and tells really appalling lies, but we're all supposed to feel sorry for her because she's done up a lovely spare room and everyone makes excuses not to stay in it

If she put me on the spot I'd probably make up a silly excuse too. There's no nice way to tell her "you are damaging to my mental health and I can only sustain a relationship with you by limiting my exposure to you". I do still love her, but she's never going to change. All I can do is manage the situation. This pale imitation of a parent-child relationship feels unbearably hollow sometimes, but it's better than the unmitigated nuclear disaster that would result if I actually tried to address the past or get my needs met.

He came today and I bit the bullet and asked him while we were alone. He said the only issue is this . I asked if he felt abandoned and he laughed and said hell no don’t be stupid why would I think that ?

I suggest therapy as this is nothing like my relationship. I have not been perfect but one thing I do k ow is it’s nothing like this . I feel story for your story .