Relationship with my adult son

[sadmum52]

I’m looking for some advice on improving my relationship with my grown son.

Background: I raised him as a single mum when his dad left at around 3months old. Encouraged him and helped to have a relationship with his dad but he now doesn’t want one . He has always been an independent child . When he was 18 he was due to go to Uni and my husband had a job offer in Scotland. We discussed it and he said he would happily move in with my mum for 6 months until he went to uni so I moved to Scotland. I came back regularly and was always there for important stuff. He went to uni for three years and then two days after he finished uni he moved to USA to work for three years. When he came back to settle he said he was living with my mum as it was closer to a good job and friends . All well so far. He has since met the love of his life . She is perfect and we all love her so much .

My issue is they now live in London . I understand that boys are crap at keeping in touch but I work on the basis that he is ok and if there was an issue I’m his first call . They come home every other weekend and stay with her mum and dad . To be honest they have money and a bigger house and more space. They arrive on a Friday evening and I never hear from them ( unless I can do something for them ) until 2pm on a Sunday where I get 1 hour with them looking at their watches for the train times.

I would rather they didn’t come if I’m an after thought , a chore if you like. I have raised it with him and his response is “ we don’t spend all the time with her mum and dad . We do other stuff and meet friends etc . It’s just a base.” Since getting together they have been on holiday with them, days out etc . We don’t get that . If suggested we get “ we will have to see” . We are extremely welcoming to his girlfriend and have even asked is there anything we can do to make her more comfortable in our home .

I know I’m worrying about the future before it arrives but what if they have children? Marriage and babies have been discussed already . I don’t want to be pushed into the background of my grandchildren life .

I have now backed off and let them come to me and see how long it is before I speak or see him / them .

Any advise on what I can do to improve the situation?

OP I wouldn't take this personal.
I think that once in a serious relationship the close bond always tends to be with the girlfriends parents - maybe this is because girls are closer to their families and don't want to let go as much?
I would say that both me and my partner were equally as close to both sides of the family before moving out but since have grown a lot closer to my side!
Also boys can be ignorant in general! I've witnessed my partner decline calls from his family on multiple occasions because it was interrupting his game or video he was watching

Hey OP ignore the posters and their moaning about you moving to Scotland! Fuck sake!

Anyway I'd like to know how old your son is. Mine is 34 and only now "enjoying"'spending time with me.

In their 20's they're out and about and doing their thing. You are an afterthought an old pair of slippers that's always there for you.

But as they get older and slow their pace down they seem to have more time with you. My son is an hour away, I adore his gf mad and am proud of the wonderful life they have together.

I see them maybe once a month if I'm very lucky and that's fine! We message regularly and I try to put no pressure on them coming to see me or me going to visit them.

When he was very ill I was the first person he called (after his gf) and we spent several days together. He just wanted his mum! I loved it :)

It's just kids OP, and boys especially. Hopefully it will settle into a closer more adult relationship.

@Cocomarine

Well I don’t think backing off in a childish stand off (that he won’t even know he’s in!) will help.

When he was still doing his A levels, you chose your husband over him.

You can’t force a close relationship - why have you even had a conversation where he’s defended himself about using the other house as a base? One thing to say, “you can stay here instead if you like.” But what did you say that led him to explain he wasn’t spending all his time with her parents.

Do not mention grandchildren! It just makes it sound like your interest in him/her is to secure access to them. It might not be what you mean - but it could definitely seem that way.

Why don’t you go to visit him in London?

My advice is to keep up the regularly, light hearted chat - to remain in regular contact. Rather than deliberately waiting to see how it takes him. Be very conscious of showing an interest in his life.

What a crappy and untrue thing to say.

I feel for you OP

@CruzControl

This thread just reeks of "I did too much for my child and now he's just ungrateful and takes me for granted". The only mothers who have ever said this are the mothers who didn't do what they should have done and are now bitter that their children are responding appropriately. The way you "fix" this is:

• Go back in time and don't abandon him
• Don't choose your husband over him
• Stop acting like him living his life is abandoning you. Children are supposed to leave, parents are not.
• Stop thinking you have a right to his time, energy or affection.
• Stop thinking he has to like you as much as his partner's parents. He doesn't. Human interaction isn't equal.
• Stop thinking you're perfect.
• Stop acting like basic human decency is doing him a favour (i.e. cooking food that his partner can eat with her medical condition).
• Stop making yourself out to be the victim.
• Stop demanding he spend time with you and like it - if you present spending time with you as a chore then he'll perceive it as a chore.
• Stop plotting and playing games.
• Stop acting like you know how he's feeling. Read through this thread and count how many times you've stated how he is feeling or what he thinks. You are not him, you don't know his feelings.
• Stop insulting her parents and making snide comments. It's not a competition and, if you make it one, it sounds like you'll lose.

If you were as perfect as you're making out then you'd have a good relationship with him. By seeing his in-laws regularly and having a great relationship, he's clearly not lazy with family relationships or taking everyone for granted. This is an issue with you and if you want to fix it, you need to actually reflect on your own behaviour.

I think this is incredibly hurtful. OP wants advice to move forward. She acknowledges it's a difficult situation. None of us are perfect and as we all know we can do our best but things still don't play out how we hope. It is part of life. This in unhelpful and very hurtful.

Do you have a shared WhatsApp account? Great way to post day to day photos etc that help share in each other's lives.

Okay OP in my 20s I was not interested really in spending time with my mum it was all about my friends. But once I had kids it was completely different. Don't compare now to a future grandparent relationship your son will see things differently then. He is still a young adult and I don't think family time is so important.

I wonder if you could day that once a month you'd like them to do something more substantial than pop over for tea.

I actually think a visit every fortnight is a lot at his age.

I think this is incredibly hurtful. OP wants advice to move forward. She acknowledges it's a difficult situation.

It is hurtful, but the truth isn't always pretty. And until op can look at their history honestly, she's won't have any better luck in the future.

Some harsh posts here on the op.

I feel terrible when I look back at how I spent my teenage years and 20s taking my parents for granted. Life was busy with work and friends and although I did used to go and see them they would be a bit of an afterthought.

I am quite independent and my family are too. It sounds like you and your son are to move away/ to the USA. Many people I know would never dream of doing that and being away from their family. That's not a critisicm of you just observations of family dynamics.

Now I have children and am a bit older our relationship has changed and I choose to spend time with my mum rather than my friends ( espcially now my dad is no longer alive)

Add into the dimension he is male and that can often be an extra barrier. I have to prod my DH to renember/ include his parents and used to prod my brother to remember our parents.

I think to start with an easy fix for this is to ask them not to tack their visit to you on at the end of the weekend and right before the train.

Invite them for lunch the day before one weekend, another weekend ask them for dinner on the way up and maybe to stay over - start small and infrequent but build it up gradually and over time. The problem here is that things are heavily skewed in her parents favour in terms of time spent there to allow familiarity and comfort to develop, while you get an hour before a train which doesn’t give time for any of that to develop. They’re pushed for time and you feel like you’re getting scraps. So change the dynamic to try to give everyone the time to rub along together for a longer period of time. Hopefully things will even out over time and they might start to spend a weekend with you here and there and use your house as their ‘base’, but I think you’re going to need to accept that - whether you like it or not, and despite your protestations - this move has had a big impact, if for no other reason than where you live now has never been his home so he will always feel like a visitor. His girlfriend, when she goes to her parents’ house, is going home.

It sounds like you’re not very close to your son at the moment, but over time it’s possible to change these things. For me what’s sticking out is the “we” of you and your husband. I wonder if trying to meet DS without husband there, to work on that the fundamental relationship between you and him (and he can decide if gf there or not) would be a good starting point. And also just doing something fun and light with him: a walk, a drink, and not necessarily going into the heavier stuff at least at first would be good.

OP, you don't say if your mother is still alive, but she would be the obvious person to talk to about this - in a light- hearted way. She'd reassure you. Your son is being fairly dutiful in visiting yourself, girlfriend's folk, presumably his grandmother, if she is still living, maybe girlfriend's grandparents and her siblings and good friends. If girlfriend has siblings and they have babies in future, then it will be more getting together, when not working. Meeting up might have to be often but for short spells. Or both sides all meet up together for picnics, etc.

Presumably, if son and partner settle down, they might get a permanent place together in London area, and probably it will be deemed more sensible for you to visit them, that's if they have kids who are difficult to travel with. Then again, if girlfriend is emotionally very close to her parents, and it certainly sounds the case, perhaps they'll move up to near you.

It's a big coincidence that her folks live in Scotland too - is it near to you, or is it a fair bit of travelling on public transport between your houses? These facts make a difference to how the situation may be interpreted be people reading and coming to the matter with fresh eyes. The parents house may be a base in a lot of ways. The girlfriend might leave things there and collect them next time, or mum might order special dietary stuff online and give it to her when she comes. The parents might drive them over to friends/cousins houses when they stay. I don't know if your location is rural or in a town, OP, but what I do infer is that coming from London to Scotland every two weeks is a big undertaking - especially without a car. There isn't much time to get around people. The friends presumably are girlfriend's friends, if your son hasn't lived in Scotland. Is there a hobby they do, like walking when they come?

They must be fairly tired before going back to work on Monday. What I'd do, and it might sound over the top, is I'd look at their journey back, from their point of view, and I'd offer - if this fits the scenario - to drive them to a bigger, city station to cut short and make much less panicked and tiring, the text of their journey back to London. Would it be good if they had a car?
Also, enjoy the phone calls and Skypes, because so much of interaction is about this, now.

You use the wording ' they come home' about their fortnightly visits, so presumably, the girlfriend sees up where you are as home; we know she has friends where you are, and she obviously likes it. I would consider the situation as if you were in their shoes. Property is cheaper in Scotland, the countryside is beautiful. Rural areas quiet for raising kids. Might they be thinking of moving up to Scotland and doing little trial runs? Could your clever son work remotely from Scotland? Just keep in your mind their perspective, not to talk about it with them, but just to make sense and feel better about what they're doing. They might be focused not at all on their relatives but the question: ' Could we come up here? Really?'

I think 90 out of 100 people would say that making that journey, as they do, twice a month, is one heck of a trek. It's good really that you have the chance to see them at all, as a lot of parents probably don't if their adult kids are working abroad, or not near. It's like half the weekend travelling! Beautiful views from the train, sure, but a big venture!

Don't get comparative with girlfriend's family as you'll ruin the nice times you can have and your own peace of mind. Clever, kind son - people will say what a nurturing environment you gave that child, so don't spoil your experience of family life by seeing problems which don't really exist. It's great to be called on to help. Seriously, I would be offering them contribution to train fare, what you can afford, and just sit back and revel in your son's heartwarming, developing adulthood. It all sounds pretty normal to me. What would you be saying if your house was used as just a base for rucksacks and clothes that need a quick wash and the need for a chauffeur to take them into town at 9pm, lol!

I have 3 young adult DC.
I honestly think you need to change your focus a bit.
Let them get on with their lives.
Focus on your career or get some hobbies.
So long as ours are happy, then DH and I are happy.
I think you need to stop comparing the time spent at your home/her parents home. You say yourself that your DS has always been an independent child, maybe his GF wasnt?
Maybe growing up, she needed her parents very much and still does?
Whatever you do, dont let jealousy creep in.

You've conditioned him to be independent from the age of 17, so don't complain that he's learned to be independent now and forge his own path in life!

I think visiting you once every couple of weeks is quite a lot actually. Did you visit him once every 2 weeks while he was at uni?

I knew the “it’s a boy thing” excuse would come up.

It isn’t. It’s a relationship thing. Build and nurture the relationship, find things you all enjoy, offer invitations, visit, phone.

Just because your child is male doesn’t mean you should let the relationship go assuming he will be spending more time with his girlfriends family.

I spend time with my mum out of duty. I don’t like doing the mother/daughter stuff, shopping, housework and babies. I don’t like being given “advice” and help on parenting and the state of my house.

Dh sees or speaks to his mum every day. She babysits when asked, and just enjoys spending time with us and our children.

@zoemum2006

I don’t entirely agree with this but

“A son is a son till he takes him a wife,
A daughters a daughter for all of her life”.

When I look at my aunts relationships With their sons it’s miles apart: my one aunt has three daughters and they practically live in each other’s houses and my other aunt has two boys and it’s meet up for events.

Both equally loving families.

I agree with a PP just stay relentlessly positive with them.

You do see this a lot don’t you. I was very lucky to have an amazing MIL so we were always close, but I know of lots of families where the sons gravitate towards their wives’ families instead of their own.

“A son is a son till he takes him a wife,
A daughters a daughter for all of her life”

I absolutely can't stand this phrase. It is so sexist. We are in 2020 FGS. I wish people would stop using phrases like this. It is similar, in my opinion, to the 'man up' or 'boys will be boys' phrases. Labelling them.

I have 2 brothers, both in their 30s. They are both incredibly close to my parents and to me. 1 is having a baby (well his wife) and we are being as equally included as her parents are.

OP, try not to overthink it. It sounds as if you are actually quite close. Just let it all come naturally.

WOW there have been some wonderful comments on here with advise and some (coco marine) very judgemental. All I hope that once her children grow up thing don’t happen as the so called perfect mums are the ones that think there life is wonderful and then are on here crying into their milk . I will put this to bed one more time for people like her who cannot read .

My son was 17 in the August of 2010. My husband moved to Scotland in September 2010. I was due to move in September 2011. I was made redundant in January 2011. I talked it over with my son who suggested that I move to Scotland and he moved in with his nan who he has always been close with ( we two raised him ) . After much soul searching and persuading from my son I decided to move . I moved in February 2011. We were back every month for a visit . I called ever day to check on him and we FaceTimed every weekend . We organised a surprise 18th for him and even got his dad to attend . He went off to uni in September of 2011 . I came back from Scotland to pack him up and move him in etc. In summer holidays he came to me or if it was two weeks he went to his nan and o came home . He was not abandoned and I did not chose between him and my husband . If that was a choice I had to make my son would have won but I was lucky that neither my husband or my son made me make that . I can assure everyone that if there is a child in this world with less abandonment issues then him you will find it hard . I am not competing with her family as they are lovely people and so glad they have accepted him into the family . Was I a perfect mum ? No but I challenge anyone in here to say they are and if they do I will call liar . Thank you for all the lovely comments and helpful advice . I have taken it all in board and will try it out and see what the results are . To the person who asked the ages he is 27 and she is 26. To the people who judge take a look in the mirror and thing down the line to when yours are grown . To the ones with little ones hold them tight and enjoy every second of it cause it goes way way to fast so read that extra story , have that last cuddle and play that last game cause you will be looking back when they are 27 wishing they were 5 again in PJS with feet in,looking up to you and wanting a cuddle .

Bye to all the nice people of mums met

Op it's not really that relevant re moving to Scotland he was quite old! Many teens used to move out at that age.

It's an red herring.
It's about your general interaction.
All I know is, dh mum could write a moan on here and say her ds doesn't like to visit her.
I'd love her to be open like you and invite reasons why because it's a sad! In an ideal world everyone would get on and be friends.
Personally I'd love to be able to pop and see them and have a closer relationship myself, have some Sunday roasts etc...
. But we can't and I pointed out some of reasons why back in the thread
It's stressful and awkward and other things more serious.

I'm hope you are able to look at some of the responses and really think about whether they apply. It's a shame you mentioned moving because I don't think in this case it's relevant.

It's about that visit, how to make it less formal and more fun.
My Mil would not see why her ds doesn't want to visit her, she cannot see how miserable she is, guilt trips, controlling, he would never feel comfortable to just make a drink, go to the fridge.. Relax, put the TV on, she watches every move, jumps on him over crumbs.. It's her domain! There is no interest in him, she is stuck back in the time when he's a teenager. And the food isn't great. She just wants him to tell her how wonderful she is.

But she... Wouldn't see this... She thinks she's amazing.

Awwww, mine (7) has gatecrashed my rare much looked forward to day with some time alone by being off school poorly. I'll soak up the snuggles and enjoy it. Thanks for the perspective sadmum52

@potter5

I have 2 grown up sons and this is normal behaviour. Boys don't contact their mums much. Not unless they need you. Otherwise they are happy leading their lives. Just be glad that he seems happy and well adjusted and has found someone that loves him.

Exactly this. He also knows where you are and if he wants to see you he knows where to come. You are a good mum but you worry far too much ! I have grown up children too and they do their own thing, but know where I am. You never stop being a mum do you !

I think the one thing people need to know about my son and his “ ALevel” is this . He would have passed if I had sat next to him every night or been 300 miles away . The child is a genius and was 100 % not worried about his results .

This shows the problem. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with his academic ability, results and fact he is a genius. It’s got everything to do with the fact you made a choice that was not him in a crucial stage of development in his life.

Third: he wasn’t abandoned for me to go to Scotland. He was 17 when I went in the Feb, he turned 18 in the august and went to Uni in the September. We were by his side every step of the way . I travelled from Scotland to England for every single event , milestone he had to do.

No, you weren’t by his side. You were in Scotland. And Yes, effectively you abandoned him for 7 months. Sure, you abandoned him with means (roof over head, money so didn’t have to get a job etc) but none of that is important to a young person. You showing their importance by constant physical presence is. By the same token one could ask why you didn’t feel he was important enough to be with for 7 months and send your DH to Scotland alone with sufficient means to support himself for 7 months and then visit him for his milestones during that time. Personally, that would have been my go to. Stay with my other kids until 17yo left for uni (then it’s a planned natural progression vs abandonment), then move myself and kids to Scotland to join DH and start school year etc.

This sort of thing has unconscious effects on people and that likely forms the basis of the current situation. Maybe just accept this is the outcome and if it changes it’s a bonus?

Many teens used to move out at that age.

That’s a situation where they made a conscious choice, it’s completely different. Their subconscious would not have perceived it as abandonment but they they empowered themselves. Chalk and cheese.